It had been an ordinary day. Same time as always, clocked in, handled work and visitors all day, clocked out — now on the way home.
Clearly no different from any other day, and yet my feet were heavy. The reason was obvious enough that I didn’t even need to question it.
Cha Jae-woo.
Today was the day he was moving in. I’d given him the door code and told him to head over first, so he’d be there when I got home.
Without realizing it, my palms had gone damp with sweat. Belatedly, I was starting to second-guess whether letting Cha Jae-woo into my home had been the right call.
Even though I’d already faced him at the library today, the unease in my stomach refused to settle. Maybe it was the difference between the library as a public space and my apartment as a private one.
I couldn’t shake the feeling of having my territory invaded.
It was absurd, really. That after eight years of living together, just because we’d broken up — that same person could make me this uncomfortable.
“I’m home.”
I forced a casual tone as I took off my shoes and stepped inside. Whether he’d actually cooked or not, the smell of rice and stew drifted through the air, and the whole apartment was filled with a warm, lived-in heat.
The cold, stark emptiness that had always greeted me since living alone was nowhere to be found.
“Go wash up.”
Cha Jae-woo said that and turned on the induction cooktop to start warming the stew.
Watching him move around with such ease — like it was his own place — after having only been here twice made everything feel even more unsettling.
It felt almost like going back to before the breakup, and something rose sharply in my chest — but I pushed it back down. Pouring my feelings out to someone who had no memory of any of it would be nothing more than one-sided emotional venting.
I gave a single nod and headed to the bathroom. Standing under the hot water for a while, I felt the raw edges of my emotions slowly dissolve and wash away.
I wanted to finish this cleanly — tie things up properly with Cha Jae-woo and close that chapter for good. No more letting myself get dragged around, I told myself as I finished showering.
The food Cha Jae-woo had made was good. He’d been the one who handled all the cooking when we lived together, so that wasn’t exactly a surprise.
After dinner, while I was doing the dishes, Cha Jae-woo came out freshly showered and pulled a can of beer from the fridge, saying he wanted to talk.
I didn’t keep alcohol stocked at home, so that was almost certainly something he’d bought and put there himself.
“I’m good without the beer.”
I turned down the can Cha Jae-woo offered and sat down across from him. He must have understood that I was willing to talk but not drink, because he frowned slightly — then quietly cracked the can open anyway.
He downed it in one go, wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, and set the can down. The sound of the crushed empty can filled the silence.
“What. You don’t even want to drink with me anymore?”
“It’s not that.”
I shook my head at his disgruntled question. Honestly, not wanting to drink with him was accurate — just for slightly different reasons.
After turning twenty, Cha Jae-woo and I had done what most people that age did — went to this gathering and that, and drank plenty. He mostly attended the composition team dinners, while I went to things like freshman welcome events, and we both put it away enthusiastically.
Then one day we both came home drunk, and something happened. The memories were patchy from being completely wasted, but what was certain was that it had started with a kiss and ended with sex.
At that point I’d already confessed to Cha Jae-woo and been turned down, so the next morning my first instinct was to pack up and leave — but Cha Jae-woo stopped me.
He said he’d caused something to happen and needed to take responsibility, and asked me to date him — and that was how the relationship started. The reason I ended up with someone who was in love with Kwon Tae-gyeong came down, in the end, to alcohol.
After that, neither of us ever let ourselves drink to the point of blacking out again. The unspoken rule became that if we were going to drink at all, we’d do it in each other’s presence and only enough to keep our heads.
It wasn’t that I was suddenly intent on following that rule now. I just had no particular desire to drink with someone I’d already made one catastrophic mistake with.
Of course, for the person sitting in front of me, none of that had happened yet — so there was no point explaining it. Instead, I made up a convenient excuse.
“My liver levels came back bad, so I’ve been off alcohol for a while.”
Fortunately, he didn’t bother challenging that. He just quietly opened the next can.
I chewed on some of the dried beef jerky he’d brought as snacks and watched three cans of beer disappear in real time.
Three cans of beer weren’t enough to get him drunk, so I figured he just needed time to settle himself, and waited.
But Cha Jae-woo didn’t open his mouth easily. With an early shift tomorrow, my patience was wearing thin — and in the end, I was the one who spoke first.
“So what exactly is it you’re asking me to help with?”
What had Cha Jae-woo gone so far as to buy beer to bring up. The answer was obvious.
Eight years ago and right up until just before we broke up, he had been someone who staked everything on his career.
If you had to boil Cha Jae-woo’s life down to two things, it was Kwon Tae-gyeong and his career. To that degree, he poured everything into his work — and produced results to match.
There was even a running joke inside the composition team that the rise and fall of K Entertainment’s idol groups depended on Cha Jae-woo’s condition.
He’d never hit a single slump since joining the composition team. And now this same person had been in an accident and suddenly couldn’t write — how disorienting must that have been.
Probably more jarring to Cha Jae-woo than the fact that I was his ex was the state of being someone who couldn’t produce work.
“I only ever listened to the songs you played me — I don’t really know anything about how you actually compose.”
I kept my tone reasonably gentle. Now that I’d already let him into my home, I had no desire for pointless arguments with Cha Jae-woo anymore.
“So if you’re looking for insight into how your future self works — that’s not something I can help with.”
If that was what Cha Jae-woo had been hoping for when he proposed moving in, then the deal was off.
I should have sorted this out before letting him in — but I’d been too emotionally drained at the time to think straight.
“That’s not it.”
Fortunately, that didn’t seem to be what he had in mind, because Cha Jae-woo shook his head. I wasn’t sure whether to be relieved or not — but I listened to what came next.
“It’s just — I think the reason I can’t compose is somewhere in the memories I lost. No — I’m certain of it.”
Cha Jae-woo said it with full conviction. Honestly, the certainty was unsettling enough to make me uneasy, so I asked cautiously.
“……Don’t tell me you want me to help you get your memories back or something like that?”
That sounded more like something to discuss with a doctor, not me — I was already frowning when Cha Jae-woo shook his head.
“Whether the memories come back or not is secondary. My actual problem right now is that the ideas won’t come.”
“Ideas……”
I thought for a moment. After eight years with a composer, I’d picked things up here and there just from being around him — but I was still an outsider when it came to this world.
I had no idea what you were supposed to do when you hit a wall while composing. In the end, all I could offer was the most basic kind of advice.
“If ideas aren’t coming — what about just getting out and going places? Doing different things might spark something.”
That felt far more practical than trying to force the memories back. Memories might never return — or might not return at all — but finding inspiration wasn’t quite that slim a chance.
“Seeing films, plays, exhibitions, musicals — something like that could help too.”
“……That might not be bad.”
I was starting to feel a little embarrassed for only offering such obvious suggestions — when Cha Jae-woo responded with a surprisingly positive reaction.
I reflexively turned to look, and caught him setting down the empty can, eyes bright with thought. He had the look of someone who’d just recalled the missing part of a melody that wouldn’t come.
Is this really something worth that look in his eyes, I thought — but it wasn’t a world I understood, so I kept quiet.
“So maybe an exhibition every weekend——”
“Let’s go. Starting this weekend.”
“……Hm?”
I tilted my head instinctively. I’d obviously meant for him to go alone — but he seemed to have taken it differently, because he was staring right at me.
“Are you free on Saturday?”
Those pitch-black eyes shone with an intensity that was almost too much to hold. Telling him to go without me wasn’t exactly easy when he was looking at me like that.
In the end, I figured that since I’d already agreed to help, this much cooperation was fair — and I nodded.
“This Saturday I have to work, but Sunday is fine.”
Honestly, since I had a Saturday shift, I really just wanted to stay in and rest on Sunday — but there was nothing to be done. I didn’t have other plans anyway, so I’d cooperate without complaint.
“That works then?”
At my question, Cha Jae-woo nodded. That seemed to wrap things up well enough, so I moved to stand. Cha Jae-woo rose after me, then started clearing the beer cans and tidying up the snacks.
“Have you already decided where to go?”
“Yeah.”
Cha Jae-woo confirmed it simply. Since he clearly already had somewhere in mind, I didn’t bother asking where.
Booking a musical last-minute would be difficult, so I figured it was probably a film or a play — but I quickly talked myself out of that.
I remembered going on a school trip to see a play in high school. The seats had been so cramped that neither Cha Jae-woo nor I could focus on the performance at all — we’d spent two hours folded up like we were being tortured. That ruled out plays. Film theaters got crossed off for similar reasons.
Both had happened before Cha Jae-woo and I started dating, so the current Cha Jae-woo wouldn’t have that memory — which meant he wouldn’t be ruling those out.
Whatever. It’ll sort itself out on Sunday.
I didn’t think on it further. I cleared away what was left of the jerky and headed to the bathroom to brush my teeth. Whatever it ended up being, Sunday would tell.
