Hakyoung pulled his ear away from the phone. It was a good thing he was alone in his room—if someone had been there, they surely would have heard the voice flowing out from beyond the cell phone.
In the meantime, his mother, unable to hide her excitement, interrogated him about what kind of child it was, what they looked like, how they became close, and when he was planning to confess. There were so many questions pouring out at once that Hakyoung couldn’t collect himself. His mother, telling him he absolutely must bring his girlfriend home once, was already prepared to return to Korea to welcome Hakyoung and that girlfriend of his.
―Can you bring her home once? Mom will really, really treat her well. If you start dating, you have to show her to me. You have to, okay?
“……I don’t know yet.”
―What do you mean you don’t know? Aren’t you going to confess?
“……”
―Look at you. Not saying anything. Is it unrequited love? Then you need to win her over. Are you just going to sit still? I didn’t raise you to be so weak.
“I’m hanging up.”
―No! Send me a picture of the girl……!
Before his mother could finish speaking, Hakyoung hung up the phone with a somewhat drained face.
“Hah…… This is trouble.”
Thinking it over carefully, he realized he should have played dumb from the start. But at some point he’d gotten caught up in his mother’s way of talking, and now it was too late to deny it.
As expected, he’d have to roughly tell his mother later that he confessed and got rejected. If he didn’t wrap it up somehow like that, she’d keep interrogating him about it.
Meanwhile, Hakyoung fell into his own thoughts.
Confession.
‘I want to do it too……’
He wasn’t a fool whose heart just ran ahead of him. If there were no possibility at all, he would have hidden his feelings and taken a slower approach. He would have become Yumyeong’s closest friend and seeped in like clothes getting wet in a drizzle. No matter how much of a long game it became, he would have been confident.
But at some point, dozens of times a day, the words “I like you” surged up to the tip of his throat. He couldn’t stand wanting to ask his intentions, saying he wanted to become something a bit special with him, asking how he felt about it. It was even more so because the current Yumyeong seemed to have many openings.
He could tell by looking into those eyes facing him. Yumyeong didn’t dislike him.
No, he liked him very much.
He was always sending looks that said to be on his side. He wanted to rely on him. And Hakyoung was ready to gladly respond to those feelings. Holding back when he knew all of his feelings was even more difficult.
Even amid all this, there were countless things that broke his will.
For example, things like this.
Once, they went out to the city to buy ice cream together and met a young child at the shop. The child, about three years old, loitered around the two of them before soon grabbing onto Yumyeong’s pant leg and looking up at him with obvious eyes. When Yumyeong felt the presence pulling at him, a gleam appeared in his eyes.
Yumyeong smiled brightly at the child and spoke to them.
“Why? You want some too?”
“Yeah……”
The child seemed to have decided to target this side instead of their parents who wouldn’t allow ice cream no matter how much they begged.
“Ah…… that won’t do, you know? I can’t just give you ice cream. You’ll get an upset stomach.”
Yumyeong’s face as he looked at the child whining while sucking their finger was filled with an expression of pure adoration. He didn’t mind even when the child grabbed his pants with saliva-covered hands, and he crouched down to match eye level and even played with the child. Until shortly after when the parents came running in a fluster, said they were sorry, and left carrying the child away.
“Huk…… it all melted.”
While playing with the child, the ice cream had melted and was dripping. Watching Yumyeong hastily lick up what had flowed onto his hand, Hakyoung said,
“That’s unexpected.”
“What is?”
“You like kids?”
“Yeah, I like babies.”
“How much?”
“Enough that I want to get married quickly because of babies?”
It was just a simple wish, but Hakyoung received a quiet shock.
“Actually, what I like most are newborn babies, but it’s hard to see babies that young by chance, you know? I also don’t want to seem like a suspicious person by peeking at them…… So sometimes when I see people holding babies on the subway or places like that, I stand nearby and if a seat opens up next to them, I sit down. Because I want to see them up close. Have you ever seen a baby up close? Just being near them, they smell good.”
Imagining it, it was a very cute episode. He wondered how much someone would have to like children to be like that. Separate from liking that side of Yumyeong, Hakyoung’s face paled a bit.
“You already have thoughts like wanting to have a child?”
“Yeah, I think about it sometimes?”
“Marriage is, well, still too far off to talk about……”
When he forcibly pushed the topic of marriage away, Yumyeong answered with an unconcerned face.
“What’s far off? If you make up your mind, you just do it.”
“It’s not such a light matter……”
“It really is. My dream is to be a married college student, you know?”
And seeing Yumyeong with a carefree face all by himself, he was left speechless. Because no matter how much the current him relied on and liked him, having a child was something he couldn’t give him.
Another time, as an extension of this, he said something similar.
“I want to get married as soon as possible if I can.”
“Why?”
“Because I want to build my own family quickly. It’s my dream. To create a home where we absolutely never betray each other, lean on each other for life, are loved and can love……”
“……”
“I’ll take responsibility for the family I create until the end. Not just my wife, but I’ll raise my children so they don’t know loneliness either. Really.”
That was entangled with Yumyeong’s current family circumstances and made even the listener’s heart ache. His determination not to follow in his parents’ footsteps was both admirable and heartbreaking.
However, there was a different single word that made Hakyoung’s heart churn the most.
My wife.
Yumyeong believed he would naturally get married, and imagined there would be a woman by his side in his future.
‘Of course, since he’s believed his whole life that he’s straight. He doesn’t know the future, so he’s just saying it.’
Even while comforting himself like that, whenever he imagined Yumyeong’s future, Hakyoung felt an indescribable wretchedness. These aspects of Yumyeong that he occasionally encountered were like a massive wall that blocked his breath.
When these moments repeated, even if affection dwelled in Yumyeong’s eyes, he couldn’t help but doubt that affection. Exactly what kind of feelings did he have while gazing at him with those sparkling eyes, whether this too might be affection with a limited duration…… things like that.
Would it change a bit if he knew I was Yeong?
He tried that hypothesis too, but if it were the current Yumyeong, he’d probably be shocked for a moment, be extremely delighted, and then
‘Haha! I didn’t even know that and thought you were a girl and liked you.’
wrap it up with a simple statement like that.
He didn’t want past memories to end as just a happening. This was proof of a destiny continued from the past. The moment the past and present connected, Yumyeong would finally accept that past as meaningful.
So Hakyoung wanted Yumyeong to truly fall for him once again.
Just as he had.
***
Before the break ended, the two decided to visit the place where Yumyeong would be living independently.
When he checked the address he received on the map in advance, an officetel in the middle of Gwanghwamun came up. Since it seemed like it would be tiring to go from Gangwon Province to downtown Seoul and back in one day, the two applied for overnight leave altogether.
After booking KTX tickets for the date, they thought about what to do since it had been a while since going to Seoul, and in their excited hearts, each picked out things they wanted to do. While Hakyoung searched for cafes with good atmosphere or art museums, secretly planning a date course, Yumyeong was researching things like PC rooms with good facilities. Hakyoung became sullen because of that side of Yumyeong, but later changed his thinking positively, saying a PC room date together wouldn’t be bad either.
“But Yumyeong, does that place have things like towels or blankets?”
“There should be, right? They said they moved all the stuff from the main house.”
“Just in case there isn’t, let’s bring things like towels and toothbrushes.”
Hakyoung, who was the porter type, packed a ton of luggage starting several days before visiting. On the other hand, Yumyeong said there was no need and set out practically empty-handed. Even so, when they left the dormitory together, he readily held out his hand and shared the burden of Hakyoung’s heavy luggage.
“Right. You’re coming back tomorrow afternoon, right? Returning before evening roll call?”
“Yes, teacher!”
At the dorm supervisor’s confirmation, Yumyeong answered energetically.
“Be careful going and come back, and report when you return.”
“Yes, understood.”
Receiving the teacher’s send-off as they waved from the supervisor’s office, the two left the dormitory.
It was scorching midsummer. The two, who had been complaining together about the sunlight that seemed to burn their scalps, fought over who would sit by the window once they got on the train.
“I want the window!”
“No way. I want to sit by the window too.”
“Then let’s play rock-paper-scissors.”
“What rock-paper-scissors? Check the ticket. I’m the window seat.”
“Hey, Hakyoung. Look carefully. With the direct sunlight beating down like that, what are you going to do if your white skin gets tanned? You need to maintain your naturally pretty skin.”
“……My skin is pretty?”
Like that, Yumyeong sweet-talked Hakyoung and took the window seat. However, without getting any worth from sitting there, he ignored the scenery outside the window and soon fell asleep. Seeing Yumyeong tilting his head and then resting it with a thunk on his shoulder, Hakyoung leaned his body so he could rest more comfortably. Being bothered that the sunlight was shining on Yumyeong’s closed eyelids and long neck, pulling down the blind was a bonus.
After getting off at Seoul Station, the two looked around like country mice who’d come up to the city. They barely escaped the station, caught a taxi at the platform, and just as they were cooling off their sweat in the air conditioning, the taxi driver told them to get out again in less than 10 minutes. When they checked the map, suspecting they’d been scammed, it was the right destination.
“Is it here? I think it’s here.”
“It’s bigger than I thought. Where’s the officetel……”
The two wandered a bit before finding the officetel building and entering through the entrance. As soon as Yumyeong got on the elevator and made eye contact with Hakyoung, he giggled. At first he’d just been gloomy about being kicked out of the house, but coming with Hakyoung made those feelings disappear. Rather, he was excited as if he’d come on a field trip.
