After touring the Gaehwagak garden where night had gently settled, on the way back to the dorm with Seo Nakil.
Even knowing we had arrived, I somehow didn’t want to get out. So I idly fiddled with the script placed on my lap, being lazy, when Seo Nakil’s voice settled on the back of my hand.
“Do you have a curfew?”
“There’s no set time exactly……”
Still, it was group living, and since image management was more important than anything for idol activities, we had agreed not to go out too late.
However, the strictest person among the members in the same dorm was Min Seungwoo, and today he was scheduled to return home late due to a schedule.
“This is plenty of time.”
Even if that weren’t the case, it was just a little past 9 o’clock. It was because we had dinner early. I was glad I didn’t need to go in right away.
“I see.”
Seo Nakil turned off the car engine and said.
“That’s good.”
Those words sounded like telling me to stay in this quiet space just a little longer before going, so I ended up feeling secretly pleased.
It was amazing. I was afraid or awkward of the silence that came when I was with others. I was scared that the person would find me boring and dull, so I would forcibly pull out whatever came to mind and chatter. Especially when I was beside Kwon Seonho.
But now it wasn’t like that. Because the stillness surrounding us was comfortable, I didn’t need to forcibly try to do something. Even if I stayed silent as I was, the atmosphere didn’t become strange or bad.
That’s why I feel wholeness when I’m with Seo Nakil.
“Are you worried?”
He gestured at the script with his eyes. I, who had been lost in thought for a moment, answered.
“A little.”
“……”
“I think it’s a good opportunity. As I mentioned before, I’m interested in acting too. Since it’s come to this, I want to try my best.”
His face, which shone bluish in the darkness, was very cool and beautiful. It also felt like ‘Sain’ himself from the movie on my lap, quietly sinking together with the old mansion.
“But…… I feel a sense of responsibility too.”
“Responsibility.”
“Because you two recommended me.”
Fortunately, they say the director was satisfied with Seo Nakil’s recommendation, but that doesn’t mean all the people involved agreed with the casting of the ‘Yeojeong’ role. In fact, there were quite a few who looked at me with prejudiced eyes toward idol-turned-actors.
Moreover, I thought that my image, which had fallen to the bottom afterward, might have even ruined Seo Nakil and Seon Jeonghyeon’s reputation.
“Do you think I can do well?”
Seo Nakil answered like someone who had been waiting for that answer for a long time.
“I’m certain.”
It was a tone as if no one but me could become ‘Yeojeong’. Even though in his timeline, it was something that hadn’t happened yet.
“Ijae. You don’t know how much potential you have.”
I blinked my eyes slowly at those words.
You’re right. I don’t know what kind of potential dwells in my life. Actually, I don’t really know how valuable it is to me. My past life was too cold to examine such things.
“It’s okay not to know.”
His whisper had already come right up to my nose.
“Because I know.”
The distance between him and me didn’t even have a span left. The moment I recognized that fact, it felt like heat rushed hotly to my ear tips.
How do you know what even I, the person in question, don’t know? What are you looking at?
From the cheek of that man with his strange certainty came a faint floral scent. That cool and soft fragrance resembled the white magnolias of Gaehwagak that we had walked through together.
“……”
We were close enough for our noses to brush. I reflexively squeezed my eyes shut. Because it felt like our lips would overlap at any moment.
But what I was waiting for didn’t happen. Instead, there was only the click of the seatbelt unfastening at my waist.
“You should go in now.”
I nodded while holding a bitter taste similar to what I felt not long ago. I was a bit embarrassed by the fact that I felt disappointment in this situation.
As I opened the passenger door with a gesture full of regret, Seo Nakil, who had come around the hood to this side, pulled the door open. As I leaned forward, his shadow draped over my head like a curtain.
And…….
“Your cheek is cold.”
I was dumbfounded at what happened in such an instant.
“Go in quickly.”
While I fumbled and rubbed the cheek his touch had reached as he straightened up, Seo Nakil, who had closed the door, went back to the driver’s seat. His attitude was nonchalant as if nothing had happened.
But that didn’t make the action he had just done to me disappear. He clearly wrapped my cheek with his large hand, and then lowered his head and pressed his lips to my forehead.
My fingertips that had been wandering on my cheek rubbed my forehead, precisely where his lips had pressed. Then they came down helplessly and pressed firmly against my cheek with the back of my hand.
“……That’s not right.”
I muttered blankly while watching his car move away.
“It’s hot……”
Seo Nakil was an elegant and wonderful man, and exactly that dangerous. I couldn’t help but be helplessly shaken by actions that felt indifferent beyond being plain.
A person who is incomprehensibly kind and looks immeasurably sad. When the unfathomable him quietly gazes asking me to call his name, it seems like I end up revealing a bare face I didn’t even know I had before that silent gaze.
Looking at you, I sometimes felt scared. Where did you come from and through what path did you come to me? Looking at his existence that seems to have dropped from the sky and arrived before me, I end up feeling a sensation where all the boundaries of the world I knew blur.
So, sometimes I become troubled before Seo Nakil. Because I kept being drawn to him like that, I just wanted to stand closer to his side.
I was happy about that kiss earlier, like a breeze.
I hoped there would be a next time.
I wanted to cut through the darkness with you and move beyond it…….
* * *
Another week passed.
I devoted myself more enthusiastically to concert preparations. Because after removing a bit of fear and looking at it, I realized how precious that opportunity was to me.
The honorable end permitted to me. If the choice of that moment was given to me, I wanted to shine at least once even if it meant burning everything I had.
“You’re especially enthusiastic today?”
Kang Subin asked with a bright smile. Although he was tired from choreography practice that continued for hours without even a break, his eyes were sparkling.
“Did you see the expression on Seungwoo hyung’s face before he left? That’s the first time I’ve seen him smile like that. So spring does come to our leader hyung’s face too……”
“Really?”
“Yes! He was looking at you like you were some treasure? If Seonho hyung had seen it, he would have made a huge fuss.”
When I flinched at Kwon Seonho’s name, Kang Subin stuck out his lips pointedly and grumbled.
“No, honestly, isn’t that right? Since we’re on the topic—isn’t Seonho hyung’s jealousy really severe? Especially trying not to lose to Seungwoo hyung by even a fingernail.”
“……”
“You must have been really scared if you lost your memory. Other people are worried about that and trying to be careful, but only Seonho hyung doesn’t cooperate at all, so sometimes it’s a bit much.”
Those words stung a corner of my heart. I opened and closed my mouth before asking carefully.
“Were you worried?”
“……”
“Were you…… worried about me, Subin?”
“Ah, hyung.”
Kang Subin looked at me with a pitiful gaze, lowering his eyebrow ends.
“Of course I was worried. How could I not be worried……”
You would be now. But that attitude will change within two years. In the end, you too won’t overcome the world’s storms and will turn your back on me. I understand with my head that you’ll have no choice but to do so……
The pain lodged in my chest deepened a bit more. It was doubt and distrust and at the same time guilt.
Flustered, I stood up.
“……I’ll get going.”
My heart became impatient with the thought that I should push this pain away before it grew bigger. Even knowing it was cowardly running away, I had no choice.
“I have an appointment in the evening. If anyone looks for me, could you tell them that?”
Instead of waiting for an answer, I quickly turned and left the practice room. I knew he was trying to call me, but I hurried, pretending not to notice, pretending not to hear.
Deliberately ignoring Kang Subin’s gaze that stuck to me like a shadow, I escaped from the world that hadn’t hurt me yet.
