Though he’d only confirmed his own patheticness through failure, the reunion with Geum-gang was quite a big achievement.
It wasn’t that he shamelessly wanted only to receive help. It was like a small pleasure that bloomed in his hopeless life after Do-ha got married. That alone was enough to help Hui-myeong breathe.
Could all of this be because of Do-ha? If he’d lived freely without having his life mortgaged to him, would he not have longed for Geum-gang? He couldn’t deny that either. If he’d lived as a normal person, even if he met him again, he’d naturally be scared seeing Geum-gang as a lawbreaker and thug.
But the reason he looked like a savior was because the current situation was rock bottom.
Is my life really rock bottom?
Compared to others, it couldn’t be considered rock bottom, Hui-myeong thought. Twenty-nine. At an age when others were busy with the job war and social life, it was difficult to find a decent place to live without parental help.
If Hui-myeong had graduated high school without getting entangled with Do-ha, his situation would have been worse than that. Hui-myeong wasn’t good at studying, and he had no skills, let alone passion for life. He might have done simple physical labor, or if unlucky, might have gone to a place selling alcohol and laughter. Though he hated his mother who worked at Suseolhwa, that was all he’d seen and learned.
Thinking that way, Do-ha was Jung Hui-myeong’s savior. He provided a decent home without having to work, let him shop without limit, and even let him learn hobbies. If the quality of life was this good, Do-ha’s level of restraint should rightfully be considered his right. Thinking of that reason, wasn’t marriage perhaps within an acceptable range?
That can’t be right.
Hui-myeong shook his head alone.
Perhaps even this was a net Do-ha had laid. Making Jung Hui-myeong unable to even dream of independence. But he too would soon pass his twenties and gradually age, so he wondered how long he could continue to be loved by Do-ha.
Is it even really love?
His mind was complicated with ambivalent feelings. I want to leave. No, let’s not have idle thoughts and stay put quietly. I want to go to Geum-gang. Would Geum-gang want me like Do-ha does? Or should I plan to run away again? None of those were perfect alternatives.
Suddenly lifting his head, Hui-myeong’s vision caught his hands trembling regardless of his will. At the same time, his breathing became stuffy and his head began to throb.
This is……
It was a precursor symptom of panic. It had been quiet for a while, but being left alone in an empty house without Do-ha brought on the hidden anxiety. Unable to endure it, he got up from his spot.
“No, it definitely won’t be.”
Hui-myeong muttered alone and began searching the house as if possessed. It was to find any hidden CCTV. Seeing how he’d called Section Chief Kim all the way to the house to check, there clearly weren’t any cameras installed, but he couldn’t let go of the anxiety. The delusion that had already started didn’t stop, and Hui-myeong ran around everywhere without even noticing his shower gown coming off and trailing behind.
Only after spending over two hours examining the ceiling of the entire house and rummaging through everything in every room did Hui-myeong sink back down. As expected, there were no cameras.
Exhausted, Hui-myeong crouched down weakly in front of the living room sofa again.
“I told you there weren’t any……”
Even knowing cameras weren’t installed, he had to confirm it with his own eyes. That no one was watching his ugly appearance.
Panic was a long-standing chronic condition that started in America. It began with wanting to hide from the shame of himself—a mom who sold her son for money, being dragged by a friend who tormented him and giving his body while being beaten every day.
When Hui-myeong was soaked in alcohol and cigarettes, Do-ha installed cameras saying he was monitoring him. From then on, Hui-myeong started having delusions that his ugly appearance was being exposed to countless people. He’d destroyed cameras and gone on a rampage, hyperventilating to the limit and collapsing many times.
It was the same even when someone was placed to watch in front of the house. Hui-myeong believed crowds would gather in front of his house to watch him being raped while beaten. Fortunately thanks to that, Do-ha stopped installing cameras or posting people, but it was impossible for Hui-myeong’s anxiety to completely disappear.
“It’s okay, it’s okay……”
Hui-myeong sat with his knees bent, crossing his arms in an X to pat himself. There was a belief that even though Do-ha beat Jung Hui-myeong, he would never leave him to die. Because Do-ha was the only guardian in this wide world full of countless people tiny as sesame seeds.
He tried forcibly biting his trembling lips, but eventually tears burst out.
“Hheuk……”
Why do I always have to convince myself that Do-ha is an okay person? I was beaten and raped even on his wedding day, so why do I want to believe Do-ha is my guardian?
The reality of not being able to run away even knowing it wasn’t right. That made Hui-myeong sad.
6.
From the day after the incident, a small change occurred in Hui-myeong’s daily routine. Whenever he had time, he devoted himself to finding Geum-gang’s phone number. Even when Section Chief Kim followed him everywhere he went out, Hui-myeong put in earphones and pretended to play with his phone while calling various combinations of Geum-gang’s number. Section Chief Kim’s surveillance was too sharp to visit the pawn shop in broad daylight, and though he went several times at night, it was too late and the lights were off. After doing that a few times, the money he’d received from Geum-gang began running out quickly.
Nothing was going as planned. His passport was gone, and he couldn’t even borrow money from Geum-gang. Even the expensive watches couldn’t be sold, so no other methods came to mind.
On the other hand, Geum-gang’s existence also suppressed Hui-myeong’s desire to escape. Day and night, he was distracted solely by matching Geum-gang’s phone number.
“Damn, it’s not matching.”
Hui-myeong muttered to himself while drawing a red line through 9181.
He’d thought he’d get it in about a dozen tries, but the calls he’d made so far numbered a whopping 150. There were 99 number combinations, so he thought it would work in 99 tries, but if they didn’t answer, he had to change the time and call again, so it was no ordinary ordeal.
He wanted to shake off Section Chief Kim and storm into the pawn shop in broad daylight, but he was afraid Do-ha would flip out and return to Korea. To maximize his freedom without him, Hui-myeong had to be obedient.
To avoid arousing Section Chief Kim’s suspicion, Hui-myeong deliberately went department store shopping too. He bought a few outfits, shoes, and perfume. Section Chief Kim swiped his card for a few million won without much reaction.
After shopping, he lazed around drinking coffee and eating cookies in the VIP room, then ate bulgogi set meal at the restaurant floor at the top of the department store. Section Chief Kim waited at a distance as usual, then paid and took him out. It was 59,000 won per serving, but it tasted terrible. He thought he would have been more satisfied eating a bowl of jjajangmyeon at the food court.
Thinking that reminded him of Geum-gang again. Normally he would have eavesdropped on other tables’ conversations, tried the newly learned image search, or at least watched diving videos. Hui-myeong’s nerves were entirely focused on finding Geum-gang’s number.
The time he could make calls was until 10 PM. After getting cursed at a few times for calling unknown numbers after 10 PM, Hui-myeong resolved not to call late at night.
The current time was 9:59 PM. Hui-myeong decided to make just one more call and give up.
The signal went for a while, but the other party didn’t answer. Numbers that didn’t answer had to be marked with triangles and called again during the day. Just in case it was Geum-gang’s number and he missed it.
They’re not answering.
Well, for a wary Korean person, it would be stranger to answer an unfamiliar number calling in the middle of the night. Just as he was drawing a diagonal line to mark it with a triangle, the connection tone beyond the receiver stopped.
—Who is it?
A low voice mixed with slight irritation. From the bustling surroundings, he was outside. As soon as he recognized the voice’s owner, Hui-myeong’s heart beat violently.
“Ma-maljaji?”
—What?
Ah, damn. That word must be too stuck in his head. Hui-myeong regretted it as soon as he uttered the word.
He could imagine the other’s face. A fierce expression scrunched up with furrowed brows. Thinking of that made his heart pound again.
“Tha-that? You said to call if I want maljaji?”
Hui-myeong continued speaking, pretending to be fine. Even so, saying maljaji as soon as he answered the phone was too much. Now he was also nervous that the person answering might not be Geum-gang.
In the silence that flowed for a moment, Hui-myeong’s lips kept drying up.
Along with the sound of ‘wait a moment,’ the noise beyond the receiver quieted. Whatever he was doing, someone’s panting breath and what seemed like moans could be heard.
—Not maljaji, I think I said maljot.
Geum-gang’s voice was calm. Since the word that came out after the silence was just ‘jot’ (cock), Hui-myeong was even more flustered.
“Tha-that’s the same thing.”
—Your asshole must be itching already.
He added words mixed with faint laughter.
“It wasn’t that big. Not to that extent.”
