In fact, since it could all be seen as his fault that I was injured enough to be hospitalized and was being treated like a rag at the Center, I had nothing to say.
He was just pushing away his pair Guide who didn’t please him, but it was more than enough to be tormenting for a C-grade Guide who had become the partner of an SS-grade Esper. Because everyone around him had sympathized with him, empowered by his will.
“Leaving people confused is also rotten. He’s quite a cunning bastard. Should this old woman scold him for you?”
Grandmother clicked her tongue and threw out a light joke. Seeing her try to lighten the atmosphere, it seemed she had roughly sensed the complicated, tangled circumstances after our short conversation. I had nothing particular to say, so I quietly added a smile.
“……”
“……”
A not-awkward silence continued for a while inside the hospital room.
Before I knew it, time was pointing to evening. Grandmother silently placed her gaze outside the window, or rather somewhere far beyond it. I was also following this, slightly turning my head from Grandmother’s embrace to look out the window.
“Eunha.”
Grandmother suddenly called me quietly. Her gaze remained outside the window.
I hid my heart stirring with inexplicable anxiety and answered the call. But somehow I felt like I was already about to cry.
“…Yes, Grandmother.”
“You need to learn how to cut things off appropriately too.”
There was no object, but I could tell who she was referring to.
It wasn’t simply referring to Do Ganghyun alone. She spoke as if it were an extension of our earlier conversation, but those words were referring to Grandmother herself. And it meant to break away from the pair Esper deeply embedded in my heart, just like cutting off family.
“I really liked his foolishness, but I was so resentful of that choice he made to choose death for my sake in that last moment.”
“……”
“I was also upset that he seemed to only worry about me until the end before he left. That has remained until now. That’s why it hurts. That’s why it hurts……”
‘So, I hope my puppy won’t be like that.’ Grandmother’s voice gradually stretched out. I thought it was because she was retracing regrets and lingering attachments, but soon I could tell that the medication’s effect was belatedly wearing off. That we didn’t have much time left.
Before I knew it, my face was rippled with tears again. At this, Grandmother smiled as if she couldn’t stop me, and continuously wiped my eyes even in her fading consciousness.
“My puppy, you can do it, right?”
I swallowed and swallowed again the tears that surged up. This was all I could show instead of an answer. The resolution to do my best each moment as if it were the last, not knowing how the situation would unfold, had long since blurred. I couldn’t even show a simple smile. Even though this might be the only time I could relieve Grandmother’s concerns and worries.
While thinking I shouldn’t be like this, I couldn’t stop the resentful feelings from rising.
‘How can I do what even Grandmother herself couldn’t?’
However, those words never came bursting out of my mouth. At least I had to endure that.
Instead, I thought of something else. Thoughts about a future that wasn’t very hopeful.
If she falls asleep this time, when will Grandmother open her eyes?
At that time, will I be able to answer this question?
Grandmother, who only poured out worry and affection for me during the short time she was awake, closed her eyes again like that.
Longing for someone timid and foolish, for a long time.
***
While the conversation with Grandmother did cause ripples for me, my daily life didn’t change much immediately. I visited Do Ganghyun to attempt guiding as needed, and I also visited the research lab to participate in clinical experiments.
Today was the same. Outwardly giving various plausible reasons, clinical experiments started as before in the research lab I visited alone.
However, the clinical experiments with increased intensity no longer simply stopped at being trapped in the past and making people emotional.
‘That person who was in the smoking room near the parking lot, that was you, Myeong Eunha, right? Why didn’t you say anything? I looked around for you for a long time.’
‘It was all sincere. You know, I only have you.’
‘I’m your pair Esper.’
Auditory hallucinations and visual hallucinations, and on top of that, even distortion of memories that didn’t exist. The three elements aligned and accompanied strong side effects.
“—Khuk, kek! Cough!”
That was why. The reason I came back to this place, the smoking room.
“Geez, I told you not to let your guard down just because it’s the Guide building.”
However, I could say with certainty that I didn’t come here expecting such a meeting.
“…Esper Hyun Yoonseo?”
“Well well, now you’re even talking casually?!”
“I’m sorry.”
I put an apology in my mouth halfheartedly.
I crushed out the cigarette I had been holding with difficulty, my eyes brimming with tears. Based on past meetings, if I kept holding out like this, it would end up in Esper Hyun Yoonseo’s hands anyway.
“What brings you here?”
The question contained the meaning of ‘what business does an Esper have in the Guide building?’ Hyun Yoonseo must have known this too, but he answered nonchalantly.
“What business? I won the bet, so I’m visiting to see your face, killing two birds with one stone?”
‘By the way, hyung told you it was dangerous to be doing this here, didn’t he~?’ On top of that, he even properly positioned himself to lecture me.
However, I, who was quite exhausted from the aftermath of the clinical experiment, rather than being on guard and keeping distance, chewed over my memories with Hyun Yoonseo while my head rolled along dully.
“Bet…… Ah, now that I think about it, when did we ever make a bet?!”
I shouted indignantly, belatedly recalling that day’s conversation.
Hadn’t Do Ganghyun been frightening as his eyes turned over and he interrogated me because of that damn ‘bet’? Just thinking of the atmosphere of sitting on a bed of thorns, surrounded by his wavelength, made me feel utterly wronged.
“We even said ‘let’s wait and see,’ so how is that not a bet? Rather than that, how was it? Did you have some fun? I think I left at just the right timing.”
“I told you we’re not that kind of relationship.”
I once again explained that Do Ganghyun and I were just in a business relationship. That the misunderstanding arose from feelings I harbored alone, like the numerous rumors.
“Huh, really? He threw me away so frighteningly and nothing happened?!”
Hyun Yoonseo jumped up. He seemed to be properly caught on a strange point, putting my explanation in the back.
It meant whether there was nothing gained despite sacrificing his own body. When he had caused that commotion to mess with Do Ganghyun out of personal feelings in the first place.
‘The credit…’
I furrowed my brows irritably.
“I kept saying. Geez, nothing happened—!”
My words suddenly got stuck. My head, clouded in judgment from suffering from side effects, had nonetheless fixated on the keyword ‘Do Ganghyun’ and pulled out a memory.
‘Don’t be ridiculous. You wanted to confirm it too, didn’t you? That I appeared in this place and you, you……’
The image of Do Ganghyun who couldn’t finish his words in the end.
And my heart that felt like I knew what the rest of those words were, yet wanted to hear them directly.
“There was something.”
Hyun Yoonseo, who had been watching my hesitation, giggled and let out a laugh.
I wanted to refute him indignantly, but I couldn’t think of anything to say. It was even more so because I had already acted like someone whose inner feelings had been caught, flinching first.
“I found out your matching rate with Do Ganghyun exceeds 80%, right?”
“How else could a C-grade Guide become the pair of an SS-grade Esper if it wasn’t?”
Perhaps because of what just happened, my words came out more blunt than expected.
“So prickly.”
“……”
“Just in case, I’m telling you this, but at that level, grade and whatever else doesn’t matter, so stop acting pathetic.”
‘Your guiding is fucking delicious.’ Hyun Yoonseo smacked his lips and looked me up and down.
When I furrowed my brows and stepped back, the sound of giggling laughter rang in my ears once again.
“You don’t need to try so hard to do well. You don’t even need to try to do well in the first place because it works out well anyway. Your matching rate exceeds 80%.”
At those words, emotions surged up.
I wasn’t acting pathetic because I wanted to, and I wasn’t floundering, trapped in the past, because I wanted to flounder.
However, guiding alone was different.
Among all the gossip and rumors, the truth that no one could deny was precisely the matching rate, and my guiding. Although I had no choice in doing the clinical experiments, it was true that the rising matching rate numbers from them gave me indescribable fulfillment.
Both Grandmother and Do Ganghyun were all reasons for me to make efforts, but if asked to give a reason for myself, it was the only thing I could answer without hesitation.
‘But he’s telling me not to try to do well?’
That was something that could be easily said without knowing my situation. Something an S-grade who had never even come close to the heart of a C-grade could say.
“Why? Why shouldn’t I try to do well?”
“……”
“At one point you told me to make efforts because I’m C-grade, and now you say I don’t need to make efforts because my matching rate is high?! Why on earth do I—!”
My voice suddenly rose and I snapped to attention. What am I saying right now?
‘Even if my reason is clouded, there was no need to raise my voice……’
And to an S-grade Esper who could make me collapse in an instant at that.
