How could he not know his love? From 10 years ago until now, he always looked at him with the same eyes. Good, upright, and honest Chaeho watched everything he went through from the side and held his hand to comfort him whenever he was having a hard time. So there was a time when he wavered toward Chaeho, but Soohyun was lacking and ashamed to lean on a young younger brother.
“Really not me? Is that it? Me.”
“Chaeho. Chaeho. It’s not like that.”
He should explain well that it wasn’t that Chaeho wasn’t acceptable but that he himself wasn’t acceptable. What should he say to him crying sorrowfully? Soohyun pitifully stroked his wet cheek.
“Chaeho. It’s because I’ve received too much from you. You know well too that I could endure all this time because of you.”
“Hyung, me too. Because you were there. So everything.”
The studying he didn’t want to do, even taking a break from school to enter his father’s company and learn work that didn’t suit him—it was all for hyung. Because he wanted to stand before him as a man someday and confess his love splendidly and say let’s be together for life.
But Chaeho couldn’t say a single word of these feelings and just shed tears. He was afraid that he’d given his heart to Choi Seojun instead of himself. So he felt sorry for being rough even though he knew he was sick. But the words “I’m sorry” didn’t come out.
“Chaeho. I’m… trying to stand up again on my own. You know that, right?”
“I know. I know too well.”
Because he knows what kind of time he’s spent. So he wanted to protect him and make sure only things to smile about happened from now on, but why won’t he hold his hand? Chaeho couldn’t understand Soohyun at all.
“I’ve received too much hospitality from your parents.”
“Hyung. Suddenly what is that.”
“I don’t even have a proper job and barely graduated high school, and besides, I… I can’t even get pregnant.”
“Hyung!”
Soohyun decided to reveal his hidden feelings. He had to tell him why he couldn’t accept him, why you in particular couldn’t work even if others didn’t know. He couldn’t live leaning on this good and upright child anymore. For truly standing alone, he had to let go of his hand.
“I like President Kim. I like your mother too, Chaeho. If it weren’t for the two of them, it would have been hard to endure after that incident.”
“Soohyun hyung, my parents like you!”
“I know the two of them took care of me like family and were really considerate. That’s how I could get this house too. They helped me so I could work from home.”
“Right. Even now they ask about you….”
“…They don’t like me as your partner, Chaeho.”
Chaeho’s eyes widened. Soohyun’s expression felt neither sad nor painful, just calm. He became anxious because he had a face as if everything was settled. He thought he’d soon be able to hold his hand, but was it all a delusion?
“No way, did Dad, or did Mom say something to you?! Is that it?”
“No. Chaeho, that can’t be.”
Soohyun shook his head. Because it really wasn’t. Rather, they were grateful people who helped him come out into the world. They took in Soohyun who didn’t know where to go after leaving the facility without any compensation, and even grateful people who treated and embraced the wounded Soohyun. Though blood wasn’t connected, to Soohyun, Chaeho and his parents were no different from family.
“Then suddenly, suddenly why are you talking like this! You never once to me…!”
“Because I’ve always thought about it. You’re my younger brother.”
“Hyung… am I like a younger brother!”
“I want you to live normally. Love a normal person, get married and have a pretty baby too. Then I’ll buy clothes for your baby. Buy shoes and stuff like that….”
“Hyung!”
“I imagined things like that. I hope for that, and you should, Chaeho.”
Soohyun’s voice was firm. He didn’t want to become a needless worry to people he’d already received so much hospitality from. At least he shouldn’t hear that he repaid kindness with enmity. Soohyun wasn’t shameless enough to hold onto Chaeho’s ankles when his future was bright.
“You’re serious?”
“Yes, I’m serious.”
Various emotions appeared on Chaeho’s face. Though he didn’t know what he was thinking now, Soohyun could at least know one thing.
We can never go back to before.
“I’m leaving. Hyung.”
Soohyun, who had been following Chaeho’s back, stood still in that spot. When their eyes met with Chaeho who was scratched and hurt by his words, he couldn’t follow anymore.
“It hurts. It hurts, hyung. Of all the pain I’ve felt while living until now, this is the hardest.”
“Chaeho.”
“I want to say coolly that I’ll never come again. But I’m not mature enough for that yet. 10 years. I’ve only looked at you for 10 years, hyung.”
It was Chaeho who had watched all of Soohyun’s happiness and his misfortune. So Chaeho was convinced that the only person who should be by Soohyun’s side was himself. And even now that thought remained the same.
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Chaeho.”
“Don’t say you’re sorry. Don’t deny my love too, hyung. Because it’s too miserable.”
Chaeho left the house just like that, and Soohyun watched Chaeho’s figure disappearing around the building corner until the end. He heard the thud- thud- sound as he stepped down the metal stairs. For the first time since getting to know him, he felt distant.
* * *
“It’s raining.”
Soohyun opened his eyes feeling the faintly perceived sound of rain and humid smell. He stretched his arm to pick up his phone. 6:30 AM. Though it was a bit earlier than usual, even lying down didn’t seem like more sleep would come, so he started up his stiff body.
“Chaeho….”
What came to mind as soon as he opened his eyes was Chaeho. The hurt child’s face flickered before his eyes. He didn’t even remember when or how he’d barely fallen asleep. Choi Seojun and Kim Chaeho. His head throbbed from relationships that had gotten tangled up on their own regardless of his will as soon as he went out into the world.
Patter- patter- patter-.
Quite thick raindrops knocked on the window. It was a sound he used to really like before, but Soohyun no longer liked rain. Rather, he hated rain. After washing his face with cold water, he sat absentmindedly fiddling with his phone.
“……”
Since he woke up early, he decided to raid the refrigerator to make side dishes and pack a lunchbox. Though his head was dazed from not resting properly, moving was better than staying still. If he did nothing, the monster called ‘depression’ would visit and silently crush Soohyun.
“Soohyun-ssi, are you inside?”
While taking out and trimming potatoes, onions, carrots and such from the refrigerator, he heard a familiar voice from outside. For 5 years now, it was the voice of the grateful landlady who had let Soohyun stay here without raising the rent even once.
“Yes, just a moment.”
Wiping the dirt on his hands, Soohyun opened the door. It was just a little past 7 AM, but what brought the landlady at this time? Looking at her face that seemed somehow anxious, Soohyun ran his tongue over his dry lips.
“What brings you here? So early….”
“Um, Soohyun-ssi. Well, I have something to say. It was too hard to meet you, so I came in the morning. I’m sorry.”
“No. It’s fine. But what matter…?”
She hesitated for a long time, then as if about to start a very difficult story, clasped both hands and looked at Soohyun’s face and inside the house. Looking at Soohyun’s household items that were no different from 5 years ago—that is, with no trace of improvement at all—she sighed and opened her mouth with difficulty.
“Well… Soohyun-ssi. This building is old. As you know.”
“Huh? Yes… that’s right.”
“I didn’t know either…. They say we can’t have a room here.”
“Yes…?”
Somehow he had a bad feeling. The building where the rooftop room was located was a very old building built well over 30 years ago, with shops on the 1st floor, a restaurant run by the owner couple on the 2nd floor, and the owner couple living on the 3rd floor.
“It was built so long ago that I wasn’t paying attention. But the district office keeps coming…. Telling us to demolish it.”
“Demolish?”
Demolish—Soohyun’s face clouded. He could easily guess why she had visited him at such an early time.
“I thought we could just build it all. This kind of thing is common around here. But some wind blew and they’re cracking down very extensively…. We’re in a difficult situation too.”
As expected. In the middle of Seoul, even though it was a rooftop room, there were almost no houses available with cheap deposit and low rent. This house was one he’d obtained with difficulty thanks to Chaeho’s parents’ help. From this place that had embraced him for 5 years, old but warm—now he had to leave. Soohyun nodded without saying anything.
“Yes. I understood well. Since I’ve lived here for 5 years…, I was very grateful all this time. Then… when should I leave?”
“Well….”
Soohyun’s head became complicated. The 5 million won deposit was practically his entire fortune. Where and how should he find a room with that kind of money? Would there be another house like this nearby? Because of his illness, he couldn’t live in a cubicle or goshiwon that was no different from a chicken coop. Though he was already 29, Soohyun newly realized the fact that he had too little.
“At most two weeks? No, about ten days… is probably all the time I can give.”
“Ten days?”
