After Kang Sehyun went to Korea, the vacation I thought would be comfortable was actually painful.
The feeling of constantly missing something all day long.
I habitually looked at my phone, then fiddled with it, then sighed while looking at the pitch-black screen.
“Haah…”
Bored, dull, and tedious.
When contact from the person I used to exchange dozens of messages with daily became rare, at first I was fine, then after two days I felt empty, and by the third day I became lonely. Even when I deliberately tried to immerse myself in other things to forget that loneliness, I couldn’t concentrate at all. Whether I watched my favorite movies, read books, or even drank with the hyungs.
Come to think of it, it was like this when I came back early during summer vacation too. Even though we weren’t seeing each other every day like now back then, those few weeks felt tedious. What I really needed to worry about wasn’t how Kang Sehyun, who went to Korea, was doing, but how I would spend this time without Sehyun.
No matter how I thought about it, this must be emptiness…
I took out my silent phone and read through past messages.
Kang Sehyun: [Sleeping?]
Me: [No]
Kang Sehyun: [What are you doing instead of sleeping, it’s late]
Me: [It’s only eleven, why would I sleep already]
Kang Sehyun: [Still, sleep early]
Me: [Don’t you know it’s vacation? Why do you always tell me to sleep early]
Me: [What are you doing anyway]
Kang Sehyun: [Work]
Me: [Why do you only work every day? Play a little]
Kang Sehyun: [Playing isn’t fun]
Me: [Why isn’t playing fun]
Kang Sehyun: [Because you’re not here]
Sehyun, who said it wasn’t fun without me, hadn’t contacted me for a week already since that last message. The daily calls didn’t come, and even the sporadic messages were gone.
I felt wronged. Somehow it seemed like I was the only one feeling this empty.
And as soon as I realized that fact, I became anxious. In case even I mistook this emotion for a different one.
Sending a message first wasn’t difficult. It was just difficult to send a second one when there was no reply after sending the first.
<Tuesday>
-11:01 PM-
Me: [Working?]
<Wednesday>
-9:35 PM-
Me: [Are you really busy?]
Even though I did that difficult thing, Sehyun didn’t respond. He even read the messages but didn’t send a reply.
If he hadn’t even read them, I would have worried something happened and tried contacting him a few more times, but since he was clearly ignoring me on purpose, I couldn’t contact him anymore. Naturally, I didn’t feel good.
On top of that, even in this state, I was more irritated by the curiosity that suddenly popped up wondering what Sehyun was doing right now.
“Ha.”
Right now, thinking about Sehyun, just how many emotions were passing through me?
Boredom, emptiness, loneliness, frustration, fatigue from all of this. Surely we wouldn’t lose contact like this, would we? Even dizzying thoughts for a moment. All the negative emotions I hadn’t felt for a while seemed to come alive.
Wow… Have I ever been this anxious?
Drrr-.
At the timely vibration sound, I snapped to attention and checked the screen. Instead of the name I hoped for, Kihyun hyung’s number appeared. It was a message asking to meet this evening.
– We’re meeting at the dorm at 6. Can you come?
It was clearly a gathering to drink, and if so, I couldn’t drive, meaning I’d have to sleep over at the dorm.
Surprisingly, I hesitated because I’d never once slept at the dorm. Every time we drank, we gathered at Sehyun’s place.
But if I didn’t drink because I didn’t want to do that, there was no point in going. After much deliberation, I finally replied that I would.
The reason I was willing to endure something I didn’t really want to do to go drinking wasn’t because I wanted to drink or because I missed the hyungs.
It was because I felt like I had to do something.
***
“Sungha, did you work yesterday too? Sunday’s usually your day off, isn’t it?”
“A noona I work with asked me to cover for her.”
“As expected, our Sungha is so kind.”
I’m not kind though.
I only did it because I had something to gain anyway. That person gains time, and I can earn money.
“Hey, Ha Taejin. Did you bring the ball?”
“Yeah. Now?”
“Let’s do it. I’ll set up the beer. Jason, if you’re not playing cards, help with this.”
It had been a really long time since a dorm party. It had been almost over half a year since I hung out with other people like this. Since I was always with Sehyun, it was natural.
Beer bottles placed chaotically everywhere, snacks scattered on the table and cookie crumbs fallen on the floor. No one cared even seeing the trash piling up everywhere. On one side people were playing card games, on another side they were playing beer pong.
I was cleaning the table because I couldn’t stand the messy state anymore. Taejin hyung, holding a ping pong ball, called me. He was a hyung I occasionally ran into on campus.
“Sungha, what are you doing? Come quickly.”
“Ah, I’m good.”
“Good my ass. You’re mandatory. What have you been doing since earlier?”
It was a game where you throw a ping pong ball into a cup with beer to make the other person drink. Asking me to chug beer with a ping pong ball floating in it that someone touched. I just wanted to be satisfied watching, but he wouldn’t allow it.
“Hey, why are you forcing someone who says they don’t want to? It’s fine. Let’s just play among ourselves.”
“He’s not playing cards either, so he should hang out together. He’s drinking alone. You guys are close with Sungha, why aren’t you including him? That’s petty.”
It’s not that they’re not including me, they’re deliberately not making me play.
The hyungs who knew me well tried to stop him, but Taejin hyung scolded them instead, saying they were leaving me alone. In the end, I couldn’t resist the insistence of the hyung who was thinking of me and ended up participating.
Junsung hyung, who became my teammate, poked my side.
“Good thing your honey isn’t here.”
Does he know that honey isn’t contacting me at all right now?
“If Kang Sehyun had been here, we wouldn’t have called you here in the first place. It’s not that we don’t include you, you wouldn’t have come.”
“No, it’s not like that.”
“It is. Because of that bastard Kang Sehyun, you stopped coming to these gatherings at some point. He’s really an amazing honey. In many ways.”
“…Can’t you do something about that nickname?”
“Nope. Can’t. It’s funny.”
Junsung hyung laughed with a mischievous expression.
“Sungha. It’s your turn. Come out.”
Fortunately, the opposing team I faced wasn’t very good, so it ended with one beer, but after hiding my unpleasant feelings and forcing myself to drink, I didn’t feel like drinking again.
After that, I watched people play games or sat on one side of the sofa watching sports on TV.
How should I put it, it was surprisingly not fun. Not so much that I was bored, but just that nothing was enjoyable. Even when I talked with Jungwoo hyung, who stopped by late, for 30 minutes, it was the same.
What’s the reason?
Sehyun’s message saying it wasn’t fun without me came to mind.
“Oh, right. You’re going on Sunday, right, Sungha?”
Kihyun hyung, who finished the game, asked as he plopped down next to Jungwoo hyung.
“Going where?”
“The airport.”
What would I need to go to the airport for on Sunday? As I thought carefully, I got a chilling feeling. The moment I thought “no way,” sure enough, the answer I expected came.
“Sehyun’s coming back early.”
This damned bastard.
“I think this is the first time he’s come back this early during winter break?”
“Right. If he doesn’t go, he doesn’t go, but usually he comes back right before the semester starts.”
“Could it be because Sungha didn’t go with him this time?”
“Hmm… That could be it. If it’s Kang Sehyun, he might. Really passionate, passionate.”
While everyone laughed, I alone couldn’t laugh.
Not because the words thrown out like a joke were no longer a joke, but because I couldn’t stand the fact that I was the only one who didn’t know what everyone else knew.
Ah, really… Not fun.
Contact from Sehyun came five days later, on Saturday.
Kang Sehyun: [Arriving in Chicago tomorrow]
Kang Sehyun: [I have something to say so I’ll come to your place]
Without any explanation of what he’d been doing or why he hadn’t contacted me, that was all—a message saying he was coming home. Nevertheless, absurdly, I felt more glad than resentful.
***
Sehyun’s flight was delayed because of heavy snow. Sehyun, who should have arrived around 7 PM, came at 10 PM, three hours later.
Knock knock.
My heart pounded at the knock. It was a door I’d opened many times, but I hesitated in front of it for no reason.
Click.
Clear eyes and distinct features. Sehyun stood upright as always.
It had only been two weeks, but it felt like I hadn’t seen him in a long time. Why do I feel like this? A strange emotion arose.
“You’re here.”
I deliberately spoke more calmly to hide that I wasn’t the same as usual. Sehyun stared at me from the entrance for a few seconds before coming inside.
“How was Korea?”
“The same as always.”
The conversation started with ordinary talk as usual. To my question about what he did in Korea, Sehyun answered “work,” and to most other questions related to his Korea visit, he gave answers I already knew.
“Really nothing special happened.”
“I told you there wasn’t.”
“Then why did you come back early?”
“I was bored.”
“If you were bored, why did you ignore all my messages?”
At the words I tossed out, Sehyun’s eyes wavered anxiously.
“I had circumstances.”
“What circumstances?”
“I’ll tell you later.”
“Don’t put it off, you said to ask.”
“You sure listen well at times like this.”
Sehyun sometimes brushed off stories he really didn’t want to tell with laughter or different words. But right now, he tried to gloss over the conversation with laughter.
So I was about to ask once more but stopped. It seemed like he wouldn’t answer even if I asked again anyway. And because there was something I was more curious about than that.
“More than that, didn’t you say you had something to say?”
“Yeah.”
Sehyun nodded. And spoke in a very calm voice. As if it were someone else’s business.
“I’ve come to like you.”
“What?”
Words hard to believe reached my ears clearly.
“I said I’ve come to like you.”
Surprised, surprised, and surprised again. Recently, it had been nothing but surprises.
