And if they were living together… Taeon shook his head vigorously to stop himself from imagining further.
“Think again.”
“About what?”
“Being used to it doesn’t mean you won’t get hurt. And if you live together, you’ll be right there next to him every time that bastard does those things, and I hate that sight.”
“What does it matter if you hate it?”
Taeon’s breath caught at Sunjeong’s question, as if he were genuinely curious.
“Because you’re my friend?”
At Sunjeong’s question that came again, Taeon pressed his lips together even tighter.
Whatever the case, it was time to say exactly what needed to be said. He couldn’t avoid saying this.
Because before Jinhyeok, Sunjeong had Taeon. Because he habitually regarded getting hurt because of Taeon as normal.
“Because it seems like you think it’s natural to get hurt because of me.”
“…”
“If I’m the one who made you have those feelings, I thought I should stop you. Like you said, I’m your friend… and also.”
“…”
“And Go Sunjeong.”
Sunjeong was startled for a moment. Because there were transparent tears welling up in Taeon’s eyes as he called his name.
Without any sign of surprise, embarrassment, or any expression at all, Taeon simply wiped away his tears with an indifferent face and said,
“I wronged you. I’m sorry.”
The wind from the riverside coldly brushed Sunjeong’s cheek.
All kinds of thoughts flooded Sunjeong’s mind.
Seeing tears from Taeon, given his personality, felt so unfamiliar.
And to apologize so quickly. He had thought it would take quite a long time for Taeon to acknowledge himself.
Sunjeong wanted to caress the face of Taeon, who stood silently with his gaze slightly lowered as if waiting for Sunjeong’s answer. But he couldn’t. Not yet. Instead, Sunjeong decided to apologize for what he should rightfully apologize for.
“I’m sorry too.”
“For what?”
The answer came back too quickly, along with a surprised face as if asking why he was apologizing.
If only Taeon hadn’t apologized, if only he hadn’t cried, I wouldn’t be confessing this truth right now.
“Actually, Jinhyeok isn’t my boyfriend.”
“What?”
This time Taeon’s face scrunched up slightly. Looking at his expression that seemed to demand an explanation, Sunjeong continued in a calm voice.
“He is a friend I live with, but it’s not just the two of us living there.”
“It’s not two people?”
“Right. Jinhyeok’s boyfriend also lives with us. That phone call you heard earlier, Yoonwoo—that must have been Jinhyeok’s lover. He’s a beta and there would likely be opposition from the family due to various circumstances, so the three of us are living together with me included.”
Taeon’s expression changed moment by moment as Sunjeong spoke.
Rather than anger at Sunjeong’s lie, the impression of relief seemed stronger.
Watching the confusion that soon filled Taeon’s face as he seemed to digest Sunjeong’s words with a complicated expression, Sunjeong decided to say what he needed to say.
“We agreed to stay friends, didn’t we, Yoon Taeon.”
“…Yeah, that’s right.”
“I thought you might feel burdened if I was alone like before.”
“I would feel burdened?”
“You always found it burdensome that I liked you.”
“…”
“Of course, I don’t like you anymore now. I mean, not as a romantic interest, but as a friend.”
“…”
Sunjeong had a childish side too. He wanted to make Taeon, who had hurt him, feel just a little bit of what Sunjeong had experienced.
He had constantly realized in the room that this revenge didn’t make him feel pleasant.
He had decided to say they broke up appropriately after about a month, and that’s when Jinhyeok caused trouble on his own.
Taeon’s expression grew darker and darker at Sunjeong’s words.
It seemed he wasn’t pleased that Sunjeong had told such a lie.
If he says he’s really upset, I’ll have to apologize more properly. Sunjeong resolved, trying to steady his heart that kept wavering, perhaps because of the night breeze.
Ah, I want to kiss him.
Sunjeong thought unconsciously as he watched Taeon’s lips moving, seeming to want to say something to him.
But the kiss Sunjeong wanted wasn’t just the contact of lips meeting lips. People who are certain they like each other, people who are already lovers, who can’t control their hearts and end up doing it anyway. That’s what he wanted to do, so the current impulse felt shallow.
Since he had also committed the wrong of lying, Sunjeong quietly waited for Taeon’s judgment when a low voice reached his ears.
“There must be a reason why you, Go Sunjeong, acted that way.”
“…”
“Because you’re not someone who lies carelessly. You’re not.”
“…”
Sunjeong’s heart ached a little at Taeon’s innocent trust.
Even now, Sunjeong was lying. That he didn’t like Taeon.
“Anyway, well, I’m glad that bastard, no, that person isn’t your boyfriend. I’m also glad he’s not trash who cheats.”
“He’s completely sincere. To his boyfriend. And he’s a scaredy-cat, so he must have been really scared earlier.”
“I won’t have any business with him… Go Sunjeong, you apologize for me.”
“Well, you misunderstood.”
Thinking of Jinhyeok who would be nestled in Yoonwoo’s arms grumbling by now, a light laugh slipped out.
A smile also appeared on Taeon’s lips as he watched Sunjeong’s smile.
“Want to eat ramen? If we walk for about 30 more minutes, I think we’ll reach the convenience store we went to when we were in high school.”
“I’m full from the oysters. Coffee instead?”
“Yeah, that’s good too. Get on my back if your legs hurt.”
Sunjeong’s hesitant heart soon weakened.
“I want a piggyback ride.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, really.”
Though Taeon asked in surprise at Sunjeong’s words, he soon obediently bent down.
After briefly looking at his still broad back, Sunjeong lightly leaned his body against Taeon like in his high school days.
The body scent mixed with the pheromone scent that could only be detected when very close because he was a recessive alpha gently tickled the tip of Sunjeong’s nose.
“Your back is too hard.”
“It’s all muscle.”
Because of Taeon speaking proudly, laughter flowed from Sunjeong’s mouth again. At that small breath, Taeon hesitated for a moment then soon began to walk.
Even with Sunjeong on his back, Taeon walked forward lightly like someone walking alone. It had already been several years since Sunjeong had been on Taeon’s back. Enjoying the rhythmic swaying quite a bit, Sunjeong quietly opened his mouth.
“Jinhyeok acted really disgustingly earlier, didn’t he?”
“Calling him honey was no joke.”
“He’s completely the real deal.”
As if waiting for Sunjeong’s next words, Taeon just walked silently.
“His family opposes it, but he says he doesn’t care. Yoonwoo, ah, that’s his boyfriend’s name, Yoonwoo also gave up what he needed to give up to be with Jinhyeok.”
“…”
“I learned a lot watching them.”
“…”
“So that’s what love is. Not caring about getting hurt and being in pain. No, it’s not that it doesn’t matter—it’s willingly bearing it.”
“…”
“What we did was just kids’ games.”
He could feel Taeon’s neck suddenly stiffen.
Even though Sunjeong deliberately used “we” instead of “I,” Taeon remained quiet without trying to refute as usual.
“Next time, I hope both you and I can love courageously in our own ways. Right?”
“…”
With these words, Sunjeong buried his face in Taeon’s shoulder.
Taeon didn’t give any answer until the end.
***
After sharing a cup of convenience store coffee with Sunjeong and taking him to the studio apartment where he lived, it was almost midnight by the time Taeon returned home.
Taeon stood blankly under the hot water for a long time, moving sluggishly.
He even deliberately inhaled Sunjeong’s pheromones remaining on his body.
Eventually, after washing his body clean with soap, all that remained was Taeon’s own body scent and pheromones.
After melting in the hot water for a long time, his body felt even more drowsy after washing. In a mood much more tired than when he did physical work, Taeon threw himself into the fluffy blanket.
After closing his eyes for a while, Taeon opened them again.
‘So that’s what love is. Not caring about getting hurt and being in pain. No, it’s not that it doesn’t matter—it’s willingly bearing it.’
‘Next time, I hope both you and I can love courageously in our own ways. Right?’
It was because Sunjeong’s calm voice kept echoing vividly in Taeon’s ears.
Taeon’s vision filled with the fluorescent light and the interior of his home as he opened his eyes. It was a small but sturdy room with not much in the way of furnishings, but with no unpleasant corners due to his fairly tidy nature.
Taeon had never really thought about a life beyond this. What Taeon wanted was only the peace of daily life where today connected to tomorrow, to the day after, to the distant future. He wanted a life of living steadily and diligently, eating and living better by consistently doing physical work for a living—he had never wanted a different world.
Sunjeong naturally couldn’t exist in the world Taeon wanted.
If Sunjeong were to live together in Taeon’s life…
At least the past Sunjeong, who had liked Taeon as more than a friend, would have willingly accepted it. After all, there had been several times when he had to firmly send Sunjeong back to his family home when he acted like he would settle into Taeon’s house.
He would have liked living in a studio apartment like playing house. Being a bit poor? He wouldn’t have cared at all.
