“Not really?”
I’m honest, so I didn’t say “not at all.” More than that, I was bothered by how Park Seoyun’s gaze and the nuance with which he pronounced my name were strangely, really strangely irritating. It was meaningful and familiar somehow, as if calling someone he’d known from before…
“Do you perhaps,”
know me? As I was about to open my mouth, Kang Ikwon left the spot without even saying goodbye, still holding my shoulder. When I turned around, Park Seoyun was still standing there, still looking this way. At me, not at Kang Ikwon.
“You two aren’t that close?”
“No, we’re close.”
Kang Ikwon answered readily. Well, unless he’s a walking coming-out, just the fact that he knows about the lover’s existence…
“Then why did you treat him like that?”
“Like what?”
“You were kind of mean just now.”
“Me?”
He asked with a surprised face.
“Your friend being surprised is natural. Embarrassing him like that in front of me, someone he’s meeting for the first time.”
“……”
The last words came out like a somewhat deflated rebuke. Actually, I didn’t really need to say such bitter words to Kang Ikwon either. I understood that he cut things off coldly since his lover’s name was brought up provocatively in front of me, and I was even grateful that he firmly blocked any further mention from coming up.
“…Well, just saying. Don’t put me in that kind of situation with your friend for no reason from now on.”
But my mood had sunk strangely since earlier in the car. Why? Today’s Kang Ikwon felt unfamiliar and I felt somewhat hurt for no reason. Jiho, so that’s the lover’s name. As if shaking off the suddenly recalled fact, I lightly punched Kang Ikwon’s shoulder with my fist for no reason.
“That friend is someone who’ll be seeing you for much longer than me.”
“I can’t agree with that.”
Kang Ikwon enclosed my fist with his hand. He wouldn’t let go even when I tried to pull away.
“I don’t want to hear such talk.”
It was a somehow stereotypically plaintive line like something from an old romance movie. And those endlessly deep and kind eyes. They were sincere and affectionate eyes that I couldn’t even imagine would someday show me polite indifference like he did to Pujo hyung, or coldly cut me off just at the mention of my name like just now.
‘—That doesn’t seem like a name that should come up here.’
But that cold voice kept ringing in my ears. I don’t want to make that person a topic of conversation even in passing. The hostility that filled his resolute tone bothered me. It felt like I’d glimpsed the fierce undercurrent of a man who was always taciturn and detached about his lover.
For the first time, I became seriously curious about that existence who shook the man so much.
***
“When that person called you earlier, I didn’t know who it was for a moment.”
The food was delicious and the man was kind. There’s no way a one-sided sulky mood could last long with someone sitting next to me, taking care of me attentively and warmly. Once the unilateral hurt feelings disappeared, I became cheerful again.
“I’ve been wanting to ask this for a while anyway.”
Kang Ikwon put down his chopsticks.
“Are you deliberately not calling my name?”
“The food here is really delicious.”
“Or have you completely forgotten it?”
Persistent, aren’t you.
“Well, no. What’s the point of calling your name anyway.”
“True, when that situation comes up, you get by with the address ‘you.'”
He raised his eyebrows teasingly at my flimsy answer.
“Skillfully.”
“That’s just how I am. It’s more cringeworthy to say ‘Cha Gyujin-ssi’ this and that all the time.”
“I’m sorry. It’s a habit.”
“This is my habit too, then.”
“Not calling names?”
His eyes sparkled playfully as he looked at me with his chin propped up. Meeting every single day to the point it became ingrained, his attitude was updating its friendliness day by day. The honorifics that had been close to extreme formality often became as light as spring clothes, and even outside the bed, skinship increased daily and became more natural. Contrary to his ascetic and neat atmosphere, he liked to be in contact with me anywhere on my body, even if just fingertips touching.
Having failed at playing dumb, I spoke bluntly like a deliberately angry person.
“I’m not talking to you until we finish eating.”
“Are you angry?”
“I’m sulking, okay? You’re making me into someone who gets angry over something like this.”
“What’s the difference between the two…”
Whether he was chuckling or not, I chewed the sea urchin and gulped down the soup. The Korean fine dining I was visiting for the first time brought out small palm-sized dishes one after another in courses like Western food, instead of a table laden with dishes until the legs bent. I was staring blankly at the menu that was clearly in Korean but no different from a foreign language in terms of imagining the taste, then just obediently eating whatever was served.
“I was thinking about making a business card in case you’d forgotten.”
I glared at Kang Ikwon, who was teasing me with laughter still in his voice.
“I’m not that stupid.”
“Your memory doesn’t seem very good though.”
Huh? He’s teasing me while smiling.
“You’re unemployed, right? What would you write on a business card? Hobbies?”
“If you want. Is there any other information you need?”
“Then just give me your tax payment history and property registry.”
“Should I?”
His prompt answer seemed not quite serious but not entirely joking either. I put down my chopsticks.
“You can’t just trust anyone and be all open about everything here.”
Gay marriage is legal in America, but Korea is different.
Kang Ikwon said with an innocent face.
“You’re not just anyone.”
“But we’re not spouses or lovers or family either.”
“In some ways, we’re closer than that.”
I looked at him eating neatly while chewing pickled eggplant. The man who had cleared his plate refreshingly and cleanly put down his utensils before concluding his words.
“Because we’re accomplices in the same boat.”
What. Is he saying friends who commit bad deeds together are closer? As I slurped up the remaining soup, dessert soon came out. Brown rice something and foam sauce something. Why on earth make sorbet with sujeonggwa. I looked at the plate with resignation now, the only familiar thing being the injeolmi rice cake.
“Anyway, I’ll call your name when I feel like it.”
“When?”
“When we get close.”
I answered half-heartedly as I picked up my chopsticks. There’s no grand reason. It just felt awkward to call him casually like close buddies, and calling him “Ikwon-ah” affectionately seemed too friendly, so it was naturally omitted, but now that it’s become this insistent situation, it’s become even harder to call him.
“Is it still not enough?”
And as if egging me on like that, something pressed down firmly on my instep. I stopped mid-motion while breaking off a piece of injeolmi. A playful glint sparkled in Kang Ikwon’s eyes.
“We meet every day, ate together several times, and had sex even more than that.”
“…Well… it’s not like leveling up, it depends on my feelings.”
I licked the bean powder at the corner of my mouth and closed my mouth.
“Try harder.”
Press, the foot that pressed down once more with force pushed up my pants and slowly rose to lightly touch my calf. It was an action with clear implications.
“Won’t you come to my place?”
And an unexpected suggestion. It was the first time I’d been invited to his home.
“Why all of a sudden?”
“As part of an effort to get close as quickly as possible.”
Kang Ikwon smiled with his chin propped up. Unlike his languid lips, his eyes were intense.
“I was taught that to do that, you should invite them to your home first.”
“No.”
Thinking it was a rejection, the smile faded from his expression. See, he’s actually quite impatient at times like this.
“That’s the American way, and in Korea, playing ball is the best way to get close.”
Of course, normally it’s soccer or billiards, but today we’ll get close while playing with a different kind of balls. Right?
When I reached toward his groin and pressed firmly on a pair of plump balls, familiar fire flashed in his eyes as he belatedly realized. I downed the tea in a cup the size of a soju glass in one gulp and stood up. The course I ate included wild mountain ginseng. I’m planning to properly cooperate with his efforts tonight.
“Can you do more?”
Monster of a guy.
“No, no…”
Not even having the strength to shake my head, I mumbled inside my mouth, and he pulled my arm into his embrace. The thigh that had been hitting my buttocks like stone just moments ago now supported me with stability. I relaxed and leaned my body completely against him.
“Gin… I ate ginseng.”
“Ginseng?”
“Wild mountain ginseng. Only I ate that though.”
The guy who had been nibbling on my neck clenched his teeth and trembled, laughing silently. My body vibrates along with him. He hugged me tight, really tight.
“Next time I’ll feed you real wild ginseng.”
“Is there fake wild ginseng too…?”
“There should be some left over from gifts that came to the main house.”
What’s he talking about… Anyway, I guess he’s saying it’s good. When I yawned long, he laughed again and patted my back. Occasionally he slid along my deeply hollowed spine ticklingly. Feels good. I want to fall asleep like this… But the words that came out next instantly pulled up my drowsy eyelids.
