The low bass voice becomes subtly blurred when pronouncing “sex partner.” Eunha slowly chewed over his words. It was advice about the complaints he’d been rambling on about until now. The meaning was, wouldn’t it be fine to just live a bit more soundly and well.
Suddenly an empty breath flowed out. Because it was such an obvious correct answer. Even an elementary schooler wouldn’t be unaware of that clear method.
“That’s right. That’s what I should do.”
“……”
“But I don’t really want to live well either.”
Eunha let out a chuckle.
“So that’s why it’s more…… fucked up. Because I know how contradictory this feeling is.”
He hated his pathetic self, but that didn’t mean he had the will to live passionately. The self-contradiction mixed with self-loathing and lethargy had been eating away at Eunha for a very long time. Rotten emotions that acted as the source of his shitfits.
When it became truly unbearable due to Gu Haebin’s nagging after watching him, he visited the psychiatric clinic, but he’d never fully relied on it. Eunha had once been dragged by his mother on a tour of every famous hospital. It meant he’d reached a level where just seeing the character for “psychiatry” made his teeth chatter. All the doctors seemed like quacks, he couldn’t trust them at all, and when he took medicine, he’d either become hazy as if he’d lost a screw, get maddeningly sleepy, or conversely remain in an awakened state as if he’d stayed up for three nights—so he really didn’t want to depend on them.
Some medicines even strangely seemed to temporarily impair his memory when taken, making him even less inclined.
When he endured that stupefied consciousness intoxicated by medicine like that, the depression would instead double.
Eunha clung to ordinary daily life instead of medicine. Opening the cafe while putting in effort over a long time, directly participating in running the shop when it would be sufficient to make people work without lifting a finger, diligently raising plants. Even studying hard by researching things after going home. It was all part of that. It was the minimum effort.
What had been effort at first had now really become daily life, so there wasn’t particularly any mental strain. Such a lifestyle was basic and natural for Eunha. Except for summer, there were actually almost no cases of digging holes like this. Just that in each of those rare cases, his insides became distorted beyond words. As if the buried emotions retroactively came rushing in.
“Pathetic, right.”
Though it was in question form, in reality it was merely a tone of blaming himself.
To that self-deprecation, a brief answer returned.
“No.”
A calm voice. Eunha, who had been glaring at the blue table, slowly raised his head. His gaze interlocked precisely with Yeonjun, who had been looking this way while lightly resting his chin.
“I think truly pathetic people are those who don’t know they’re pathetic.”
“……”
“There are so many shameless people in the world.”
After finishing speaking, Yeonjun, who had been gazing as if gauging him for a while, smoothly tilted his head supported by his palm.
“And. Just looking at what hyung is saying.”
“……”
“The words about not wanting to live well don’t seem very sincere.”
“……”
“Hyung actually looks like someone who really wants to live well….”
While speaking, as if something was awkward, his cheeks flushed slightly red. The face with only a faint blush rising on an expressionless look somehow brought a ticklish sensation.
Was I like that…… Eunha thought slowly while feeling his reason flickering. He couldn’t tell whether the intoxication was rushing in rapidly or whether the tension was releasing because the voice and content he was hearing were excessively cozy. In any case, he desperately wanted to sleep. Feeling like he could sleep now.
The inside of his heart, which had been clumped with depression and self-deprecation, relaxed drowsily. As consciousness scattered, his eyelids rapidly became heavy. His mind quickly faded to black. It was finally the unconsciousness he’d wished for.
“If you sleep here, your mouth will go crooked.”
But, what does it matter anyway since earlier…… Grumbling dizzily, Eunha released the strength from his entire body. It would be more correct to say the strength suddenly drained out in an instant.
What came to Eunha, who suddenly tilted forward as if the power had been cut off, wasn’t the hard feeling of the table or pain from some impact, but merely the solid sensation of hands supporting his forehead and gripping his forearm.
* * *
A splitting headache came along with the sudden awakening. Eunha, who squeezed his eyes shut again as soon as he opened them, curled up his body. Burying his face deeply in the cozy sheets, he made a groaning sound. After enduring the sizzling feeling for a long while, he could barely drag his body up. The sensation of the blanket that had been covering him flowing down along his body was vivid.
An empty feeling.
Eunha, who knew well what that meant, looked down with eyes that had frozen coldly in an instant.
He saw his bare body.
“……”
His skin was mottled with various marks. His chest, which had been bitten painfully, was swollen. Though he thought it was natural since rolling around enthusiastically with Jeong Taegeon was just yesterday, somehow a chilling energy bit along his spine. It was an instinctive intuition.
Eunha, with a face where the drowsiness hadn’t completely lifted, fumblingly stuck his hand inside the blanket. He was wearing pants. After holding his forehead a bit dizzily, he looked around. It was a thoroughly unfamiliar room.
However, the reason some parts felt familiar was because the interior finishing materials and structure were identical to the officetel where he lived. The location of the dressing room separated by sliding doors. The overall familiar finishing treatment. Even the familiar door and window frames.
Even the outdoor scenery visible beyond the window was similar.
Eunha looked out at the sky where the dusky sun had risen while rummaging through his pitch-black painted memories. Yesterday. Yesterday, so…….
‘What are you doing here?’
Ah. Right. In front of the convenience store with that person.
The moment he thought that, with good timing—no, with bad timing—the door opened with a clatter.
What was immediately captured in Eunha’s field of vision as he casually turned his head was the man’s bare body.
Yeonjun was wearing only black shorts that came down to his knees. A towel was held in his hand, and his hair, wet with moisture, was curlier than usual. He, who had been entering while drying his dripping hair, discovered Eunha and noticeably froze.
“……Ah.”
For a moment, bewilderment rose in his sharp eyes. His black pupils seemed to waver rapidly, then rolled to the side. He closed the door he’d opened wide, leaving only a crack. Eunha narrowly examined that gap. That reaction…… What was it. Suspicious. It was too suspicious. It was indirect evidence that added considerable credibility to the conclusion he’d tentatively reached.
Soon a small voice was heard.
“……I have to prepare to go to school.”
Eunha, who had been briefly chewing over Yeonjun’s words, chuckled silently. It was a sage time that had suddenly arrived. An unfamiliar bed. A top that had gone somewhere. An aching body…….
As sleep lifted and his five senses revived, even his buttocks throbbed as if they’d hit something.
Given the circumstances, it seemed certain they’d had relations yesterday, and since the other party was saying he had to prepare to go to school, he felt absurd about himself.
I slept with a college student.
Drunk out of my mind. Really going crazy…….
An unplanned one-night stand was a fairly awkward situation even for Eunha.
Two people in one day is really a bit. Doesn’t it seem like living too recklessly…….
“Do that, then.”
He responded impassively for now.
“Can I come in?”
“Why not?”
Was it something that needed permission? When it was his own house. However, Yeonjun didn’t come in. Instead, he let out a low sigh. As if troubled.
“……I brought clothes next to the bed.”
When he looked around, as he said, neatly folded clothes were placed on the nightstand. Arranged neatly as if laundered. It was the knit sweater he’d worn yesterday. Eunha picked it up while looking strangely at the door that was still only cracked open. In other words, he could only come in once he put on clothes.
The attitude of keeping distance after doing everything they’d done felt peculiar. Acting so reserved…… Wasn’t he probably the very person who’d taken off these clothes?
At the thought of it being shallow pretense, Eunha smiled a bit while putting on the clothes. As he stuck his head through the neckline, the smell of an unfamiliar fabric softener wafted strongly. At the scent that was pleasant to the point of giving goosebumps, his neck stiffened for a moment. A feeling of somewhere he couldn’t pinpoint precisely becoming suddenly ticklish.
Was it because of the situation. Even such points somehow felt deliberate. As if like a scheme…….
