I opened the group chat that had accumulated messages. Inside was already only talk about Kang Sehyun.
Im Jungwoo: [The internet is going totally crazy]
Jang Gijae: [Everything’s already been posted it seems]
Park Junsung: [Did you get in touch with Sehyun?]
Seo Gihyun: [No his phone isn’t working either]
Seo Gihyun: [I’ll try Sungha first]
Everyone was just saying they were shocked, with no detailed content. The three characters for “internet” caught my eye, so I opened the window again.
In the window where I’d searched for my stepfather’s name just moments ago, the three characters for Kang Sehyun floated at the very top. There must surely be hundreds of people in this world with the same name, yet ridiculously, I knew at once it was my lover.
「Hyunsae Group, Sea Group, Cha Hyomin」
The things that came up together were all too clear. Next to Kang Sehyun’s name were only words that suited him extremely well. Hyunsae Group and Sea Group, two of Korea’s representative corporations, and his ex-girlfriend with even a pretty name.
The internet was plastered with speculative articles about Kang Sehyun, his girlfriend, and their future.
Among them, what I knew was at best only a portion. Only a very partial amount, not even half of half. Whether the rest I didn’t know, or if it was all lies—I could only know by meeting Kang Sehyun.
Perhaps because I’d expected it to some degree, the shock was less than I thought. I learned he was in a higher place than I’d expected, but Kang Sehyun had been in an unreachable place from the start unless he reached out his hand first.
I suddenly lost energy.
When was it that I’d boldly come all the way here—if I met Kang Sehyun now, I felt I wouldn’t be able to open my mouth at all. Not about my story, not about Kang Sehyun’s story. It felt like I wouldn’t be able to say anything at all.
Just how far would this misfortune continue?
* * *
In the end, I couldn’t meet Kang Sehyun.
Because of reporters who came looking like ghosts knowing everything, it was too much to recklessly visit the ownerless officetel. I quietly slipped out of the officetel before making things bigger.
In the meantime, the road after morning rush hour had ended was desolate. In just an hour, the same road had completely changed. The sky was overcast as if it would surely snow.
When I turned on the radio out of habit, Christmas carols started playing even though there were still several weeks left.
‘Should I not go?’
‘Where?’
‘Korea.’
‘Isn’t the point that you can’t not go? You said you absolutely have to go this time.’
Just a few days ago, Kang Sehyun had again worried over something he’d already repeated several times.
‘Do you hate going that much? Because of work?’
‘As if.’
‘……Is it because of me by any chance?’
‘Yeah. Summer would be one thing, but I really wanted to spend winter break together.’
I couldn’t understand why the 3-month summer break was fine but the winter break that was only 3 weeks was regrettable. When I asked the reason, a very Kang Sehyun-like answer came back.
‘Christmas is coming soon.’
Following Valentine’s Day, what was there so much to commemorate? To Kang Sehyun who had a serious expression, I said this.
‘We can spend it together next year.’
Since we’d be together every year anyway, there was no need to specially celebrate only this year. Then Kang Sehyun smiled as if satisfied with my answer.
Could we really be together next year?
They say other people worry about an uncertain future, but I always worried about the present. Living moment by moment was more important, so I’d rather lived with the vague hope that things would be a bit better later than this. So I’d believed that anxiety about a future that hadn’t arrived was something only people with leisure did, but I could no longer think that way.
Until meeting Kang Sehyun, I’d only thought of a future with just me in it, but after dating Kang Sehyun, I imagined a future together. Whichever I thought about, the future me seemed like I could be very happy.
But could Kang Sehyun, not me, really be happy in that future?
Until now, I’d thought Kang Sehyun had the leisure I lacked. I thought Kang Sehyun who had everything would never live worrying moment by moment like me. But I realized that thought of mine was completely wrong. Instead of gaining a guaranteed future, he was living the present more fiercely because of the burden he’d have to shoulder later. For Kang Sehyun, this moment right now was more important than to anyone else.
And I wasn’t confident I could make Kang Sehyun happy during those few remaining moments.
Even right now, there was nothing I could do for him.
Although I was worried about Kang Sehyun who was surely sighing somewhere, I couldn’t hide my circumstances and ask if he was okay. When I couldn’t even solve my own problem right in front of me, who was comforting whom?
No matter how many dozens, hundreds of times I thought about it, there was nothing to gain from us being together.
Since when did I start calculating such things about being with you?
Unexpectedly, the answer came too easily. The answer was already decided from the start, without even needing to worry.
Next year too, and after that as well, it seemed we couldn’t be together.
I came back to the apartment and immediately packed.
Ridiculously, even at a time like this, I had things I absolutely had to do. That was fortunate, rather.
Amazingly, I was fine. When several things hit all at once, my mind was rather so okay that it was scary.
That evening, a call came from an unknown number. It was Kang Sehyun.
– Sorry.
As soon as I heard his voice, my breath caught.
What was the apology for saying sorry? Was he sorry for not being able to contact me until now? Or was he sorry for not talking about his family until now? Or if not that, was there something else he had to be sorry about?
– I don’t think I can make it today.
That one sentence explained his entire situation.
“Yeah. Got it.”
I couldn’t give any other answer besides those words. I had a lot to say, but there were no words I could bring up first.
– I changed my plane ticket. I’ll go to Seattle and enter Korea on a different flight from there.
“When do you leave?”
– ……Soon. I’ll have to leave without seeing your face.
Everything was okay, but that was a bit regrettable. So much so.
I heard a sigh from the other end of the line. I’m really sorry. I heard muttering too.
– I have a lot to say, but I have to go in right away, so I’ll say it later.
“Yeah.”
– ……Don’t you have anything to say?
“I do. But you said you have to go in. I’ll say it later.”
– I don’t want to. Say it now, just.
Until now I’d liked when Kang Sehyun said he didn’t want to, but now I hated it. Just say okay. If he did that, I might be able to shake off this crazy thought in the meantime.
I thought that when misfortunes came all at once, it would naturally be harder, but there was actually a good point too. That there was no time to prepare mentally. That even if another unbearably difficult thing happened, it just became one of the misfortunes I was experiencing. And,
“Then, let’s break up.”
That I could very simply say words I could never normally say.
My overloaded head couldn’t fulfill its role, forgot everything it had remembered until now, and made a foolish decision. Otherwise, how could I dare let go of a guy like Kang Sehyun?
– ……Say that again.
The voice that came a beat late was colder than expected.
“Let’s break up.”
– Why.
“When someone says let’s break up, what other reason is there? I just can’t handle this relationship, so let’s break up.”
It was something Kang Sehyun had once said to someone else. What other reason is there when someone says let’s break up? Those words that must have been very sad for someone, I was now saying them to Kang Sehyun.
Did this even make sense?
– Is my background burdensome?
“Yeah. Very much.”
– You were fine when you didn’t know.
“It’s not burdensome because I found out. I already knew your family was well-off.”
– Then why now all of a sudden?
“It’s burdensome that it’s not just known to me but known to everyone else.”
I hated myself for saying such things.
– The articles are being handled. And you know this kind of thing will quickly be forgotten from the heads of people who aren’t interested. It’s not like your face was revealed either.
“Still, it’ll eventually be known. You’re going to join your company after graduating anyway.”
– So what. So what if it’s known. Will that be any different from now in us dating?
No.
Whether the name was known or the face was known, the fact that we were lovers was a secret only the two of us knew. We could just be like now, just as close friends. In fact, if only I could do that, I wanted to remain by Kang Sehyun’s side forever like that.
When I thought that, I suddenly became afraid. Afraid that no one would remain by Kang Sehyun’s side.
I’d been alone until now, so even if I’d forgotten loneliness and gotten used to warmth in the meantime, I thought I could just get used to loneliness again, but I hoped Kang Sehyun wouldn’t.
My heart shook wildly. I shouldn’t be like this.
“Please, can’t you just break up with me? I really don’t think I can handle it.”
Kang Sehyun didn’t say anything for several seconds. And what came back was an unexpected statement.
– If you say it like that, I can’t hold onto you.
I thought it was the most foolish thing in the world to say let’s break up while hoping the other person would hold you back. I’d realized it watching Kang Sehyun’s romance that repeated like a loop for several years.
So I didn’t hope he’d hold me back from the start. Because even if I said let’s break up several times, if it was Kang Sehyun, he wouldn’t hold on even once. Since that was how it was with his relationship with her, I believed it would be the same this time.
But he said he couldn’t hold on, not that he wouldn’t hold on.
To me, those were more meaningful words than any love confession.
“Right. So don’t hold on.”
– …….
“Let’s only go this far, us.”
It was easy to bring up the words, but while pouring out so much, forgotten emotions rushed in.
I was angry. Because I didn’t understand by what qualification I was saying such things to Kang Sehyun.
I was angry again. At least don’t make me let go of happiness with my own hands—I wondered if there was such a shitty case as this.
I was resentful. Just, all of this, everything.
Just as we’d naturally been drawn to each other and become lovers, our breakup was like that too. My first relationship that had only happiness ended with just one phone call.
“Take care.”
That one sentence was our farewell.
