I considered pretending to be asleep and leaving it at that, but got up.
Once Kwon Seonho started getting angry, he was truly unreasonable. The longer the struggle went on, the more tired the security guards outside would get.
‘Plus, if he can’t get in, he’ll take it out on them…’
I hated Kwon Seonho’s irritation that poured down like a disaster. So it was better to humor him appropriately and then send him away.
As I got up, my vision spun briefly and I nearly pitched forward. I somehow managed to avoid falling by bracing against the wall, but a stinging sensation arose inside my arm.
“…Ah.”
It seemed the IV line had been pulled taut and the needle had come out. Looking at it with troubled eyes, I pulled down my patient gown sleeve and stepped out into the hallway.
“Ah, you came out.”
I bowed my head to the security guards who had been struggling to block Kwon Seonho.
“I’m sorry. Could you step away for just 30 minutes?”
The two people looked back and forth between me and Kwon Seonho, then silently withdrew.
“What brings you here?”
Kwon Seonho raised his eyebrows crookedly, sensing something subtle in my strangely distanced tone, the fact that I said 30 minutes would be enough, and my attitude of not inviting him into the hospital room.
“What brings me? Do we only meet when there’s business?”
The lie about losing my memory was convenient. Because I didn’t need to actively deny those words. It even felt refreshing that with one act of not knowing, our relationship was treated as if it had never even started.
Kwon Seonho, who had been meeting my clear gaze, let out a hollow laugh.
“Wow. This is kind of unfair, you know? When were you following me around saying how much you liked me? You know what? We were dating.”
“We were?”
“Yeah. We were lovers. You and me.”
It was what the me of one time most wanted to hear, what the me of one day clung to like a lifeline, and what I was disheartened by when it was completely denied.
It was amazing. Now I couldn’t feel any sentiment from those words. A dull, vague emotion rose and disappeared, like pressing down on anesthetized skin.
“Is that so? I’m sorry.”
I replied with a slight bow of my head.
“Right now, I feel nothing when I look at you.”
“Haha, fuck. Ijae. How much are you going to regret this after you get your memory back? Huh?”
Would I regret it? No way. There was nothing more regrettable in my life than the fever called you.
“Well… that aside. What’s with the sudden VIP ward? Did Seo Nakil move you there?”
“…Yes.”
“What’s the relationship between you two? Were you really close? Since when?”
I don’t know. Seo Nakil, the party who lied, didn’t even attempt to flesh out his own words. I smiled awkwardly and answered.
“How could I remember that when I’m even bewildered by the fact that I’m part of Starium?”
“Is that so? Well. I thought you were close with someone important, so I wondered if you were doing sponsorships behind my back.”
Sponsorships. At those two syllables, it felt like all the blood drained from my body.
“It’s a joke, a joke. Since your face is so pretty, wouldn’t rich bastards try to get involved with you that way? You heard it often during this promotion too, that your looks got even better.”
Kwon Seonho said it was a joke, but it wasn’t pleasant at all. Rather, I felt drenched in insult. I forced the corners of my mouth up.
“Is that what you came to ask?”
“Ah, no. That’s not it.”
Only then did his expression become a bit more serious, as if he remembered the real reason he came here.
“Are you going to suspend activities?”
“…”
“The kids were saying. With your memory like this, it might be hard to join in, and it could lead to suspension of activities, right? As you know, we’re not a group that looks far ahead. So once you suspend, it’s practically the same as withdrawing…”
It wouldn’t be words worrying that my dream of desperately wanting to become an idol might collapse here.
As expected, the words that followed were so very Kwon Seonho.
“If someone who just started gaining popularity suddenly drops out, wouldn’t the rumors spread badly? Like pushing out the lower-ranked members.”
I actually remembered discord rumors circulating about Starium several times in the early days. Not only were there noticeably close members set, but ‘For Starium’ 1st place Min Seungwoo and 2nd place Kwon Seonho often clashed.
‘The one who actually treated people differently by ranking was Kwon Seonho, though…’
He probably didn’t really want to kick them out. Because he was the type who thought he got attention by having those people exist beneath him.
“You worked pretty hard.”
He said in quite a serious voice.
“Even during the gap period, you ran individual schedules trying to establish yourself somehow, and you went to all those unknown local events without skipping any, saying you’d do anything as long as you could sing.”
That was true. Without proper support, I rode intercity buses and often skipped meals because I was busy.
What was I so desperate for that I wore myself down like that? Things I once thought were my everything somehow looked a bit pathetic now.
“If you promote, your memory might recover faster, right? Anyway, there’s some time until the next album. Hyung will take over the variety show casting that came in.”
So that’s the goal. A school concept variety show in a few weeks.
Kwon Seonho had shown regret in his usual way about wanting to appear on that program. Now that things turned out this way, it seemed he planned to achieve what he wanted while pretending to be for me.
I could see right through him, but I didn’t care either way. Picking at such things felt too trivial.
“Go ahead then.”
I was thinking about suspending activities while pretending my memory was unstable, and even going further to withdraw from the group. But that wasn’t something I could do just because I wanted to.
‘I’ll have to talk it over well with the agency…’
Plus, if Seo Nakil, who was excessively concerned about me, added all sorts of tests, things would get even more complicated. This crude lie I fabricated was inadequate to leap over the high, high wall of modern medicine.
I should send Kwon Seonho away first and then talk to Seo Nakil when he comes—I was thinking that when.
“Is the VIP room this way…”
Recognizing the person who appeared soon after, I muttered in a flustered voice.
“Haesol hyung?”
Flustered by the appearance of someone I hadn’t even expected to come, I ended up acknowledging that I knew him.
‘Arcus’ leader, Ahn Haesol. Like Kwon Seonho and me, he was from ‘For Starium,’ but with a very narrow vote difference, his fate diverged from mine and he wasn’t selected for the debut group.
As if to prove that such misfortune couldn’t dare ruin his life, Ahn Haesol found his own path. Eventually, he moved to Midnight Entertainment, counted among the top three major domestic agencies, led a new project, and rose to the top tier as soon as he debuted.
Though it was a diverged fate, I liked Ahn Haesol. Inherently kind and upright, he took care of me attentively throughout filming, and I too trusted and followed him like a hyung. It was a friendship I had long regretted becoming distant after people started talking this and that about our relationship.
“What.”
At my mistake that slipped out unconsciously, Kwon Seonho’s eyes sharpened.
“You recognize Ahn Haesol?”
“Recognize me, what do you mean by that?”
“Uh…”
During the brief silence, countless thoughts crossed my mind. Cold sweat seeped slickly down my spine.
“That… I saw a video, in the hospital room.”
I hastily covered it up.
“‘For Starium.’ I saw it there. I was calling him Haesol hyung, right?”
Kwon Seonho’s suspicious glare and Ahn Haesol’s flustered gaze flew at me simultaneously.
“I have a bit of a problem with my memory right now.”
“It wasn’t just collapsing from overwork? Don’t tell me Seonho, you don’t know either?”
“Yeah. Thanks to that, I’m fucking wronged too. Haven’t you had any tests done? You moved rooms but didn’t spend money on tests? Doesn’t Seo Nakil have money to spare?”
“Seo Nakil?”
“He’s apparently his guardian.”
Ahn Haesol muttered “Seo Nakil” with quite a serious expression. Since it was such an uncommon name, he immediately thought of him and looked at us with a surprised expression.
Then he quietly observed me and soon let out a sigh.
“I really have a lot I want to ask… but it doesn’t seem like the right situation. Seeing you out in the hallway, it looks like there are some visiting restrictions, right?”
Even though we hadn’t interacted in the meantime, his favorable attitude hadn’t changed. At his naturally caring manner, I nodded my head deeply with gratitude.
Ahn Haesol’s gentle consideration didn’t end there.
“So Seonho, you come out here too. Don’t confuse a sick kid.”
As expected, Kwon Seonho bristled at those words. Just like him, who hated terribly when someone tried to teach him.
“Anyway, what is it about getting a leader position that makes you a old fart? I’m the one who’s close, but what are they… Ah, forget it. I’ll stop by after the event the day after tomorrow, so figure something out. When the manager comes, bring up the variety show thing first. Got it?”
Kwon Seonho deliberately bumped Ahn Haesol’s shoulder as he passed and walked away with thudding footsteps. Since it had been his habit to obstruct like that since the program filming, instead of getting newly angry, Ahn Haesol just shrugged his shoulders.
“You still let Seonho push you around? Even without memory.”
As I was considering whether to let Ahn Haesol into the room for a bit since he seemed okay, he tapped my hand and said gently.
“Don’t accommodate him too much, Ijae. You can see he’s not the type to care about anyone. Right?”
Right. I swallowed those words and smiled awkwardly.
I had been pushed around by Kwon Seonho for years, pretending not to see what was obvious. Did I really not know that the self-centered him was just using me as he pleased?
Maybe I just didn’t want to know. Because I liked Kwon Seonho too much.
Sparkling, tangy, and seemingly sweet—junk food that I kept in my mouth to the end even knowing my whole body would be ruined. To me, Kwon Seonho was that kind of existence.
“As I said earlier, I want to come once more before you’re discharged. I can’t help but worry.”
After thinking for a moment, he took out a business card and pressed it into my hand.
“If it’s okay, I’d appreciate it if you could send the discharge date to the contact written here.”
His voice was kind as he added that if he didn’t hear back, he’d take it as a refusal.
“Still, I’m glad you have a guardian. I’ll get going. Rest well.”
“Um…”
I impulsively called out to Ahn Haesol as he was leaving.
“Were we close?”
Originally, we had gradually grown distant to the point of becoming strangers. It had been that way even before all sorts of unfair scandals broke out.
I had been quite sad about that fact, and I was curious if perhaps I was the only one who thought we were close.
Ahn Haesol, who had been silently looking at me, answered with a small smile.
“Yeah. At least I thought so.”
“…”
“But I ran away. Actually, I came today because I wanted to apologize for that.”
“…Why?”
I’d never heard such words before. I moved my dry lips and asked.
“Why did you run away?”
He raised his head, which had been slightly lowered.
“Because I didn’t want to be hated by you.”
It was a somehow slightly sad-looking smile.
