As his face came to mind, he wanted to hear his voice, and as he imagined the warmth, he wanted to be held in those arms. Eunchan hurriedly took out his phone from his pocket. The missed calls that he hadn’t been able to check because he’d been out of it filled the screen.
Dozens of calls and messages had all come from Miro. Even that made him feel like he would cry from happiness. In a world without a single family member, he was fortunate that there was someone searching for him like this. Without time to get sentimental, the phone began ringing once again.
“…Hello.”
– Where are you?
It was a rather rough tone, not the usual friendly and gentle way of speaking. At the feeling that Miro, who seemed to be breathing heavily, was right next to him, Eunchan hunched his shoulders.
“This is, this is the Gwangju columbarium. Where are you, Miro-ssi?”
He couldn’t ask him to come to a place far from Seoul. Eunchan suppressed the rising loneliness and organized his gloomy mood.
– Yeah, I’m coming.
“What? You’re going home?”
– I’m coming to Eunchan.
“Do you know where this is?”
At the mismatched conversation, Eunchan looked around to check for people. Even though he knew Miro couldn’t be here, Miro acted as if he’d already arrived.
“Go home. I think I’ll be a bit late today, but I’ll come back quickly.”
He wanted to get completely drunk. Eunchan soothed Miro while making a promise he couldn’t keep. There was too much he had to handle ahead. He had to organize his father’s house and belongings, and file a death report. It was damn hard even with grandmother, fuck. The thought of having to do that shit again felt overwhelming.
“Eunchan-ah.”
As he was swallowing a groan while raking through his hair, Miro’s voice came not from the receiver but from nearby. Eunchan raised his bowed head and checked his surroundings again. Miro standing at the entrance of the rest area seemed like a dream.
“…How,”
“Did he pass away?”
Since the location was what it was, Miro easily guessed someone’s death. Eunchan put down his phone, got up from his seat, and grabbed the wrist of Miro, who had come closer.
“…Yes.”
“The funeral?”
“I’m not doing it. There’s no one who would come anyway.”
He didn’t want to either. He was afraid that if he saw his father’s portrait photo, he would really be flooded with the feeling of being left alone. Miro carefully led Eunchan into his arms.
“I’ll do it, Eunchan should rest.”
Miro answered gently as if he would take all the responsibility. At those words, Eunchan collapsed his dizzy mind and leaned completely on Miro. The anxiety and fear of being left alone eroded his body.
“How does someone just die like this. Fuck, really. Now I’m really alone…”
Though he’d cut ties, there had still been the belief that he was alive somewhere. He just didn’t acknowledge family with the same blood flowing on this earth, but he’d never truly thought they didn’t exist.
“It’s okay.”
Eunchan, who had strongly embraced Miro’s waist, soon began to sniffle. It was difficult to control his tears as if he’d become a young child. Without noticing that Miro’s shirt was getting wet, Eunchan hugged Miro with all his strength. The single warmth held in his hands was so desperately needed.
Miro’s comfort poured down over the desperate Eunchan’s head. Miro kept whispering Eunchan’s name and caressed his back. Since Miro himself was a landmark, it was okay for Eunchan to lose his way for a moment.
Miro handled things easily. Entering the funeral hall that Miro had arranged, Eunchan placed his father’s urn instead of a portrait photo. Since no one would come anyway, it would have been fine to contract the cheapest place, yet Miro deliberately chose the best room.
He couldn’t even keep grandmother or mom in a place like this. While he was annoyed that it was his father enjoying such luxury in death, he also felt like he should at least fulfill his duty as a son like this. Miro approached Eunchan, who had changed into mourning clothes.
“…There’s no need to wear mourning clothes.”
“B-because Eunchan is f-family.”
Looking at Miro, who was also dressed in mourning clothes like himself, Eunchan sighed. Since they were clothes provided by the funeral hall, they looked a bit small on Miro. Eunchan loosened Miro’s tightly fastened necktie and expressed his gratitude.
“Thank you.”
He was grateful for being by his side and making him not lonely. Eunchan firmly pressed down his emotions and conveyed them to Miro.
“Not at all.”
A plain greeting returned with a smile. Eunchan stroked Miro’s cheek and regretted the disgraceful behavior he’d shown in front of Miro. The ones who died when he was young must have meant his biological parents. To cry that he’d really become alone in front of Miro, who had to be alone for a long time, was lacking in consideration.
“Weren’t you lonely, Miro-ssi?”
Leaning against the wall side by side, Eunchan held Miro’s hand and asked. I feel like I’m going crazy with loneliness even now, so how did you endure? How much time did you spend in tears and pain?
“Yeah, I wasn’t lonely.”
At the unexpected answer, Eunchan met Miro’s eyes. Eyes of a strong and solid color sparkled. As if he’d never been hurt even once, Miro showed his heart without a single trace of a scratch.
How can you endure?
Eunchan himself was weak and so delicate that just not having a support made him feel like both his ankles were broken.
“…Miro-ssi will continue to stay by my side, right?”
‘Let’s become family.’
It was a statement he himself had uttered, then cursed and hated again. It was a promise he shouldn’t have made to the person who would easily abandon and forget Eunchan. How much he had to tremble his soul in betrayal after hyung left.
Eunchan slashed hyung’s face dozens of times and carved out the memories. To not sink into the sea of solitude, he had to throw away everything he had. Forgetting mom, abandoning hyung, sending off grandmother. Since his own appearance reflected on the water’s surface was also shabby and full of wounds, Eunchan had to wash away even his own face several times.
I hate being alone. He was sick of loneliness now. Eunchan grabbed Miro’s collar without hiding his desperate face.
“Yes, forever.”
Even in death, even after death. The promise to continue staying by his side was reaffirmed once more. When Eunchan roughly wiped away the flowing tears, Miro, worried his eyes would get hurt, hurriedly stopped him.
“I like you. With m-me…”
He should say let’s date, but his mouth wouldn’t open. He wanted to confess in a good place with the right atmosphere, but in reality, he was begging for the other person’s feelings while crying in a funeral hall. Feeling this situation was a bit miserable, Eunchan couldn’t finish his words and bowed his head.
However, at the touch lifting his chin, Eunchan raised his face again and looked at Miro. Miro silently stared into Eunchan’s eyes, then soon began to smile brightly.
“I-I like you too.”
As if shy, his eyes reddening, Miro planted kisses on Eunchan’s forehead, eyes, and cheeks with smacking sounds. In the shower of pouring kisses, Eunchan blinked and grabbed Miro’s wrist.
“Wait a moment,”
“I’ll be by your side for life, won’t let anyone take you…”
Hugging Eunchan tightly in his arms, Miro muttered. Though it was suffocating enough that he couldn’t breathe and felt like his body would be crushed, his mood was satisfying. Eunchan also hugged Miro’s broad back and clung to him tightly. He hoped Miro would hold onto him so he wouldn’t drift away anymore.
A funeral hall with only the two of them, with an urn placed instead of a portrait photo. The confession was terrible and they couldn’t set the atmosphere. Nevertheless, it was cozy, warm, and fragrant. Miro’s heart was pounding loudly as if he himself had confessed, so Eunchan couldn’t hold back his laughter and burst out laughing even with tears hanging.
According to procedure, they should hold a 3-day funeral, but Eunchan thought even one day was enough, so he told Miro let’s go back now. He also strongly wanted to go home quickly and rest.
When Miro said he would enshrine his father in a different columbarium, Eunchan nodded. He didn’t care where, but still, since he was his father, he wanted to enshrine him in a good place. Though he’d been a father who didn’t contact him and was treated as nonexistent, after he passed away, as if those memories had faded, a pitiful feeling was gradually arising.
Leaving everything to Miro, Eunchan got into the car Miro had driven. Come to think of it, he remembered Miro’s car that they’d left parked carelessly at Seoul Station. It was quite an expensive car…
Planning to check as soon as they went up, Eunchan rummaged through his pants pocket. It was the key to his father’s house that he’d received while filling out the body release documents. Was it some studio apartment he’d lived in? He had to go organize the luggage and vacate the house, but he couldn’t muster the courage to go.
While Eunchan was just fiddling with the key, Miro, who had finished all the payments, entered the driver’s seat.
“What is it?”
Looking at the key in his hand, Miro showed interest.
“My father’s house key. I have to go organize the luggage and pay the rent too.”
“Yeah, should I do it for you?”
Perhaps noticing Eunchan’s reluctant heart, Miro reached out his hand. Eunchan rolled the key between his fingers, then soon placed it on Miro’s palm. Miro was the only one who knew all of his family circumstances.
“…You’re getting sick of me, right?”
Embarrassed as if he was showing everything down to the bottom, Eunchan asked calmly. Miro shook his head at Eunchan’s question and gripped the key tightly.
“N-no.”
“I’ll ask you, sorry.”
He wanted to put off all work and just sleep all day. Eunchan, unable to hide his tired face, leaned comfortably against the passenger seat and closed his eyes. At this rate, it felt like he would hand over even his life to Miro.
“Thank you.”
“For what, I’m the thankful one.”
At Miro’s sudden thanks, Eunchan let out a hollow laugh. How did such a pretty person end up caught by me?
‘You must never abandon me.’
Locking away the words rising to his throat, Eunchan stroked the back of Miro’s hand.
