No matter how open the world of beastmen was and how much all views on romance were respected here, it was difficult to change Formo’s values all at once. Moreover, Formo had never even thought about romance or emotional exchange with beasts of prey, or between the same sex. However, there was one thing Formo had overlooked. The fact that emotions gradually color you without you even knowing.
Formo felt some emotion toward Serdin without even realizing it himself. It was an emotion he was encountering for the first time in his life, one he could by no means define right now. While it didn’t perfectly match the “love” Bléar had spoken of, it was a similar emotion on the same trajectory.
Not knowing what name to give this emotion, Formo was troubled and confused. And that wasn’t all. He hadn’t expected the object of that emotion to be a terrible jaguar.
Formo looked at Serdin while holding that emotion in his heart. The Serdin reflected in Formo’s eyes wore a surprised expression. Even Serdin’s lips, which would usually twitch trying to swallow the laughter that burst out whenever facing the absurd and naive things Formo did, stayed in place today.
Serdin blinked his eyes, which seemed dazed, slowly, then parted his lips with difficulty.
“Why?”
Surprisingly, what came from Serdin’s mouth was not an answer but a question. That question was what Formo wanted to ask. Since Serdin always knew the right answer, he thought he’d give an answer right away this time too. He’d thought there wasn’t a single thing he didn’t know.
“…I don’t know either.”
Formo answered in a small voice with his eyes lowered. It was a tone close to mumbling. However, Serdin would have clearly understood. Formo swallowed his dry saliva, waiting for Serdin’s reply to follow. For some reason he felt tense, and his mouth was completely parched.
“Pipi.”
When the voice with low resonance called him, Formo raised his gaze. Golden pupils that rippled brilliantly as if containing the bright light of the sun directly met his eyes quite seriously.
Quite strangely, in the pupils of the long-tailed tit who loved mornings with the sun hanging in them, a pitch-black night hung, and in the pupils of the jaguar who enjoyed admiring the night as dark as pitch, a brilliant sun was contained.
Serdin opened his mouth.
“Pipi, do you like me?”
This time too it was a question, not an answer. At his quiet question, Formo’s pupils dilated. Serdin’s face as he waited for an answer seemed calm yet somehow anxious. Formo looked at him blankly with wide-open eyes and thought.
Did he like Serdin? Could he define the emotion he held as “liking”?
Formo couldn’t be certain. Not only was it the first time he’d ever had such an emotion, but aside from Bléar, no one had taught him about this kind of emotion. The emotions Formo could be certain of were joy and happiness, sadness, anger, and being overwhelmed. Things like that.
He’d never learned or felt the name of an emotion that made his heart suddenly tickle, made his body heat up unexpectedly, made him feel hurt by trivial words, and made him realize boredom and emptiness in absence.
He loved his family and Armo, and Arancha, but he’d never felt boredom and emptiness in their absence. He loved the clear sky, but he didn’t feel ticklishness or hurt from it.
The love Formo thought of, the feeling of liking—this wasn’t it.
But if the name of this emotion circling namelessly inside him was really “love,” if it was that “love” Bléar had spoken of…
“…I suppose so.”
I suppose I like Serdin.
Formo, who had been curious about the name of the emotion he held, accepted it without a trace of agitation as soon as he found the answer. Though the process of accepting it was confusing, he didn’t run away in surprise at the derived answer.
He was suddenly frightened to keep denying and turning away from the emotion that had seeped in. Because if Serdin felt bored even with him and lost interest, the person to convey this emotion to would disappear. He hated that to death. Holding and digesting an emotion alone was something Formo hated more than death.
Of course, he couldn’t believe that the object of the “love” emotion he’d been looking forward to since childhood was a jaguar rather than a long-tailed tit or other bird, but it was okay. While he was certainly a jaguar with many terrible aspects, he was a beast of prey everyone feared and also the crown prince of the empire. Come to think of it, he was quite a suitable match for a brave long-tailed tit like himself, born with the fate of a guardian.
Above all, scenes of greeting the morning with Serdin, sleeping comfortably on his forehead, and walking through the forests around the empire and Arancha together naturally came to mind. Even though they were everyday situations he’d pictured until now, the emotions that seeped in when imagining them were clearly different. The fact of love between the same sex, between different species that had made Formo hesitate, no longer mattered. Making all the confusion he’d felt until now seem pointless.
Meanwhile, Serdin looked down at Formo with eyes as if he’d received a shock. Though he’d blushed, he didn’t run away or turn into a long-tailed tit. Formo, who had acknowledged his emotions, seemed calm. In a way, he also seemed relieved. It was completely different from usual, when he would tremble his shoulders in confusion or show dissatisfaction.
“Um, you know.”
Serdin, who had frozen for a moment trying to understand the unexpectedly unfolding situation, responded to Formo’s call.
“Yeah, Pipi.”
“You…?”
“Hm?”
“What about you?”
At the sudden question, Serdin’s lips parted. It was always him who acted skillfully like this, but he’d been robbed of that position by Formo. However, he wasn’t disappointed. Though he didn’t show it, it was also a moment he’d been quite looking forward to, and he’d even secretly pictured having such a conversation in his head. Each time, he in the imagined scene had maintained quite a composed attitude.
But when he actually faced the situation where Formo, who had only been busy hiding his embarrassment, took the initiative to open up the conversation and even asked about his feelings… the corners of his mouth wriggled, trying to rise on their own.
Serdin opened his mouth, unable to take his gaze off the blush that appeared on Formo’s clear face. He felt like teasing him a little.
“What do you think?”
Then fine cracks appeared in Formo’s brow. The pupils that had been sparkling with expectation and anxiety intertwined immediately took on anger.
“Why do you keep only asking and not answering since earlier? Are you trying to tease me?”
Serdin looked at Formo, who snapped in an angry voice, with eyes mixed with laughter, then suddenly pulled him into his embrace. Compared to Serdin’s large and solid frame, Formo’s small body was pulled over without much resistance.
“Wh-what!”
Formo’s earlobes flushed red.
“Pipi.”
“…What.”
“Can Pipi smile at someone you don’t even like?”
“What?”
Formo answered with a furrowed brow.
“That’s… that has nothing to do with liking someone. I can smile at Kert too.”
“What kind of nonsense is that, Pipi.”
When coldness suddenly oozed from Serdin’s calm voice, Formo trembled slightly. It seemed like the irritated curse “fuck” had flowed out quietly through Serdin’s teeth.
“Why would Pipi smile at Kert?”
“I-I’m saying I can smile even if I don’t like them, I mean…”
“Absolutely not, Pipi. Don’t smile at other bastards. Got it? Don’t show your front teeth either.”
“O-okay.”
Setting aside smiling, how exactly was he supposed to talk if he didn’t show his front teeth? Was he supposed to live his whole life with his mouth closed? Though he was dissatisfied, Formo, overwhelmed by the threatening atmosphere flowing from Serdin, found himself nodding and answering without realizing it.
“You have to smile only in front of me, Pipi.”
“…Only in front of you?”
“Yeah. Cry only in front of me too. Get angry only at me. Hit only me. It’s okay even if Pipi wounds my body.”
“Wh-what?”
“So don’t pay attention to other bastards. Okay?”
Formo looked dazed at words that by the end were almost begging for attention. So what Serdin was trying to say now was, wasn’t it to pay attention only to him?
Considering the question of whether he could smile at someone he liked and the words to smile only at him, Serdin was… Formo’s eyelashes trembled.
“Y-you, you…”
“Yeah.”
“Y-you, do you like me?”
Formo asked, stammering with wide-open eyes. Excitement he couldn’t fully hide oozed from his voice.
“Well.”
“…You don’t?”
“What does it look like?”
Serdin, who asked that, looked so relaxed that Formo found himself at a loss for words. Just as the expectation that had swelled up was about to deflate miserably with a whoosh, Serdin’s lips opened.
“I like you.”
“…”
“I like you, Formo.”
When he was a long-tailed tit, it was a name he’d heard countless times so it held no particular emotion. But why. Why was his heart pounding fiercely at his name coming from the lips of the terrible jaguar who kept trying to tease him? His breath rose up to his chin as if he’d stop breathing at any moment.
The moment he realized that he wasn’t the only one who liked Serdin, that facing Serdin with the same expression as him wasn’t his delusion, it felt like his heart would burst. This was more overwhelming and trembling than his first flight, a feeling like melting away.
As if he’d thrown his entire body into brilliantly shining sunlight.
