The embrace that had warmly enveloped even his soul felt horrifying in an instant. Betrayal, despair rising once again. Eunchan scratched down Miro’s broad back, venting his resentment. However, Miro only held onto Eunchan like a person desperate for life and whispered his own name in his ear.
Why do all the things I have make me despair and leave me lonely? Prayers and pleas are useless. Because he was too weak to endure life with only resentment, he forcibly left behind love and distorted memories. He cut out his father and severed his mother by his own choice. So it’s not unfair, he only loved in the way he could before being abandoned first.
Grandmother, my grandmother. Until the moment she closed her eyes, Eunchan was a burden. You must have raised me with mixed feelings of love and hate. You personally raised the grandson who made your only daughter suffer so much and became an obstacle in her path.
Eunchan couldn’t overcome the pain and closed his eyes. Vivid green, my shadow stained with loss and hunger. A place that seems reachable by hand if he closes his eyes…… His consciousness faintly sinks into the abyss.
* * *
There was a time when Eunchan’s name was Deoksu. Kim Deoksu. It was a name created by inheriting the surname and generation name of his father’s family. Unable to endure his father’s drunken violence any longer, his mother took Deoksu and went to her parents’ home. Although they didn’t hear good words in their hometown, fortunately she met a good man and remarried, and Deoksu sent his mother away. Because that was the only way to protect himself.
Even without a father and with his mother going to another family, Eunchan still had family left. Deoksu loved his grandmother but was simultaneously afraid of being abandoned. After his mother remarried, he became more desperate. Grandmother was the only protector left for Deoksu.
Every time he saw his grandmother immersed in sorrow, Deoksu would stand behind the door and tear out the guilt buried in his chest along with his own flesh. If I had listened to father better, he would have been beaten less, and then wouldn’t the two of them have continued to live well? No, if I hadn’t been born at all…….
It felt like all causes and reasons lay with him. His heart would sink at the sound of grandmother’s sighs heard beyond the paper door in the middle of the night, and when he hoped for money to buy school supplies, his head would bow like a sinner.
The hometown people pitied the grandmother who had to shoulder a burden in her old age.
‘You have to do well.’
‘When will she finish raising that.’
Since they were close enough to interfere with each other’s spoon counts, they showed even greater interest in Deoksu’s interesting family circumstances and made various comments.
I didn’t want to live like this either. Deoksu swallowed his inner feelings, pushing them down, and pretended not to hear those things. That was the maximum rebellion he could do.
He wanted to reclaim his parents while simultaneously wanting to discard his name. He hated so much that traces of his father, whom grandmother and mother had trembled at, remained with him. What if they end up hating me like father? His young heart pounded with anxiety every night. Every day was cautious. Deoksu was careful to read the mood so as not to needlessly upset grandmother.
And on that piercingly cold winter day. Mom returned to heaven. Leaving Eunchan trembling with anxiety on this earth.
* * *
Waking up in a daze, Eunchan closed his eyes again at the spreading fluorescent light. His mind was hazy. It felt like he had a short dream, or like he had watched a boring movie. His eyes stung, so he tried to raise his arm to rub them, but felt that the hand movement was unnatural. When he opened his eyes to check, there was an IV line inserted in the back of his hand.
“……What.”
As if fog had settled in his head, he couldn’t remember his last memory no matter how hard he tried to recall it. Clearly Miro, hyung had been binding him tightly. When he turned his head to look around, it was exactly the same as the hospital room Miro had been admitted to before. Only the patient lying down was different. Eunchan slowly straightened his back and sat up. For a moment, he was glad he didn’t see Miro as soon as he opened his eyes.
He looked for his belongings and phone but couldn’t see them. He wanted to contact Hyungsik and ask him to come pick him up, but it was unfortunate. Eunchan let out a deep sigh and leaned his upper body against the headboard. He didn’t want to meet hyung again like this. It wasn’t to play with his life that he had longed for hyung.
‘Psycho bastard.’
“Jang Heewoo has good judgment of people.”
Whether artists have good intuition or because they lived together for a long time, he understood Miro much better than himself. Regretting the days he didn’t listen carefully, Eunchan swept his hair back behind his forehead.
He wanted to run out immediately, but knowing he was someone who even assigned surveillance, he knew someone would be guarding outside anyway. His body wasn’t good anyway, so there was no need to unnecessarily exert himself and waste energy in advance.
Moreover, although he really hated it, he had to exchange words with Miro once. While cooling his heart down as much as possible, Eunchan controlled his breathing. Meditation breathing he had never tried came out naturally. When they meet, first let’s punch him once. Let’s start by making deep scratches on that proud face. It seemed like only that would allow him to calm down. Eunchan clenched his right hand into a fist.
However, this resolution completely evaporated the moment Miro opened the door and entered. The calmly settled black straight hair fluttered softly whenever Miro moved. Above his clean and white face, his reddened eyes were colored. Below his straight and smooth nose bridge, his coral-colored lips were roughly chapped. He was completely a sick person’s appearance, but that desolate color was splendid and beautiful. He was only wearing a simple shirt, but rather looked ascetic, drawing more attention.
“Di-did you wake up?”
“……Anyone would think he’s the victim.”
Miro, who appeared with a face about to suffocate from tears, approached Eunchan without even hiding his tired appearance. At Eunchan’s cold gaze, Miro couldn’t even approach the bed closely and just circled around.
“How’s your bo-body?”
“I feel like I’m going to die seeing hyung.”
It wasn’t a lie, it really was like that. His stomach that had been fine started churning as soon as he saw Miro, and soon pain was felt as if being stabbed with needles. When Eunchan clutched his stomach and grimaced, Miro bit his lips with his teeth and fidgeted restlessly.
“Doctor, I’ll call the doctor……”
“Let’s talk.”
“But,”
“If not now, we can’t, you know that.”
This was the last point. There was no more affection or memories. The moment he went outside the hospital, he would forget everything like before. Eunchan gripped the blanket and hid his anxiety.
“You were a li-little surprised. I was so wo-worried about Eunchan, mm, so……”
“Don’t drag it out and talk. Why did you have Han Inju send me? Is the stalker all a lie? No, is there anything real among the things hyung did to me?”
“I, I, hyung only has Eunchan……”
It was a confession that seemed about to collapse at any moment in the wind. Eunchan looked into Miro’s eyes. Like transparent and clear water, they reflected Eunchan. Miro hesitantly narrowed the distance with Eunchan little by little. A face in love. As if Eunchan, himself, was the only precious thing in this world, he met his gaze like a devout believer.
“Aren’t you even sorry to me?”
Miro immersed in sorrow was beautiful to the point of being ecstatic, making Eunchan even more miserable. As if Eunchan was the only one struggling in the mire, Miro just stood beside him worriedly watching over Eunchan. At his face without a trace of guilt, Eunchan couldn’t contain his anger and threw back the blanket as if about to pounce at any moment.
“You can hit me.”
Perhaps noticing Eunchan’s clenched fist, Miro said with a bright smile.
“……”
“It’s o-okay. Wh-where should I get hit?”
Though the face is a bit…… Miro, who knew well that Eunchan liked his face, hesitated and added. Eunchan looked at Miro who seemed about to offer his body at any moment and unclenched his fist. Hitting this guy would only make him feel worse.
“Forget it. That’s enough now……”
He had no strength to continue the conversation that bounced here and there without direction. When Eunchan lost all strength and slumped, Miro, mistaking this for forgiveness, sneakily took a seat on the bed and watched for his reaction.
“Are you u-upset? Next time I’ll do it wi-without Eunchan knowing.”
Han Inju who delivered the photos had said that Eunchan didn’t particularly like having his photo taken, so he might be upset. Miro nodded and carefully began massaging Eunchan’s leg.
“Miro-ssi, there is no next time. We’re done here.”
Eunchan spoke strongly while pulling his leg away from Miro’s hand.
“What do you me-mean?”
“Do you think we’re in a relationship where we can catch up and become sworn brothers after seeing this mess?”
The days when they cultivated their own garden together with ticklish heartbeats were gilded fakes. Eunchan looked at Miro who still couldn’t escape from the dream and got angry. He had fainted from shock and been brought to the hospital, and now it was ridiculous that he wanted to continue playing house.
“Eu-Eunchan,”
“Keep holding onto a doll that looks like me by yourself. I have to go.”
It felt really terrible being together and let’s never meet again. When Eunchan got off the bed, Miro also hurriedly stood up.
