The effort to become even greater continued to increase. With an outstanding mind and even adding effort to it, there was nothing I couldn’t obtain. Things other children found difficult, I understood and applied quickly with just a few hours of effort.
“Carl, starting tomorrow, you’ll be taking on more difficult lessons. That’s fine, right?”
Even the martial arts teacher famous for his strictness harbored a spring breeze-like gentleness toward me. Soon, I became his favorite student. There were jealous glances, but they were easier to handle than the arbitrary people of the streets and brothels.
In times when I had no one’s protection, my pretty appearance was poison, but when the current situation arrived, it shone brightly. A child with outstanding abilities and a pretty face. Even with a kind personality on top of that, I was the subject of attention.
However, despite all that, the Guild Master-nim didn’t pay attention to me.
“Is Rose-nim not coming today either?”
The Guild Master-nim always left her seat empty. Was she truly busy? Or did she have no time to spare for a guy like me? I still don’t know the reason even now. But what was certain was that to my young self, the Guild Master-nim’s actions came across as my own inadequacy.
Work harder. Produce better results. Become a better child. Become a better person. Repay the kindness.
It was ridiculous. If it had been a guild member who spoke kindly to me, would they have said it differently? The important thing was that the one who answered my desperate 7-year-old self was a spiteful man. He knew well about me searching for the Guild Master-nim. His eyes rippled full of annoyance and malice.
“The Guild Master-nim is too busy to meet a guy like you.”
“B-but… Please tell Rose-nim. Carl—”
Before I could add anything more, he unpleasantly tapped my forehead and spouted off.
“Who said you could carelessly call the Guild Master-nim’s name in the first place?”
Now I know that man was a petty and useless person who felt inferior to a child younger than himself, but back then, his indifferent words felt like the world was collapsing. Because it seemed like all the effort I’d put in for years to meet the Guild Master-nim and live up to her expectations was turning into an illusion.
“Call her Guild Master-nim properly.”
The man looked down at me with contemptuous eyes and swept past. He didn’t forget to mutter loudly as if I should hear.
“Does the Guild Master-nim think this is some kind of poorhouse?”
“……”
“That rat bastard acting like he’s something is running wild.”
I felt like I’d been hit on the back of the head. I didn’t know at the time that this was the realization of a long one-sided love.
Only after realizing that hope had covered my eyes and made me blind did I realize what a ridiculous figure I’d been. No matter how busy she was, in the fact that she hadn’t met with me even once in two years, the Guild Master-nim’s intentions had been sufficiently conveyed.
It was just that I, a young child for whom such kindness was a first, was too intoxicated by that sweetness to notice.
Perhaps because the tension had released, I suffered from fever for several days. Was it the backlash from a life of running ceaselessly until now? Or was it growing pains? Only after suffering severely could I pull myself together again.
At that time, a rumor circulated among the children the Guild Master-nim had brought in. That we were candidates for the next Guild Master. That thing the Guild Master-nim had never once mentioned was false hope planted among the children by the guild members. But it opened my eyes.
Right. If I become the successor, the Guild Master-nim will look at me too.
It was an absurd thought. But at that time, I had confidence. There were guys older than me, but in my eyes, they were all just ordinary. Though I was only 7 years old, I was confident I could do better than anyone.
But then, that guy entered the guild. Jack. The appearance of useless Jack, who didn’t even have a surname.
* * *
“You… are you okay after getting scolded earlier?”
Recruiting newly entered newcomers was important. The more of them I recruited, the more I could reduce future competitors.
The more they knew nothing, the easier they were to tame, and the best timing was when they first entered the guild. Because it was an unstable state in an unfamiliar environment. The best time to imprint according to my intentions. Von, who has shown loyalty to me until now, was also a guy I worked on when he first entered the guild.
The new recruit, Jack, was a stupid guy. During lessons too, he was always lost in daydreams and constantly got scolded by the teacher, and his body was so clumsy that the swordsmanship teacher told him never to come again.
A dunce among dunces, the likes of which the guild had never seen. If I had been like that, I might have committed suicide by sticking my nose in water out of my own incompetence. But he was always happily grinning away, and I couldn’t understand such a guy.
He hasn’t produced any results, so why does he look so happy?
“…Hm?”
His eyes scrutinized me thoroughly. It was an unpleasant gaze that seemed to dig into my skin. He seemed like a stupid, worthless stone with no future prospects, but at times like this, he seemed to have some hidden scheme.
But I couldn’t ruin things because of an inexplicable discomfort. I smiled brightly and spoke kindly to Jack.
“Let’s go play. There are other kids over there. They’re curious about you.”
Most of the children who came here by the Guild Master-nim’s hand had no family and were starved for affection. So usually when I said this, most of them would be led along pretending they couldn’t resist. While adults would be targets of caution, they were less wary of fellow children. Because they thought of them as comrades dragged to this place.
“Mm… I don’t want to though.”
At Jack’s unexpected words, I stared at him blankly. Two years since coming to the guild. Recently, there were no children who refused me, so this situation was unfamiliar. But I soon arranged my expression and asked Jack.
“Why?”
“I’m going to read this.”
What Jack pulled out was a fairy tale book. A fairy tale book given as homework while teaching reading and writing. Jack was holding that book, which children found annoying to read, as preciously as if it were gold and silver treasures.
“Come on, why would you read something so childish?”
I too had a time when I read that fairy tale book until it wore out. As it was the first book I read after learning to write, I read it until it was worn and thin. Because that act seemed to raise my value. I spoke boastfully as if embarrassed by that past. Thinking about it now, I was really young too.
“I like this.”
Jack turned his head sharply and buried his nose in the fairy tale book. I felt bad as if I’d been ignored, but I swallowed my anger.
“What’s so good about such an old fairy tale? It’s better to play with other kids. There are so many things more fun than this.”
“Fun things?”
At that moment, Jack’s eyes lit up. Those eyes like a madman’s were like facing the source of the chills I felt toward him.
“Do you have other fun books?”
I stepped back without realizing it. I got angry at my action of retreating as if I’d eaten fear. But I couldn’t get angry at a guy who did nothing. Since I’d worked hard to manage my image until now, they wouldn’t curse at me, but someone would definitely look at me strangely.
“Yeah. There are lots of other books over there too.”
Until then, yes, I felt something strange about Jack, but that didn’t mean I had any ill feelings. I couldn’t understand his fundamentals, but he was still just a worthless stone.
As time passed, the interest I felt in Jack decreased. I thought I’d finished my duty by looking back at him and taking care of him once in a while. For several years, my daily life didn’t change like that. Effort. Effort. And more effort. But…
“Here, pocket money.”
“Wow! Thank you.”
“Yeah. Don’t just read books all the time, buy some other things too.”
The Guild Master-nim was there. That person I hadn’t met in a private setting in years.
She was giving Jack, that useless guy, a pouch of pocket money and smiling benevolently. Even though I had so desperately wanted it, that guy was receiving without a care the affection I had never once obtained.
“But I like books.”
“Geez. You’re such a bookworm.”
The Guild Master-nim stroking Jack’s head with an affectionate hand looked so friendly. Like a noona next door. The form of relationship I’d always wished for was right before my eyes. I felt like the ground beneath my feet was collapsing.
When I came to my senses, I was sitting blankly in my room. My five senses were cut off by despair, and it was ambiguous whether I was alive or dead.
What on earth have I been living for?
After coming to the guild, I truly lived diligently. For the Guild Master-nim’s recognition. To properly prove my usefulness. But even though Jack made no such effort, the Guild Master-nim cherished him. She even gave that useless guy pocket money.
I felt like everything I’d done had fallen into a trash can. At the sight of him holding in his hand what I wanted most without doing anything, even hatred boiled up.
If someone saw me, they would definitely think it was funny. They’d think it was a fight between kids who were only 10 years old.
But, no matter how young a guy was, I too wasn’t without such emotions. My hatred was genuine and was burning fiercely through my body. At that moment, my gaze turned to the mirror on the desk. My green eyes reflected in the mirror were bloodshot enough to look red.
From then on, I observed Jack closely. Even while doing my work, I observed Jack’s daily routine and thought about how I could deal him the greatest blow.
There’s probably no one in this guild who knows Jack as well as I do. He was clumsy with everything and often got lost.
On one hand, he blended into his surroundings better than expected under the identity of Jay. For something I thought was worthless, he wasn’t without ability. He was better at acting than expected, and his affinity for blending in with those around him wasn’t bad either.
But how great is that? There were many people in the information guild with such abilities. To obtain others’ information, one needed at least that much affinity. He was still a useless person with no great value to me.
