“Your complexion is…… better than yesterday…… You’re not feeling sick or anything, right?”
“Yeah.”
By now, I knew. That Eorin was incredibly protective of me. But when I thought about it, the cause was me doing things that made him worry, so I obediently just nodded my head.
“Good, that’s a relief. Now we’ll eat breakfast, have the closing ceremony, and then go home, so sleep more on the bus.”
“Okay.”
A little later, when wake-up music came through the speakers, several people grumbled and curled up covering their ears. Eorin woke those kids up and sent them to the bathroom, while I folded the blankets and cleaned up the scattered snack bags and drink bottles that had contained alcohol. The instructor would soon burst into the room to wake the kids up. By the time I opened the window for ventilation, even Junsu had sluggishly opened his eyes.
“Ugghhh……”
“Junsu-ya, are you okay?”
“I’m thirsty……”
Woojin chuckled and brought him water.
“You don’t remember, do you?”
“……”
Huh. Looking at his expression, it seemed he did remember. Junsu turned his head away, avoiding my gaze. Muttering that he’d never drink again. Woojin and I looked at each other and laughed for a while before getting scolded by Junsu.
After eating our last breakfast at the training center, I went with Eorin to say goodbye to the puppies since we wouldn’t have time later. When we passed that place from yesterday, Eorin watched me more closely than I watched him. He seemed worried that my trauma might have deepened. I pretended not to notice and smiled at Eorin, pulling his arm to go quickly. After lingering in front of the puppies for a long time, when we returned to the room, the kids were packing their bags for the closing ceremony.
“Come quickly and pack your bags, guys. We have to leave soon.”
“Okay.”
After simply cleaning the room and packing my bag, I checked if I’d forgotten anything. Then I remembered I hadn’t packed the toothbrush I’d left in the bathroom, and when I took out the pouch containing toiletries to put in the toothbrush, I discovered a small pill case I’d forgotten underneath. It was the case containing the two suppressant pills that Chanhyeong had packed for me.
I took out the suppressant case and held it in my hand. I don’t know why it suddenly happened, but I suddenly remembered what Chanhyeong had said the night before coming to the training camp.
How he’d specifically packed the pills saying he was worried, told me not to leave my friends’ side, the way that child who never usually did such things was restless with worry……
Could it be.
It couldn’t be. It shouldn’t be……
What if Chanhyeong……
“Chiwon-ah. What’s wrong?”
Eorin grabbed my shoulder and I was so startled I dropped the case. The case fell to the floor and the lid opened, the pills popping out.
“You……”
Suppressants had a distinctive blue color so they wouldn’t be confused with other medicine. Eorin, who saw the pills, turned pale and grabbed me, examining my face.
“……No. That’s not……”
“……”
“……No, I didn’t take them. Really.”
“Then why do you look like that?”
Eorin rubbed my cheek. I swallowed dry saliva. Could it be that Chanhyeong.
“Later……”
“……”
“Later, after we get home…… I’ll tell you.”
I wanted to see Chanhyeong’s face quickly. I needed to see him and confirm. That my thoughts were wrong.
From that point on, I was completely out of it. I don’t even remember how the closing ceremony ended. I got on the bus without even exchanging numbers with Hyeonho, and just sat there blankly looking out the window. I could feel Eorin looking at me, but I didn’t turn my head.
“Hyung.”
Chanhyeong called me. I couldn’t answer. It was as if my mouth was glued shut.
“Hyung, were you bullied?”
I couldn’t see Chanhyeong’s face, but the emotion contained in those few words let me guess his expression even without seeing it. I wanted to say no, but Chanhyeong didn’t seem to need my answer.
“Hyung, you were……”
Bullied? Because you’re an omega?
I wanted to scream. So Chanhyeong couldn’t say any more. Then I woke up with a start.
“Chiwon-ah, are you okay?”
It was Eorin.
“You seemed to be having a nightmare, so I woke you up.”
“……”
It was a dream. When did I fall asleep. I covered my face with my hands. I could feel the sweat that had seeped out. I roughly wiped my forehead.
“……Thank you for waking me up.”
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah.”
“……”
Eorin, who seemed about to ask something more, soon shook his head and smoothed my bangs. I closed my eyes clinging to that touch, but I couldn’t fall asleep again.
After arriving at school and greeting the teachers, the kids scattered and started heading home. Eorin held my hand and firmly told me to contact him. I nodded.
The orphanage was too close to the school. Even though I’d only walked a few steps, I could already see the orphanage roof. Our orphanage had a small nameplate attached next to the entrance instead of a sign—the Director had asked for it to be as small as possible when she decided to come to this orphanage. So the kids coming in and out of the orphanage wouldn’t have to worry about people’s eyes. Still, having lived here for 14 years, I could find the orphanage roof even from far away.
After hesitating for a moment before opening the front door, I slowly opened it. The hallway stretching long with doors along it came into view.
“……I’m back.”
As my greeting echoed in the entrance, several doors clicked open and the teachers and younger siblings poked their heads out.
“Chiwon, you’re here? Aren’t you tired? Come on in.”
“Hyung!”
“Oppa’s back!”
“Oppa, did you have a good time?”
The younger kids ran to me. Without even taking off my shoes, I focused on the inside of the hallway. Perhaps seeing my tense expression, the teacher who was closest had a puzzled look.
“……Hyung.”
Chanhyeong walked out through an open doorway. Chanhyeong approached me, slowly looking me over.
“Did you have a good time?”
Was it my imagination that this question—a question one would naturally ask an older brother who returned from a training camp—sounded very different? Chanhyeong naturally took my luggage and leaned his head close.
I could tell. He was smelling my pheromones. Probably he could only smell Eorin’s scent on me. Since I’d been so thoroughly covered in it yesterday.
When a look of slight relief soon spread across Chanhyeong’s face, I opened my mouth without realizing it.
“Did you…… know…… about it?”
I realized I’d said those words when I saw Chanhyeong’s expression. Chanhyeong, with shaking eyes, pressed his lips tightly shut and stared at the floor, then slowly raised his head to meet my eyes.
“……Hyung.”
Unlike in the dream, this time I could see Chanhyeong’s expression clearly. But if there was one thing that was the same, it was that I could guess his expression just from the emotion in his voice.
Various emotions were mixed in his complex expression—sadness, regret, guilt…… and when I discovered the pity hanging at the very end of it all.
I ran out of the orphanage and just ran. I could hear Chanhyeong calling me from behind, but I couldn’t look back.
There was something adults who knew my situation always said when they saw me. You grew up so upright without getting twisted. You’re such a reliable eldest brother.
When I was young, I really thought I was a reliable older brother.
I felt a vibration in my pocket. When I opened it, there was a message from Eorin.
[What’s wrong?]
Even though I’d said I’d contact him after going home, I hadn’t said anything, so he seemed to have sent a message. After hesitating, I sent a reply.
[It was nothing]
I didn’t want to tell Eorin. I didn’t want to turn these miserable feelings I was experiencing toward Eorin.
Just as I was about to put down my phone, it vibrated again. This time it wasn’t a messenger but a phone call.
“……”
If I let him hear my voice, he’d definitely catch on right away. While I hesitated, the call ended.
[If it’s nothing why aren’t you answering the phone]
[I told you to definitely contact me]
Before going home, Eorin had firmly held my hand and looked into my eyes, asking me to contact him. Ah, I see. Eorin knew I wouldn’t contact him.
But how could I contact him? I knew the relationship between Eorin and me well. No matter how much Eorin looked after me, no matter how much goodwill I held toward Eorin, we couldn’t simply be friends. The difference in our positions was that clear.
So there was no way I could contact Eorin. It wasn’t easy to confide my inferiority complex to someone who was clearly in a superior position to me. I covered my face. I felt miserable.
[Where are you?]
[I’m fine]
[No you’re not]
Eorin was persistent today. No matter how many times I said it was nothing, that I was fine, Eorin kept asking about my situation. I was starting to get angry. Something hot surged up from inside. Just leave me alone, why do you keep doing this? Why?
As if waiting for that exact moment, my phone rang. Breathing heavily, I answered the phone in my anger and shouted.
“I said I’m fine!”
-……
“Why do you keep doing this? Why won’t you just leave me alone?”
-Chiwon-ah.
“How could I…… to you……”
How could I tell you? The inside of my throat was hot.
-Chiwon-ah.
“……I’m sorry for yelling.”
I hung up just like that.
I was always in the position of taking care of others. There were sixteen younger siblings, I was the oldest, and there weren’t many teachers to look after the children. But that couldn’t be the reason for my ‘maturity.’
You grew up well without getting twisted even in that environment. You take good care of your younger siblings, how admirable.
The truth was completely different. My insides were already rotten to the core with inferiority complex. Even though I usually buried it and lived with it, there were times when it suddenly popped out. I first realized this when the Chairman came to the orphanage once.
The Chairman remembered my face. There weren’t just one or two children at the orphanage, so he wouldn’t know my name, but that small connection—that I liked the same snacks as his grandson—seemed to have stayed with the Chairman significantly. The Chairman came to me and showed me a photo of his grandson, smiling.
“This is my grandson. He’s the same age as you.”
He didn’t add much more, but I could tell. From that gesture and smile showing it off, how much he loved his grandson. At that moment, I was strangely seized by an impulse to kick away from that spot.
Just then, one of the younger kids spilled milk, and I immersed myself in cleaning up the spilled milk and comforting the crying child. It felt like that was the only way I could erase that gloomy feeling. While admiring the child smiling in the photo on one hand, I was terribly envious of that kid.
