There had been plenty of opportunities. It wasn’t just once or twice that Muyeon had received calls. He could have honestly said he was jealous, that it bothered him, that he shouldn’t take such calls. There had even been opportunities. Muyeon had even asked him to be jealous, as if demanding what should rightfully be received.
But Seungju avoided it. He now knew the reason he’d avoided it himself. It was the same reason as this afternoon, when he’d hated himself for not being honest in front of Muyeon. Heo Seungju doubted whether he had the right to ask Muyeon anything, to press him, to demand answers. Because he was an unsuitable person, an absurd match.
But if he had to face that fact, what should I do?
He filled that surging emotion with continuing anger. It wasn’t difficult because alcohol had filled him to the top of his head.
“And yet you monitor me constantly about who I’m drinking with, when and where I’m doing what…”
Seungju stopped talking and sighed. As if knowing what would come next, Muyeon’s pale face with lowered eyes under his bangs looked quite pitiful. Seungju knew how shameless a statement that face could make, yet he couldn’t help but feel sorry for him. At the same time, he hated him. So why, why on earth.
“…How can I trust you?”
“Seungju.”
“You really went too far.”
Muyeon reached out his hand. Because of that pathetic half-baked pity tormenting Seungju’s heart, Seungju left Muyeon alone.
Muyeon’s large hand grasped Seungju’s hand. The hand soaked with cold sweat and cold fingertips instead brought stability to Seungju. Right, at least I’m glad this is a big deal to you too.
“I treat you well, don’t I?”
“……”
“I can treat you even better from now on.”
It was true. Muyeon had treated Seungju well. Really with utmost devotion. Unlike the bad bastards in Seungju’s past. But if that topic came up, Seungju had something to say too. Seungju still recalled that wound that squeezed his heart and stopped his breath.
Seungju cleared his throat. Still, a scratchy voice came out.
“Do you remember what I said at first?”
“……”
“I said if you were sincere, there was no reason not to meet.”
Meeting you was a really difficult decision for me. And there was only one reason I could risk everything.
Seungju looked up at Muyeon. Strength entered his sweat-soaked hand. The feeling of testing another person wasn’t pleasant for Seungju either. But he had to ask. He was just afraid this question might be too late.
“Are you sincere?”
“Yes.”
Anyway, he sure knows how to answer. Seungju laughed a little. Perhaps if he’d hesitated even a little, if he hadn’t been shamelessly unlike Baek Muyeon, he would have been disappointed. So because he wasn’t disappointed in him, the next stage would begin.
“I’m not sure.”
“……”
“Whether you like me. Or whether you like yourself liking me.”
“……”
“Am I bad for wanting more than just being treated well?”
***
Until returning to Seoul, Seungju had been thinking one thing. As expected, office romance is fucking terrible.
Muyeon sent a message in the morning. Did you sleep well, your stomach must be upset so make sure to eat breakfast, something like that. The tone as if nothing had happened was annoying, but stupidly enough, seeing it almost made him feel a bit better. Anyway, the Baek Muyeon in that message was someone he knew.
While his roommates were washing up, Seungju held his phone for a long time debating whether to reply. He picked at the bean sprout soup served as hangover soup unusually and changed his mind. If it was something to forgive after sleeping one night, no, just a few hours, he wouldn’t have screamed and acted crazy like that yesterday.
In other words, it also meant it was too embarrassing for his feelings to be resolved. However, Seungju and Muyeon had to resolve things quickly, and they were in a relationship where they had no choice but to do so. If he went to work on Monday, he’d have to see his face immediately. There was a weekly meeting and an individual meeting on Tuesday too.
His heart was heavy. If he didn’t see him for about three days, his anger would cool and his mood would improve so his head would clear, and it seemed like if they talked after that something would work out, but that wasn’t possible.
Then after all, he had no choice but to take the method of quickly cooling his feelings and emptying his complicated head all at once.
The bus stopped in front of the company. Everyone gathered their luggage, gave brief greetings, and dispersed. Seungju walked slowly alone behind the people heading to the subway station or bus stop and made a call.
As expected, the other party answered the phone quickly.
“What are you doing, you bastard?”
– You call me after half a year and start with cursing? I’m home.
“Don’t you want to drink? Today or tomorrow.”
– Drink?
The man on the other end of the phone giggled.
– Yeah. Should we meet today? I don’t really like drinking on Sunday since I have to go to work on Monday.
Seungju’s network was no different from a river flowing with alcohol, and the people he met were always like those lurking in taverns at ferry crossings. However, since most of them were busy with their daily lives working at companies, there weren’t many people who wouldn’t refuse the temptation to drink right away. One of those few people was his college classmates.
Seungju had been in a college band. Originally college clubs were dens of drinking, but his classmates especially loved alcohol. Even now, there were things that came to mind first when Seungju recalled memories of the band club. Hot summer, underground practice room, the smell of alcohol that came out when opening the door.
It was a memory that made him automatically frown whenever he thought of it. Terrible. At the same time, he smiled a little. The other party was someone who’d spent several years of that terrible time together. Im Jiseong, who played drums in the liberal arts college band, started working around the same time as Seungju. Since his first job was also in Gangnam, the two met often even after graduating college.
Seungju moved his feet even more slowly while watching company people standing at the bus stop disappear one by one as they got on buses.
“Yeah. Should we call Kim Mina too?”
– She’ll probably say yes, right? Why don’t you call and see?
“Okay, you try. Where should we meet?”
– I don’t know. Start a group chat.
“Got it.”
After hanging up, Seungju turned around for no reason. He looked briefly at the cars moving away past him.
Muyeon would probably return in his own car. By now, he’d long since pulled his car out of the underground parking lot and headed to his home on the opposite side from the bus stop.
The sun approaching summer shone down on the quiet office district on the weekend. The sense of alienation different from the scenery he saw while commuting every day stimulated negative thoughts that came when left alone. Like thoughts about each other who could only move away in opposite directions.
Without realizing it, a sigh flowed from his mouth. Walking slowly was probably on purpose. Because of the heart hoping someone would come grab him first even after everyone had disappeared.
But that didn’t happen. His own state was ridiculous. After some cynicism and resignation, Seungju felt sadness.
It was this easy to feel him like a stranger. It had been that way from the beginning. As if all their innate differences weren’t enough, he created a sense of incongruity and drew lines for distance.
There, instinctively, Seungju stopped thinking. As always, rather than thinking deeply, he came up with the convenient method of forgetting everything with alcohol.
***
The main topic only came out when they went to the second round. After eating meat with his college band club classmates for the first round, Seungju was sitting in a bar they used to frequent. It was a bar they’d brazenly gone to every week, no, every day because it played requested songs. The tradition of having the second round here continued, and after the shop expanded and relocated, he heard that band club juniors from some years below had performed quite a bit at this bar.
Kim Mina, who pulled out the tattered lemon peel from her vodka tonic, said,
“So, what’s the reason for suddenly making plans?”
“I don’t know, Heo Seungju suddenly asked to meet.”
“Really? Isn’t your love business going well?”
Seungju’s eyes widened. He was slightly surprised. As if she knew from Seungju’s expression, Mina burst into laughter.
There was nothing special about the reason Seungju deliberately met his college classmates. The two were among the very few people who knew Seungju was gay. When he first came out, Mina showed a super cool reaction, but Jiseong didn’t. He was uncomfortable being alone with him for a while. Only when a performance was right around the corner and it got to the point where he couldn’t go to the practice room did Seungju settle it by soaking him in alcohol from his toes to the top of his head.
It was an episode that had only now become a memory. No. Still, how fortunate was it to have someone who could listen to his worries on a day like this?
He briefly summarized what had happened from when he met Muyeon until now. Seungju didn’t recite one by one the things Baek Muyeon said when he was seducing him. Because it was embarrassing. Instead, he did say that the other party was the son of a company president with a lot of money, no, not just a lot but way too much. He also honestly confessed that it was roughly guessable that the guy had met tons of people extensively.
When the story of strange calls coming in the middle of the night and the obsession interfering with Seungju’s drinking sessions came up, Kim Mina told him to break up about five times. When hearing about the incident of being confessed to by someone else at a company dinner, Im Jiseong pointed his finger at Seungju.
However, when they reached the story of Muyeon’s past that hadn’t been revealed to Seungju and employees passing around the director’s Instagram, the two began laughing like crazy. Seungju grumbled while pouring vodka into his glass.
“Don’t laugh, you bastards.”
“No, it’s too funny. He’s trash but funny trash. The reason he told you not to drink is probably all because he has his own history. So what did you decide to do?”
“I asked for some time to think.”
Ah, I see. As Mina responded, Jiseong, who had put down his glass, chimed in.
“Yeah, good job. Hey, but that guy is really a difficult bastard too.”
Regrettably, Seungju agreed with those words in his heart. Mina leaned her body forward.
“Seungju.”
“Yeah.”
“I know it’s obvious, but is he handsome?”
“…Yeah.”
Mina held out her hand. Photo.
