He didn’t know how many times he’d listened to the same song.
While shedding tears blankly for a while without even knowing why he was crying, Siwoo finally composed his emotions and wiped his wet face.
The same melody still enveloped his surroundings. Embarrassed by the situation of crying his heart out, he wiped his face with his hand again, then rubbed it with his sleeve. When he lifted his head after that, Siwoo realized he was alone in this place.
“Haa… Why am I like this, really.”
[Had something to do so went out for a bit, will come back even if it’s dawn. Think about what you need to think about by yourself and close the door when you leave.]
Picking up his phone and checking the message Sangjun had left, Siwoo plopped down on the sofa next to him. He’d never been this intoxicated by any song before, but from the moment he heard the first note, he fell into the complex emotions that came rushing in.
Picking up the paper and pen on the table next to the sofa, he scribbled down whatever came to mind.
But soon he scribbled over the letters he’d written with the pen.
Writing again and erasing. Writing and erasing. Writing and erasing.
After repeating the same thing several times, Siwoo flopped down on the sofa.
He thought he could just write it down. But he couldn’t fully capture his thoughts and emotions in even a single letter.
Tearing up the paper that had turned into doodles, Siwoo stood up.
[Hyung, thanks. I’ll head back to the dorm first.]
After sending a message to Sangjun, Siwoo left Sangjun’s studio with the cold lemon tea that had been on the table. He should have called a manager, but he didn’t want to. After putting on his mask, he pulled up his hoodie and zipped up his padding. The December winter night air was biting.
Past midnight.
Siwoo’s favorite time had arrived. Soft streetlights guarded the street where sharp winds blew.
The same melody kept floating in his head. Sickeningly sweet.
He couldn’t ruin this beautiful melody Sangjun created. But thinking of him who didn’t ask anything and, out of consideration for him on this cold day, went outside making an excuse, he couldn’t readily say anything.
Stopping his steps under a streetlight for a moment, Siwoo slowly walked again.
Dreams and reality. Future and past. Hope and despair.
Only things at extreme opposite poles circled in his head. He dreamed of positivity, but the darkness thickly spread beneath it continuously grabbed his ankles. All the happiness he was enjoying now felt like a house of cards.
“Ha…”
As he let out a long sigh, the white breath that came out puffily scattered in the cold air.
The ringtone of the phone in his pocket noisily broke the silent night street.
“Yeah!”
“Hyung, where are you? Sangjun hyung’s studio? Evan hyung just came and bought roasted sweet potatoes and bungeoppang.”
“I’m in front of the house.”
“In front of the villa? Where?”
“Where I can see our house.”
Evan’s voice followed after Yechan’s voice, but it was so noisy he couldn’t properly hear what he was saying.
“Siwoo hyung says he can see the villa right now?”
“Coco, where are you? Sangjun hyung is with friends outside right now.”
Yechan’s voice was followed by Evan’s voice.
“I’ll be right in. I want cream bungeoppang.”
His fingertips holding the phone were cold, so Siwoo quickly hung up. Being alone and being together with many was this different. There were times when he spent days alone without saying a word. Back when everyone just assumed he was doing fine and didn’t contact him, and he also didn’t know the reason to make an effort to contact someone first.
And what dominated Siwoo then was darkness.
Siwoo quickened his steps. He wanted to escape from this infinite darkness that had clung to him since Sangjun’s studio. If he mingled with the always energetic members at the dorm that was better than any house he’d lived in, he could easily shake it off.
The entrance to the luxury villa. Spotting a person with a good physique wearing thick padding, Siwoo quickly looked around. Perhaps because of the cold weather, the sasaeng fans who usually camped out in front of the house, even just one or two, weren’t visible.
Siwoo, who had been walking quickly, started running.
“You…”
“It’s cold, cold. Let’s go in quickly.”
Before Evan, who had come out looking for him, could start nagging, Siwoo grabbed his hand and led the way. But after only a few steps, Siwoo turned around.
When Evan stopped in a secluded spot on one side of the path toward the dorm past the villa’s main gate, Siwoo, unable to overcome his strength, was also forced to stop walking.
“Your hands are too cold. Don’t tell me you walked from Sangjun hyung’s studio?”
“Let’s talk inside. You said you bought roasted sweet potatoes and bungeoppang?”
It was inside the villa so it was hard for outsiders to enter, and it was a place where light didn’t reach, so it was also a good space to hide. Not wanting to waste emotional energy with Evan, Siwoo answered in a bright voice toward him who was scolding in a stiff voice.
“The weather’s cold and the night streets are dangerous. What if something happened when you’re walking around alone without a manager? I’ve never said anything about other things. If you can’t even keep the one thing I asked, which was to go around with a manager when I’m not there, then what.”
“Like you said, the weather’s cold and the manager hyung needs to rest too. It took less than 5 minutes walking.”
Looking up at Evan who was spilling out his uncomfortable emotions without hiding them despite his bright voice, Siwoo wrinkled his nose. Just let it slide appropriately, Evan. Not now.
“Kim Siwoo, you…”
“You’re the same age as me. We’re friends. It’s good that you think of me and consider me, but aren’t you being overprotective.”
At first he didn’t recognize it, but the moment Siwoo felt Evan’s pheromones wrapping around him, full of anger, sullen words eventually flowed from Siwoo’s mouth too.
When things are good, everything seems good. They say when you have rose-colored glasses on, you can’t see anything.
But this was something he’d felt from before. Evan acted like he knew everything. Sometimes it seemed like he thought of him as a child. He tried to do everything even things he could do himself. There were times when he even tried to interfere with what he ate.
Until now he’d matched him. Even when he wanted to drink strong coffee as soon as he woke up, but Evan handed him warm yuja tea. Even when he was about to eat freshly fried pork cutlet full of oil, but was offered plain stone pot bibimbap, he followed without complaint.
When he tried to go out wearing just a thin cotton t-shirt and one thick padding, if Evan told him to wear at least a knit vest over the cotton t-shirt, he layered up like that too.
Because Evan wanted it, he didn’t want to make problems with such things. Up until he saw him come out in front of the villa worrying about him coming alone late at night, his mood was good.
There was no way he could talk at the dorm full of people. But wasn’t it too much to make him stand outside like this at such a late hour and pour out scolding? He would have understood with just one word saying he was worried, but Evan precisely touched on the part he thought he should say something about at least once.
He was the one who cut off Evan’s words just now. But that was deliberate.
He didn’t want to hear about omega or alpha or such words. Maybe he wouldn’t have done this much if he were a beta.
What Evan was about to say now was definitely related to traits. That’s why it’s more dangerous, words like that.
“We’re not just simple friends.”
“Even if we’re lovers, I didn’t give you the right to interfere with my everything.”
“Ha… Is it such a problem that I told you not to walk around alone late at night in the cold?”
Siwoo clicked his tongue at Evan’s retort as he swept his hair back. This guy didn’t even grasp the essence of this problem right now.
“Is that all I’m talking about right now? I’m really sorry for walking around alone late at night. I’m so sorry I could die. Will you break my legs if I do it again? Don’t try to do whatever you want just because I like you. That’s annoying. What do you know? Do you know how I am? What I’m thinking, what worries I have, do you know everything? Since you can’t understand, I’ll tell you clearly. Don’t interfere.”
Siwoo spat out whatever came to mind without order. Normally he might have just said he wouldn’t do it again and moved on. But these small complaints accumulated, and the moment they got entangled with the past, he couldn’t handle it and burst.
If he stayed here any longer, he felt like he’d say worse things, even slip words he could never take back, so Siwoo turned around as he was. At times like this, avoiding the situation was the best strategy.
Siwoo roughly shook off the hand grabbing his wrist and pushed Evan’s chest hard with both arms as he approached him.
“Think carefully. What you did wrong.”
Worried Evan might grab him again, Siwoo ran toward the villa as he was. Evan didn’t come, but he pressed the elevator close button without hesitation. Arriving at the dorm, he entered the password and went inside.
“Siwoo’s here? What bungeoppang do you want to eat…”
“No, I’m not eating. Hyung, I’m tired so I’ll wash up and go straight to sleep.”
Having heard Siwoo, who came in carrying a lot of cold wind, cut off his words and go straight into his room and lock the door, Chan looked toward the entrance this time.
Evan had definitely gone out saying he’d look for Siwoo. But what just passed in front of him was Siwoo alone. Siwoo, who never rudely cut off others’ words, passed by without even looking at him.
“…Hyung, should we go eat on the 2nd floor?”
With a roasted sweet potato in his mouth, Yechan, who had watched all of this together, muttered while looking at the late-night snacks in front of him.
For several months since last summer, the atmosphere at the dorm had been better than ever. Love and happiness overflowed.
But with this moment as the turning point, it seemed to have returned to before. He recalled those days when the dorm was filled with cold air constantly because they were growling, unable to devour each other.
“I’m fine with this, but do you want to eat more?”
“I was going to eat one more cream bungeoppang…”
“Just don’t eat it. We have filming tomorrow too.”
Yechan’s hand that was reaching for the cream bungeoppang stopped in mid-air.
“What are you hesitating for? Don’t you think it’d be good to leave before Evan comes? We were momentarily blinded by the peace treaty. The war is starting again.”
Chan, who drank all the milk in front of him, headed first toward the stairs going up to the 2nd floor.
“Ahhh… Hyung, hyung. Don’t abandon me. I just won’t eat it.”
Seeing Chan leave his seat without regret, Yechan hurriedly cleaned up what he’d spread out. Then he quickly followed Chan up to the 2nd floor.
After entering his room and locking the door, throwing his padding and zip-up hoodie to the side, Siwoo roughly shook his head with both hands.
He didn’t know, really.
He couldn’t even properly remember what he’d just said to Evan.
Why now of all times… Siwoo took out the paper in his pocket and unfolded it.
[Savior of this chaotic world.
Hand of salvation, future of destruction.]
It was scribbled over with pen so it wasn’t properly visible, but one part of what he’d written caught his eye.
It was a phrase that didn’t suit the sweet and cute ballad like cotton candy at all.
Tearing the paper and entering the bathroom, Siwoo put the paper scraps in the toilet and flushed.
It seemed he had to give up on writing lyrics.
Happiness, romance, love.
As expected, such things didn’t suit him. When his insides were rotting like this, how could he do something so pure, innocent, and noble?
After finishing his shower in hot water, Siwoo’s gaze briefly touched his locked room door, but he burrowed into the cold bed without regret. Instead of the human heater Evan that he’d been hugging while sleeping for a while, a large, fluffy and soft carrot doll filled Siwoo’s arms.
