However, in the face of his burning heart, such resolve crumbles.
His eyes felt warm—it seemed tears had welled up. Afraid they’d spill if he blinked wrong, Hakyoung tensed his trembling eyelids. Yumyeong’s face, meeting his head-on, looked somewhat at a loss for words.
“Haa, why are you crying again…”
Along with the sigh Yumyeong let out, a very faint sincerity flowed forth. Unlike the act of pretending nothing had happened, this was the ‘real thing’ he hadn’t easily seen until now. Hakyoung’s eyes frantically wandered over Yumyeong’s face, chasing after that thread-like genuine emotion.
“Why am I crying? Because of you.”
“…”
“I tried to be considerate of you. I wanted to give you time. But I can’t do it anymore.”
“…”
“Why are you suddenly acting like this? What are you afraid of?”
Yumyeong had no answer for a while. Before he knew it, his expression had disappeared, and in the eyes that merely looked at him silently, melancholy hung like a veil. Somehow it felt ominous, and the fact that he wouldn’t open his mouth despite being urged felt like a weak sign of rejection, making Hakyoung’s heart sink.
“Yumyeong.”
Slowly, very slowly, his closed lips twisted slightly and his expressionless face broke. The changes in his facial muscles were so slow that it took a long while to realize he was trying to create a smile. But it didn’t look like he was smiling at all. He wasn’t sure if it was because the process was too awkward, or because the smile was too faint.
Yumyeong muttered in a bitter voice.
“Does this make sense?”
After a moment of suffocating silence, a small melody flowed from the dryer.
“How could we date?”
Saying that, Yumyeong pressed and gripped Hakyoung’s arm once firmly, then turned around abruptly. The touch seemed both like telling him to snap out of it and like encouragement.
When he spat out those dagger-like words, Yumyeong didn’t even look him in the eye. What’s more, the act of turning around and taking out the dry laundry was extremely casual. It seemed his heartfelt confession, even his tears, had no effect whatsoever.
Soon after, Yumyeong walked past him with an armful of dry laundry bundled in his embrace. Along with the flow of air, a faint scent of fabric softener flowed into his nose. That smell mixed with the scent of tears that had completely blocked his eyes and nose. It was ironic that this innocuous, fragrant scent was the smell of tragedy.
Very slowly, Hakyoung accepted the fact that he had been rejected. And also that Yumyeong was trying to pretend not to know about all the feelings the two had shared.
The situation of ‘being dumped’ was registered in his head, but he couldn’t accept it.
That’s when it happened. Standing in front of the closed door, Yumyeong suddenly looked back at him and said,
“Open the door for me, I don’t have a free hand.”
How could he be so calm?
Unable to contain the surging sorrow, Hakyoung walked toward him with heavy steps and roughly opened the door.
“Oh.”
Yumyeong flinched back to avoid the door that swung open right in front of his nose. With his other hand, Hakyoung grabbed one of Yumyeong’s wrists and pulled him without reason.
“Hey, what the—where are you going! Let go of this!”
The laundry he’d been holding in his arms dropped to the floor with a rustle, and Yumyeong let out a very flustered voice. Pulling him even more strongly as he staggered trying not to step on the laundry he’d dropped, Hakyoung climbed the stairs. Whether he thought something of his growling, Yumyeong didn’t resist anymore. As if resigned, he left his hand in his grasp and followed.
Bang! The metal door to the rooftop opened noisily. The door without a stopper was pushed all the way back with however much force was applied, usually banging into the opposite wall. Only after completely coming out onto the rooftop did Hakyoung finally let go of Yumyeung’s hand. Then he kicked the door shut again.
“…You’re full of energy.”
Yumyeong chuckled and rubbed his wrist. Hakyoung glared at him with eyes that didn’t hide his resentment.
Tact is perhaps a way to defend oneself. A method to keenly perceive the flow of situations and avoid bad endings.
And Hakyoung wasn’t the type to lack tact. Though he couldn’t accept Yumyeong suddenly distancing himself or denying all the feelings they’d shared, it wasn’t that he didn’t know the reason.
Because I’m a man, because you originally like women…
Because you don’t intend to date me.
Dating is mutual. So even though he knew all the choice belonged to Yumyeong, Hakyoung couldn’t accept this and didn’t know what to do with himself. He wanted to insist, to pressure, to force it to go his way if that would work. Clearly he wanted to show consideration and respect to the person he liked, but now he couldn’t control his feelings.
More than Yumyeong who wouldn’t do as he wanted, these violent thoughts so unlike himself were disgusting and drove him crazy. Suppressing the surging emotions, Hakyoung forced out a word with difficulty.
“Why?”
“…”
“Why can’t we date?”
“…”
“You said you wanted to date so badly, why not me?”
“…”
“You like me, so why?”
The wind of a summer night full of humidity blew carrying the earth’s heat. Yumyeong’s hair also swayed on his cheek following the gentle breeze. Unlike his pretty face, Yumyeong spat out harsh words.
“Do I have to explain everything from one to ten for you?”
It was a statement that left him speechless.
“Would you be okay with the kids in our class knowing you’re dating a guy?”
“I’d be fine with it. If you don’t like it, I’ll keep it secret.”
“Then can you tell your parents?”
“I can.”
“Don’t joke around.”
“Why do you think it’s a joke? I could take you to my house right now…”
“Forget it, I don’t want that.”
He was hurt once more by Yumyeong’s voice muttering with downcast eyes. His mind was dazed from the feeling of being struck in the brain with harsh words since earlier. Hakyoung thought about the reason Yumyeong had changed while barely suppressing his pitiful breathing. Even in the midst of this, Yumyeong said something completely different.
“Hey, but I saw earlier there’s CCTV in the laundry room too. I didn’t know… it’s not recording, is it?”
“Hoo…”
At those words, a sigh that felt like the ground was caving in came out naturally. Even at a moment like this, he notices his surroundings, he thought. He was resentful of such a person, his insides boiled over. Hakyoung, who ran his hand through his hair to cool down, said as if chewing his words.
“What are you worried about? We didn’t do anything.”
“I should go to the dorm supervisor’s office and check.”
“Is that what’s important to you right now?”
When he snapped with a stern face, Yumyeong furrowed his brow. Even when someone properly got angry, far from being intimidated or surprised, his expression was merely annoyed. From the way he stuck his hands in his pockets, hung his head, and clicked his tongue, the feeling strongly emanated that he was dismayed.
He’d had tact and tried not to be annoying. But it ended up like this after all.
Hakyoung was engulfed in deep self-loathing. If clinging would work, he wanted to do that; if getting angry and confronting would work, he wanted to do that, but the fact that nothing would work on Yumyeong right now cut to the bone.
He at least wanted to know the reason.
“Just tell me… why.”
How long had he been like that?
As he blinked his hot eyes with his head hung, Yumyeong walked toward him with heavy steps.
Then unexpectedly, his hand lifted his chin. Between his disheveled bangs, Yumyeong’s face looked hazily blurred. The pooled tears were blocking his vision. He didn’t want to show his ugly face, but since it was Yumyeong’s hand, he couldn’t push it away either.
He said in a softened voice,
“Hakyoung, can’t we just stay like this?”
“…”
“I like you. That’s true. I don’t want to make you cry either.”
“…”
“You said you like me too. Then let me ask one favor. Can’t we really be… good friends? It’s not because I dislike you. You’re special to me too. So as special friends…”
The touch caressing his cheek was cruel. It seemed to carry real affection, which made it worse. Hakyoung said through gritted teeth,
“Fine. Then explain what’s different between the special friend you want and dating.”
“…”
“Can I hold your hand? What about kissing? Will you allow it when others don’t know? How is that different from dating?”
“Hakyoung.”
“If you’re going to spout that dog-like bullshit about staying friends with me and fooling around while dating women, don’t even bring it up.”
“No, please, let’s think rationally. The feeling of love only lasts 3 years at most. Will this feeling still be the same after 3 years? I don’t think so. So let’s not get swept up in momentary impulses and make decisions we’ll regret. Be careful…”
“I’ve been careful enough!”
Unable to bear it any longer, Hakyoung shouted. His ragged breathing was out of control, and his tear-stained eyes must look miserable. Even so, he could no longer hold back without bringing out what was truly inside. He cried out as if wailing,
“Much more than you know. I’ve been careful and careful again. There’s a 3-year limit? Sure, that might be true. But the thought that you could fall for the same person twice, three times, that that could happen… ngh…”
Hakyoung couldn’t finish his words and hung his head. He absolutely couldn’t control his soundlessly shaking shoulders and the sobs that gently burst forth. Yumyeong seemed at a loss for words at the violent crying that suddenly poured out, but soon whispered soothingly in a soft voice,
“Hakyoung, but that’s not about us.”
“…What…?”
“At the beginning of the semester, you liked Sunmin. I was just next to you, happened to be there at a good time… and when you looked, I wasn’t so bad, the timing was right. That’s why it turned out like this.”
“No.”
Hakyoung shook off his tears and said firmly.
“It was you from the beginning.”
Doubt appeared in Yumyeong’s eyes as they met.
“It’s been you since 15 years ago.”
This wasn’t when he’d meant to say it.
He’d really tried to find a good time…
Hakyoung slowly took hold of Yumyeong’s hand that had been caressing his cheek and whispered,
“Yumyeong. It’s me, Yeong.”
