“Dating?”
“Yes.”
The elevator door leading down to the parking lot opened. However, neither Seungju nor Muyeon stepped out. Despite Muyeon’s confident answer, Seungju somehow felt that it wasn’t his turn to respond.
Muyeon tilted his head. Then he stretched out his long legs and stepped out of the elevator. Seungju followed after him. But Muyeon stopped abruptly. He turned around and looked down at Seungju. Just as Seungju expected, Muyeon opened his mouth.
“We’re not dating?”
“Not yet.”
Thud—the elevator door closed. Dissatisfaction flashed through Muyeon’s eyes. It could be a trace of wounded pride. A very faint sign, but something that someone might call hurt.
“Then let’s start now.”
“……”
Seungju didn’t answer. During his silence, Muyeon’s face sank into expressionlessness. When there’s no expression, he’s cold enough to send shivers down one’s spine. His heart started racing on its own. Whether it was fear, tension, or excitement—who could say. Nevertheless, the words Muyeon wanted didn’t come out of his mouth.
At first, he’d liked him just for his face, but still, this was a one-sided crush he’d been dragging out for months. They’d met alone several times, growing closer along the textbook route toward dating. At this moment when things had come to fruition in an ideal scenario with no alternatives, what was he even thinking about?
When he ran his hand over the relationship between them, several prickly thorns caught on his fingers. Nevertheless, because of an attraction he absolutely couldn’t refuse, he’d pretended not to know that stopping was an option. Was this current hesitation the price for that? He should have stopped when he felt things catching on his hand—he’d done something he couldn’t take responsibility for.
However, Seungju vaguely sensed that the real cause of his hesitation lay elsewhere. What flashed through his mind was that night when he’d directly heard that Muyeon was interested in him. He was such a mess from drinking that he couldn’t even remember everything that happened that night, yet strangely, that particular moment remained in Seungju’s heart. The feeling of not being happy when he heard those words was exactly the same as what he felt now, denying Muyeon’s word “dating.”
Perhaps because he was more sober than back then, Seungju’s reason quickly found the answer. The reason why he’d tried to think of obviously straightforward affection as something for a subordinate and denied it, and why he was once again refusing a clear label for their relationship that seemed unavoidable now.
He was afraid. Of expecting, trying, and pouring his whole heart into something. While attending this damn company, Seungju had learned all too well how coldly such efforts could be betrayed, how futile expectations could be. If that’s how it was with a company built on systems, what about relationships with people full of variables?
So it was all his own fault. That he didn’t have the courage to take that final step through the door even after coming this far—that was also his own fault.
“Give me some time to think.”
“Think about what.”
When did I become such a calculating, selfish person? Seungju let out a breath like a sigh and smiled slightly. It was a bitter lamentation.
“I want to think about whether we should date.”
“Do you like me?”
This man really has a talent for immediately stabbing right at the heart of the matter.
“Yes.”
As he answered, he inevitably got goosebumps. Because it was sincere.
“It’s sadder… than if you were saying you’re hesitating because you don’t like me.”
“……”
Muyeon sighed.
“Fine, I understand.”
They started walking again. As Muyeon took out his car keys, he added:
“I also understand now what you meant about not being all that nice.”
***
On his way back after dropping Heo Seungju off at the company, Baek Muyeon thought about the concept of patience. Along with respect for himself for not saying “What kind of bullshit is that?” when he heard something so absurd.
You like me but you’ll think about whether to date?
To Muyeon’s mind, that was logic that couldn’t exist in this world. If you like someone, you date them, and if you date, you’re together. There’s nothing complicated about it. Even thinking about it again, it’s ridiculous.
The feeling of ridiculousness momentarily stirred up irritation. Once his mood was scratched, he wanted to turn the car around, drag out the foolish Heo Seungju who had declined dinner with him and chosen to shut himself back in the office at this hour. And he felt the impulse to shake him down until he heard exactly what “I like you but I’ll think about it” meant.
Since the U-turn signal came on for the adjacent lane just then, Muyeon really almost half did it. If he actually had, he would’ve gotten honks and curses from the cars in the next lane, but naturally Muyeon wouldn’t have cared about such things.
Instead, Muyeon tapped the steering wheel with his fingers until the signal ended. As he did, he thought once more about the concept of patience. He also considered the fact that this wasn’t the first time he’d felt this in front of Heo Seungju. For example, there had been a similar incident around this time last week.
Back then too, Heo Seungju had gone on about “I’ll think about it” when asked to meet on the weekend. Ah, that was ridiculous too. Muyeon thought there was nothing wrong at all with how he’d approached Heo Seungju. It was a method already verified many times through countless previous experiences. But “I’ll think about it”—that wasn’t the answer Muyeon had expected. Someone who doesn’t get pulled in as much as you pull them is annoying.
Looking at it carefully, even saying “I’ll think about it” is funny. If you don’t like someone, you just don’t. Based on his many previous experiences, Muyeon knew all too well how laughable such childish push and pull was. So accepting that “I’ll think about it” at face value wasn’t particularly because he was being patient with it. He just figured the guy didn’t like him.
What Muyeon held back was ultimately Heo Seungju’s face pulling him in with alcohol as an excuse. If he’d followed his impulse, or followed Seungju’s lead to that second round that night, the story probably would’ve ended already. With a conclusion in bed.
However, Muyeon didn’t do that. In that moment, he’d thought it would be a waste to let his relationship with Seungju remain in the realm of something consumable and impulsive, just once. So rejecting Seungju there was an almost instinctive choice for a next step on a different dimension. The patience he’d shown this time followed the same logic.
Also, Muyeon thought about how Seungju would react when they reached the conclusion of a one-time relationship like his many previous experiences. He was sensitive and valued maintaining boundaries. And he was quick to catch on. What would happen if he got dizzy from the easily accelerated pace of their relationship development, then suddenly noticed that Baek Muyeon had no qualms about seducing anyone he found attractive and toppling them into bed without discrimination?
He might widen his eyes and tremble, then let out a deep sigh and give up. The deep sigh part didn’t matter—no, he actually kind of wanted to see the trembling—but the giving up part wasn’t particularly welcome.
That thought provided Muyeon with a certain clue. The phone call that had come at such good timing yesterday when he was buying sushi for Seungju.
Could it be that Seungju said he’d “think about it” because of that?
More irritation piled on top of the unresolved irritation from earlier. Muyeon rolled some curses around in his mouth. They were curses not only for the person who’d called at that particular moment, but also for himself for having these thoughts.
Muyeon had never been considerate of others’ reactions in any relationship. If he was going to do that shit, he’d rather not meet them at all—how pathetic. There were plenty of people who liked Muyeon anyway. For a moment he heard his cousin’s voice in his head laughing and saying “narcissist,” but naturally Muyeon didn’t care at all. It was true, and it wasn’t a bad thing at all.
Having arrived home before he knew it, he parked the car and took out a cigarette. When he thought that reaching for a cigarette over annoying thoughts was itself pathetic, he suddenly lost his taste for it. He carelessly tossed the cigarette onto the passenger seat, closed the door, and pressed the elevator button.
However, enduring and bearing stress was also one of the things Muyeon had never done. So he soon converted his irritation into competitive spirit.
He says he likes me but he’ll think about it—I’m only being swayed because I heard such ridiculous words. I’ll shake him down until I hear him say he likes me if he does.
Though of course I can’t actually shake him down. Because Heo Seungju is sensitive and touchy about maintaining boundaries. And because he’s just as desperate for Baek Muyeon’s feigned sweetness. To make the traveler take off his coat, it’s the sun, not the wind, after all.
Facing the mirror in the elevator, Muyeon crossed his arms. He’d definitely never made such an unpleasant expression in front of Seungju. Muyeon knew well that he was unpleasant. He didn’t deny it either. You just see facts as they are for what they are. There’s nothing complicated about it.
Muyeon naturally recalled Seungju’s face delighting in the socially ceremonial mask he wore while holding back his true nature, and the ticklish expressions of affection and words he’d said while wearing that mask.
If he does what he feels like doing—going along with Seungju’s rhythm—would that count as winning or losing?
