Reason
Kang Sehyun
“I want to at least kiss you right now.”
At those words, the answer I expected came.
“…Crazy.”
At some point, Kwon Sungha started blurting out his inner thoughts without realizing it himself. Just now too, he muttered in an audible voice what he’d only meant to say internally. ‘Are you in your right mind?’
I’m perfectly in my right mind though.
“Can’t I?”
“Did you think I’d say yes?”
“You said you could listen to anything if I said it now.”
“Still, that’s too much.”
“Why.”
“Right now is too much.”
“That’s why I’m asking why. You said you’d adjust quickly.”
“I said quickly, not right now.”
“I think there’s no faster way to adjust than this.”
Kwon Sungha, who was about to say something more, closed his mouth. With his face flushed red from fever and looking flustered, he was strangely adorable.
Ah. I really want to kiss him.
Starting with that thought, indecent thoughts kept coming to mind. With very thin reason, I was barely suppressing instincts that felt like they’d burst at any moment.
But Kwon Sungha, unaware of my feelings, was only thinking about excuses to dodge this way and that. His pitch-black pupils shook anxiously.
“I’ll try to make an effort. But not right now.”
And then I was kicked out.
“I’m sleepy, so you go.”
With those as his last words.
***
I’d anticipated that dating Kwon Sungha wouldn’t be easy at all, but I actually realized it yesterday.
Yesterday afternoon, from the first time we properly faced each other after we started dating.
As soon as the meeting that ran later than expected ended, I hurried to the officetel. Just the thought that Kwon Sungha was already there made the distance of mere minutes feel as far as several hours away.
“You’re here?”
The moment I saw his face, more than simple gladness arose—emotions beyond that. To hide such unfamiliar feelings, I asked questions I wouldn’t normally ask.
“What were you doing?”
“Reading a book.”
“Did you have something to study?”
“No. I just borrowed that for a bit.”
He was holding a book that really didn’t suit him, so I frowned without realizing it. Wondering if there was a side of him I didn’t know about, I continued the conversation, and that was exactly the problem.
“Did you like this kind of thing?”
“No. It’s my first time. I saw it lying around.”
“How was it?”
“I’m not sure yet. Honestly… it’s a bit hard to understand.”
“Then why read it? Read something else.”
“It’s a completely unfamiliar field, so I was curious. Have you read it all?”
“No. It’s not mine.”
“It was on the bookshelf, so whose is it then?”
“My girlfriend’s.”
The moment I said it, I thought ‘oh no.’ I’d made an absurd mistake, completely forgetting the fact that we were now lovers, not friends. Especially when the other person knows you too well, I should have been that much more careful.
“I thought so. I was about to be surprised by an unexpected taste. I thought there was a side of you I didn’t know about.”
I always noticed Kwon Sungha’s clumsy lies. Watching him try to forcibly smooth things over, heavier guilt settled on me.
But that was just the beginning. The real serious problem was separate.
“You’re not a guest, so there’s no need to go to that room. From now on, here.”
When I stopped him from going to the guest room, Kwon Sungha obediently followed without much protest. The atmosphere that had been fine until then became awkward in an instant when his calm steps hesitated in front of the bed.
“Don’t just stand there, hurry and lie down.”
“Uh… Okay.”
His movements climbing onto the bed were particularly slow. It was a movement that clearly showed he’d had no particular thoughts until he followed me, then only realized reality when he saw the bed. Sure enough, his expression was stiffly frozen.
What am I supposed to do with a kid like this?
“Go to sleep first.”
I spoke indifferently, but inside I was burning up. Seeing Kwon Sungha in my bed, covered with my blanket, felt strange. It was a scene I’d never once imagined.
Kwon Sungha nodded silently at my words. Each time his small head moved back and forth, one side of my chest tickled.
Ah. I want to touch him.
When I came to my senses, my hand was already floating in the air, and I stroked his head instead of caressing his soft cheek as I’d been about to do.
Isn’t this a bit much, when he’s not even a child? At an age when even kissing and more wouldn’t be enough, skinship at the level of a turtle’s crawl. Every time I met those clear eyes, I hesitated, feeling like an idiot.
As soon as I left the room, I immediately regretted it.
Sleep first, what sleep first.
Like an idiot who’d never even held hands before, I’d kicked away an opportunity that rolled in. Surely something somewhere in me must be broken. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have done something this stupid.
The reason things that had always been easy suddenly became difficult wasn’t because Kwon Sungha was a man. More than that, it was a problem with the person himself.
The Kwon Sungha I know. Kwon Sungha who always walks the straight path without a single deviation. Moral and rational Kwon Sungha. With someone like that, I had absolutely no sense of where to start putting my hands on him. When he gets that flustered just from having his head stroked.
“Haah…”
I smoked a cigarette, skimmed through this year’s business plan that noona had desperately begged me to read, and entered the room well past 2 AM. Kwon Sungha was sleeping with his body turned toward the outside of the bed, tightly gripping the edge of the blanket.
How can even your sleeping figure be so like you?
I stood in front of him and watched him sleep for a long time. Amazingly, my heart pounded at a face I saw every day. If liking someone was like this, then surely I’d never properly liked anyone until now.
The feeling of liking someone was truly amazing. With just that one feeling alone, the other person felt new.
Kwon Sungha as a lover was new every day, and so I was curious about tomorrow. Wondering what different side of Kwon Sungha I’d learn about tomorrow.
I went and lay down next to Kwon Sungha, who was sleeping soundly without tossing. Despite the quite large movement, the other person didn’t budge. Thump. Thump. My heart swelled at each of his breaths.
I slipped my arm in and embraced his waist from behind. At the feeling of him being thinner than I thought, I frowned without realizing it. After a few minutes like that, my hand of its own accord swept over his flat chest and firm shoulders. The unfamiliar feeling made me even hotter, driving me crazy. Just from holding him in my arms, familiar sensations stood up obtrusively without reading the room.
I did everything I could. To turn my attention elsewhere, I kept trying to think of other things in my head. But once I became conscious of it, only one thought circled endlessly. A long time passed before I fell asleep.
And when I opened my eyes, the space beside me was empty.
Thinking maybe I’d woken up late, I checked my phone, but the alarm I’d set to match Kwon Sungha’s departure time was unchanged. At a time before even 8 o’clock, Kwon Sungha was already gone. I knew he’d left first, unable to bear the awkwardness.
Quite absurdly, it was a place I’d slept alone every day, but in just one day, being alone became unfamiliar. Looking at the coldly cooled sheets, I suddenly felt empty.
That was exactly this morning.
But after running away like that, to casually suggest staying over and sleeping again.
‘Should I just stay and sleep? I think you’ll be tired.’
What’s more, Kwon Sungha asking that really seemed unbothered. He clearly hadn’t thought at all that I’d be sleeping with him in the same bed.
Just how innocent can you be?
‘I want to at least kiss you right now.’
I said that half-intending to tease, but it absolutely wasn’t empty words. More seriously than ever, with sincerity, that’s what I said. Though I had no idea he’d turn this serious and kick me out.
I realized it in just one day.
Dating Kwon Sungha is difficult.
Too difficult.
Drrrk-.
When I arrived at the officetel, it was already 1 AM. Just as I was taking off my shoes at the entrance, my phone vibrated briefly in my pocket. Looking at the screen, I thought for a moment I’d misread the sender. It had been quite a while since I’d left Kwon Sungha’s apartment, yet a message came from someone who should be sleeping soundly by now.
Debtor: [Did you arrive safely?]
When it came to anything related to Kwon Sungha, I felt like an idiot. Just from receiving a message asking if I’d arrived safely from someone who’d coldly kicked me out just a few dozen minutes ago, all the resentment remaining in my heart completely disappeared.
He definitely seemed about to fall asleep, but he still hasn’t slept yet—what has he been doing?
As if that wasn’t enough, now I was worried. Thinking of Kwon Sungha’s tired face, I even felt guilty wondering if I should have stayed by his side somehow. I couldn’t be more of an idiot than this.
Me: [Why aren’t you sleeping]
The reply arrived in just a few seconds, as if he’d been waiting.
Debtor: [Can’t sleep]
He said he was sleepy so I should go. At the obvious lie, I laughed incredulously. When he kicked me out and then once he actually sent me away, it seems he felt sorry.
Me: [Still go to sleep quickly]
Debtor: [I was about to sleep now anyway]
My emotions were already being led around by Kwon Sungha. It was like that before we started, and the same after we started. I felt hurt by the single phrase about feeling indebted, and just from briefly wearing someone else’s thing I got angry, but I was excited all day long just from one person’s existence.
My quiet heart struggled from the moment I opened my eyes until the moment I fell asleep. Even these emotions that jumped around several times a day were happiness to me.
Debtor: [Good night]
Could two words saying good night make my heart stir this much?
It seemed like I wouldn’t sleep well tonight.
