I averted my gaze. Levia was still looking at me.
A Dryad approached and quietly set down a basket. Inside were a teacup that hadn’t gone cold and some simple things to eat. I stared at it blankly. The footsteps of the Dryad leaving with the basket were barely audible.
“Rest a little.”
Levia said. It was a suggestion, not an order.
I raised my hand and picked up the teacup. It was still warm. I touched it to my lips. The scent was faint and there was almost no taste. But it was strangely comforting.
I set down the teacup and looked at the drawing again. Suddenly, Levia approached and was peering at the wooden board.
“Were you perhaps drawing me?”
It was a completely unexpected statement. But I soon realized it was a joke. Anyone could tell the drawing wasn’t him.
At those words, I almost smiled subtly. It felt like a small crack had formed between the sensations that had been only anxiety and tension. I shook my head.
“What do you like, Levia-nim?”
But somehow, at my question, he had a half-dazed expression on his face, then much later spoke with delight and fuss.
“You’re asking me?”
Then, as if he’d been waiting, Levia smiled very brightly.
“Pretty things. And… you’re so pretty.”
It was an expected answer. But for some reason, those words sounded strangely warm.
Ah, this. How can he say such shameless things so easily? I didn’t think it was intentional. He just said what he wanted to say, and I’m probably overreacting.
Soon he smiled with the gentlest smile in the world and stroked my head. I no longer flinched or pulled away.
It felt strange to become newly aware of that. To think I’d gotten used to this. To think I felt it was okay, or rather felt good.
His presence was still peculiar, but I no longer found it only unfamiliar. Just as I was about to say something, Levia spoke very carefully.
“But is that where you were sitting?”
I didn’t answer. But somehow, it felt like it was. There might have been a memory of someone sitting in that place, and me watching it for a very long time. But who was that person?
Levia asked without turning his head.
“Why did you forget it?”
That question was directed at myself. I kept my hands on my knees and lowered my head silently.
I don’t know. I really don’t know. I have no memory, but only sensation shook me. If that drawing has somewhere it should take me, where could it be?
“…I can’t leave now.”
I said quietly. It wasn’t a declaration or will, but the only fact I could grasp right now, at this moment. Right now, I can’t escape this place. I blurted it out without realizing it.
Levia turned his head. He took a short breath. Then added one more thing.
“I see. In that case.”
The sun was setting. Dusky shadows descended over the trees. When I walked back inside the nest, several Dryads were tidying up the moss. Someone was quietly burning incense, someone was trimming grass.
I quietly settled in a corner. The charcoal hadn’t been wiped from my hands yet, and black stains were seeping between my fingers.
Levia didn’t follow.
I placed my hands on my knees and quietly regulated my breathing, inhaling the wind. A strange smell came through the wind. Dust, wet metal, smoke. It wasn’t as vivid as a memory, but it wasn’t unfamiliar.
“Perhaps….”
Perhaps I really might have to leave soon. No, I might have no choice but to leave. But not now. Today isn’t over yet. The sensation at my fingertips is alive, and I’m still here.
That night, I didn’t dream. I propped the drawing beside my bed. The chair was still in that place. But I didn’t touch it again.
I was a little afraid. Of recalling who the person sitting in that chair had been.
And of knowing where that person is now.
***
“What should I do?”
“Do as you wish. What would be the problem?”
Those words remained in my ears. At first I couldn’t accept them. I thought them arrogant. As if even the directionality of my existence was placed under this being’s intent.
But somehow, it was strange. I wasn’t displeased.
Rather, I felt something like relief.
It didn’t make sense. I didn’t know who I was, didn’t know why I was here. Why did hearing such words reassure me? I should clearly have been uncomfortable, should have been angry.
No, why should I have been uncomfortable and angry? Suddenly I felt that sense of alienation. Doesn’t it not matter?
I leaned my back and slowly regulated my breathing. Wind brushed my face. The wooden board I’d drawn earlier was still lying before my eyes. The charcoal had gotten smaller, and powder clung damply to my fingertips.
***
The next day, as soon as I woke from sleep, I washed and ate a simple meal. And immediately carefully picked up the charcoal again. There was still something I hadn’t drawn. Suddenly my hand moved first. Unconsciously.
Next to the sword in the drawing, I drew a longsword with a golden hilt. That hilt was ornate, and at its center was engraved a pattern shaped like a star. I definitely had no memory of seeing it, yet my hand knew the form. Then I drew a spear, and the shoulder part of armor. The form gradually came to resemble a person.
“…I might actually be quite good at drawing….”
I recognized it as a foolish thought, but perhaps it really might be true. Or it might be closer to wishing it were true. My hand kept moving.
A firm jaw, a blue cloak. The posture was upright and dignified. And beside it was not a chair but a throne. A tall, wide throne placed atop stairs. Carved wooden decorations and metal ornaments were mixed, and at the head was carved a lion’s face.
I unconsciously drew in breath. The drawing before my eyes was unfamiliar yet familiar. My heart trembled slightly. A chill brushed down my spine.
“Who is that person?”
A quiet voice was heard. It was Levia. He was already beside me.
I wasn’t surprised. Strangely, I’d gotten used to it now. It seemed I’d come to accept this being’s presence beside me like air.
But an answer didn’t come easily.
“…I don’t know.”
I said that, but I felt like I knew. That person was someone I knew. No, at least someone I had known. My hand remembered it, and I drew lines following that memory.
But the name didn’t come to mind. My mouth stiffened heavily.
Levia gazed at the drawing for a while, then quietly reached out his hand. He didn’t touch the drawing. His fingertip merely stopped at a position pointing above the throne.
“Isn’t there something here?”
Those words were excessively simple. But I couldn’t easily ignore their meaning. That place was certainly empty. The throne existed, but no seated person was drawn. The sword and cloak, the carved gold ornaments were vivid, but a blank remained at the center.
“The human commander I saw before sometimes sat on things like that too.”
“Is that so?”
“Yes. Probably? It might have been something different, but at least that’s what I know.”
“What… happened to those commanders… no, those kings?”
“Not long ago I caught a few and gave them a good scolding…. Well, they probably chose a new commander. I don’t know now.”
I unconsciously touched my throat. A parched sensation. Strangely, seeing that empty seat made my chest feel stuffy. As if someone should be there but wasn’t. And the strange conviction that I myself might have been sitting in that seat.
But that was strange. There was no way I was a human suited for a throne. The current me had no memories and even my name was hazy. I was merely a half-person who’d barely survived and entered this forest.
Then why. Why was looking at that seat so suffocating?
“Are you looking for a human to sit there?”
Levia’s words ended with a question mark, but contained an air of already knowing. Levia was sometimes like that. He didn’t read someone’s heart first, but there were times when he spoke as if he’d been watching for a very long time.
Perhaps it’s my misunderstanding. Perhaps he’s asking out of pure curiosity. Perhaps it’s just my own guilty conscience. I carefully nodded.
“…Perhaps. I might be looking.”
Those words sounded strange even to myself. But I couldn’t deny it. This drawing was drawn by my unconscious, not my conscious mind, and the unconscious had approached the truth before me.
Levia sat quietly beside me. Very slowly, he drew close enough that his breath could touch the wood.
No scent, no sensation. Yet there was definitely a presence. It was air that was never empty.
“Honestly, I think it’s convenient. I had such a hard time erasing Miros and Raha’s memories. No, strictly speaking, rather than erasing them, should I say I roughly covered them up?”
“You erased… their memories? Why would you do such a thing…?”
“Because they might die.”
Levia said quietly. It was a calm tone. I immediately realized those words weren’t a joke or an exaggeration. So I asked again.
“…Die. Who?”
“Those children.”
He spoke as if bringing up a story already concluded, but within it was the carefulness of taking out something old again.
“Miros and Raha. Those children are human. This place isn’t suitable for humans. Of course, at first I didn’t think so…. But as a result, that’s how it is.”
“You erased their memories… because of that?”
“Yes. Honestly, it’s regrettable. But what can I do? I want both Miros and Raha to be happy.”
Levia lowered his head slightly. I quietly looked at his fingertips. Under his nails permeated with dust, a single leaf rested. Levia brushed it off with leisurely hands.
“It was fun being with Miros…. We read books together, made incense, drew stars on the floor. Our Miros was really, really pretty, you know? Really.”
“Then… why did you send him back?”
“Because I wished for him to live happily.”
Those words had no decoration. They were simply as stated. I quietly closed my mouth.
“Because Miros is precious. For a specimen who received a Star to not even enjoy the natural order and become ‘us.’ That’s too pitiful.”
“So you sent him back with his memories covered?”
Levia nodded. Then smiled innocently and said.
“That child can now live with his own kind. He’ll be able to fully enjoy the blessing he possesses. Instead of memories, a strangely affectionate feeling will remain. Perhaps someday he’ll recall me. But that doesn’t matter. What I wished for has already been achieved.”
He paused for a moment. Then opened his mouth again.
“Raha was different.”
It was a short statement, but within it was weight.
“Perhaps because I shared too much power, he assimilated with me. I didn’t know human mental strength couldn’t endure it.”
I wanted to ask something but didn’t open my mouth. Levia continued.
“He literally went mad. He even asked me to ‘preserve’ him like us. Dangerously.”
“Was it dangerous?”
“Yes. I worried his soul might completely collapse. Yet he insisted it was fine and made such a fuss….”
“…Did you accept?”
“No.”
Those words were short, but unwavering.
“How could I do such a cruel thing to that pretty child? But Raha was a bit difficult. I couldn’t just cover it up like with Miros. In the end, I pulled the spring back just a little. And sent him back. So he could live again as a human. So he could be filled again with his own thoughts and emotions.”
“Do you think he can recover?”
“Our Raha is a really pretty child. Everything in the world should work hard for that child’s sake. Because I want that.”
I newly realized once again how arrogant I had been. This was more gentle and kind than anything, but unspeakably eerie. That bizarreness was terrifying, and at times wondrous. But paradoxically, I had no choice but to accept the fact that it was beautiful precisely because of that.
He was just such a being.
And somehow I also felt somewhat proud. The fact that such a being looked at me and watched over me. Truly, a strange sensation.
I didn’t say anything for a while. The air inside the nest seemed to press down on me. Within the gentle, still space, an old story was quietly concluding.
“…Then will I eventually become like that too?”
