“So-yeon-ah, what about me instead of Hyun-wook? Hyun-wook says he doesn’t make girlfriends or anything. Kids giving him this stuff are lined up besides you, but he doesn’t even blink. Why don’t you leave this boring bastard alone and have dinner with me for some deep conversation?”
“You crazy bastard. Hyun-wook’s face is interesting!”
The boys snickered.
“Stop it.”
Really, it was a voice that didn’t suit that fierce face. Every gaze in the lecture hall turned toward him. Jung Hyun-wook was different from me in every way. An existence always in the middle of people’s gazes wherever he went. Even I strangely kept having my gaze stolen by him.
“I appreciate the sentiment. But there won’t be any reason to save the number. I’m sorry.”
It was a clean rejection. The spirited female student’s face turned bright red, then she quickly disappeared through the back door. The boys who had been teasingly mocking her became embarrassed instead and scolded him, asking why he had to go that far.
“This way they won’t give me this stuff anymore. I don’t have time to date. It’s annoying.”
It was words meant for everyone in the lecture hall to hear. It was also a declaration that from now on, no one should push such bothersome feelings on him anymore.
I slung my backpack on. The weight of the thick textbook was heavy. Today, at the request of the part-timer on the earlier shift, my work time had been moved up. There were exactly 30 minutes left until the convenience store shift change. I had to walk diligently. I was gripping both backpack straps and heading toward the back door of the lecture hall when—
“Hey, Mo Hyo-kyung!”
I slowly turned around as if rooted to the spot. The short man with a round face was the class president. I’d seen him a few times early on announcing meeting schedules from the podium. After that, it seemed he notified via text. I had never once replied to those texts.
“There’s a freshman welcome party tonight at 7 at a beer hall near school. You can come, right? No, you have to come. You’re the only one who’s missed all the class events so far.”
Our class had good solidarity, perhaps because of the title of being the last incoming law school freshmen disappearing into the back alleys of history. I didn’t attend any of the pre-admission orientations. The daily wage Jong-hwa and I lost attending the entrance ceremony was a week’s rent. When I entered the first class, everyone except me was already close.
“Why do you keep ignoring the texts? I have to say things twice because of you. Stop with the individual play.”
The class president spoke as if a very annoying matter had arisen. Students leaving the lecture hall murmured as if something worth watching had appeared. I glanced at the diagonal side. I could see the back of Jung Hyun-wook’s head.
“Don’t your words sound like words to you? Answer me. Are you mute?”
After checking my watch, I walked straight to the back door. If I delayed any further here, I’d be late.
“Hey! Mo Hyo-kyung! What’s with her being so stuck-up?”
“Which foreign language high school did Mo Hyo-kyung go to?”
“Don’t know. Not our school.”
“Did she come from abroad? She doesn’t know Korean sentiment way too much. School connections! How important is this?”
“Is she maybe well-off?”
“Where’s someone here who isn’t well-off?”
“I heard in rumors that Songrim’s son is at our school. Is that maybe her?”
I could hear them talking about me all the way to the hallway. I grabbed my backpack straps and started running.
***
Ding-a-ling— I threw open the convenience store door with force.
“Safe with one minute to spare—!”
With a cheerful sound, I bent at the waist and let out the breath I’d been holding. It felt like someone was wringing out my lungs. A dry cough burst out.
“Man, this hyung really has no sense. Like I’m gonna put the screws to you for being a few minutes late? You practically ran here like your life depended on it. Now I feel bad for no reason.”
Contrary to his scolding words, the hand patting my back was gentle. Having barely caught my breath, I put on my convenience store vest first.
“Hyung, did you eat dinner? I put in a ton of orders for triangle kimbap and lunch boxes today. There’s definitely gonna be stuff to throw out, so make sure you eat. You like tuna mayo, don’t you?”
Park Jun-il, whose hair was dyed bright yellow, followed me around. He was the previous shift part-timer responsible for my handover. At first, I mistook him for a total thug, but it turned out he was the convenience store owner’s son. He couldn’t adapt to school life, so he dropped out and was preparing for the qualification exam. The bright yellow dye was a kind of self-defense. He got so much shit from drunk customers during the night shift. You really can’t judge people by their appearance.
“Hyung. When I pass the qualification exam, I’m gonna prep for the college entrance exam. I wasn’t planning on going to college or anything… It’s just, you know, all these college students get drunk and act like total assholes here, and it killed my motivation. But seeing you changed my mind. I wanna try living more diligently too.”
You really do live and learn. Looking at someone like me and dreaming of a future. Originally, at that age, everyone older than you seems like some amazing adult. Just like how I came all the way here looking at Tak Jae-hyun alone.
“Hyung, but aren’t you gonna answer your phone? It’s been ringing non-stop.”
I checked the name on the phone. I pushed Jun-il’s back out of the convenience store. Even while being pushed out, Jun-il didn’t stop talking until the very end. He really was a talkative kid. Once he realized I didn’t talk much, he started talking enough for both of us.
“Who is it? Someone that obsessive is one of two things, right? Either a lover or a stalker.”
I only answered the phone after completely chasing away Jun-il, who was hovering at the door.
— Why can’t our Hyo-kyung ever answer the phone on the first try?
When there was no answer, I heard the sound of a cigarette being lit on the other end. As if waiting for me, Jong-hwa leisurely exhaled cigarette smoke before speaking.
— I deposited the rent to the landlady ahjumma. Did she call today? That ahjumma always calls only you, doesn’t she? Even though I keep telling her to contact me.
“…She didn’t call today.”
When I answered, I heard laughter.
— I thought our Hyo-kyung didn’t feel like talking again today. Thought some asshole motherfuckers were acting like assholes again.
Jong-hwa and I, who became independent from the orphanage as soon as we turned eighteen, stayed in a cramped goshiwon, and just a month ago finally managed to get a semi-basement room. Jong-hwa got the deposit.
‘The delivery place I work at said they were in a rush, so they advanced my salary. Fuck, I guess the boss really doesn’t wanna lose me ’cause I work so damn well.’
I didn’t exactly believe Jong-hwa’s words as they were. But even if I pressed for the truth there, there was nothing I could do. I chose silence instead of the truth. It had been that way since childhood. The workbooks Jong-hwa bought, writing supplies, even academy fees. At some point, I stopped asking where that money came from.
— Yo, I got a delivery call. Gotta go. You remember what the doctor said, right? Even if it sucks, you gotta keep practicing opening your mouth. How’s someone who’s gonna be a judge supposed to get by without being able to talk? Though they do say judges don’t need to talk much. Are you listening, Mo Hyo-kyung?
“…Yeah.”
— I told you, right? We gotta change now. We’re not those pathetic losers living in an orphanage anymore.
That’s right. There was no longer a fence to protect us, nor a fence to oppress us. To be responsible for the freedom we were given required a great price.
Jong-hwa worked delivery jobs until dawn, then went to work loading and unloading packages in the morning. While I was at school, he came home, caught two or three hours of sleep, changed his clothes, and went back to work. It had already been a week since I’d seen Jong-hwa’s face.
“Jong-hwa-ya.”
This time, Jong-hwa didn’t answer at all.
“Be careful.”
The only reason I could just work a convenience store part-time job and study was all thanks to Jong-hwa. Jong-hwa worked all day to earn my tuition and pay the rent. Jong-hwa was paying an even greater price than I was.
“Don’t talk shit. I bought groceries, so cook and eat some rice. Stop eating expired triangle kimbap and shit like that all the time. Hanging up.”
I stared at the disconnected phone for a long while. It felt like my anxiously pounding heart was settling down comfortably. A faint smile formed. Right, I had to change.
I was no longer Hope Orphanage Number 30.
***
I started feeling uncomfortable speaking after I entered the orphanage. At first, everyone worried about me when I suddenly shut my mouth overnight.
The doctor said it was a psychological issue. Because of my mother’s sudden death and my father going to prison, it would have been stranger if I were normal.
The doctor said to observe for a few more months. That once I adapted to the orphanage, my ability to speak would naturally return—that was the only prescription the doctor could give.
Back then, I didn’t know what I should say and what I shouldn’t say. So I just shut my mouth instead. At least when I didn’t have to say anything, I felt comfortable. When something was urgent, I wrote notes, and when necessary, I used sign language. When six months passed after I closed my mouth, people no longer cared that I didn’t speak. At the orphanage, at school—I was always alone.
I finally obtained complete peace.
But there were no eternal secrets. Because I closed my mouth out of necessity and couldn’t actually speak, sometimes I wanted to have conversations. Of course, that target wasn’t a living, moving human. I talked to the wildflowers blooming on the path at the beginning of the trail leading to the mountain behind the orphanage. Hepatica, primrose, celandine poppy… They varied in shape and color. After finishing class, I’d run straight to the back garden of the orphanage without even taking off my bag.
