That day, it rained particularly heavily. After the funeral ended and Sehyun was left alone in the empty house, he visited Doha’s house as if possessed by something.
When the door opened with a click, Sehyun held his breath.
The nightmare of that day came to mind.
Sehyun approached the table as if possessed. There sat a single worn picture frame. A Polaroid photo taken together in the waiting room during OnX’s debut. The members with faces much more youthful than now were smiling brightly. Doha was also making a V sign and smiling awkwardly.
‘……Hyung.’
Sehyun’s fingertips traced the glass of the frame. Doha in the photo didn’t look lonely. At least back then, he looked happy among the members. Everything was immature, but there was no time to be lonely. But the things placed next to that photo were horrific.
Medicine packets piled high. Insomnia medication, antidepressants, sedatives…… The variety and quantity were tremendous. Swallowing all these medicines, what kind of nights had he endured alone? In this large house with no one, looking up at the empty ceiling, what thoughts did he have?
Sehyun discovered crumpled bundles of paper next to the medicine packets. Countless characters written and erased repeatedly were difficult content to understand.
Who had he tried to tell? The members? Or family? Someone he was dating? Did he write and erase and tear up all these letters, hoping someone would understand his heart?
Sehyun headed to the master bedroom bathroom with staggering steps. The place where he drew his last breath. The horrific scene from that day flickered before his eyes. The bathtub dyed red, the face pale and bloodless, the hand hanging limply.
The cross necklace wrapped around those fingertips. Sehyun thought the reason that drove Doha to death must surely be related to that necklace.
Who Baek Doha had met, who had hurt him, who had broken him down that much. Perhaps it was his own fault for not giving him any attention and just standing by.
He wanted to find out anything. He wanted to know the reason.
Sehyun wandered the living room as if possessed. Everywhere his feet touched, traces of Doha remained. A cardigan thrown carelessly on the sofa, a half-read book on the table, and even a withered, twisted potted plant by the window. Everything was as it was. Only the owner had disappeared.
‘…….’
Sehyun picked up the cardigan and buried his nose in it. Faint but clearly felt, Doha’s body scent. That characteristic scent like dried grass mixed with fabric softener came rushing in. It felt like he would open the bedroom door any moment and come out with a disheveled face. Like he would ask gruffly, “Hey, Lim Sehyun. Why did you come?”
“……Hyung.”
Sehyun put strength into his hand gripping the cardigan. It felt like warmth could be felt between the fabric, making his chest tighten. It’s so vivid. The scent, the traces, everything is all here. Why are you the only one not here?
“Ah……”
The tears he’d been holding back burst out. No matter how much he tried to deny it, the absence that filled this space was too clear. The scent he left behind rather painfully confirmed the fact that he wasn’t here.
Just once, he wanted to see him again. Then he would have told him he wasn’t alone, that we were here. Just eat a meal, have a drink, he wanted to be by his side, clinging to him annoyingly like that.
Using the next appointment as an excuse, he hoped to exist like that until he could muster the strength to live even one more day.
* * *
“Ah, this is really tough.”
As the final competition approached right around the corner, the members put their last efforts into practice. Naturally, sleep time was insufficient.
“Yawn.”
Sleeping in the car had become familiar now. As he stretched languidly, before he knew it, the car had entered the parking lot.
“Ugh…… I feel like my back is going to break.”
“I’m getting out first. I need the bathroom urgently.”
Haram and Yunbeom got out of the car, groaning. Eden also followed, grabbing his bag with a half-asleep face. Doha moved his body last. It felt like all the joints in his body were screaming.
“Hyung, aren’t you getting out?”
Sehyun, who had gotten out first, asked while holding the door. Doha got out of the car, making a groaning sound. It was hot during the day, but now that it was night, it was quite chilly. He hunched his body while pulling up the zipper of his hoodie to his neck.
It was just as he was about to head to the dorm entrance.
Sniff sniff.
From somewhere, a savory and sweet smell brushed the tip of his nose. The smell of sizzling in oil. The smell of sugar melting and sticking.
Doha’s head turned on its own. Across from the dorm, in front of the convenience store, a truck stood alone.
[Glutinous Rice Hotteok 1 for 1,500 won]
“……Wow.”
Doha let out an exclamation without realizing it. Early autumn when the cold wind was just starting to blow. Who knew the hotteok truck would already be out? The smell of oil stimulated his stomach when he was already feeling peckish.
“Do you want to eat some?”
That ghost-like guy. Sehyun, who had approached his side before he knew it, caught exactly where Doha’s gaze had lingered.
“Yeah.”
“Did hyung originally like sweet things?”
“Huh?”
“I don’t think you particularly did.”
It was quite thrilling to be suspected after a long time. But that was all. Perhaps because he’d become accustomed to living in someone else’s body now, he just thought, what can you do if my taste has changed?
Sehyun grabbed and pulled Doha’s arm. His figure heading toward the hotteok truck without hesitation looked like a very dignified general. I like this after a long time.
“Hello. Ten hotteok, please.”
“Some handsome young men have come.”
The owner lady greeted them warmly and placed dough on the iron plate. Sizzle-. Watching the hotteok being pressed flat on the oil made him dizzy.
“Please put in a lot of sugar.”
Sehyun said with a beaming smile. The lady laughed and said she would. As he always felt, Sehyun had good social skills. Especially the type loved by elders, you could say.
“The honey should be dripping. Should I put them all in a bag?”
“I’ll have mine in a paper cup, please.”
“Just one in a paper cup, please.”
A moment later, hot hotteok in a paper cup was in Doha’s hand. A few more were contained in a bag as well. This attentiveness of taking care of the members’ portions too.
“Ah, it’s hot.”
Doha blew on the hotteok while taking a bite. Breaking through the crispy shell, hot sugar honey spread throughout his mouth.
“Is it good?”
“Yeah. It’s amazing. You try some too.”
Doha held out the hotteok he’d taken a bite of in front of Sehyun’s face. Then Sehyun bent his head without hesitation and tasted the hotteok.
“Mm, it’s sweet.”
Sehyun looked at Doha while chewing the hotteok. His eyes, catching the streetlight, sparkled particularly.
The two walked toward the dorm, dangling the bag. The bag made a rustling sound as it brushed against their legs.
“This reminds me of our trainee days.”
Sehyun suddenly said.
“Trainee days?”
“Don’t you remember? When we practiced at dawn and got hungry, we secretly climbed over the wall and went out.”
There was no way he could remember. Because that never happened.
Sehyun’s gaze turned to a distant place.
“Back then it was bungeoppang. Hyung had red bean, I had cream.”
“……Was that so.”
“Hyung said back then. The bungeoppang tail is the most delicious part, so why do you eat from the head first?”
“I said that? I was such an old fogy.”
At Doha’s cynical answer, Sehyun chuckled.
“I originally eat delicious things last.”
“Bungeoppang is delicious no matter where you eat from.”
Taking another bite of hotteok, Doha shuddered once more at the sugar honey spreading throughout his mouth.
Watching that Doha, Sehyun laughed again. Mixed in that laughter wasn’t simple nostalgia-mongering. It was something like longing for those times, and a sense of relief that the ordinary daily life he thought would never return was continuing again.
“Back then we didn’t even have money to buy a thousand won worth of bungeoppang, so hyung and I scraped together our change to buy it.”
“Now we have money to buy hotteok.”
“We’ve succeeded, haven’t we?”
Strictly speaking, Baek Doha was rich both then and now, but.
“Back then I really thought I’d have no wishes if only I could debut.”
“…Your wish came true.”
“But once we actually debuted, it was even harder. Lots of work, lots of hurt, well……”
Sehyun’s voice sank a little. Doha chewed the hotteok silently. It is tough. Idol life is really intense.
“But I like it now.”
Sehyun lifted his head and looked at Doha.
“Sneaking out with hyung like this to eat snacks. And walking too.”
“You’re the type who’s happy with surprisingly simple things?”
Don’t lie so shamelessly. You protagonist blinded by ambition.
“What about hyung?”
“What about me?”
“Are you happy now?”
It was an out-of-the-blue question. Happy? Why are you suddenly looking for that on this street, and while eating hotteok at that?
“You must be feeling autumn melancholy.”
Doha definitively defined the reason Sehyun was suddenly rambling like this.
