That was right. Behind the pretense of a good excuse like a sense of responsibility or a kind personality, I was soothing my inferiority complex by taking care of my younger siblings. The affection I’d been deprived of from birth, parents whose faces I couldn’t even remember, days that were clearly different compared to other children. To escape from myself being captivated by things like being normal, being less than normal, overflowing beyond normal, I became a good eldest.
Standing in the position of caretaker. That was my self-defense. It was my pride. To protect that last line, I desperately lived as an affectionate and good older brother. Even if I rolled on the bathroom floor at school that day, I smiled when I returned to the orphanage. Because the moment I showed a pathetic appearance to my younger siblings, the inferiority complex I’d been hiding would leak out.
After coming to high school, it was an emotion that had been slowly forgotten. Intoxicated by the affection I received from friends I made for the first time. Intoxicated by the kindness of the person I’d constantly admired.
But Chanhyeong found out. What kind of person I was in middle school. Suddenly I recalled what Chanhyeong said the day after I collapsed from taking medicine.
‘……Hyung…… I heard everything.’
At that time, I just thought it was about the suppressant. But thinking about it now, it was clear Chanhyeong had known since then.
The emotion that burst out once didn’t subside and ate away at me. I buried my face in my knees. What kind of face should I show Chanhyeong? I even got angry at Eorin. That was taking it out on him. I was the worst. Admiration and inferiority complex were separated by a paper-thin difference. The object of admiration sometimes stimulated inferiority complex too. For me, Eorin was like that.
My pride is hurt. I’m the older brother. Chanhyeong found out. Embarrassed, upset, resentful, pathetic…… childish complaints circled inside me. The younger siblings relied on me, and I was able to come this far leaning on those hands. But if they no longer relied on me, what do I do now?
Something hot and large seemed to settle in my chest. I gasped for breath but couldn’t spit it out of my mouth.
Suddenly, a vanilla scent circled around the tip of my nose. That couldn’t be. I hugged my knees tighter. Crunch crunch, footsteps approached.
“……Chiwon.”
Rough breathing. Had he been running? How did he find me?
“Chiwon.”
A voice mixed with worry shook me. Eorin was kind and gentle to the end, so with just a call, he easily broke me down.
“Why did you come…… how did you come?”
“……”
“I told you to leave me alone……”
I didn’t raise my head. I didn’t want to show Eorin my face, which was clearly a mess. Eorin sat next to me without saying anything.
“I’ll wait.”
“……”
“I’ll wait, so don’t be alone. Think about it, and when you’ve organized your thoughts, you can talk then.”
Having said that, Eorin really just sat still as if he would wait for me. How could he do that? How can I become as kind as you?
“He heard everything.”
At my words that came out of nowhere, I felt Eorin turn his head toward me. I stubbornly kept my face buried.
“Chanhyeong…… my younger sibling said. About how I was in middle school…… and that actually I’m not such a great older brother…… That medicine, Chanhyeong prepared it for me. He told me to take it just in case. That was why. It was because he knew everything.”
“Chiwon, you……”
“I’m not such a good person.”
Because Eorin seemed to be trying to comfort me, I cut off his words. I’m probably not the kind of kid you think I am.
“You guys think I’m purely kind and innocent, but no. I’m not that kind, and actually I’m really cowardly. Because I don’t even know how to escape from my inferiority complex by myself, because I don’t even know how to build up my own pride, I even used my younger siblings. Because if I stood in the position of caretaker, I didn’t look that pathetic, so.”
“……”
“But Chanhyeong knows. What do I do now? If Chanhyeong knows I’m a pathetic older brother and tries not to rely on me……”
“Chiwon.”
“Even now, actually talking to you about this hurts my pride too. It’s miserable. But I hate that too. I don’t know why I’m trying to put up my pride even to you. I don’t want to do that……”
Incoherent words poured out. What would Eorin think of me like this? Would he be disgusted? Would he find it bothersome?
But there was a hand stroking my hair. I raised my head.
“Now I see it. Your face.”
“……”
“Chiwon.”
Without saying it’s okay or don’t worry, just that short word calling my name resonated in my heart. The face looking at me was simply warm without a trace of coldness.
“When you told us your story, do you remember what we said?”
“……”
“Even after hearing all that, we didn’t leave you. That incident is a part of you, but it can’t cover you. You’re a good kid, Chiwon. You’re kind, gentle, and a good person. I think you’re admirable for standing up even after experiencing such things.”
“But, I’m still……”
“Of course escaping is hard and difficult. Even if you haven’t shaken it off yet, that’s not your fault.”
Eorin quietly looked into my eyes.
“You’re not cowardly either, Chiwon. That’s called being considerate. No one takes on other people’s hardships when trying to escape from their own difficult situation. If you felt better while taking care of your younger siblings, it’s probably because you felt for yourself that you’re a good enough person to love others.”
I swallowed my tears because I didn’t want to cry. It felt like hot, salty tears went down my throat and melted the lump that had been sitting on my chest.
“Do you think Chanhyeong would think you’re pathetic? Did Chanhyeong make that kind of face?”
I shook my head. But the pity shown for a moment became a big wound to me.
“Because Chanhyeong is your younger sibling, I understand there are sides you didn’t want to show. Your pride is hurt, you’re angry and sad, right? But you can’t turn your arrow toward Chanhyeong because of that. It’s even worse to turn it toward yourself. Here, you shouldn’t blame yourself but get angry at the kids who bullied you. ‘Why are you bullying me and making both me and Chanhyeong suffer?’ The ones who did wrong are them, so there’s no need for you to suffer. And you must talk with Chanhyeong. It’s okay. No matter what happens, Chanhyeong will like you.”
Would that really be true? I remembered Chanhyeong’s voice calling me from behind my back as I ran out.
“You’ve been together for several years, would Chanhyeong not recognize you?”
“I’m scared that Chanhyeong…… will pity me.”
“If Chanhyeong feels sorry for you, that’s not sympathy but comfort. Chanhyeong must have suffered a lot mentally too. If your older brother went through something hard, there’s no way the younger sibling would be unaffected. If Chanhyeong, who’s like that, pushes his own hardship aside and tries to comfort his older brother, couldn’t you feel grateful for that?”
Comfort. Gratitude. Chanhyeong’s face worrying about me. Chanhyeong’s voice calling me.
Was that it? Eorin hugged my head. My face was buried in Eorin’s shoulder. I took a slow deep breath. Perhaps feeling my rigidly stiff body relax, Eorin patted my back as if praising me.
Chanhyeong must have…… had a hard time too. If I knew that Chanhyeong had experienced something like what happened to me outside, what could I have done? The children at the orphanage were family to me even though we didn’t share blood, and they were younger siblings I had to protect until the end. But if Chanhyeong, or anyone, had experienced such things and was having a hard time alone, what would I have been like?
Suddenly I missed Chanhyeong. I felt like I needed to see Chanhyeong’s face. I wanted to see him and hug him.
He was still only fourteen years old. It must have been hard. Chanhyeong’s voice calling me seemed like he was about to cry. I should have listened to his story by his side. Running away was the wrong choice. Was Chanhyeong hurt by my actions?
“……I should go to Chanhyeong. I should have gone and been by his side. Is it not too late?”
“Of course. But before that, there’s one more thing left to talk about.”
Eorin lifted my face and met my eyes.
“Chiwon. To me, you can put up your pride as much as you want. But if you feel miserable because of it, what should I do?”
What should I do for you to think you and I are standing in the same place? I’ve always felt that way, but if you didn’t, what should I do? While asking me gently, Eorin rubbed and wiped my cheek. I definitely hadn’t shed tears.
I shook my head. There was nothing Eorin needed to do. Eorin just needed to stand there. Approaching was my part. That was the role of the one who admires.
Admiration.
I was always drawn to those points. Kindness. Gentleness. Things I didn’t have, like straight shoulders, a low voice, calm speech, kind and firm eyes that narrow when smiling.
That’s how admiration starts. A smile that clearly shows being loved, my heart began running toward that person from a single photo containing that moment.
But these feelings, were they really admiration?
An unremarkable realization came. Yes, I liked Eorin. Perhaps all this time I had been denying my own heart. Even though it was plainly visible, I just said this feeling was admiration, to the very end, admiration.
That was probably because I couldn’t trust my own heart. Did I like Kim Eorin, or did I like Kim Eorin, the heir to Haebam Foundation…… Did I like him because it was Eorin, or was it possibly because the environment surrounding Eorin was something I didn’t have, because I was so rock bottom, that I came to like Eorin?
It was obvious how feelings I couldn’t even trust myself would look to others. They wouldn’t be accepted straightforwardly. And above all, there was no possibility at all. Kim Eorin and Yoo Chiwon were that far apart.
Deciding to give up at the moment of realization was an absurdly natural process. But ironically, it was Eorin who held onto me as I tried to let go.
“Don’t distance yourself, Chiwon. Don’t feel distant either. Every time you do that, I feel lonely and upset.”
While listening to Eorin’s words telling me not to keep it to myself, I resolved instead to carry this feeling alone. I didn’t want to drag Eorin into my one-sided feelings. If I could just be by his side, I was satisfied with that. If he knew my feelings, the relationship between me and Eorin would definitely change. I rather preferred staying in place.
