Certainly, Elion had changed quite a lot. Of course, it might just be my imagination.
Elion was still cautious, well-mannered, and tried to control his senses.
I can’t say he’s completely opened his heart. He’s just accepted the distance my hands can reach.
“How is it? Does it still hurt?”
I asked while examining Elion’s shoulder. Though the flesh was restored, the fragile flesh and bones would obviously still be creaking. Elion hesitated for a moment then nodded.
“I’m fine but… still, yes.”
How can he be so polite? Even while saying it hurts, he doesn’t cry or throw a tantrum. In my admiration, I placed my hand on the injured shoulder and infused just a little more energy.
Elion looked at my hand and let out a shallow breath like a sigh. Is this relief, or permission?
“Thank you.”
“Not at all. It was because our kids were overzealous.”
Though it was also partly my fault for not stopping it. Even though I thought I knew well enough that not all humans are like Phellos or Mima, I left it alone out of spite and he got hurt, didn’t he? I withdrew my hand again and muttered.
“You’re really strange. When you were so afraid.”
“…I can’t say I’m not scared even now.”
“Really?”
Elion lowered his head, but didn’t completely turn away.
“Just, perhaps… I can trust you a little.”
What welcome words those were. Though he requires so much care and is endlessly finicky, even so, hearing those words spoken in passing while wagging his tail like this was truly pleasant to hear.
Though the person who said it seemed quite embarrassed about it.
***
I cared for Elion with quite devoted sincerity.
I think Elion was quite satisfied with my treatment too. After that, he gradually became more talkative. He also stopped avoiding my approaches.
Moreover, he’s obediently accepting being dressed up by me. Whether it’s from fear, or because he has an excessively gentle personality. Either way, I was satisfied.
The dryads just watched Elion from afar. Realizing how fragile Elion was seemed quite shocking.
Whatever Elion remembered, whether it headed in the direction of leaving this place, I had to prepare for Elion to be able to leave my domain.
I will not hold Elion back.
But now, while Elion stays here, I embrace Elion. That is my way. Like extending roots, like covering presence, like gathering wind.
“What are you making this time?”
Elion was sitting on the bed looking at a piece of wood. It was a rough piece, but Elion rubbed it with his fingertips and looked at it for a long time.
“…At first I had a goal, but as I made it, I no longer knew.”
“Really? That’s strange.”
“As I made it, it didn’t turn out as I thought.”
The piece of wood in Elion’s hands was carved all over with something. It seems like he tried to make some shape, but I don’t know what. It’s shaped like vines climbing a pillar and then breaking, all twisted.
It seems like he tried hard to make something, but to my eyes it just looked like poorly dried firewood.
“Mm. Deer intestines?”
“That definitely wasn’t it.”
Oh dear. Setting aside that my guess was wrong, it seems he’s sulking because of the wrong answer. Elion seemed to be trying hard to pretend otherwise, but he unknowingly revealed a sullen behavior.
“Something, there’s something I keep feeling.”
I don’t know well, but through it, Elion was trying to remember something.
“Didn’t you say you were afraid to remember?”
I wasn’t afraid of Elion regaining his memories.
Rather, I waited for it. Whether that memory changed Elion, made him forget me, or made him leave this forest. I was prepared to accept all possibilities.
It’s just that Elion being afraid of it seems strange. He lost what’s his, so why would he be afraid of getting it back? Really, this specimen is too delicate and fragile. Though Miros and Raha were weak, they were spirited in their own way.
Elion made an incomprehensible sound with a subtle expression.
“It could be scary. Or it might not be…. I also think it might surprisingly be nothing much.”
I can tell he’s confused, but I don’t know what he’s afraid of. When he doesn’t even remember, what is there to be so afraid of? It’s not an immediate matter, and when he doesn’t even know what it is.
“Levia-nim, is there something you want to forget?”
“No. Not at all.”
“Is that so?”
So many worries. I answered with a smile.
“Everything is precious. Of course.”
“Even if it’s truly… painful and unpleasant memories?”
Unpleasant memories? They’re not completely absent. Disappointing memories, or memories that are too sad. But I could say firmly.
“If there are happy things, there are also sad things. You can be angry and feel wronged. But without that sadness, how would you feel joy? You wouldn’t even know if it’s joy.”
I just stated an obvious fact, but Elion made a distressed expression instead. Why?
***
Ah, how can he be so fragile yet try so hard? His sincerity is admirable.
I now know what structure human memory exists in. Though only in theory. Since there’s already a precedent, I studied it in my own way albeit belatedly. After all, it’s what humans themselves analyzed directly, so it should be relatively accurate, right?
Their memories establish themselves through repetition, become distorted by entanglement with emotions, and are reconstructed in ways that justify themselves.
Elion will be the same. However, I don’t forget what I saw. The movement of fingertips, the intervals of breathing, the trembling of voice and such. I will remember it, and when it returns to Elion again, I will not hold Elion back.
Elion is still by my side. However, I don’t say that Elion is staying. Elion simply hasn’t left yet. And within that, I am protecting Elion.
I want to understand Elion. Even after Elion stopped asking questions, I am thinking about that answer.
I am something old. And for something old, there is a sensation that remains long.
[Elion]
Who am I, and where is this?
Could there be a more stupid question in the world?
When I first opened my eyes, I regained only consciousness without remembering my name or past. It was an unfamiliar ecosystem and unfamiliar beings. Even without memory, I could tell. Those are beings I’ve never seen or felt before.
Particularly frightening was the existence that introduced itself as Levia-Rishian. It said it wasn’t human. It really wasn’t human. But I don’t know what it is. It only said it was ‘something old.’ I knew that was the correct answer, but really regrettably, I couldn’t understand the concept.
The presence of Levia watching over me initially induced anxiety and wariness, but gradually became familiar over time. Really surprisingly so.
That thing was a self-centered existence. In various ways.
Except for dressing me in splendid clothes while calling it ‘adorning,’ Levia didn’t interfere with anything else, and I rather felt stability from that distance of observation. Though memories didn’t return, there wasn’t anything greatly inconvenient beyond expectation. Though it was a somewhat shoddy appearance, it means there was no difficulty in living.
This place is called a nest. The existence that saved me, Levia, told me so. Here, tree monsters with forms similar to humans wander about. Occasionally a giant gray bear also visits. That bear is very large and looks terrifying. Yet despite that, it also talks.
Even without memory, I know this is strange. Those are things that aren’t common sense. Everything here is like that. Raw trees that move making creaking sounds and a house-sized gray bear talking.
Levia said its current form isn’t its main body. It said it ‘kindly’ wore a human form because I would die if I saw it. Certainly, regardless of outward appearance, a sense of alienation was felt sensory-wise.
Even if I couldn’t explain it, I couldn’t deny the fact that it was reality.
Yet I was adapting to this bizarre reality. Becoming more and more familiar, I was now rather becoming afraid of leaving here. Maybe, isn’t it good as it is? Maybe I don’t need to regain my memories?
***
The forest always held the same smell, but today was a bit different. Less humid, the wind shallow. Does it mean I can go outside? Or do I just want to feel that way?
One dryad quietly passed in front of me. As always, it was turning over moss while waving its rake-like elongated fingers. It flinched and hesitated as if feeling my gaze, but soon finished its work with a nonchalant face again.
Honestly speaking, I don’t know if that’s a normal expression or not. How would I know a tree’s expression? However, it’s not bothersome. No, it never was bothersome.
I slowly got up from my seat and passed by the small pile of grass the dryad had stacked.
Under my feet rustled. Grass blades stretched long. Their ends tapped my knees. I didn’t stop walking.
When I reached an area where the shade thinned and tree branches were sparse, my view opened up wide. Far away, very far away.
I had the illusion that there was something beyond the forest’s boundary. The outline of the mountain range wasn’t clear, and fog was flowing. A place that might exist beyond the fog. It was a landscape somehow familiar yet unable to be named.
The place where I stood was quiet, but somehow I felt my insides churning. Is this a place I’m allowed to be? Or is this place now somewhere I shouldn’t dare intrude?
“Are you going? Then, take something. Humans need to eat well to move.”
The voice heard from behind was soft. However, it was a tone that didn’t ask back. Even without turning around, I knew it was Levia. That characteristic breathing, a smell like tree fragrance, and that composure as if knowing everything without explanation.
