Hakyoung brushed away even that well-intentioned hand. Reading the faint irritation on that touch, Yumyeong said generously.
“Fine. You brat… So picky. It’s not that you’re fairly handsome, okay. Objectively, you’re very handsome. Is this the answer you wanted?”
“…”
“You’re exceptional and anyone would like you. I really don’t understand why you have so little confidence. You don’t need to give up without even trying.”
“He likes you.”
At Hakyoung’s tone, Yumyeong unconsciously flinched. There was a sharp resentment hidden there that couldn’t be interpreted as simple jealousy.
Feeling somewhat apologetic, Yumyeong rubbed the bridge of his nose with his hand. Until recently, he would have retorted with ‘what can I do about overflowing with charm’ and gotten under his skin, but somehow he didn’t want to act that way now. Because they were friends.
So Yumyeong chose to smoothly gloss over it.
“…It’s not something I should apologize for, is it?”
“Ha… Right.”
Hakyoung let out a very deep sigh and answered as if he couldn’t help it. Yumyeong lay down lightly beside him and laughed silently.
“When I said I’d help you, it wasn’t empty words.”
“How are you going to help?”
“Well, we’ll think about that from now on…”
As his words trailed off, the surroundings were completely immersed in darkness.
The mountain night was quiet yet bustling. The sound of low-lying grass rubbing against each other as they lay down in the wind, the chirping of insects could be heard. When the breeze touching his skin felt a bit cold, Hakyoung sat up, lit a mosquito coil, and took out blankets that had been provided at the pension.
Hakyoung tossed him a blanket and bluntly said.
“I appreciate you thinking about it. But my first kiss, I’ve already had it.”
“Huh… What?”
Yumyeong jumped up in surprise, rising from his spot without realizing it.
“You’ve done it?”
“Yeah.”
Hakyoung’s calm answer was so shocking it felt like it pierced right through the top of his head. Whether or not he noticed Yumyeong’s gaping mouth, Hakyoung settled back down and lay down again.
“You, after pretending to be so pure all this time, you’ve already had your first kiss?”
“Pure?”
And with that, Hakyoung laughed, “Hmph.” From that tone tinged with mockery, Yumyeong strangely felt a cold sense of betrayal.
As he’d confessed beforehand, he was a virgin, and he’d only experienced pecks, not even kisses. But for this guy who’d been acting like a germaphobe all this time to have actually gotten ahead of him—he simply couldn’t accept that fact. Yumyeong denied reality and asked again.
“Did you… go all the way?”
“Do I have an obligation to tell you?”
“No, but… it’s unfair. After all the times you called me dirty and promiscuous, when you’re actually the experienced one!”
“…”
“Right, I knew it since you came back from America!”
Yumyeong rolled around by himself and buried his head in the mat. After writhing with that inexplicably suffocating feeling, he suddenly raised his head again.
“…It was with a guy, right?”
“Yeah.”
“Wow, it’s really true…”
Yumyeong muttered in a dazed voice. Then Hakyoung, who had been silently watching Yumyeong’s reaction until now, answered.
“All I did was kiss.”
“Ah, really?”
“Yeah.”
“Really?”
“Yeah.”
After receiving confirmation over and over again, Yumyeong laughed, “Ehehe.” At that unguarded laughter that was so foolish it seemed loose, Hakyoung’s heart pounded. For no reason, his throat went dry and he swallowed, his Adam’s apple bobbing.
“Ah, I thought… So you’re a virgin too. Pretending you’re not.”
“…”
“Hey, but then, did you really do it because you liked guys?”
“Yeah.”
“Ha… I don’t get it. Wanting to kiss someone with the same thing attached… How could that be good? When you see guys, do you just feel sexual desire… and… stuff?”
Hakyoung didn’t respond. Even without seeing his expression, Yumyeong could feel he was treating it like nonsense. Still, Yumyeong pressed on to resolve even a bit of the doubt in his heart.
“You can see a naked male body in the mirror every day, you like that?”
“Do you get hard seeing just any woman?”
“Well, no…”
“I’m exactly the same as you. Except for the person I like, whether they’re women or men, they’re all just people.”
“Really? Ha, it’s hard to understand.”
Yumyeong rustled around adjusting his blanket. Hakyoung gazed at him and said.
“You’re weirder for looking at gay people strangely. It’s not like I like just any guy. Throw away your narrow-minded thinking.”
“That’s not it, I just don’t really… have those urges. But you were aware of it clearly enough to know who you desire. Generally, guys know they’re attracted to women, but you felt conviction strong enough to overturn that—I’m just curious about that. I still don’t really know such intense emotions.”
“Sure… when you wanted to date so badly.”
“I don’t care if you don’t believe me. It’s true.”
Yumyeong said while looking at the night sky.
To be precise, what he wanted through dating was to lessen his loneliness. He wanted to know the feeling of having at least one person in the world on his side. He’d been curious if there was someone in the world who would do that for him. If such a person existed, he’d thought the one closest to that might be Heeun.
But Heeun said this emotion wasn’t love.
Does love necessarily have to be accompanied by sexual desire? It felt like the conditions for finding someone on his side were getting more and more demanding. Feeling sad that his wish seemed to be growing as distant as the stars, Yumyeong pulled the blanket up to his neck.
He still couldn’t even imagine what his first lover who would hold his hand might look like—it was too vague.
“I can’t see the stars.”
Yumyeong wriggled inside the blanket and grumbled.
“It’s because you’re distracted. Try focusing quietly.”
“Ah, you have to focus to see stars? How demanding.”
“Your concentration must be lacking.”
“Whatever, tell me about your first kiss.”
“…”
“Was it with that first love you mentioned before?”
“Yeah.”
“What did they look like?”
“That person…”
Hakyoung paused for quite a while. But somehow feeling like he’d talk if he waited, Yumyeong silently waited for him.
“They were the prettiest of anyone I know.”
“What, you judge by looks too.”
“I didn’t like them for their appearance.”
“Hmm.”
“I didn’t like them because they were a guy either. As I kept worrying about my feelings of liking them, I came to realize I could like guys too. It wasn’t like I was picking the guy I liked best among the guys I knew.”
“Right. That doesn’t sound like you.”
“But you’re the opposite. You picked like that from among the people around you.”
“What?”
“It doesn’t matter who the other person is. Plus, you’re loose with everyone—touching, leaning, linking arms—that’s all flirting.”
“When did I.”
Yumyeong reflexively rebelled.
“You did it to me.”
“Huh?”
“…Whenever I show signs of disliking you, you especially try to seduce me. You’re only satisfied when everyone’s on your side.”
Come to think of it, that really seemed to be true. Especially not being able to stand people who were indifferent to him and wanting to win their favor somehow—that was a weakness of his that even Yumyeong himself disliked.
“That’s affection deficiency.”
“Ah, maybe so.”
Yumyeong readily agreed. But he didn’t think it was terribly wrong.
“You’re not qualified to hear it.”
Then suddenly, Hakyoung shut his mouth with those final words. After talking just fine, he unilaterally threw out words of reproach, leaving Yumyeong bewildered.
“What the hell. So petty.”
Yumyeong grumbled.
“Does it seem like only I’m talking?”
“…”
“Then I’ll tell you my story too. Hmm…”
With eyes narrowed, Yumyeong traced through his memories.
“My first love was…”
“…”
“We always listened to music together. Lying side by side on the floor, pressing one ear down… then you could feel the vibrations from the speaker. The wind blowing through the open window, that person’s eyes… Even though it was when I was young, that sensation is vivid. I remember us looking into each other’s eyes like that while lying down, then taking a nap.”
Hakyoung slowly turned his head toward Yumyeong’s profile.
“I can’t remember the title of that song. It was a song my mom liked, and we sang along without even knowing what the lyrics meant. Thinking back later, it was a song kids wouldn’t have looked up to listen to. But later I came to think that was good. Since it wasn’t a pop song, it felt like a song only we knew.”
“…Do you remember how you met that person?”
Hakyoung asked carefully. That voice carried an urgency different from usual. Not noticing this, Yumyeong nodded and unraveled the thread of his memories.
“Of course. I still remember the first time I saw them… Their eyes were really big and clear like mirrors. Eyes so clear you could see a person reflected in them were always glistening, and they cried easily too.”
Yumyeong’s tone as he spoke happily was tinged with laughter. It was a voice that revealed affection for his childhood memories and first love. In the darkness, Hakyoung’s eyes desperately traced over Yumyeong’s face.
“They were shy but curious about everything. They wanted to touch a ladybug but lost it… Did they cry? So I drew them a ladybug. They liked it.”
Clearly the two were sharing the same memory. Confirming this, a more tumultuous wind than ever blew through Hakyoung’s heart.
You idiot, Shin Yumyeong.
You didn’t cry because you lost the ladybug.
It was because I suddenly thrust a bug in front of you and you were startled.
And you arbitrarily adapted it and thought of it that way…
Still…
I was happy you remembered.
Even if Yumyeong didn’t know his identity, just hearing childhood stories from his mouth made him happy. But if he found out that ‘Yeong’ was him, what expression would Yumyeong make? Hakyoung’s heart pounded with mixed anticipation and anxiety.
