Hmm… Eunha turned his body as if feigning ignorance.
“No. There’s no way I’d ask hyung for something like that… something like that, right now. You were saying you liked me and then stopped…”
“Right. Exactly… Because I’m trash who only has that kind of thing in my head.”
“Stop saying things like that.”
Even while flustered, he chided him as if to say that’s not right. As if he himself felt uncomfortable about it.
Since it was true, Eunha couldn’t understand why he kept telling him not to say it, which scratched at a corner of his nerves.
More than that, having exposed his true nature this much, shouldn’t Yeonjun be disgusted and pull away by now?
Dragging out the silence, Eunha chewed over what Yeonjun had said for a moment before finally letting out an empty breath.
Thinking it was a proposal with no substance.
“What would change? If we meet ten more times.”
“Who knows.”
“…”
“Wouldn’t it be possible that hyung might come to like me?”
Eunha laughed shortly.
“I guarantee you, that won’t happen.”
“Then there’s nothing stopping you from meeting me a few more times.”
“…”
“If you’re so certain.”
At the somewhat provocative tone, Eunha scoffed and looked back at Yeonjun.
However, he couldn’t say anything. Because if he refused, he’d be caught in the self-contradiction of a collision occurring.
Yeonjun was buried in the darkness of the night. Gazing at that face which seemed to have a sharper atmosphere, Eunha’s eyes took on a subtly pronounced look.
“Did you forget that you said you needed a bed partner?”
And yet at the mere mention of sex, his eyes dart all over the place.
Just as he was about to feel displeased, after releasing a puff of smoke, Yeonjun lowered his eyelids deeply. Then he slowly lifted them and calmly met his gaze.
Eyes that were gently feverish. Eyes that brought a strange feeling.
“Actually, I…”
“…”
“…don’t mind…”
Look at this.
Deeply inhaling the filter, Eunha narrowed his eyes into slits with an exasperated feeling.
Perhaps, you can’t know ten things from just one…
* * *
As expected, he couldn’t be an adult.
Tilting his head back, Eunha thought helplessly.
‘If you’re so certain.’
If you’re so certain. If you’re that confident… what’s the problem with meeting a few more times? To think he got his hackles raised by such a trivial provocation. To even feel like he wanted to prove it.
He thought himself unbearably ridiculous and childish. To not yield in response to a freshly twenty-year-old recklessly placing a bet without fear.
But it was also true that he couldn’t not respond. Before Yeonjun who was waiting for an answer as if he’d laid a trap, he couldn’t bring himself to say no. Because Eunha truly didn’t care. Whether they met several more times in the future, or whatever happened between them. It would have no meaning or value to him anyway.
There was no need to act as if he had regrets about a matter he didn’t care about either way. After casually offering the response of “go ahead and try if you want to,” while looking at Yeonjun who had that characteristically unusual look in his eyes, the objection “but isn’t ten times a bit much?” came belatedly, but to retract it and suggest reducing it to five times seemed extremely shabby in its own way. So Eunha just puffed away at his cigarette. He also thought that whether it was five times or ten times, the result would be no different anyway, so that didn’t really matter much either.
Whether it’s five times, ten times, or a hundred times.
‘Wouldn’t it be possible that hyung might come to like me?’
Such a thing couldn’t happen. Even thinking about it again, it was ridiculous. Really, something said out of knowing nothing.
While living promiscuously, he’d repeated meetings and partings with countless people. Excluding one-time connections, even just the partners he’d maintained relationships with for about a month or longer exceeded ten fingers. Mixing bodies like it was routine, sharing body heat, sharing parts of time and space, sometimes even falling asleep together.
Even in relationships that, excluding emotions, weren’t really that different from the results of dating, Eunha had never had his heart go out to anyone. Sure, he’d felt human-level fondness and intimacy, but it always stopped there. He could say with certainty that it had never developed into emotions beyond that. Instead, he’d only been disgusted watching partners who, unlike him, showed changed feelings.
Saying “why are you being like this when I thought we both knew what this was?” That it had become troublesome. That another annoying ending had come.
He’d ultimately broken up with Jeong Taegeon, whom he’d considered a pretty compatible partner, for the same reason.
So how could anything change from just a few meetings?
Eunha decided to think of it simply. That it wasn’t actually a bad method since the ending was clearly defined. It was true that he felt sorry as Yeonjun said. Also, the time spent together wasn’t uncomfortable or unpleasant. It wouldn’t be bad to spend time together a few times, kind of like humoring a younger cousin.
Right… that’s all there was to it. Then they’d cleanly wrap things up and part ways. Yeonjun, having thoroughly experienced that there are things in the world that can’t be achieved through will and heart alone, would return to where he should be, and he himself would go back to living his daily life.
If they couldn’t wrap things up cleanly and Yeonjun clung on again, then he’d have a solid justification to refuse. There would be no more debt weighing on his heart either.
He was walking while organizing his thoughts carefully. Yeonjun, who’d finished his call from over there, approached. He offered an apology for making him wait. Eunha nodded indifferently and leisurely crossed his arms. He asked while habitually rubbing somewhere on his forearm over the thin fabric.
“That girlfriend from earlier?”
“Earlier…? Ah, right. A friend who’s a girl.”
“You two looked good together.”
After a brief silence, Yeonjun whipped his head to the side. Toward Eunha who was walking carelessly while looking only ahead, like someone who hadn’t detected that presence at all, he wrinkled his eyes as if he’d heard something absurd.
“Hyung. She’s just a friend. Not once in my life, not even for one second, has she been anything but a friend.”
“I mean you look better like that. Better than when you’re with me.”
“…Why? I think we look good together too, hyung.”
At the somehow sulky tone, this time Eunha looked up to the side. Their eyes met, and Yeonjun, who’d had a calm expressionless face, slyly put on a playful look.
“Hyung, you’re handsome too.”
“…You know that’s not what I mean.”
“If not that, then.”
“Doesn’t an eight-year age gap bother you at all?”
He himself had never dated someone with that much of an age difference. The maximum had been six years. Even that wasn’t a small gap, Eunha thought.
Could it really not bother him at all? That he could have romantic feelings for me, was that even plausible? What was he lacking? Could it possibly be a misunderstanding… He was extending his thoughts.
“I like it though…”
It was a voice brimming with ripples. A voice that genuinely thought it was good and advantageous.
At that flushed answer, his lungs momentarily squeezed tight and laughter burst out. This kid, really, it’s so absurd.
Then Yeonjun stared at him while breaking into a grin again. Eunha became even more dumbfounded. What kind of kid is this? These aspects are mind-boggling and exasperating, but at the same time, these parts also feel comfortable and fun. Whether he’s doing this to be funny on purpose or what.
“Is dating older people your type?”
“…Probably?”
Eunha bobbed his head. That could be… I like older people too.
The reason Eunha’s preference was established that way was mostly due to the influence of his first. Because the first person he held feelings for was older.
“So have you dated older people before?”
“Mm… yes.”
“Don’t tell me, back then you also dated someone with like an eight-year age gap.”
“Of course not, hyung. I was a high schooler. Just someone at the same school, noo…”
The words that had been flowing carelessly suddenly died down completely. What? Eunha, who’d momentarily hesitated and stopped, saw in his field of vision a figure slowly walking ahead as if nothing had happened. Eunha stared at that back of the head in bewilderment before eventually catching up with quick steps. Having confirmed this, Yeonjun had a face that was feigning innocence while looking in some random direction. His lips twisted into a smirk.
