Prologue. Submersion
It was a death without even a suicide note.
“…It’s cold.”
As I lowered my mask, pure white breath seeped into the dark city without a trace.
Black water filled my vision, slowly undulating. I gazed down endlessly at the surface of that river water. It seemed like it would float sparkling lights and swallow sad people whole, so I thought it looked pretty decent for dying.
If I just plunged in there, it would all be over. Even if it was cold, what did it matter? I was used to enduring things, and for one last time, I could be patient as much as needed.
My heart was calm, neither wavering nor anxious. Of course it was. This decision wasn’t born of stubbornness or whim.
‘What are you going to the Han River for at this late hour?’
‘Just… I have something to do there.’
If you ask why there’s no suicide note for a death that wasn’t even impulsive, it was because I didn’t want to leave anything behind. The fact that I had lived in this world, no—that I had been born here at all—felt like one massive error.
When I said living was too hard, I heard this:
‘Man. You’re only twenty-five years old, why are you so down? Life is long. If you keep living, you’ll realize that not only bad things happen.’
I knew it wasn’t bad advice or wrong, but it didn’t really resonate or comfort me.
Because just making it past twenty-five years was too much of a burden for me. That life that was “only that much” felt eternally long to me.
So I didn’t want to handle anything more, didn’t want to wait, and I especially hated enduring. I was completely exhausted.
Still, if there was one fortunate thing, it was that I could at least choose how to die. It was the only fortune granted to me, and my last.
I crossed the railing without hesitation. My wish to not be interrupted by anyone came true.
Soon the cold river water wrapped around my entire body and guided me to the dark bottom. My waterlogged body slowly sank, blooming sparkling light inside my eyelids.
It was my life flashing before my eyes.
I wanted to become an idol, so I went on a survival program. Stories about vote manipulation, human rights violations, devil’s editing—none of it mattered. To break through the constantly collapsing debuts and increasingly unfavorable situations, I had to cling even to a rotten rope.
‘For Starium,’ final 8th place. Until I barely squeezed onto the last spot of the 8-member group debut, I believed I was pretty lucky. I think I was even conceited that with a desperate heart, I could accomplish anything.
But looking back, that’s exactly where everything started to go wrong.
‘Starium’ wasn’t easy from debut. Since the trainees belonged to different agencies, all sorts of meetings were needed to agree on anything, and the song we finally received became embroiled in plagiarism controversy, causing a disaster where all our schedules fell apart.
While we were somehow preparing the album again, people began to forget about us. As we traveled around the country doing events to fill the gap, the 9th place participant who had parted ways with me by a narrow margin even signed with a major entertainment company and debuted successfully.
Still, I could endure it. No, I had to endure it.
‘The condition is to produce results within 3 years. Why is this one thing so difficult, Ijae? The CEO doesn’t want to charge a young kid like you 500 million won in penalty fees and all that. So let’s go at it with fighting spirit, okay? You know what I mean, right?’
While I was anxiously trying not to pay the massive penalty fee, an opportunity came. After successfully completing our first full album promotions and even pulling off a solo concert, plans for our next activities were immediately set.
Was it thanks to the hope that if we just established ourselves well and held on until the second full album, we could safely build our career? Even the members who were always bickering and fighting began to unite little by little.
However, that moment we anticipated never came.
‘Han Ijae, you… Fuck, what is this photo? Are you doing sponsorships now?’
‘No! It’s a misunderstanding, hyung.’
‘Misunderstanding, my ass. Rumors spread all over the securities district that Samhwa Department Store is backing you. Who taught you to do whore work to get pulled up when your popularity is lacking?’
‘…Ijae. Today Entertainment contacted us, are you dating the leader of that newly debuted minor girl group? They say there’s a photo.’
‘That’s not me. I don’t even know that person’s contact information. Please believe me.’
‘I want to believe you too. I want to, but… the other party said on the radio that you two are close. We managed to put an embargo through the CEO, but it’ll cost quite a bit to block it. The CEO is already really angry about the sponsorship thing, so be prepared.’
False rumors that came crashing in as if planned began to gnaw away at me bit by bit.
‘How can you hyungs just blindly believe tabloids? The Samhwa Department Store director, that bastard is crazy. I believe Ijae hyung.’
‘Right. Ijae, you in a scandal? Other idiots might fall for it, but not me. You only have me, right?’
‘The timing is a bit coincidental… but as long as it doesn’t interfere with our activities, it’s fine.’
As misfortune piled up and strange rumors kept increasing, people grew tired. Like sand on a palm, no matter how hard I tried to grip it, little by little it slipped through the cracks between my fingers.
‘Honestly, there’s that saying, right? There’s no smoke without fire. I don’t know anymore. Honestly, it’s stressful that the group name keeps coming up in people’s mouths with not-so-good news. Just when we were starting to see the light…’
‘Let’s just be honest. What’s the use of doing well on the first album? The last-place bastard is eating up everything seven people worked their asses off for. SNS is fucking noisy asking if we’re really doing a second album with a problematic member, fuck. It’s not like anyone’s getting their dick sucked.’
‘That Samhwa Group psycho blew his influence at the broadcasting station to get you ranked 8th, right? You still gonna say you’re not dirty?’
‘Would’ve been better to bring Haesol. I see these days he even composes. What can you do besides offering your ass to a chaebol?’
‘A minor movie role script came into his agency. The audacity to run right after the solo concert ends is really impressive.’
No matter how much I struggled, there was nothing I could change. There was no rope to grab and cling to either.
And so I sank to the bottom.
I withdrew from the group as if being kicked out. After filming the movie supporting role, the drama script offer that had come in was canceled, and Samhwa Group, whose sponsorship proposal I had rejected, sent out retaliatory scandals day after day. Eventually, my agency demanded a large penalty fee along with contract termination.
Incompetent Han Ijae, shameless Han Ijae, dirty Han Ijae.
People misunderstood me as they pleased and poured out their bad feelings like excrement. Even the feelings they conveyed saying they liked me were so jagged that I got scratched wherever they touched.
I had to admit it. I had failed, and there was nothing I could fix. The lights that had dwelled in my life were erased one by one as if swallowed by darkness.
Soon even the last light that had been desperately flickering went out with a thud, unable to withstand the falling rain.
‘Kwon Seonho, you don’t still believe Han Ijae, do you?’
‘Hey. Is he that kind of bastard? It’s been ages since Han Ijae’s rumors went to shit.’
‘Exactly. He’s pretty-faced and just his type, so I was wondering if he’d still believe him till the end as his boyfriend.’
‘Ugh. Really?’
‘Fuck, boyfriend my ass. I just played around with him. It was funny how he clung to me desperately saying I was all he had left when he has no one in the world.’
‘Look at this, wow. What a player, Kwon Seonho.’
‘Like you’re any different, asshole.’
‘But is the sponsorship thing real? Whether boyfriend or playing around, if you were close you must’ve heard something.’
‘Well… is it true? When I tested the waters last time, he said no. If it’s real, it’d be kind of gross, right? Trash isn’t my type.’
I wish you’d just said from the beginning you didn’t believe me. That your feelings, no matter how sincere, meant absolutely nothing to me. Not knowing that, I struggled until the end trying to hold onto that relationship somehow.
Now none of it mattered anyway. Once I died, everything would turn to bubbles. And I had already made my decision.
Bubble bubble, my last breath burst forth and wavered in my vision as it darkened.
That was my last moment.
