“Can I have one too?”
“You smoke too?”
With Geum-gang’s incredulous laugh, cigarette smoke spread in a donut shape.
“Just, sometimes.”
“Smoke, smoke.”
He tossed the cigarette pack at Hui-myeong with a thud. When Hui-myeong excitedly received the cigarette and put it in his lips, Geum-gang bent down with a lighter as if indulging him. With a cheerful sound of poof-, the flame touched the end of the cigarette. Deeply inhaling and exhaling, his lips naturally curved up at the feeling of his body becoming drowsy.
After watching him for a moment, Geum-gang hurriedly put the lighter in his pocket as if his hand had caught fire.
“Since when?”
“Huh?”
Hui-myeong asked back while exhaling white smoke. Since Do-ha wasn’t home, he wasn’t afraid of the cigarette smell permeating everything.
“I asked when you started smoking.”
“Just. When was it again.”
Hui-myeong tried to recall. In middle and high school, he’d taken one or two cigarettes from packs the Suseolhwa noonas had left behind and tried smoking, but he hadn’t found much interest. It was in America that he began earnestly indulging in things bad for his body.
He was originally someone who suffered from loneliness a lot, but he’d been dropped in America where there was no one and he couldn’t even communicate. On top of that, Hui-myeong wasn’t particularly strong-willed, and he was completely broken from the sudden loss of Geum-gang and Do-ha’s violence.
Even in the midst of all that, Do-ha diligently attended school, saying it was the family’s order. When he was home alone, Hui-myeong drank and smoked. He was in a state of mind where he wanted to break down. Whether in Korea or America, there was no one to care for him if he died, and he wanted to show Do-ha too. How miserably Jung Hui-myeong, the person he brought because of his selfishness, was collapsing.
As expected, Do-ha’s first reaction was violence. Every time he came home, Hui-myeong was soaked in alcohol and cigarettes with unfocused eyes, so it was understandable he’d be angry. But soon realizing violence couldn’t be the answer, he stayed by Hui-myeong’s side so he wouldn’t be alone.
Even though it wasn’t an easy decision to achieve the grades the family demanded, Do-ha boldly skipped school for Jung Hui-myeong’s sake. Because of such behavior, Hui-myeong couldn’t escape him. Even while raging like a madman, in an instant he’d become calm like the sea after waves have disappeared, embracing Jung Hui-myeong’s loneliness as if it were his own and loving him.
“Hey, forget it. Fuck, why is when you started smoking so important.”
When Hui-myeong remained blankly silent, Geum-gang quickly gave up on getting an answer.
“Just, after I turned twenty, I smoke occasionally. Just occasionally……”
As memories with Do-ha suddenly came to mind, Hui-myeong’s mood sank instantly. Along with the sense of helplessness that he couldn’t run away without a passport or money came the reality that Do-ha had really gotten married, which he still couldn’t believe. Day by day, he was pathetically afraid that Do-ha would grow distant and abandon him, and he found himself miserably pitiful.
“But hyung, didn’t you want to see me?”
Hui-myeong asked him as if begging. The loneliness that came crashing without warning made Hui-myeong feel desperate. No matter who the other person was, especially if he was the person he’d liked so much 10 years ago, he wanted to have his affection confirmed even more. Even if it was in past tense, he needed proof that he wasn’t a worthless person who deserved to be abandoned everywhere.
Geum-gang stared at him while silently inhaling his cigarette. His black eyes whose depth couldn’t be known wavered for a moment. He tried to find hope in that, but the answer he wanted didn’t come. Obliviously, noise rang out from somewhere. It was the sound of a motorcycle stopping.
“…The jjajangmyeon’s here.”
At Geum-gang’s words that finally fell, Hui-myeong lowered his eyes.
As expected, I’m not someone deserving of that much love. Is Do-ha the only one who will consistently love me like this?
The conclusion Hui-myeong faced was bitter. It was always like this. The conclusion that only Do-ha would love him when even the mother who gave birth to him sold him for five thousand. He’d always wanted to run away, but perhaps he’d actually wanted to be held back, to have his love confirmed in that way?
Hui-myeong’s time had stopped at nineteen, when his mother sold him. Nineteen—an age when some receive their parents’ support and become independent, but his mother was pleased that she’d sold her son for a good price. Just like cattle raised fully and sent to the auction house.
Perhaps because of that shock, Hui-myeong became a simple person who, no matter how much he was kicked and beaten, would bounce and wag his tail like a puppy if given just a little affection. Since no one told him, he didn’t know it was abnormal.
As Hui-myeong hung his head dejectedly, Geum-gang suddenly jumped up from his seat and snatched the burning cigarette from his hand to put it out.
“Bastard… stealing someone’s cigarette to take two puffs. If you’re going to sit there looking miserable, I’m taking the jjajangmyeon too?”
“No, no. I want to eat jjajangmyeon.”
The delivery person who had already entered the office set down two bowls of jjajangmyeon, sweet and sour pork, and a handful of peppermint candies.
The scent of fried oil that filled the room brought back Hui-myeong’s disappeared appetite.
“Keep the change for the peppermint candies.”
When Geum-gang handed over a fifty-thousand-won bill, the delivery person bowed his head and left the office. It was oddly fascinating to see a delivery person receive cash instead of using an app in this day and age.
Hui-myeong sat close to the table and split the wooden chopsticks. But as if he had no luck today, even the wooden chopsticks split crookedly. Looking at the one side with the corner split diagonally and the other side with a bump, he felt dejected again.
“This bastard can’t do anything. I can already tell you’ll suck at mixing jjajangmyeon too, so don’t cause trouble and wait quietly.”
Geum-gang skillfully split wooden chopsticks and quickly mixed the jjajangmyeon, then set it down in front of Hui-myeong with a thud, somewhat gruffly.
“Thanks, hyung.”
He’d clearly been depressed up until holding the chopsticks, but after putting one or two chopsticks of jjajangmyeon in his mouth, his mood improved as if nothing had happened. It was incomparably more delicious than the fine dining he’d had at the hotel. He was very hungry, so emptying one bowl was quick.
“Hey, eat this too. Are you starving yourself?”
Geum-gang said while scooping more than half of his jjajangmyeon into Hui-myeong’s bowl. Hui-myeong didn’t refuse and ate it all up, even dipping the sweet and sour pork deeply in sauce.
“Hyung, aren’t you hungry?”
As his empty stomach was soothed, he finally noticed Geum-gang. He was holding chopsticks and watching Hui-myeong eat abundantly.
“This is enough for me.”
He put down the bowl, then unwrapped a peppermint candy and put it in his mouth before leaning back loosely on the sofa. Though his gaze was burdensome, eating was more important. Perhaps because it was food he’d been thinking about all day, it was especially delicious.
Only after emptying all the bowls did Hui-myeong put down his chopsticks. With his stomach full, his gaze turned to Geum-gang again. He was rolling a peppermint candy around in his mouth while watching Hui-myeong.
“Do I look like a pig?”
Hui-myeong, who only now felt embarrassed, threw out a pointless question. Unable to watch anymore, Geum-gang pulled out a few tissues from the tissue box and wiped Hui-myeong’s mouth. Once again, he’d been eating so frantically he hadn’t paid any attention to his mouth. It was something he couldn’t even imagine in front of Do-ha, who was upright and neat in everything, but somehow he felt comfortable and relaxed in front of Geum-gang.
“What is this, doesn’t know how to borrow money, doesn’t know how to eat jjajangmyeon. You’re a lot of work.”
“Can I eat a peppermint candy too?”
When Hui-myeong, whose eyes had gained more life, pointed at the candy with his finger, Geum-gang suddenly threw the tissue he was holding to the floor. Unlike his build, his emotions seemed to change rapidly over trivial matters.
“You can eat them all, so pack your bag. I’ll take you home.”
Geum-gang stood up and put his hands in his pockets. Though it felt like being suddenly kicked out, he couldn’t just spend time here indefinitely. While Geum-gang was getting car keys from the president’s office, Hui-myeong unwrapped a peppermint candy and put it in his mouth, then hugged the watch bag.
The cool sensation spreading through his mouth felt good. While waiting for Geum-gang’s car, Hui-myeong crunched and chewed the peppermint candy, then unwrapped two more and put them in his mouth.
If there was one thing that never ran out at the Suseolhwa where he lived, it was condoms and peppermint candies. At the time, Hui-myeong wasn’t interested in condoms, so he just grabbed and ate peppermint candies as he came and went. After meeting Do-ha who hated cheap candy, he’d forgotten about them, but eating them after so long made him feel like he’d returned to the past.
Before long, Geum-gang’s car stopped in front, and Hui-myeong naturally got into the passenger seat. He drove toward Ugok Station without even asking.
“Should I give you one more, hyung?”
Hui-myeong asked while holding out a peppermint candy he’d taken from his pocket. Then without answering, he snatched it and immediately peeled the candy with his teeth to eat it.
“It’s been so long since I’ve had peppermint candy, it’s delicious. Hyung, do you remember I liked peppermint candy?”
“How would I remember something like that?”
