Sleep together, he says. Me and Seo Nakil?
…Why?
“There’s another room though.”
“That room is cramped.”
It didn’t look cramped at all. That room might even be bigger than the house I used to live in alone.
“It doesn’t even have a window. Don’t you hate feeling stuffy?”
“Rather than hate it, I’m… But how did you know that?”
“Is that really important right now?”
His grip on my wrist tightened firmly.
“So are you really going to go sleep in the next room?”
“Since this room is better… are you being kind to me?”
“Kindness?”
Seo Nakil laughed softly.
“This is greed.”
When I slowly removed his hand, Seo Nakil’s brow furrowed slightly. He didn’t seem angry, but somehow looked a little disappointed.
“…I’ll go wash up.”
In the end, I washed up and returned to his room. I wondered if I should sleep in a robe, but after washing up, I found new clothes with the tags still on placed in front of the bathroom.
When I approached hesitantly, unable to hide my awkwardness, he snapped shut the script he’d been looking at. The bedside lamp went off and darkness filled the room.
When I stopped standing there, Seo Nakil whispered.
“It’s okay.”
“…”
“Come here.”
I groped my way forward through the bluish darkness. When my knees touched the bed, he pulled me in, and soon my whole body was buried in the soft sheets.
When I wriggled around to settle in, I heard laughter from behind me. Turning my back to him must have looked terribly awkward.
‘It’s not like we can sleep facing each other…’
To sleep with that face right in front of me. Any sleep that was coming would run away on its own.
A warm hand approached and gently tousled my hair.
“You didn’t dry it.”
“…I hate hair dryers.”
“Ah. The type sensitive to sounds.”
The light playing with my hair continued. The touch moving slowly from the crown of my head to my ear was both playful and light.
“Do you like singing?”
“Yes.”
I liked listening and I liked singing. I think I liked the moments when I entrusted my heart to the flow of notes and became completely immersed. If only my throat didn’t get completely blocked up with fear and pressure, I could sing all day. In fact, I practically lived in the recording booth even when no one told me to.
“What about dancing?”
“I did it when I had to. It wasn’t as good as singing though…”
I carefully dug through the past, which somehow felt like ancient history.
“During ‘For Starium,’ Haesol hyung helped me a lot. He’s amazing, right? Everyone else was just focused on taking care of themselves. After debut, Seungwoo hyung looked after me.”
“What about variety shows?”
“I’m not really talented at them. I don’t have good quick wit.”
“Don’t like drinking gatherings either?”
“Not really. They’re noisy, and there’s a lot to pay attention to.”
“You sure managed to become an idol.”
The calm voice coming from behind me was like a lullaby. I felt a little disappointed that his hand had been withdrawn.
“You said you were interested in acting.”
“Yes.”
“If you get the chance, do you think you’ll try it?”
“That too, yes. I’ve even learned it before.”
In the past, around late summer after the solo concert, I had started filming <The Marsh Where the Moon Sets>.
I wonder if it’ll be the same this time. If I could hope for it, I’d like that.
My blinking gradually slowed. The area under my eyes became ticklish and my breathing grew shallow.
“In the morning, bread? Or Korean food?”
“I just eat whatever’s there.”
When I was alone, I didn’t make a habit of preparing meals. When I was at the dorm, I usually followed the members’ preferences, and during individual activities, I’d carry around things like convenience store rice balls and fill my stomach whenever I had time.
“When both are available, you’re not going to eat both.”
Imagine it. Seo Nakil whispered.
“Tomorrow morning, you open your eyes and go out to the living room, and all the food is set out on the table.”
He began placing things one by one into the future that had been pitch black like before my eyes.
First was a bread basket full of freshly baked bread. Next was cream of mushroom soup. Warm soup and white rice, eggs Benedict with a poached egg on top of avocado and shrimp, pasta tossed cold with vegetables…
When the food he was telling me about one by one had filled the table, I said.
“I just hope it’s not too spicy.”
It was still difficult to choose one among them. It might sound very indecisive and pathetic, but I was clumsy at picking out the best thing or enjoying it.
It couldn’t be helped. I was more accustomed to being relieved by the lesser evil than choosing the best.
“The members like spicy food. Sometimes they order things like tteokbokki from the morning, and when they urge me to eat, it’s hard to refuse.”
Especially when Kwon Seonho suggested it, it was without fail. After forcing down something spicy enough to make tears come out on an empty stomach, my stomach would burn all day.
“I think I’d be fine with anything soft.”
“I see.”
The hand that approached again patted my shoulder this time. Pat, pat, the touch was affectionate at a regular pace.
“I’ll keep that in mind.”
The hand patting my shoulder gradually slowed. Now my eyes wouldn’t open.
I fell asleep just like that without even saying goodnight.
***
It was an especially cold night. The biting wind that brushed past my cheeks and ears stung so much that eventually I couldn’t feel any sensation at all.
So I think I felt like I was dreaming the whole time I walked the night streets. No, actually, I think I’d been living as if in a dream all along. Whether the sun rose and it was bright, or the moon was hidden and it was dark, whether the summer sun was scorching, or the winter wind was chilly.
Life had always been a nightmare, and very cowardly, I wanted to run away from it.
The railing I gripped with both hands was cold. The thinly frozen snow crumbled with a snap and seeped into the lines of my palms.
The wind that blew from behind me whooshed away to a distant place. It seemed to push my back and whisper.
Close your eyes. And just relax like that. That’s all.
That’s all it takes for this long nightmare to end.
I surrendered my body to the fate-like whisper. I looked at the pure white breath dispersing one last time, then closed my eyes.
Did I feel relieved? I’m not sure. It seemed like the cold that rushed all the way inside had numbed even my thoughts.
But I couldn’t fall. Because something that suddenly reached out grabbed me tightly from behind.
Arms crossing over each other pulled me into a full embrace. It was a person. A person with very hot hands and firm arms, who seemed to be at least a span taller than me.
There were no words, but there were countless things pouring down over my head.
Don’t go.
Don’t go.
Please don’t go.
So I had to stand there helplessly, caught by that touch, unable to live or die.
When I drowsily opened my tightly shut eyes, bright sunlight pricked at my eyelids.
‘It was a dream.’
Of course it was. No one actually caught me, and I successfully went over that railing.
I placed my hand on my chest where I felt a stiff ache. A slightly fast pitter-pattering tremor was transmitted to my fingertips. An indescribable emotion arose and then hid among the jumbled mess.
As I curled up for a moment like that, I heard voices chattering from somewhere.
“Lawyer Park says he’ll arrive soon. Should we move right away?”
It was a voice I’d never heard before. A cheerful yet soft, high-pitched voice.
“Are you even listening to me? Seo Nakil. I’m asking if you’re going to move now. The guy who was nagging me to come over as soon as I woke up is standing there like a wooden post…”
“What should I do?”
“Huh? Do what? What are you looking at so intently?”
“Should I order all of this?”
“Why would you order all the room service when we’re about to leave? And you don’t even eat breakfast.”
“It’s not going into my mouth.”
“Then why so suddenly… Aha.”
I heard the sound of a big sigh.
“Do it in moderation, in moderation. This is the best breakfast here, so go with this. It’s soft and doesn’t upset the stomach.”
“I like it. Then let’s go with that.”
“I contacted Lawyer Park that we’re coming down. Grab your coat.”
“Mm.”
They seemed to know each other, no, seemed to be rather close. I listened to their conversation with my eyes closed. I must not have been fully awake yet, because I felt like I could sleep more like this.
I felt a presence. A warm hand brushed over hair that had been pressed flat and was sticking up here and there. Seo Nakil’s scent, which had become quite familiar by now, hovered at the tip of my nose.
“Han Ijae.”
I answered in a drowsy voice.
“Yes…”
“Sleep a bit more. I’ll match your wake-up time.”
Call me when you wake up, he said, and I nodded my head sluggishly.
“Sweet dreams.”
Something lightly touched my cheek and then fell away. A warm, soft sensation brushed past.
Were Seo Nakil’s hands this soft?
I couldn’t continue the thought. The sleepiness that slowly washed over me swallowed me whole.
