When Bernard woke up from a nap, a whole day had already passed. It seemed no family member had woken him. Sitting on the bed with a blank expression, the previous day’s events passed by like a panorama.
The hazy memory of falling asleep anxiously worrying about crushing his left hand while sleeping also remained vaguely. Bernard, who had been sitting on the bed unable to shake off a somewhat bewildered feeling, belatedly regained his sense of reality when he saw the two outerwear draped over the chair. Postponing the idle thoughts flooding in, he went downstairs, but the inside of the house was excessively quiet.
“Going to look at clothes.”
A brief note was left on the living room table. It was Sarah’s handwriting. Seeing that Elliot’s voice couldn’t be heard, it seemed Elliot had also gone out together. Bernard stared at the note for a while, then gently flipped it over just in case, but as expected, no other words were written.
When he returned home yesterday, Liam had not yet come home. Sarah wasn’t greatly surprised by Bernard’s appearance, but examined him from top to bottom with a weak face before leaving words saying it was fortunate he wasn’t hurt more. The only display of affection was warmly stroking his shoulder. Yes, it must have been a display of affection…….
Would he be a person who didn’t know satisfaction if that comfort felt pitiful? How unseemly it was for a full-grown adult to act like this. Gathering his rotten insides, he put the note back on the table. He had planned to at least grab a simple meal.
“…But there’s nothing.”
It seemed like just the day before yesterday there had been things left that could be eaten somehow, but the refrigerator was so empty it was shameful to say there was anything.
“I should fill the refrigerator too.”
Since she said she was going to look at clothes, there was no way she would stop by a grocery mart. Bernard, who had been looking at the empty refrigerator with a troubled expression, eventually went back up to the second floor and grabbed his coat and wallet. However, he soon faced a difficult reality.
“I can’t carry luggage……”
There really was no fool like him.
***
“So that’s why you called me?”
Rhino, who followed while pushing the cart, smiled with his eyes crinkling. Just moments ago, he had been cheeky asking how long it had been since they parted that he called, but when asked if he had time, he promptly answered that he had an overflow of time.
“Then what did you expect?”
“…Well, something like you missed me overnight? You never know with people.”
While crossing the large mart trying to put only the necessary groceries in the cart, the load in his hand suddenly lightened. It was because Rhino snatched the items from the side. It was a welcome kindness when he was troubled since the restrictions were great as he couldn’t use his left hand. He who neatly organized and put them in the cart shrugged his shoulders.
Bernard was also embarrassed by the fact that he had called him out the very next day after parting like that yesterday. Behind Bernard who couldn’t give any answer and kept trying to disappear among the people, Rhino stuck close.
In the meantime, cabbage, tomatoes, bread and such were put in the cart. Even though going around the large crowded store should be an exhausting task, Rhino matched his pace quite faithfully without showing any sign of displeasure.
When Bernard was holding groceries and pondering, he would hand him the one next to it saying this brand tasted better, or he would tell him the worst brand he had tried among the ones on the display. Thanks to Rhino’s sincere cooperation even though it wasn’t going into his own mouth, the cart became fuller than originally planned.
“This too.”
“Why?”
“What do you mean why? Since we’re buying, let’s buy it together.”
While counting the items in the cart, a box of canned cola was slyly placed next to it. Even knowing Bernard’s expression becoming drowsy, Rhino didn’t care and rubbed his cheek against his shoulder while acting cutely in an improper way.
“If I buy it, leave it at your house.”
“There’s no one in our house who drinks this much cola.”
“I know. I’ll come over and drink it all, so don’t worry and put it in the refrigerator.”
Rhino, who answered shamelessly, pushed the cart regardless. Since the one holding the cart took the lead, Bernard had no choice but to follow behind while bewildered.
“All this cola? Just how many times are you planning to come to our house?”
“I went yesterday and I’ll go today too. Living like this, what’s one box? I should buy two boxes.”
When Rhino smiled slyly, Bernard’s eyes narrowing was a bonus. Since he knew that to reproach him, he himself had called Rhino first, Bernard responded with silence. Regardless, Rhino said.
“And it’s fine if I sleep over.”
“I’ll absolutely never let you sleep at home.”
“Really?”
Bernard made a stubborn expression. While scrunching his nose tip and slightly frowning his face, it seemed like he had more to say, but after pressing his lips together, he said nothing more. As if teasing such a Bernard, Rhino asked “Really?” several more times, but Bernard never answered in the end.
As people were densely packed, the inside of the mart was noisy and the two people’s voices also gradually became a tone higher than usual. Rhino, who had been watching the side profile of Bernard pronouncing clearly unlike his usual mumbling tone since communication was difficult, casually threw out words.
“Act like that normally too.”
“Huh?”
“If you speak clearly like now, other people will also get flustered and entangled.”
The meaning contained in Rhino’s subtle words couldn’t be missed. Rhino had always thought unfavorably of people’s reactions toward Bernard. He remembered his words from college days grumbling that if he didn’t shrink back and acted confidently, half would fall away.
“…Well, you’re the only one who listens carefully to my words.”
Bernard found it difficult to know what to answer at times like this. Confessing unseemly facts was always an embarrassing matter. While walking with his right hand placed on the cart, he unknowingly stopped standing there blankly. By the side of him lost in thought, Rhino was silently waiting for the next words without a single complaint.
“I’m a person deserving of being ignored by others.”
It took quite a long time to admit that fact. By the time he graduated high school, Bernard’s confidence was completely shattered. He thought it couldn’t be helped even if everyone looked down on him. When his relationships with peers became a mess, there was no way to resolve his emotions, so he rather obsessively dug into studying. However, just because he studied well didn’t particularly improve his image.
A person ridiculed as gloomy also being good at studying only received reviews like having the skill to roll despite his state. Moreover, since his twin brother Elliot showed outstanding grades while getting along well with people, Bernard had to live buried like dead in Elliot’s afterglow.
There was no answer from Rhino to that one sentence spat out after much contemplation. Even though it was noticeable enough that the silence was longer than usual, Bernard was also lost in his own thoughts, so the conversation between the two was briefly cut off. Rhino, who had been staring down at such a Bernard, slyly lowered his head.
“While you’re always good at making me anxious.”
Rhino’s breath touched his earlobe. Bernard’s shoulders flinched from the ticklishness. The voice was suddenly heard too close, but he shrank his neck without being able to turn his head. Rhino’s embarrassing laughter was heard close by.
“Why would you have no value?”
A faint warmth was felt by his ear. Rhino, who left a kiss on his earlobe, slyly touched Bernard’s shoulder. Strength needlessly entered his thighs…… Bernard’s knees pressed tightly together touching each other. Even though he hadn’t done any action, a tingling feeling instantly climbed up his calves.
“Rhi, no……”
“Do you want to hear compliments?”
He was going to say it was too close. Bernard’s breathing shook weakly, but the hand holding his shoulder didn’t seem like it would let him go so easily.
“I’m not like that… it tickles…… a bit.”
Rhino’s hand was already going past his shoulder. It felt like the fine hairs stood up at the fingers lightly stroking his nape. His thumbnail rubbed long over Bernard’s nape, over his skin. Long enough for the heat to seep in a bit more, long enough to needlessly make him swallow his breath.
“Remember that you’re someone who makes me suffer from unrequited love.”
Rhino was strange. Even while having unrequited love, he didn’t become servile. Even while thinking all his actions were sincere, at certain moments, it also became unfamiliar. When Bernard needed help, he acted as if he would give everything, and he was honest with his emotions too. He didn’t hide saying he missed him, and met his gaze directly.
Was that why? Even while thinking all his actions were sincere, at certain moments it also became unfamiliar. Bernard now occasionally found Rhino difficult. He was confident to an extent that he himself couldn’t even dream of. Was this what it meant to believe in oneself? Could making someone have unrequited love for you also become something to be proud of?
It felt like water was filling up stuffily inside. It was like crying, and also like some kind of premonition. He wanted to exhale because it was frustrating, but rough bubbles kept bursting inside, blocking his breath. Bernard asked with difficulty.
“……Aren’t you embarrassed?”
“Is it something to be embarrassed about?”
“But… loving sometimes becomes a mistake too.”
It was a careful question. The unrequited love Bernard had was always an embarrassing experience. It was a feeling that shouldn’t be discovered by others, and if by chance it was discovered, he was often ridiculed. But Rhino, after colliding once, only came in with fastballs like someone who didn’t know how to break.
“I have times when I’m embarrassed too.”
It was somehow words unlike him. Rhino, who slyly avoided his gaze and then met his eyes again, let out a sound like “Mm,” and then slowly continued speaking.
“But being honest is always enduring becoming embarrassed.”
He who spoke decisively still seemed like a person from another world. Bernard had always yearned for the sunny place. He envied those who received the love of many people, and those who shone so that love wasn’t embarrassing. And Rhino was also that kind of person.
Why such a person liked gloomy him. While acknowledging with his head, his heart continued to hold doubt. There were times when the anxiety that Rhino might also leave in the end because of this frustrating personality seeped in eerily. The dark green eyes beyond the glasses gradually sank.
“For you, I’m fine breaking after colliding however many times.”
Rhino smiling brightly seemed like he would always be eternally immortal like that. It seemed like he would embrace the other as a complete person who wouldn’t collapse for anyone. The assumption of ‘if I had loved Rhino’ rose up countless times and often scattered like bubbles.
“So you try to cheer up a little too.”
Rhino whispered to Bernard while covering his own mouth with his spread palm. As if worried someone around might hear. Even though there was no way anyone could hear his small voice in the middle of the noisy mart.
“Be conscious of me.”
Ripples formed in the emotions that had been sloshing inside Bernard. It ticklishly scratched his insides like splashing waves. People commonly classify what they cannot understand as strange. And then they often became curious about it. Rhino was strange. At least to Bernard he was. So Bernard would now soon become curious about Rhino.
