He didn’t originally think that way.
Anyway, Sunjeong and Taeon didn’t suit each other. Sunjeong had a world that suited him, and Taeon had a world he needed to live in. It was safe to say there was no intersection between those two worlds.
That’s why he wanted to distance himself from Sunjeong. Until he realized what Sunjeong distancing himself meant.
Taeon had nothing to say even if he had ten mouths.
Knowing that words forced out when you have nothing to say could be the worst thing, Taeon kept silent for now.
Sunjeong also didn’t seem to be waiting for Taeon’s quick answer, as he simply ate the tiramisu in front of him bite by bite without any particular urging.
Even in front of the drinks that were soon served, there was no lively conversation. With a thirst as if his throat was burning, Taeon gulped down his draft beer while Sunjeong slowly drank his highball.
Go Sunjeong, if you’re okay with it, can’t we keep in touch?
We’re still best friends, after all.
Taeon really wanted to say this.
Because he’d come to know what it meant for Sunjeong to disappear from the radius of his life.
Because he’d learned the fact that he didn’t really want that kind of life—no, to be precise, that life without Sunjeong was like complete, terrible darkness to him.
Until now, Taeon had considered his life to be like a beast faithful only to the instincts of eating, sleeping, working, and mating. That was precisely the life Taeon wanted to live. To do that, he’d considered Sunjeong or the feelings he shared with Sunjeong to be nothing but cumbersome.
When he was really placed in such a life alone, it was no longer the comfortable, peaceful daily life Taeon had known.
Daily life without Sunjeong’s presence was, for Taeon, just miserable days of living because he couldn’t die.
But he couldn’t hold onto Sunjeong with the word “friend” anymore, so he kept his mouth firmly shut.
If I blurt that out right now, I think I now know Sunjeong won’t want to see my face anymore.
“Let’s be friends.”
It was Sunjeong who said this, not Taeon.
“What did you say?”
“Why are you surprised? Don’t want to contact me anymore? If that’s the case, then let’s just live like that.”
“It’s not that……”
“Honestly, you could have completely ignored me yesterday.”
Nonsense. From the moment he discovered Sunjeong, the tectonic shift in Taeon’s heart was on the level of heaven and earth splitting open. He’d pretended to be calm, but that couldn’t be helped. It was just that the instinctive intuition that if he missed this time, there would be no next visit from Sunjeong to the café felt too intensely strong.
“But seeing how you asked for my number, well, you wanted to keep in touch with me, didn’t you?”
“I was surprised and happy. I couldn’t reach you. Of course I wanted to know your number. Because I want to contact you.”
Sunjeong’s gaze was sharp as he looked at Taeon, who hid what should be hidden but honestly said what came to mind.
“Okay. Then let’s be friends now.”
“……”
“Let’s contact each other occasionally, ask how we’re doing and live like that. Contact each other if there are family events. Let’s live like that, us.”
“……”
What is he saying right now?
No, I understand what he’s saying, but……
In front of Sunjeong’s talk about being “friends,” Taeon, whose insides kept burning up, finished the rest of his beer.
“Do you want to be that kind of friend with me?”
In front of Sunjeong’s following words, Taeon had to feel an even greater thirst.
“Yoon Taeon.”
“Yeah.”
“I’m asking if you want to be that kind of friend with me. Really.”
“……”
“If that’s right, I’ll grant your wish.”
“……”
“Say it clearly today.”
Name is Yoon Taeon. Age is twenty-two.
High school graduate. Military service exempted through trait designation.
Personality is realistic but also tends to be avoidant.
Still, he takes pride in having lived fairly diligently, but absolutely not the type who can do love well.
In front of Sunjeong’s firm words, Taeon quickly examined his life and imagined one thing. What would happen to my life if I said right now that I want to become ‘that kind of friend’?
I think living is fucking meaningless.
This kind of sentence would be added.
When he thought Sunjeong was annoyingly chasing after him, he’d lived diligently somehow, determined to become an adult who lived well on his own without borrowing Sunjeong’s strength, but even that diligence would become meaningless.
“I want to be friends with you……”
In the end, Taeon slowly opened his mouth while gulping down dry saliva.
“Not friends who contact each other occasionally, but like before, can’t we get along closely?”
“……”
Worried that Sunjeong might misunderstand the meaning of “like before,” Taeon quickly opened his mouth again.
“Not you chasing after me. Contacting each other often and getting along closely. Like real friends.”
Feeling thirsty again, Taeon cleared his throat for no reason, coughing emptily. It feels like I’d live if I just drank one more beer, but now’s not the atmosphere for that.
Sunjeong was also just stirring his highball, which had turned pale as all the ice melted.
Taeon looked at Sunjeong, lost in deep thought, with anxious eyes.
“Okay, then.”
Unexpectedly, Sunjeong answered in a refreshing voice.
“Let’s get along closely. As friends.”
“……Yeah, let’s do that.”
Even though he’d received the answer he wanted, Taeon answered in an ambiguous voice, somehow feeling strangely uneasy.
“Let’s get along well from now on. I’ll give you my number too, now.”
Sunjeong held out his hand in the air. It took a very slight buffering before Taeon realized that gesture was requesting a handshake, and he quickly came to his senses and clasped Sunjeong’s hand.
Sunjeong’s hand was still small and warm.
Before Taeon could put strength into his hand holding Sunjeong’s hand, the hand quickly pulled away.
“Please treat me well as a friend from now on, Yoon Taeon.”
“Okay.”
Things clearly went well, we became friends who keep in touch with each other, but Taeon’s mood was strange.
***
In the daily life flowing day by day, he kept recalling the handshake with Sunjeong.
The texture of soft skin completely different from Taeon’s hands, the thin bone structure of slender fingers, and the warmth.
The reason he kept recalling the handshake of the promise to become friends was probably because contact with Sunjeong wasn’t going well after they’d agreed to become friends.
No, there was a discrepancy in saying contact wasn’t going well. Contact with Sunjeong was happening.
However, the problem was that although they’d clearly agreed to become close friends like before, not everything was the same as before.
Taeon sent Sunjeong greeting messages every day. Even calling them greetings was too grand. It was just a heart curious about every single trivial daily thing, like whether Sunjeong had eaten, whether he was listening well to today’s lecture.
Sunjeong answered well to all these messages Taeon sent. Even if his replies were a bit late when he was busy, he never ignored Taeon’s contact.
So contact was clearly happening, but……
It seemed the reason Taeon’s heart was bothered like this was because Sunjeong never contacted him first.
Sunjeong answered Taeon’s question about whether he was eating well by saying he was eating well, answered the question about whether he was listening well to lectures by saying he was busy with assignments, and faithfully answered questions about what he was doing now with whatever he was doing at the time.
In short, he only answered Taeon’s questions. If Taeon didn’t ask something, the conversation didn’t continue.
He didn’t even come close to Sentence, which Taeon thought he’d visit often.
If Taeon didn’t contact him, Sunjeong probably wouldn’t contact him either.
This was definitely not the same kind of friendship as before that Taeon had in mind, but it was difficult to complain about it.
In truth, Sunjeong’s current behavior wasn’t different from Taeon’s past behavior. No, he was actually much better than Taeon. Even when contact came, if he was busy or didn’t feel like it, Taeon often ignored it and didn’t answer as sincerely and wholeheartedly as Sunjeong did. There was even less of Taeon going outside his neighborhood to meet Sunjeong.
Would he eat with me if I ask him to eat?
Taeon, who had been worrying alone, let out a hollow laugh.
When did eating a meal with Sunjeong become something that requires this much courage for me?
Rather, shouldn’t he be able to have a meal casually if he really wants to remain friends with Sunjeong? If he wants to attend Sunjeong’s wedding someday as a friend and enjoy a delicious meal.
After worrying briefly, Taeon opened his phone. There was still no answer to his earlier message asking what he was doing, but Taeon sent a message with what he wanted to say.
[Want to eat this weekend]
Only after sending the message did he start worrying.
He’d eaten with Sunjeong many times.
There were countless times he’d purposely prepared meals that didn’t suit Sunjeong because he wanted a dining table that didn’t match with him.
But it was generally because Sunjeong recklessly came to find Taeon, so they’d never once properly made plans to eat together and then eaten.
Working near Hanguk University campus, he’d become familiar with various shops in the university district, but he’d never been to them. Juseong, the owner of Sentence who didn’t spare praise for Taeon, had once suggested a company dinner, but Taeon declined because he didn’t feel like it.
[Weekend? When?]
There’d been no answer to the message he sent earlier, but the response was quick.
Go Sunjeong probably wants to hang out with me too.
Unlike the hollow laugh from earlier, Taeon smiled pleasantly and quickly sent a reply.
[Anytime ㅇㅇ Not working this week]
His mood suddenly improved.
