How can you lose something you put in your jacket’s inner pocket?
“Let me go get a new one.”
“What? From where?”
“Fortunately, my mother is a member of the sponsorship committee here, so they have family tickets allocated quarterly.”
Kang Ikwon showed me his phone.
“There happens to be an empty seat left too.”
The excuse that he lost the ticket he’d put neatly in his jacket was absurd, but wasn’t that phone call also the one he made in the parking lot just now? Then does that mean he was planning to lose the ticket from that moment? But at his brazen attitude that didn’t even try to hide such an absurd lie, I couldn’t even retort and stupidly looked up at Kang Ikwon.
“Don’t wander around, wait here.”
Kang Ikwon gave another reminder as if speaking to a child, then left across the lobby. In the bustling lobby before the performance started, only the path he passed through sparkled in a different hue, as if gold dust had been sprinkled.
Come to think of it, I didn’t have many occasions to see Kang Ikwon’s back. Whenever I turned my head, my eyes always met Kang Ikwon’s. It was also Kang Ikwon who saw me off and bid farewell until the end. I was observing him turning his back to me and walking away with a slightly lonely and unfamiliar feeling.
—Riiip.
Kang Ikwon, who’d stopped at the corner, tore something crosswise and threw it in the trash. It was a clear, resolute movement with no sign of hesitation. I ran over and looked into the trash can as soon as Kang Ikwon disappeared, struck by an ominous premonition. I saw the ticket and envelope quartered. Strangely enough, the terrible handwriting that hadn’t been readable when intact felt a bit clearer now that it was in pieces. J…A… No, this isn’t the time for me to piece this together.
Even though he clearly knew I was watching from behind, Kang Ikwon had torn up the ticket as if to show me. Why on earth? After the absurdity passed, anger belatedly rushed in. If you don’t want to go, just don’t go—why tear up and throw away what I gave you? Bruise or whatever, I’m going to argue about this. The moment I aggressively raised my head, my gaze stopped at a poster I hadn’t seen earlier.
“—Huh?”
It was a side profile that looked somehow familiar, though the features weren’t well distinguished due to the intense contrast.
Belzera Philharmonic Piano Concerto Jed Park.
Just listening to hyung’s words, I’d naturally assumed it was a solo performance by that pianist with a name similar to Ji Doo Park, but half the poster was occupied by the orchestra, and the other half by one man. So it’s not a piano concert… that’s not it.
“Huh?”
My tangled head suddenly became clear like pulling a camera into focus.
“Huh huh?”
It was the moment I approached, widening my eyes to see better. A wall large enough to completely fill my vision blocked me.
“I told you to wait quietly over there.”
Kang Ikwon, who’d returned at some point, was looking down at me. The calm expression looking like a gatekeeper of hell must be my delusion from being quite startled right now. Kang Ikwon spoke in a flat voice.
“I knew your memory was bad.”
“No, I wasn’t trying to go anywhere, just for a moment—”
“Let’s go in.”
“No, no, I just need to look at that for a second…”
No matter what, no matter what, that Jed Park person is…
I kept looking back at the poster as I was dragged by Kang Ikwon.
Instead of checking the seat numbers, Kang Ikwon held my hand and headed forward without hesitation. Our seats were on the first floor, fourth row from the front. Really, truly too close to the stage. I looked around anxiously like someone who’d been dragged here.
“Is this the best seat…?”
“It’s an expensive seat, but if you ask like that, not particularly.”
“Then by your standards, a good seat… wasn’t available?”
“Well, today this seat seems optimal.”
It was an answer that skillfully avoided the point and sounded ambiguous.
“Why?”
Kang Ikwon propped his chin and glanced at me, only turning his eyes.
“Does the seat not please you?”
“No…”
I just don’t like this performance.
Even the cozy chair felt like a confining prison, perhaps because of my uncomfortable feelings. Unlike me, Kang Ikwon sat back comfortably as if in his own home and suddenly spoke.
“Personally, when watching orchestra performances, I prefer middle seats. I don’t even agree with the standard of calculating seat grades simply by distance.”
I half-listened to those words, busy trying to steal a glance at Jed Park’s photo by peeking over the shoulders of people in front looking at their pamphlets. Kang Ikwon stared at the stage at an angle.
“But just for today, I like it.”
The audience darkened and applause rang out. The performance had started.
‘Jin, your taste is tacky.’
He was a flamboyant man. Impulsive, cheerful, innocent. The slightly willful part seemed cute, but the bastard who was passionate when pouring out love always acted cynical in front of his major. He was a bit annoying.
‘You only react to big, loud, familiar music. How can you confidently say you like it when you don’t even know which number the Fate Symphony is? How is that different from saying you like the sunflowers in Van Gogh’s Sunflowers series?’
‘Sunflowers is a series?’
‘Jin, you’re… like someone who likes the vase in Van Gogh’s Sunflowers.’
A memory that I don’t know why it remains in my mind since it wasn’t even beautiful sank, and instead an expression soaked in sadness as if he himself was hurt floated up.
It was the last moment of parting. His always leisurely face turned pale and choked up.
‘It’s really unfair, Jin.’
‘Why do I have to choose one of the two?’
The anger I felt then rushes back like waves.
Because that’s life’s equivalent exchange, you moron.
I won’t take you even if you’re offered now.
I feel sorry for the other person you chose…
—Clap clap clap…
As consciousness returned with faint applause, I realized I was leaning very deeply against something stable. Even before raising my head, I mumbled excuses first.
“Uh… I wasn’t sleeping, I…”
It was slurred pronunciation, drunk with sleep, that anyone could hear.
“I wash’t shleeping.”
“Shh.”
I tried to sit up, but the hand that had been stroking the nape of my neck pressed my head down firmly. Thanks to that, I ended up in an even deeper embrace than before. His voice rang out surprisingly close. Shh. The moment that breath touched my ear along with the movement of his lips, my body hair stood on end and I fully woke from sleep.
“It’s the piano concerto’s turn.”
“Ah.”
“You didn’t really need to get up though.”
No, this was a timing I absolutely had to get up for. Even after the whisper ended, Kang Ikwon didn’t remove his lips pressed firmly against my earlobe. Thanks to that, even in this important moment, my nerves were focused on my ear, not the stage. My whole body becomes sensitive when I wake up, you know. Kang Ikwon’s fingers, who clearly knew that well, endlessly and slowly stroked and fiddled with my neck and shoulders. Even though it was an affectionate touch like soothing a child, whether because of my mood, the dark lighting, or maybe because I was the lewd one, those fingers felt like they were moving with obscene intent. Whether the tension in my body was fully transmitted, Kang Ikwon laughed, his voice rumbling. That sound also felt lower and more dangerous than usual.
“It actually worked out well.”
“What did…?”
“Because the climax is more fun when we watch together.”
I couldn’t focus on the conversation and shrank my shoulders. But no matter how dark it is, they can see everything from behind, so can we be stuck together like this? Of course I’m not saying we’d do anything here, but public indecency was already swirling inside me…
—Wahhh…
The dirty thoughts filling my head also flew away the moment I saw the stage. Amid thunderous applause loud enough to make my ears ring, one man walked out. Jed Park’s face at close distance looked much clearer than the poster even under the hazy lighting.
Ah…
I inhaled.
J.
People cheered like it was the protagonist’s entrance and applause covered the hall. As Kang Ikwon said, before the performance even started, he was already tonight’s climax and highlight. The young man in tailcoat bowed lightly and cheekily toward the audience. A spotlight poured over my past that I faced after a year.
“Hhk.”
And at the same time, Kang Ikwon bit the ridge of my ear. The sensation of my ear being crushed was chilling and hot like a heated blade, and my consciousness, which had been focused on the stage, sharply returned. My shoulders jumped up and I unconsciously let out a sound that could be excitement or a sigh. Kang Ikwon, who’d chewed the soft bone and tender flesh between his teeth like prey, murmured.
“Don’t lose your soul before it even starts.”
Kang Ikwon’s eyes aimed at the stage.
The hall was quiet with expectant silence. J’s profile as he sat down and loosened his hands was so unfamiliar like seeing someone for the first time that it felt exactly like a bad joke. The J I know is kind of cocky, sometimes clumsy with Korean, cute but a shameless bastard. But the moment that man pressed the keys, all the light and noise in the concert hall was covered by his notes. I lost my senses as if sucked in.
My god, that bastard was such a maestro…
“Ah.”
As my mouth opened hazily, the sweet warmth at my ear transformed into a warning and bared its teeth.
“Focus.”
Contrary to his words, Kang Ikwon stuck to my ear like a shield blocking all the flowing melody and wouldn’t leave. When I twisted my head to avoid him, making matters worse, his hand now came down and gripped my thigh tightly.
“What… what are you trying to do?”
“I’m appreciating the music.”
“Then don’t grope me! You should be watching the front!”
