To give up over something like this would be the same as turning his back on everything he had walked until now. The eyes that had been sunken lit up with bold resolve.
The rainy season has a talent for making everything damp and heavy. The drizzling autumn rain had seeped insidiously into the studio over the course of several days. With the rain continuing day after day, his work had begun to suffer setbacks. No matter how long he ran the dehumidifier or how thinly he spread the paint, the canvas showed no sign of drying. When the paint stuck in a thick, sluggish mass, Gi-hyeon finally set down his brush. A fierce wind and rain shook the window as if trying to break it. Gi-hyeon swallowed a sigh as he watched the rattling window.
“When is this ever going to stop.”
Gi-hyeon’s gaze moved from the window to the vase sitting on the windowsill. The peonies in the elegant amphora looked entirely out of place against the dreary studio. Gi-hyeon stared at the flowers — not wilted in the slightest — with a troubled expression. The thick stems seemed like they would hold for a long time, but without Do-gyeom’s care they would surely have wilted by now. Something from a few days ago flickered through his downcast eyes.
After finishing his conversation with Gwok Un and going up to the third floor, Do-gyeom had been standing in the bedroom. Gi-hyeon came to a sudden halt in the doorway. The sight of Do-gyeom’s back as he stared at Gwok Un’s gifts overlapped with a moment from the past. At the sensation of blood running cold, Gi-hyeon bit down and pressed his molars together. There were times like this — moments of sudden chill. Times when no matter how many memories they built, no matter how close they pressed their bodies, the past felt like it was grabbing at his ankles. He had thought he was past it, but the anxiety he couldn’t shake still lurked at his feet. Sensing his presence, Do-gyeom murmured softly.
“Jakka-nim.”
When no answer came from Gi-hyeon, Do-gyeom slowly turned around. From those tightly shut lips, it seemed like raw, unfiltered accusations could spill out at any moment. The full lips parted slowly.
“Is your heart with me?”
Gi-hyeon, acutely feeling the limits of expression, bit down on his own lip. If only he could convey this feeling whole, without passing it through lines or language. Then Do-gyeom wouldn’t have had to ask a question like this…… Do-gyeom stared at Gi-hyeon in silence. Reading the answer in those desperately yearning eyes, he smiled brightly.
“Then that’s enough.”
A heavy silence followed the words whose meaning wasn’t clear. Do-gyeom, who had been looking over Gwok Un’s gifts, rolled up his sleeves. Once ready, he headed straight for the gifts piled up in the corner. Gi-hyeon watched blankly as he sorted through them quickly and accurately. Do-gyeom, who had finished tidying in an instant, wiped the sweat from his brow.
“Phew……”
Do-gyeom caught his breath with his hands on his hips. He gazed quietly at the flowers that remained, then said to Gi-hyeon.
“I’ll step out for a moment.”
What on earth was going on in that small head of his. Even under Gi-hyeon’s dazed gaze, Do-gyeom gave a small smile and left the bedroom. When he returned a little while later, he was holding a vase. Do-gyeom cradled the flowers carefully, as if holding a newborn. The flowers, stripped of their ornate wrapping, were arranged neatly into the vase. Do-gyeom set the vases side by side on the windowsill where the sunlight came in well. After tidying the fallen leaves, Do-gyeom perched on the edge of the bed. His white hand patted the bed as if telling him to sit.
“Why are you standing there like you’ve committed a crime? Sit.”
Gi-hyeon hesitated and sat down a little ways off on the bed. He bowed his head deeply and pressed his clasped hands together. The interlocked fingers were trembling faintly. Do-gyeom laid his hand over Gi-hyeon’s.
“I’m alright.”
“……With what?”
“With anything, as long as Jakka-nim’s heart is with me.”
The composed voice seemed to say that he had anticipated something like this. Do-gyeom met his gaze and smiled gently.
“I’m going to try not to feel anxious about things I can’t change anymore. It’s a waste of time to do that.”
The face of Do-gyeom saying those words carried a familiar resignation.
“There’s no way you’re alright……”
Gi-hyeon roughly dragged a hand over his drawn face. Do-gyeom was pushing himself so as not to be a burden to Gi-hyeon. The thought of him wearing away even in this very moment made something ache sharply in his chest. His neat throat bobbed as if chewing down some emotion. Gi-hyeon, who had been turning things over in his mind, rose from his seat. He went through to the dressing room and gathered up Gwok Un’s gifts from the floor. Without hesitation, he headed for Gwok Un’s study.
When he knocked on the study door, an indifferent voice drifted out.
“Come in.”
Through the door, Gwok Un could be seen sitting at an angle in his chair, reading documents. The gaze that had been fixed on the papers slid over briefly — spotting Gi-hyeon, Gwok Un pushed up his glasses and set the documents down. The pleasure was plain to see in his loosened expression.
“What brings you here?”
Behind the round lenses, his long eyes folded prettily. Gwok Un, who had been about to rise from his seat, caught sight of the gifts in Gi-hyeon’s hands and paused. Gi-hyeon averted his eyes from Gwok Un’s face as it stiffened, and looked down. He stepped closer and set the gifts on the desk.
“I’m truly sorry. I don’t think I can accept these.”
“……”
Gwok Un stared fixedly at Gi-hyeon and drummed the desk. The intermittent sound of his knuckles against the desk cut through the silence. After a long silence, Gwok Un tilted his mouth into a crooked smile and raised his gaze.
“We haven’t even started yet, so what exactly are you sorry about…… Are you worried?”
“……”
“That you’ll waver.”
At the provocative words, Gi-hyeon’s brow twitched. Gwok Un deliberately trying to get a rise out of him was grating, but Gi-hyeon endured it. He didn’t want to wound Gwok Un, who had already been struggling under a string of misfortunes.
“I should be clear. I don’t want Do-gyeom-ssi to suffer. Whether it’s because of me or because of you. I’m sorry — I’d like things to go back to the way they were.”
“Do as you like.”
A tone as if none of it had anything to do with him. Gwok Un held Gi-hyeon’s gaze without retreating a single step, the tension between them taut. Gi-hyeon, who had been silently glaring at Gwok Un, was the first to let his expression ease. There was simply no getting through to him in a state like this.
“Let’s talk again later.”
As Gi-hyeon moved to turn away, Gwok Un laughed faintly and rose from his seat. Without hesitation, he swept an arm across the desk. With a loud clatter, the gifts tumbled to the floor. Gwok Un looked at the frozen Gi-hyeon and spat out each word.
“You can run if you want.”
As if bracing for the fight to come, Gi-hyeon’s shoulders drew taut. At the sight of that guarded look he hadn’t seen in a while, Gwok Un laughed lazily. Gwok Un perched on the now-empty desk and removed his glasses.
“Refusing isn’t an option.”
The noose he thought had disappeared was still around his neck. Under the pressure that slowly but steadily tightened around his throat, Gi-hyeon’s eyes creased with distress. Gwok Un smiled gently and placed his glasses on Gi-hyeon’s face.
“If you were going to make a face like that, you should have run when you had the chance.”
“……”
“And now you want to back out?”
Standing at breathing distance, Gi-hyeon froze — unable to avoid Gwok Un’s gaze, yet unable to meet it. Gwok Un snapped the shackles that had grown loose back into place, firm and tight.
“You seem to have forgotten — you crawled in on your own two feet. Without any coercion or threats, of your own free will.”
“……”
“I decide when it ends. Until then, all you have to do is take what I give you and look pretty doing it.”
Gi-hyeon realized he had let his guard down because of everything that had happened between them. He had thought that if he returned the gifts to Gwok Un with a sincere apology, he could turn everything back. But that was an illusion. Gwok Un feigned gentleness and cupped Gi-hyeon’s cheek.
“Since you’re here, shall we have a meal?”
The threads that had been coming loose became so hopelessly tangled there was no hope of untangling them. Through the lenses of the ill-fitting glasses, a twisted smile was visible.
Unlike the bleak mansion, life was stirring in the greenhouse. Gi-hyeon stood quietly in the shade of the lush greenery, glaring at Gwok Un. Indifferent to the icy gaze, Gwok Un crushed the leaves with composure. The fresh green leaves were torn apart against sharp fingernails without any resistance. Gwok Un, who had been running his fingers over the shredded leaves, suddenly opened his mouth.
“How was the yacht?”
“It was good. I went with Do-gyeom-ssi.”
“……The weather was nice. Come with me next time — there’s a villa nearby.”
Gi-hyeon turned his head away without an answer. At the blunt refusal, Gwok Un crumpled the leaf in his grip. He ground his teeth and growled.
“Answer me.”
“……Fine.”
“Excuse us.”
From behind the open door, servants entered pushing a cart. Reading the mood of the room, cautious of their master, they set down the food as carefully as though they were walking on thin ice. When the servants finished the setup and hurried out of the greenhouse, Gwok Un was the first to let his expression ease. Something like a sigh fell from his beautiful lips.
“Eat. I had it prepared with what you like.”
Gi-hyeon had long lost his appetite. He was in no state, nor in any mood, to eat anything. As he sat just staring at the food, Gwok Un picked up his spoon first. Under the wordless urging, Gi-hyeon reached listlessly for the utensils. His fingers, fumbling over them like someone who couldn’t see, grazed the blade of a knife. A sharp sting made Gi-hyeon’s brow crease.
“Ugh!”
Gi-hyeon let out a hiss and lifted his finger. Gwok Un’s eyes went wide at the sight of the index finger with a bead of blood forming on it. He shoved back his chair and rushed to Gi-hyeon. He roughly snatched Gi-hyeon’s hand and pressed a napkin against the cut to stop the bleeding. The eyes studying the small wound pulsed with distress. As the bleeding gradually stopped, he raised his voice.
“Where on earth is your mind right now!”
“……”
“Why is someone whose hands are his livelihood so careless? How long has it even been since you healed…… Please be more careful.”
Gi-hyeon stared in stunned silence at the unmasked face of Gwok Un with his defenses stripped away. Why are you making that face. Over a tiny scratch like this, why…… The words he couldn’t bring himself to say crumbled inside his mouth. Unable to look at Gwok Un any longer, he squeezed his eyes shut.
Gi-hyeon stared quietly at the portrait of Gwok Un — vivid with life. At the 140-day mark, the portrait was on the verge of completion.
Since that day, Gi-hyeon had pushed Gwok Un away every time he approached, and each time Gwok Un would bare his teeth and remind him of the contract. And so the time they spent together grew longer, yet Gwok Un looked not the least bit satisfied. There was no more kissing or being tangled together the way there used to be — they simply endured an uncomfortable silence side by side. What on earth did Gwok Un want from him. The headache he had forgotten came back and tightened around Gi-hyeon’s head once more.
