Seo Nakil was a very suspicious man. He suddenly appeared, spouted absurd lies, and only confused me.
His words were neither logical nor rational. He was as unpredictable and chaotic as me, who had died and rewound two years back.
But I didn’t press Seo Nakil about it.
Not because he had no reason to be questioned. Not because I felt sorry for doubting him, who had been kind in his own way even though we’d barely been involved directly.
‘I’m exhausted.’
Whether it was suspicion or resentment, it all required energy. Now even being curious about anyone felt troublesome and arduous.
Besides, I had lost everything and fallen to rock bottom. So even if Seo Nakil suddenly changed and tried to harm me, there was nothing to fear. A life that died once—there was no reason to feel wronged dying a second time.
I pulled the blanket over my head and squeezed my eyes shut. Fortunately, my body complained of damp fatigue, and my consciousness submerged deep down once again.
* * *
The next day, I moved hospital rooms.
“Is there a particular reason you must move to a single room?”
“I’d like to ask the opposite. Is there a reason it must be this room? We don’t know when the opposite bed will be filled, and above all, it’s an old, cramped space that will be inconvenient in many ways.”
“I think this is pretty good. First of all, it’s the largest university hospital in this area…”
“Well. My opinion differs.”
Seeing the new hospital room I moved to following Seo Nakil’s stubbornness, I understood why he gave an unfavorable evaluation of an ordinary double room. The VIP-only room, the only one on the floor beyond just a single room, looked more like a hotel than a hospital.
“Except when fasting is required, there are no dietary restrictions. I’ll focus on nutritious meals, so I’ll have lunch boxes prepared for every meal.”
“…”
“If there’s something you want to eat or need, tell me directly, or if I’m not here, tell my secretary. I left the secretary’s business card on the nightstand by the bed.”
Unlike his calm tone, the content was tremendous. I stared at him blankly and muttered.
“You speak just like a chaebol.”
Then a faint smile spread across Seo Nakil’s face. His impression, which had seemed somewhat strict and cold, crumbled slightly, revealing a warm glow like sunset.
“Technically, that’s correct. Even if not me, each of my family members runs something.”
Come to think of it, I seemed to have heard something like that. His paternal family ran a world-famous hotel chain. That’s why I remembered people praising him endlessly for having looks, skill, character, and even wealth.
But the wealthy one was Seo Nakil, not Han Ijae. Suddenly enjoying extravagance beyond my means with someone else’s money felt beyond bewildering—even a bit unsettling. Kindness that easily exceeded the universal range made Seo Nakil seem suspicious.
“This should at least not be bad to stay in.”
Seo Nakil, who couldn’t know my thoughts, crossed his arms and said.
“I’ve paid attention to security too. Useless people won’t be able to wander in and out.”
Why did Kwon Seonho’s face come to mind first at those words? Even though he didn’t seem like the type to say that about members who were in the same group as me.
“Thank you.”
It was a kindness I couldn’t even think of how to repay.
“Is the reason you’re being so good to me because of what you said about us being close like real brothers?”
Of course it was probably a blatant lie, but the problem was that wasn’t the only dishonest thing.
Not wanting my lie to be discovered, I swallowed the rest of my words.
“More precisely, I’m keeping my word.”
“…”
“The word about becoming someone you can trust.”
Seo Nakil, who glanced at my expression, spoke as if it was nothing.
“It’s understandable. It’s a story that doesn’t exist in your memory.”
For deliberately deceiving someone, it was too natural.
So I ended up confused in a different way instead. Did I really not remember?
Sometimes when called by Kwon Seonho to drink, I’d get drunk enough to black out. Even if my memory was hazy, I’d return to the dorm well on my own…
‘He doesn’t seem like someone who’d frequent clubs or private bars.’
While I was immersed in a puzzling feeling, Seo Nakil, who had been sitting by the bedside, checked the time and got up.
“I have a production meeting, so I’ll be away for a bit. I’ll come back in the evening.”
“…Take care.”
“Be careful, and contact me if anything happens.”
How long had it been since I heard such kind words? My heart felt ticklish for no reason.
Left alone in the hospital room, I was immersed in peaceful silence while fiddling with my phone. Then I habitually searched for my name on portal sites and SNS. It was one of the bad habits stuck to my hands, even though I’d never seen anything particularly good.
[‘For Starium’ 8-member idol group debuts safely after long silence]
[‘8th place’ Han Ijae, ‘9th place’ Ahn Haesol. ‘Starium’ and ‘Arcus’, ‘Delayed debut’ and ‘Top-tier hot debut’… Entertainment industry’s blessing in disguise?]
[(Exclusive Interview) Min Seungwoo “I wasn’t afraid because I had confidence”, “Being first place doesn’t mean I can do everything alone”. The leader’s attitude toward Starium]
It was an interview I’d seen once before. I clicked on the last article as if entranced.
[Q. If there’s a member you’re most concerned about?
- Ijae. Han Ijae.
(May I ask why?) Because I can see he’s soft-hearted. He likes people but is just as timid. Compared to that, our members, um, of course including me. To put it nicely, we’re tough, to put it badly, indifferent. With that kind of disposition, I sometimes think… that the delicate Ijae gets hurt.
- If there’s something you really want to say to Ijae-ssi.
- I want to tell him to have confidence. The public chose you and that’s an irreplaceable qualification. Instead of time spent anxious, I want to tell him to prove himself. Look up, not down, forward, not back.
(Seungwoo-ssi is a strict leader.) …Is that so? I thought I said it quite affectionately in my own way.]
That was all. After that, they were just articles where I was mentioned by chance, articles that could be said to be almost unrelated to me.
“They’re not here…”
The scandals that followed me like a scarlet letter weren’t visible. The headlines sharp as thorns, the cheap gossip full of cruel question marks—all gone without a trace.
As if such things had never existed. As if all the pain that drove my body into the water was phantom pain.
It wasn’t just the news.
[#Ijae_We_Support_You_Today_Too]
[Yeah Han Ijae you’re handsome today too. You sing well. You’re charming. We all like you (photo) (photo)]
[(Video) Fluffy fox on the way to music show ㅠ.ㅜ I’m worried because he looks so tired #Starium #HanIjae #EJAE]
[Guys this is an emergency ㄷㅇㅈ ㄷㅈ-nim ㅇㄹㅋㅅ ㅅㅇ-nim mentioned Han Ijae on live shocking real talk right now;;;; My roommate was watching the live and I watched with fish eyes from the side and seriously jumped up]
└ What? Why? Ijae why? Han Ijae why!!!!
[Arcus main vocal Yoon Seowoo-nim said on live he wants to duet with Ijae…]
└ Crazy
[I guess because ㅇㄹㅋㅅ has Ahn-leader, I only connected it that way;;; But Seowoo-Ijae duet is really feelsgood honestly Seowoo-nim’s tone is like what can I say… But our Ijae is really good too]
└ It’s not just a passing comment, the fact that he watched Ijae’s stage and even pointed out the genre that suits his voice is really hugely touching amazing point, I just bowed three times toward where Seowoo-nim is
└ Seriously I pressed the possible button really big, Seowoo-nim please don’t change your mind and do something with Ijae just once, isn’t there a way somehow?
└ Starting today, day 1 of making demands ㄱㄱ
Even the few posts that seemed just uploaded were mostly positive. It really couldn’t help but be awkward and amazing.
People don’t hate me. Han Ijae, those three characters of my name aren’t treated like something dirty.
I put down my phone and gently rubbed around my solar plexus. It was a feeling I couldn’t describe, a very strange feeling filling up to my chin. Like I was out of breath, like my chest hurt, like I wanted to laugh, like I wanted to cry.
May I dare enjoy this tender peace?
Barely buried in the awkwardly warm temperature, a noisy voice came from beyond the door.
“You can’t do this. This is a restricted area for outsiders.”
“No, fuck. So why are you saying that to me? The one inside is Han Ijae. Then you guys are the outsiders, not me. Suddenly locking the kid up in some weird place. Who the hell is that person anyway? Showing up out of nowhere.”
It was a voice familiar enough to give me goosebumps.
“Visits are only possible after the patient permits. Right now is a time when stability is needed…”
“So I’m saying I’ll get permission directly. Ah, crazy. Stop it already. Yeah? Hey! Han Ijae!”
The sharply ringing voice pierced into my ears.
“Han Ijae. You sleeping? Huh? Hyung came and you’re sleepy? You really got spoiled after collapsing once.”
I gripped the blanket tightly with hands that had instantly gone cold.
It was Kwon Seonho.
