That was Yoo Sihyeon — and in that moment, Haeshin had understood. So I am capable of real love, not just one-sided longing.
Of course, that one-sided love for him had ended long ago. For no other reason than that Lee Haeshin was a merman.
It was almost funny, feeling something similar now after all this time. Lee Haeshin and Shin Hwichan were still nothing more than barely-acquainted strangers who’d only just gotten past the awkward stage.
But what if. What if, truly……
What if this isn’t just fluttering — what if it’s the beginning of love. What if I reach the point where I can’t stand how curious and beautiful you are, cold as you are and kind as you are?
Then this island would sink beneath the sea. You and I both — we’d drown in it forever.
Could I dare to love you with everything I have?
“Ah, ah…… hah.”
A wet, slick sound came from beneath his palm. Before he’d even realized it, Haeshin had pulled his damp underwear all the way down to his ankles and was working himself over. His body, overtaken by arousal, kept squirming restlessly, grinding against the bedding that had been lying flat beneath him. The blanket shoved aside by his feet crumpled and drifted away like ripples on the sea.
“Ah, Hwichan……”
Haeshin finally abandoned all shame and moaned the name of the person in his fantasy out loud as his body shuddered.
It was the second time. More than the first, and thinner. The fluid that had spilled in streaks across his stomach rippled with every ragged breath he drew, beading and running down his skin.
What am I going to do.
When it was over, those three words were all that remained in his head.
Perhaps merfolk had a breeding season, unlike ordinary people. Or at the very least, a heat. If he had neither and was still this wound up — getting himself off like this — he felt like he’d have no shame left to speak of.
……No, it seemed he’d already thrown shame out entirely.
Why do you keep floating in front of my eyes like this — unpredictable, rough-edged, a little cruel. I can’t find a clear reason. Like a lighthouse beam through fog — I feel like I should be able to make it out, but it stays blurred.
Haeshin suddenly recalled the self-deprecating thing Hwichan had said to him.
— So what? You want two people hated by their own blood to bond over shared misery?
Am I mistaking that shared misery for something else?
Or did you just steal my heart — you, who threw yourself into the water for a stranger you’d never even met, out of fear I might die?
The second felt better. Because if it really was as simple as finding him beautiful — twice over — then there was something seriously wrong with his head and his conscience.
I don’t know why, even now, I keep seeing your face — the way it goes anxious every time I get into the water.
Haeshin pulled off his T-shirt and wiped the mess from his stomach. The sky that had been threatening to collapse all evening was now quietly pouring rain.
***
It had really rained heavily yesterday. The sound of it was so fierce it had woken him up.
Some houses got their power knocked out by all the lightning. And Haeshin’s house was among them.
He’d woken at one in the morning in a panic over everything in the refrigerator spoiling, but thankfully it came back on after a while.
Then, all of a sudden, he thought of Hwichan’s house.
While I’m at it, I should check on Hwichan’s place too.
He’d heard that Hwichan’s house was where his family used to live. It must have been Shin Gyeongcheol’s family home.
He had time to spare anyway. He thought he’d go over now, clean out the breaker box properly, and while he was at it, swap out anything else that might be broken besides the lights. He also wanted to ease some of the guilt over using that kid as material while getting himself off.
But when he looked at the clock it was already nearly two in the morning, so he couldn’t go — he just lay there suffering alone. He eventually fell asleep late. Hoping today would be sunny.
And so morning came, and the weather, true to his wish, wasn’t bad.
Haeshin, sleep-deprived from tossing and turning so late, barely managed to swallow a yawn. He’d been busy since morning trying to dig out the ladder he’d stored in the shed, and a familiar voice from behind him just barely managed to chase away his drowsiness.
“What are you doing? Not diving today?”
“Since when do you come to my place first?”
Hwichan was leaning against the doorway in slippers and pajamas. He could’ve come into the yard, but he had one foot propped on the gate with no apparent intention of stepping inside. Haeshin barely managed to ignore the heat trying to rise in his cheeks from the memory of the night before, and greeted him the same as always.
“Anyway, you must’ve slept really well. Hehe. Your face is all puffy.”
“Yours too, hyung. Poke it and it’d burst.”
He shot back cheekily, curled his index finger into his fist, and rapped it against the gate.
“So — it’s clear today, aren’t you going diving?”
“Yeah. I’m looking for the ladder so I can check your breaker box. I totally forgot yesterday because it was so cold.”
“Just give me the bulbs and fuses you bought. I’ll handle it myself.”
“Do you know how to deal with electrical stuff? Cleaning out the breaker box and replacing things is going to take time.”
“I know the basics. And I’m taller, so I’ll be faster than you.”
Then he spread his palm wide and held it flat below his own chin, swaying it side to side in a gesture that said: about this tall. Meaning Haeshin.
Sure, must be nice being tall. Haeshin stuck out his lower lip and grumbled internally, but didn’t say it out loud. Maybe it was the fact that he was built like a man — but watching someone who towered over him sneer about it stung his pride.
“Is that why you came? To check if I was diving and then make fun of my height?”
When Haeshin snapped back, Hwichan casually nudged a large shopping bag beside him with his foot. At the same moment, there came a “meow.”
“What was that just now?”
“A puppy.”
“Stop joking.”
“You already know what it is, so why are you asking.”
He opened the shopping bag carefully, rough but gentle at the same time.
Inside were rolls of clothing packed in tight like padding. Sitting at the center was a scruffy little calico cat. The border between its white and black fur was so blurred with grime it was hard to tell where one ended and the other began.
“It’s a cat?”
He answered plainly, and for some reason Hwichan’s brow furrowed with visible annoyance.
“It’s the one you pulled out of the water yesterday, hyung. You don’t recognize it?”
“Oh, that cat?”
The cat he’d picked up yesterday — he’d dried it off properly with a towel and left it at the cat shelter in the beachside alley where the island cats all gathered. It had been skittish at first, but before long it was purring and curling up comfortably against the other cats.
“Why did you bring it here?”
“It was outside my place this morning.”
“What?”
“It rained all night. It was practically a monsoon last night. It was cold or hungry or something — kept hovering around out front, so I brought it over.”
Oh no. That’s my fault.
Hwichan scooped the gray cat up by its sides and held it out to Haeshin. And so he came face to face with the fallout from the night he’d spent shamelessly calling Hwichan’s name.
“Is it — is it hurt?”
“It’s not hurt. But you fished it out, so you’re responsible for it.”
“I don’t know how to take care of animals!”
“Who said anything about keeping it? You’re the one who brought it onto the island, so you should help it adjust. It’s lost and confused — isn’t that why it was wandering around in front of a complete stranger’s house?”
Was being sarcastic just a habit for him. His words crackled like static electricity — and they felt less like a jab about the cat and more like an interrogation. About Hwichan’s own situation. He seemed to feel some parallel between his own circumstances — dragged onto this island against his will — and this cat’s.
The island’s wild and stray cats were fed well by the local women, so they roamed freely everywhere as if the whole place belonged to them. That was why it hadn’t occurred to him to take in a stray. But looking more closely now, the cat seemed very young — and he wondered if he’d been too careless.
More than anything, he had a quiet sense that Hwichan, standing there in front of him cradling the cat with that blunt expression, wasn’t in a good place inside — and a creeping guilt stirred in him. Haeshin thought it over and slowly began to speak.
