His dark brown eyes wavered. Soon, the excitement that had been lurking in his gaze subsided a little.
“Probably.”
It was a disappointingly short and simple answer. But it was still the best answer. It would be troublesome if he said yes, but if he’d denied it and said no, that would have been embarrassing in its own way.
Probably.
Answering “probably” meant it was an affirmation, but he couldn’t be certain yet. I felt relieved that there was no certainty in that answer.
“You—”
Drrrr— Drrrr—
The phone vibrated noisily in my hand. Of all times. On the screen was the name of someone with truly no sense of timing.
“Answer it.”
It wasn’t even on speakerphone, but as soon as I pressed the call button, a voice burst through the receiver.
“Yes, hyung.”
– Where are you guys? Did you already arrive at the library?
“No. Not yet.”
– What are you doing that you haven’t gone yet?
“I had something to do at the copy center for a moment.”
– Will it take long?
“No. I don’t think it’ll take that long, why?”
– When you’re done, don’t go to the library, come to the central building. Jungwoo said he’s coming to visit for a bit, so we decided to meet there.
“Jungwoo hyung? Why all of a sudden?”
– He said he’s coming to tease poor souls or something. So I told him to buy hot dogs when he comes. Let’s eat before going.
“Got it.”
The call ended with Kihyun hyung’s words telling me to come straight there without going elsewhere. Kang Sehyun naturally moved his steps to the left path. It was the way to the copy center. Even in this situation, it was impressive that he remembered what I’d said earlier.
“Let’s talk about this later for now.”
Kang Sehyun spoke as if talking about something not very important. A conversation that seemed absolutely impossible to have later.
“Is this something that can be postponed?”
“If you think about it, we’ve been postponing it until now.”
“What?”
“Anyway, there’s no time. This isn’t a place to talk about it either. So let’s go first.”
I moved my steps as if my back was being pushed. Until we stopped by the copy center, met the hyungs, ate dinner, and went to the library, things between us were the same as always. As if that incident from earlier hadn’t happened. But naturally, nothing would go into my head.
***
As soon as I arrived at Kang Sehyun’s officetel, I looked for alcohol. Even though I knew the exam wasn’t far off, I wouldn’t be able to study at all in this state anyway, so solving the biggest problem came first.
Kang Sehyun, whom I thought would stop me, instead found snacks that could serve as side dishes and sat down in front when I brought beer.
“Isn’t it a mistake?”
“What mistake?”
“You wouldn’t mistake me for a woman, so it must be your heart that’s mistaken.”
“I don’t think so. It’s the result of quite a bit of thought.”
The result of quite a bit of thought.
Normally, the person who should really be troubled is Kang Sehyun. He probably never thought he would feel strange emotions toward a man. So it seemed I couldn’t persuade him again with the word “mistake.”
“Don’t you have even a little thought of denying it to me?”
“Why should I deny it?”
“I might think badly of it.”
“Last time you rather said thank you. You did.”
“When did I.”
“Monday. When that kid who almost gave you their number talked to you today. You said you were grateful because your face works everywhere.”
“That was about my face.”
“Looking at how you’re continuing to talk with me now, it’s fine, right? If you felt bad, would you be here right now?”
“…”
“And if it’s you, you probably already guessed anyway.”
Really, he’s good at talking.
I couldn’t think of any particular rebuttal.
“You probably knew from when I hugged you that day. Maybe you felt something was strange even before that. Because you’re quick to catch on.”
The one who was quick to catch on wasn’t me but Kang Sehyun. He already knew that I’d been vaguely aware.
“I feel like I asked for no reason. I should have just not asked until the end.”
“Even so, I would have said it someday.”
“Maybe not. Saying ‘probably’ means you’re not certain.”
“But it means there’s a high possibility.”
“Still, there’s also a possibility it’s not, so it could become nothing.”
“I think the moment we brought it up, it can’t become nothing?”
This time too, I couldn’t think of another counterargument.
A sigh came out. Why am I having this conversation? Along with that thought, I blamed myself, knowing I’d regret it after all. Why did I ask that question instead of letting it pass?
“Let’s just pretend this whole conversation never happened.”
“I don’t want that.”
No, why don’t you want that? Isn’t it usually the opposite? Shouldn’t the guy who confessed be the one asking to pretend it never happened?
“The way I see it, you right now… it seems like you’re lonely because you had someone for a long time and then they disappeared.”
“Do I look like someone who would suddenly like a man just because I’m lonely in your eyes?”
“…Well, we did meet often and all.”
“If you meet often, you start liking men too?”
“…Won’t it be okay after some time passes? I think you’re just confused for a moment.”
“I’m not stupid enough to be confused about something like that.”
“…”
I looked at him as if dumbfounded. Then suddenly a beer glass approached right before my nose. A toast proposal in the middle of all this. I reluctantly stretched out my arm and clinked glasses.
“Nothing changes no matter what you say. How can something that happened become something that didn’t happen?”
“Then are you saying we should continue like this?”
“What reason is there not to?”
“I knew you were shameless, but I didn’t know it was to this extent.”
“I also found out recently.”
“You never lose at a single word.”
Kang Sehyun laughed. Do you find this situation laughable?
“What do you want me to do?”
“Just stay as you are now. I don’t expect anything from you. Not yet.”
“Not yet?”
“Yeah. Just continue as we’ve been doing. Like you said, I’m not certain yet.”
I should have drunk soju rather than beer. Or if not that, strong liquor. I couldn’t believe all of this was a conversation happening with a clear mind.
“If it’s burdensome, just think of it as being confessed to by a girl.”
“It’s not a problem of whether it’s a girl or a guy.”
The problem is that it’s you.
No matter how I thought about it, the reason I was troubled was because the other person was Kang Sehyun. If the person who had feelings for me was someone else, I wouldn’t have hoped this much that it wasn’t true.
If you asked whether it was because we were close, that wasn’t it. I didn’t want to think about it, but if I had to give an example, if that person had been Kihyun hyung or Sora, I wouldn’t have taken it this seriously in the first place, and even if I conceded and believed those words, I would have laughed it off saying it was absurd.
But I couldn’t do that with Kang Sehyun alone. Because I believed that the weight of emotions that guy held toward someone was different from others. So I knew I could never take it lightly.
Why me of all people?
No matter how I thought about it, even thinking tens of times, hundreds of times, it didn’t make sense.
“Why do you like me?”
The moment I said it, I regretted it. I heard the answer “probably,” yet I asked as if I’d heard a definite answer, so the question itself was wrong. But Kang Sehyun answered as if he’d been waiting.
“Because you’re my ideal type.”
“Tell me when your ideal type became a man.”
“It’s not a problem of whether it’s a man or woman. Same for me.”
It was a total disaster. Even when I tried to question how this situation came about, I couldn’t communicate with him at all, and no matter how much I racked my brain, I couldn’t find a clear solution. In the first place, trying to tell someone’s heart to do this or that wouldn’t work out as intended.
“You said earlier that I don’t have to do anything yet.”
“Yeah.”
“…What if you become certain?”
I predicted Kang Sehyun’s next answer.
Option 1. He’ll say I still don’t have to do anything because he’ll give up anyway.
Option 2. He’ll say he’ll let go of his feelings, so forget everything.
Option 3. He’ll say let’s keep our distance.
Actually, options 1 and 2 were the same answer, and only 3 was different. In fact, what I feared most was Kang Sehyun keeping his distance from me.
Kang Sehyun seemed to think for just a moment, then looked at me quietly. And he opened his mouth very slowly.
“Of course you have to like me.”
This time too, it was a completely unexpected answer.
***
I ruined the exam. It was the first time. That I couldn’t concentrate this much.
I deliberately didn’t work and returned everything—sleep and days off—and clung only to studying for the exam, but I failed spectacularly. All of this was because of Kang Sehyun.
When I said after the exam that I failed because of you, Kang Sehyun asked, “Why?” When I confessed that I couldn’t concentrate at all because I was worried the entire exam period, an absurd answer came back.
‘I’m honored that you thought of me that much.’
He even joked that if I had to repeat the year, he’d contribute a bit to the tuition.
Crazy bastard.
After that day, as Kang Sehyun said, I did nothing, and we continued as we had been doing until now.
However, sometimes when we were together, Kang Sehyun would look at me as if he’d lost his mind. Since there was nothing more to hide, more often than before, and for longer.
Kang Sehyun: [Take me tomorrow.]
Finally, tomorrow was the day Kang Sehyun would go to Korea. I had hoped and hoped for this day to come.
I readily sent back an answer saying okay.
Hoping that when he came back, I’d hear the answer, “I guess I was crazy for a moment.”
