It was when Seungju thought the silence was getting strangely long. Dawon said,
“Team Leader is really always drinking too.”
“It just happened…”
“What do you mean ‘it just happened’? You drink because you like it.”
“I have nothing to say to that.”
“Doesn’t your girlfriend dislike it?”
“Huh?”
Seungju looked up at Dawon. He remembered the drinking session with her last week. The day he became a mess after being subjected to a terrible interrogation about his girlfriend.
Seungju awkwardly ran his hand through his hair. Not a girlfriend, but…
“He dislikes it, yeah.”
“Your girlfriend doesn’t drink?”
“He does drink, but…”
“Well, Team Leader does drink quite a lot.”
“Again, I have nothing to say.”
“That’s why you should meet a woman who’ll drink with you.”
And then silence came again. Seungju was drunk but not an idiot. Slowly, he understood what he’d just heard. So that was a confession.
What came to him first was dismay. What followed was guilt.
Not an idiot—no, he is an idiot. Ah, how many wrongs had he committed by not knowing this until now? How much had he drunk with Park Dawon all this time?
The next thought that came was why, of all things. Why do you like someone like me? Why? Of all people.
Seungju slowly lowered his head. Dawon broke the silence by biting her ice cream stick.
“Forget it.”
“……”
“I was thinking it might be okay to go back to the Planning Division if I could join your team, Team Leader.”
“……”
Those were grateful words. But at a time like this, no answer seemed appropriate.
“Actually, it’s better this way. Does office romance even make sense? What if we break up later?”
From someone doing that very thing that didn’t make sense, he felt sorry, shameful, and even guilty.
“…I don’t want things to be awkward. Let’s just pretend nothing happened. Neither of us will remember this properly tomorrow anyway…”
Dawon started rambling. She was definitely drunk. Seungju stood up from his seat. He stood and looked down at her.
“I’m sorry.”
Dawon couldn’t meet his eyes. With her head lowered, she mumbled.
“…It’s okay.”
“I’ll pretend I didn’t hear anything.”
“Yeah…”
“Let’s forget everything. Hurry… go inside and rest.”
After a long while, Dawon nodded. I’ll go, she left a brief greeting and stepped out of the building. Seungju also drooped his shoulders just as she had done. A sigh came out naturally.
That’s when someone’s voice pierced Seungju’s ears.
“Interesting.”
It was the voice of the person Seungju least expected at this moment. He flinched without realizing it and looked at the person who revealed themselves.
Baek Muyeon was standing at the building entrance. He was leaning against the wall with his arms crossed. Seungju’s heart froze again. At the same time, the feeling of his insides sticking to the ground like he was on a ride was truly something he would never get used to.
His earlier thought was wrong. This scene right now was the moment Seungju fucked up his night.
Seungju couldn’t even think of approaching Muyeon and opened his mouth standing in place.
“When… no… how long have you been there?”
“From the beginning.”
“What?”
“I bought her that ice cream and drink.”
As he said that, Muyeon held up the e-cigarette he was holding. Even with Seungju’s drunk brain, he could picture the situation. Muyeon and Dawon were on the same team. When they said the first round was ending, they probably came out together and stopped by a convenience store. He must have been at the building entrance waiting for other team members, and while Muyeon disappeared to smoke, he himself came out the back door.
Seungju let out a deep sigh pulled up from his stomach.
Park Dawon, you bastard, you were really fucking drunk.
It was obvious from how she just blurted it out without even checking whether her team leader had gone home or not. Today added more evidence to the claim that alcohol is purely harmful. Seungju raised both hands to press and rub his eyes. Watching that, Muyeon opened his mouth.
“Let me ask you one thing first.”
“Yes…”
“Did you really not know Park Dawon liked you?”
“……”
Of course he didn’t know. The reason was simple. Because of Seungju’s innate sexual orientation, keenly noticing the opposite sex’s affection was impossible in his world. He’d never once thought of Dawon that way. Because it was something that had no possibility of happening, he hadn’t even imagined it. Seungju only now realized that was a naively mistaken assumption. Anyway, there’s nothing impossible at this company.
The reason he casually created drinking sessions with female employees and built personal friendships was because they were comfortable. But honestly, it was even better if that hid the fact that he was gay. It was a misstep created by lowly and petty calculations.
But… that question is somehow strange. Seungju answered while watching for his reaction.
“No, I didn’t know. By any chance…”
“You didn’t know? By any chance what?”
“Did you know, Muyeon?”
Muyeon snorted. Seungju realized what his look meant after a brief moment. Muyeon was wearing an expression that said he was pathetic.
Ah, fuck… Even Baek Muyeon knew but only I didn’t?
Seungju dry-washed his face again. He remembered Muyeon’s behavior of caring about whoever from the company Seungju met, like someone with an obsession disorder. He’d thought it was petty, but for him it would have been reasonable suspicion.
Into Seungju’s mind with his face buried in his hands, scenes that he hadn’t paid attention to and had passed by until now finally came to mind one by one. What came to mind first were the countless Quitters Club nights they’d had together. Her perfect attendance following along whenever Heo Seungju said he was participating. He also remembered the very happy expression when she saw the desserts and coffee he’d bought her to help sort out a proposal. The persistent questions about his new lover at drinking sessions too.
Seungju sighed again.
Right, it’s all my fault.
“Heo Seungju.”
Why are you calling me with my surname, making me nervous…
“Yes…”
“I said I’d watch how you drink today.”
“……”
“Where the hell did my words go…”
His words were harsh. Whether Muyeon hadn’t intended it, he cut his words short. He let out a short sigh and continued.
“Drinking your fill among young female employees.”
There was an error in those words. He was forced to drink. However, because he couldn’t deny the most important fact that he was among young female employees, he couldn’t answer. Muyeon continued.
“And you got confessed to by none other than our team employee.”
“……”
“And she hasn’t had drinks with you just once or twice.”
“……”
As he’d thought two days ago, Baek Muyeon’s easy-to-understand explanations were effective at making people shrivel up. Seungju listened to Muyeon’s words with hunched shoulders like a sinner.
“On top of that, if you add in your habit of clinging to people when you drink…”
“Muyeon… that’s really not it.”
“Doesn’t that explain why Park Dawon came to have those feelings for you?”
You mean I was leading her on? This is slander. He swore he never did that with Park Dawon. Seungju felt wronged. When Seungju was about to open his mouth, Muyeon struck first.
“Now, can I get angry now?”
Muyeon’s voice was cheerful and his expression satisfied. He’d bet Muyeon wasn’t angry right now. Seungju clearly saw just two days ago Muyeon spewing maddening bullshit about how his anger had reached the top of his head.
Muyeon actually looked pleased. And though he couldn’t be certain, Seungju thought he knew why Muyeon was excited. The leisure unique to someone who’d seized control was the evidence.
Seungju dropped his head with a thud as if he’d given up. He said quietly,
“…I’m sorry.”
“If you were someone else, I probably would have said it was fine.”
“……”
“But you’re my lover.”
Anyway, he sure knows how to talk…
“Then do what you’re good at to make me feel better.”
“…What am I good at?”
Muyeon didn’t say it in words. Instead, he moved his hand with that now-familiar, indescribably cocky attitude.
At that shamelessly brazen and obscene lewd gesture, Seungju’s mouth fell open. He felt shame. Suddenly a forgotten memory struck his head like lightning. That is, the exchange of putting his body on one side of the scale. That drunken night when he’d used it as a means to smooth over Baek Muyeon’s anger. Seungju realized once again just how much of an idiot he could become when he drank. He felt dizzy.
Ah, fuck…
I dug my own grave.
***
Over the past two weeks, Seungju’s daily life slowly changed.
The turning point of change was the night of the company dinner two weeks ago. That dawn, Seungju laid his head splitting from a hangover and his stiff lower back on the bed and shed tears of repentance in his heart. Naturally, the weekend liquor expo date and the tickets he’d applied for in advance flew away just like that. Muyeon told him not to even dream of alcohol for the time being and shut up Seungju’s regretful mouth.
Three days later, Seungju collapsed without the strength to move even a finger and said to Muyeon while shedding bloody tears from his heart.
‘Isn’t this enough now?’
‘What is?’
‘This shit…’
Muyeon snorted.
‘You need something to do at night so you won’t think about running around drinking, right?’
Seungju buried his face in the pillow and genuinely cursed Hyeondo. Communication through the body, to whisper such bullshit with such a persuasive face. No. Hyeondo might have been right. Under the premise that his condition wasn’t a human like Baek Muyeon who knew no satisfaction and had no mercy. But Seungju’s partner was precisely that Baek Muyeon. So the stupidest one would be himself for actually putting that into practice while drunk.
