“Ngh——!”
Gwok Un let out a suppressed moan at the kiss that came like an act of violence. The wet, slick sound of tongues tangling with saliva filled his ears. As the drug took effect, his reason blurred rapidly. Gi-hyeon held onto his fading consciousness.
He narrowed his eyes and studied the person before him. He looked into the shadowed eyes beneath him. And then he was reminded of someone’s tender eyes, half-hidden behind long lashes. Gwok Un ran his hand along Gi-hyeon’s waist.
With that, a memory surfaced — of once clasping a dry, branch-like hand in his. Gwok Un opened his eyes at Gi-hyeon’s gaze. Cold, serpentine irises — not the eyes he remembered. Gwok Un smiled, his eyes curving. The image of a man who had once smiled with tears hanging from his lashes overlapped before him. Desire surged in an instant. Gi-hyeon gripped Gwok Un by the throat and spread his thighs apart.
Whether it was the drug or the man he kept seeing superimposed over Gwok Un, sinking into pleasure was a matter of a single moment. They ground against each other greedily, breathed in each other’s scent, swallowed each other’s saliva.
Even as they indulged like animals, they met each other’s eyes from time to time. The gaze with which each desperately searched the other for someone else looked like a kind of starvation. And so no matter how endlessly they thrust, swallowed, and licked, the thirst was never quenched.
Gi-hyeon clenched his teeth against the cresting surge of release and came. When the act — devoid of even a trace of affection — was over, all that remained was a hollow, crushing disillusionment. How did it come to this. I only wanted to protect him. What would the man I love say to me — the one who holds him in his arms while seeing someone else in his place.
Gi-hyeon looked down at Gwok Un lying beneath him. They looked nothing alike — so why did Do-gyeom keep appearing? He wanted to cry from the wretchedness of this filthy feeling. Gi-hyeon’s body crumpled as though collapsing in on itself. He buried his face down and drifted between pleasure and sorrow. Even as Gwok Un panted beside him with the aftershocks of pleasure, it felt like something happening to a stranger.
Gi-hyeon composed his breathing and got straight out of bed, pulling on a robe. Gwok Un’s gaze clung thick and heavy to his wet back. Gi-hyeon fled the bedroom as though running away. He walked down the corridor, rubbing his eyes as the effects of the drug lingered.
“Writer-nim?”
Am I seeing things now. Gi-hyeon looked at Do-gyeom standing in the corridor and smiled languidly. Right — this tender person kept coming to mind.
“Is something wrong? Why do you look so——”
Do-gyeom, who had been approaching with a worried expression, faltered. His gaze landed on Gi-hyeon’s neck and his loosely open robe. Every time Do-gyeom found on Gi-hyeon the same marks that had hung on the men who left Gwok Un’s bedroom, his face went pale.
Do-gyeom stood in silence for a long moment, then fixed Gi-hyeon with eyes that had understood everything, and looked at him with reproach. The sight of that face washed away the lingering haze of the drug. When Do-gyeom turned and headed down the stairs, Gi-hyeon went after him.
He barely managed to close the distance and grabbed Do-gyeom’s arm. Do-gyeom wrenched his caught arm away roughly. The cleansing products on the tray clattered to the floor. Blazing blue fury shone clear in the eyes that met his.
“Are you even human?”
“Do-gyeom-ssi.”
“Because everyone else does it, you thought it was fine to do the same? Treating me carelessly, playing games with me!!”
“…….”
“If that’s how you were going to be, you should have just been that — why did you speak as though you understood me? Why did you act like I was someone precious to you!!! Do you know how grateful I was to you??”
“…….”
“How pathetic must I have looked, smiling away without knowing anything…….”
“…….”
“People like you are the most disgusting of all — you piece of trash. Drop dead.”
Tears fell drop by drop from those blazing blue eyes. Contempt dripped thick from that sharp gaze. Excuses pooled like bitter water in Gi-hyeon’s mouth. I had no choice. I said I would call for you instead. You love that man. You don’t want to hold him like this. But I know now that none of these words mean anything anymore.
“Good.”
I knew. This was not something done in ignorance of the fact that you would be hurt. I also knew you would feel no gratitude for offering my body in your place, and I thought I would have to bear the resentment that would come from it. I knew all of it. Then why does something ache this much.
“I only wanted to give you the good things I could give you.”
“This vulgar act is what you call that?”
“…….”
“How can a person do something like this — how…….”
“…….”
“How could you…….”
“I hoped you wouldn’t get hurt.”
“Ha.”
Just as you were a comfort to me, I wanted to be a comfort to you. If I could, if it were possible, I wanted you to be spared from bad things. I just wanted you to smile that clear, bright smile in a sunny place, surrounded only by good things.
“I’m sorry that this is all I’m capable of giving you.”
Gi-hyeon closed his eyes as he watched Do-gyeom get pushed from anger into bewilderment, and from bewilderment into despair. The eyes lit with blazing blue anger gradually twisted into despair. The venom drained away, and Do-gyeom’s face was left with nothing but sorrow. Do-gyeom let out a low sound and rubbed at his tear-streaked cheeks as if pressing them flat. No matter how much those dry hands wiped, the tears kept welling without end.
“Who do you think you are.”
The lips he bit down on to hold back his tears trembled pitifully.
“Making me feel this miserable…….”
A face stripped of all hostility looked like a young, wounded animal. An animal that could hold neither anger nor resentment — nothing — and simply grieved without end. Gi-hyeon could no longer look at Do-gyeom and cast his gaze downward. In his downward view, Do-gyeom’s feet came into sight. Whether from the tray earlier, a scratch marked the thin ankle with barely any flesh on it. Gi-hyeon went down on his knees.
“What are you——”
As he knelt at Do-gyeom’s feet, Do-gyeom stepped back. The hand Gi-hyeon reached out stopped just near Do-gyeom’s ankle. His hand traced over the wound in the air without touching it.
“It looks like it might bruise — put some ice on it before you sleep.”
The hand that could not touch traced the wound and withdrew. I want to apply ointment like before and stroke the injury — but you won’t allow that anymore.
“Why are you doing this…… to me.”
Tears seeped into a voice that sounded like a plea. Gi-hyeon lifted his head and looked up at Do-gyeom. When their eyes met, a feeling like that untouching hand swelled up inside him. This was not how he had wanted to convey it, but now it seemed it no longer mattered.
“I like you.”
The confession fell from Gi-hyeon’s lips like resignation. At his confession, something in Do-gyeom’s face seemed to give way and crumble.
“You already knew I liked you.”
“…….”
“I’m not saying this because I want something from you. I’m not asking for anything either.”
“Then why——”
“Because you asked why.”
“…….”
“I’m sorry, but I’ll keep being this way going forward.”
Gi-hyeon withdrew his hand and slowly rose to his feet.
“This is me acting on my own terms, so don’t feel guilt or self-reproach or anything at all.”
As he smiled faintly, the tears that had been brimming in Do-gyeom’s eyes fell.
“Just hate me — it’ll be easier that way.”
I ached to the tips of my fingers, wanting to lick away the endlessly welling tears and stroke his back. How I wish I could. I wish you hadn’t cried, I wish I hadn’t held Gwok Un, I wish I had never fallen for you in the first place. His tears brought past days flashing before him like a panorama. He felt the moments he had wanted to keep polished bright slowly fading away. His chest ran cold all the way through, as though a thin sheet of ice had formed over his ribs.
Late in the afternoon, the Butler let himself into the studio without permission and laid out a number of items. Gi-hyeon looked impassively at the Patek Philippe, the Porsche key, and the black card placed on the table.
“What is this?”
“A gift sent by the Young Master.”
“…….”
“I had thought you held male prostitutes in contempt, but it seems the vocation suits you well — how fortunate.”
The emotional demeanor from a few days ago was nowhere to be seen; the Butler delivered his venom with a composed face. When Gi-hyeon smiled at the sight of him spouting filth with that composed expression, a crack ran across the Butler’s face. Gi-hyeon adjusted the height of the easel as he spoke.
“Do you think that’s going to offend me? I don’t need it, so take it back.”
Gi-hyeon placed the canvas on the easel and spread out the paint. In the quiet studio, the only sound was the brush rubbing against the canvas.
“……Don’t get the wrong idea.”
Gi-hyeon was less concerned with the Butler’s indignant voice than the paint on his hands. He clicked his tongue, wiped the paint off, and spread fresh paint across the canvas again. The Butler’s face looked ready to have his blood run backward at Gi-hyeon’s indifference. He unleashed a volley of filthy words.
“The Young Master simply needs a substitute.”
“So be it.”
“…….”
“Take it and get out. Can’t you hear me?”
At the voice carrying not a single trace of emotion, the Butler’s face turned dangerous. He glared ferociously at Gi-hyeon absorbed in his work, then turned on his heel. Even as the presence receded, Gi-hyeon didn’t lift his eyes from the painting. Every situation was careening toward ruin, but strangely, his head felt light. As the light and shadow settled into calm, he picked up a fine brush. The hand poised for delicate work trembled faintly with tension. He shook his hand out lightly and took up the brush again. Just as he carefully brought the brush to the canvas, a sharp cracking sound cut through to his ears. He muttered a low curse and turned his head.
“I’m sorry — I’ll clean it up right away.”
Do-gyeom hurriedly gathered the shards of broken glass. At the sight, Gi-hyeon threw down the fine brush and snatched his hand away.
“Are you out of your mind? Why are you picking this up with your bare hands?”
“…….”
“Hah — don’t touch anything, just wait.”
Gi-hyeon checked that Do-gyeom hadn’t cut himself and carefully let go of his hand. He found the rubber gloves among his art supplies, put them on, and began picking up the glass. The fragments clinked as they fell into the bin one by one. Gi-hyeon, picking up the shards in silence, lowered his gaze. He noticed the blue bruise on Do-gyeom’s ankle and murmured.
“You didn’t put ice on it.”
“Does that matter?”
“More than anything.”
Gi-hyeon, who had been staring at the floor, lifted his head. He fixed Do-gyeom with a steady, direct gaze.
