Eunha’s lips twitched before he closed them with a slightly dazed expression. He felt himself growing endlessly powerless from the defenseless inner feelings being revealed.
His heart was boundlessly bleak. At the same time, he realized anew what kind of existence he had been to this kid all this time. And how often he had upset someone like that.
Had he said he would do well? Eunha thought flatly with a hint of emptiness. What an utterly absurd promise that was.
Still trapped in those arms, he stretched out the quiet silence for a while before suddenly opening his mouth.
“Yeonjun-ah.”
“……Yes.”
“I’ll do well too.”
It seemed he had vaguely made a promise. Though his unclear feelings remained the same…… there seemed to be something with higher priority than that.
That he liked seeing this kid happy. That he didn’t want to upset this kid. That tears made his heart feel even worse…… For the time being, he wanted to focus only on that.
* * *
That day, when he was finally released after being held for a long while, Eunha could see Yeonjun’s eyes, both corners still bright red and unable to settle down. The pupils that turned away as if feigning ignorance when their gazes quietly met, and in contrast, the earlobes that flushed transparently hot.
Seeing his embarrassed air, Eunha deliberately teased him to lighten the mood. What was he going to do, being so prone to tears like that? The answer came immediately. A firm, curt denial.
‘……I don’t cry a lot though.’
That voice being hoarsely muffled with moisture tickled the corners of his mouth. Though he didn’t smile.
‘Really?’
‘Yes.’
‘I see…… Is that so. I really had no idea.’
‘Ah, hyung……’
When he replied carelessly without soul, Yeonjun whined, drawing out his words as if feeling wronged. Eunha smirked with a cynical laugh and leisurely got up from his seat. Yeonjun continued his explanations while following closely behind him. It’s really a misunderstanding. Please forget it. I’m not that kind of person…….
‘That kind of person?’
Eunha burst into a laugh at the last remark. What was this about being “that kind of person” that he kept bringing up since last time?
When he turned around, a bit incredulous, Yeonjun, who had stopped following, rolled his eyes around. Then he unnecessarily fiddled with his own bangs.
‘It’s just…… it makes me look too much like a kid. Something like that.’
‘Mm.’
The corners of the eyes facing him seemed to droop. Though he was born with a sharp impression that shouldn’t look that way, he strangely appeared docile.
Did it mean he didn’t like appearing childish? Eunha tilted his head and scanned Yeonjun up and down once. But, to consider such a thing…… You are a kid. It’s not that you’re like a kid, that’s the reality.
Having thought that far, Eunha shook his head inwardly. Because it seemed like thoughts that would be of no benefit for his current self to have. And it probably wasn’t something Yeonjun particularly wanted either.
‘I see.’
Instead, he answered flatly and looked up ahead. After intently observing Yeonjun, who seemed to be bothered by it, he silently took a step closer. When he slowly reached his hand toward his eyes, Yeonjun flinched and slightly shrank his neck. Eunha maintained his expressionless face as he brought his fingers to Yeonjun’s hair. He began to neatly arrange the bangs that had been disheveled from being touched carelessly.
It was a somewhat deliberate, conscious act. Because the act called dating felt extremely awkward and unfamiliar to him. It was to engrave in his senses what it was, what it had been. It seemed like it would take considerable time to adapt unless he made efforts in certain areas like this.
At the gentle touch, Yeonjun’s expression turned subtly blank. Eunha looked calmly back at the eyes that blinked slowly as if dreaming.
‘Don’t worry about it. I like it.’
‘…….’
‘That you’re honest, that everything shows on your face.’
‘……You like it?’
‘Yeah.’
It was pure sincerity. That aspect had always felt novel to him, it was fascinating, and at some point he seemed to have even felt it was cute.
Though Yeonjun tilted his head as if he couldn’t quite relate, Eunha just lightly shrugged his shoulders.
After that, he stayed a bit longer before inevitably heading to work. He separated Yeonjun, who naturally tried to accompany him. When he specifically requested that he needed time alone, though reluctant, Yeonjun obediently listened.
Arriving at the cafe earlier than usual, he had to spend quite a while with a pensive expression. Unlike maintaining a calm and indifferent attitude the entire time he was at that house, his head was in a complex state as if it would burst. However, on the other hand, it became rather clear precisely because it was too complex. As if his insides, tangled to their limit, had finally been crushed beyond recognition.
After organizing his thoughts carefully, Eunha soon reached a final conclusion with an open heart. Wasn’t what’s good simply good?
Because that kid likes me that much.
I might not be to that extent…… No. Certainly not to that extent.
But it’s also true that I like that kid. It’s not like I had no feelings at all as in the past, it’s become not like that anymore.
If I try. If I do well. Perhaps.
……I might also be able to have a normal romance, an ordinary romance, something like that.
It was around that time. A call came from Yeonjun. After hesitating a bit and answering, what he heard was a voice subtly excited with elation.
– Hyung.
‘Yeah.’
– We’re really dating, right?
At the rather out-of-the-blue question, Eunha just made a blank expression. What followed was an even more puzzled tone.
– You and me?
‘……Didn’t we agree to that this morning?’
– It suddenly doesn’t feel real…….
At the answer that rippled heavily as if he’d received some great impression, laughter burst out unintentionally. Perhaps hearing it, a small laugh also erupted from the other side. What followed was a voice likewise rippling heavily with emotion.
– Hyung, what are you doing right now?
‘I’m not doing anything, just sitting here.’
– I miss you…….
‘How long has it even been since we parted?’
– It feels like it’s been several days.
‘Good grief.’
– I miss you so much right now…… What are you doing after work?
‘……Nothing.’
– Then do you want to eat dinner?
It was a voice fully swollen with expectation and longing. What more could he say? Eunha exhaled lightly through his nose and answered in surrender that he would. The call ended with a reply in a tone saturated with joy.
It was a noon with an exceptionally deep blue sky. A certain summer that had suddenly become idle right after the university vacation. Eunha put down his phone on the table and leaned his head back. Sitting in an indoor seat on the second floor with a good view of the terrace, staring blankly at the ceiling in a state of thoughtlessness, his own past suddenly came to mind hazily.
Those days of the past when he had been happy to death over a romance that succeeded after countless secret heartaches and pursuits that weren’t quite pursuits.
When he pinched his cheeks several times because he couldn’t believe it, constantly confirmed with the other person, and even then, unable to be certain, floundered in a dazed state for days on end…….
Perhaps that kid right now had the same feelings as his past self back then.
Eunha vaguely intuited, recalling the call just before. For some time, each day might be quite tumultuous and hectic. Those kind of frantic days where you meet and contact the other person without time to breathe, like that of someone who has nothing in life but romance, he might spend such busy days. Just like his past self had done.
And Eunha’s premonition didn’t miss the mark. He keenly felt this starting from that very night.
