“Sungha!”
Mom, whom I met after a long time, had gotten her hair cut shorter in the meantime. Her hair, which had come down to her chest just a few months ago, now barely touched her shoulders. Mom, who always kept her hair straight saying she hated the smell of perming solution, suited the short bob cut well, not befitting her age of over forty. As much as her outward appearance, her inner heart was still like a girl’s.
“You cut your hair.”
“Yeah. I changed my style a bit since my son was coming.”
“It suits you well.”
“Really?”
At times like this, I had to act like I noticed. And I knew well that I had to add compliments too, so Mom wouldn’t feel disappointed.
“Welcome. Was it hard getting here?”
“What’s hard about it?”
Her small body that barely reached my chest hugged my large body tightly. Mom always hugged like this with such weak strength that it was barely felt. Her already thin arms felt even thinner.
“My son, didn’t you eat? You look like you lost weight.”
“Look who’s talking, Mom.”
“Mom is paying expensive money to lose weight on purpose. Why did you lose so much weight? Was there something difficult?”
“What difficult thing? I was busy this way and that after moving to Chicago. And recently I was busy because of exams.”
“Still, you should eat properly. This won’t do. I should at least make you take herbal medicine while you’re in Korea.”
“I don’t need to take that stuff, Mom.”
“Oh my. Just wait and see. Ma’am!”
While Mom talked with the housekeeper, I went inside carrying my suitcase. It was a house I’d come to after a long time, but I didn’t feel affectionate or nostalgic at all. It was a place that was just uncomfortable whenever I came.
“Sungha.”
Before going up to the second floor, I turned around once more at the sound calling me.
“Are you hungry? Just change your clothes and come down. Let’s eat dinner right away. Dad said he’d be here soon too. He’s been busy these days because it’s the end of the year and always comes after 10, but when I told him you were coming today, he said he’d come early, you know?”
Just hearing the word ‘dad’ already made me feel like I couldn’t digest anything. The dinner gathering arranged exactly once every time I came to Korea. I just had to endure it once, but it wasn’t easy. No matter how luxurious the food that came out on the hard marble dining table was, I always got sick after eating.
“I’ll be right back.”
Click.
When I opened the door on the far right of the second floor, the perfectly organized room came into view at a glance. Even though it had been over five years since we moved to this house, it still seemed to smell like a new house. The reason I felt especially little sense of living was because I had so few belongings here.
“She changed it again.”
There were curtains I hadn’t seen before at the window. Even while I was away, Mom would sometimes come into this room and gradually decorate or change the empty room. So there was always something new every time I came.
‘Why do you keep buying things? For a room with no owner.’
‘Because I think of my son. And what do you mean no owner? This is your room and your house.’
Still my mom who only has me.
That’s why I didn’t want to tell her even more. How cold the person Mom loves is. Because I didn’t want to shatter Mom’s life, where she said she was happiest now. I hoped she would live such a happy life, spending peaceful days without lacking anything with a caring husband.
Sora said I matured too quickly. That’s why she felt sorry for me. But I thought it was fortunate. That it was really fortunate that I could read the room, notice moods, and please others better than anyone. If it hadn’t been that way, my young heart might have become twisted for no reason and shattered Mom’s happiness.
“What’s this now?”
Where I put down my suitcase, there was a shopping bag with a familiar logo. Inside were two thick winter knits. It was a brand I often wore.
My emotions were complicated every time I came to Korea. Even though I had a mom waiting for me like this, guilt would bloom whenever I thought I didn’t want to return to this house, to this place.
Ah. I already want to go back.
* * *
Just past eight o’clock, that person came.
The face I only saw exactly twice a year was the same every time I saw it, and the wrinkle-free outfit was still perfect. That person, when I first saw him and even now, just seemed big.
“You’re here?”
When I greeted him first, my stepfather looked me over from head to toe in front of the entrance, then opened his mouth a beat late.
“You came.”
The moment I heard his voice, I felt suffocated.
“Ah! Honey, you’re here? We were just waiting eagerly for you with Sungha. Hurry and change your clothes. Sungha, you sit down. I’ve set the table already.”
Led by Mom’s hand, I sat at the dining table first. The various appetizing side dishes didn’t catch my eye at all. I just looked at the empty chair in the center and remembered what I’d forgotten.
I forgot. This was that feeling.
The emotion I felt toward that person wasn’t simply something like hatred or resentment. I’d never had such feelings. Rather, when I was young, I tried to look good to that indifferent person. To be loved somehow.
But at some point, beyond indifference, I saw hatred and resentment in that person’s eyes. The cold gaze looking down at me and the cold expression were stuck in my head and wouldn’t erase. From then on, I was afraid of that person. My heart would skip just from seeing his face, just from hearing his voice, afraid of how he would look at me this time, what he would say to me.
It was strange. Until now, I hadn’t been flustered by anything or afraid of anything, but just sitting in this seat made me anxious.
How pathetic, Kwon Sungha.
“Let’s eat.”
As always, the dinner wasn’t the worst or the best. Mom led most of the conversation, and whenever Mom said something or asked a question, I chimed in or answered appropriately here and there.
The only thing that person said to me was one question about how university was. It was a formal question, definitely not out of curiosity or concern.
“It’s fine.”
“I see.”
Naturally, words like ‘work hard’ or ‘hang in there’ didn’t come back.
“Ah, right. Didn’t Gijun also say he came back after a long time?”
“Right. He came back last week.”
I almost choked suddenly. My already uncomfortable stomach felt like it would really get indigestion when an unwelcome name came up.
Kang Gijun.
My one and only stepbrother. A person who looks similar to that person but only does cunning things.
I don’t know what he said or how he said it, but at some point Mom thought my stepbrother and I were very close. She even believed that person, who only does bad things relying on his father’s money, takes care of me like a real older brother.
“I was grateful he took care of our Sungha during this time, but I was so busy this time I couldn’t even greet him properly. I should at least buy him something delicious.”
“You don’t need to worry about such things. He thinks of him as his younger brother and did it, it’s not like he wanted something.”
“Still. Last time I tried to give him pocket money but he refused until the end saying it was okay, so I couldn’t give it. Remember?”
“That kid, I wonder who he takes after with that stubbornness.”
“He must take after you. Where does the Kang stubbornness go?”
Are Kangs stubborn? Well, Kang Sehyun is stubborn too.
Come to think of it, the only existence in the world I’m afraid of, and the only existence in the world I dislike—both have the surname Kang.
“Now that Sungha went to Chicago, we won’t have many chances to see each other, so honey, arrange a dinner for the four of us.”
“Mm, I’ll ask.”
My mouth felt gritty because of the rice grains that wouldn’t go down. I carefully put down my chopsticks and picked up the water glass next to me.
“You’re done eating already?”
“Yeah, I’m full.”
“How much did he eat to already be full?”
“It’s because I just got off the plane. You don’t digest well when you ride for a long time.”
“Still… It’s not that it didn’t suit your taste, is it? Should we have eaten out……”
“I said no.”
“Then at least eat some fruit. They say apples are good for digestion. I’ll peel one for you now so eat it before you go up.”
To not ruin Mom’s mood, I barely shoved the fruit that came out as dessert into my mouth. The dinner, which lasted barely an hour, felt longer than usual. When I returned to my room early using fatigue as an excuse, the clock was pointing to nine.
I headed straight to the bathroom. As my body, stiff from the long flight, loosened smoothly in the hot water, the fatigue I’d forgotten came rushing in. Still, thanks to someone, I rested comfortably in first class, so it was much better than other times.
After finishing my shower, I sat on one side of the bed in a daze. I definitely seemed tired, but sleep didn’t come, perhaps because of the time difference.
Does time not pass like this?
One second, two seconds, time was too slow today in particular. It seemed like I’d been here for a while, but only one minute had passed.
Eventually, I opened my phone that I’d tossed to one side and rummaged through my contact list. Even though there were quite a few people who would want to meet if I told them I came to Korea, I just hesitated about whether to contact them and then didn’t.
Buzz—.
About 30 minutes had passed, maybe. I was spending boring time reading uninteresting internet articles when a message came. A message that normally I would have just thought ‘I see’ about felt welcome.
Kang Sehyun: [Did you get there okay?]
How affectionate.
It was kindness that really didn’t suit him no matter when I saw it. And I was getting used to that kindness.
Me: [Of course. What about you?]
Kang Sehyun: [Me too]
Me: [What are you doing]
Kang Sehyun: [Smoking]
Ah. I want to smoke too.
For Mom who hates smoking, I didn’t smoke at home at least. She probably vaguely knows from the smell on my clothes or body, but still, I didn’t want to create something to openly worry about, so I didn’t smoke, but it was a bit difficult on nights when sleep wouldn’t come occasionally.
Kang Sehyun: [What about you]
Me: [Just here]
Right after I sent the reply, this time a call came.
— Why are you just there?
