Eight years.
That was how long I’d spent with Cha Jae-woo — that bastard who went by the name of my lover but might as well have been my sworn enemy.
Fighting over every little thing was just our daily life, so there had been countless times we’d told each other to break up. But I had never once said it — not even as a joke.
It was a kind of unspoken rule. Proof that I was thoroughly the lesser one in this relationship. Because if I ever said let’s break up, Cha Jae-woo would snap it up like he’d been waiting for it and go straight to the person he actually liked.
I would rather die than witness that. Who the hell would I even be breaking up for?
So no matter how many times Cha Jae-woo spat out let’s break up in a fit of anger, I ignored it every single time. Even if he screamed it alone at the top of his lungs, it didn’t count as a breakup unless I agreed.
Whether it was fortunate or not, Cha Jae-woo was the type who didn’t just fail to understand cheating — he despised and looked down on it. Something about seeing two people at the same time being not just a moral issue but something dirty and repulsive.
The reason he’d kept this relationship going for eight years despite not even liking me was because of that strange, obsessive streak of his.
Cha Jae-woo was a hopeless clean freak and, just as stubbornly, a one-person man. The fact that the person he was devoted to wasn’t me — his actual partner — but my friend, was enough to drive me insane. Still, the truth that Cha Jae-woo had loved only one person for so long never changed.
Cha Jae-woo was always clicking his tongue at me, calling me a cold-hearted bastard — but the truly ruthless one was him, carrying feelings for someone else while dating me for eight years.
A pigheaded, single-minded son of a bitch.
So in a way, our relationship was an endless war of nerves — him trying his best to leave, and me trying my best to stop him.
This time started the same way. We had a massive fight over something I can’t even remember now. We raised our voices at each other, hurling our fury like we wanted to tear each other apart. Once we started fighting, things usually ended in a pretty familiar way.
“You piece of shit. If you’re going to be like this, let’s just break up.”
Cha Jae-woo declared it was over, his face twisted with rage. His eyes, burning with all that heat, were sharp and fierce, the corners flushed red.
Those big eyes shimmered like tears could fall any second — but tears never actually fell from those eyes.
I’d heard there are people whose eyes well up first when they’re angry. Cha Jae-woo was exactly that type.
Most of our fights ended before he ever actually cried. As if certain of that, Cha Jae-woo started gathering his clothes before I could even respond.
“I’m going to Kwon Tae-gyeong’s, so don’t try to stop me.”
Kwon Tae-gyeong was the person Cha Jae-woo had unrequited feelings for — and my childhood friend. Cha Jae-woo saying Kwon Tae-gyeong’s name happened far more often than him saying let’s break up.
He had that name on his lips that constantly.
Maybe it made sense. If he hadn’t been with me, he could have gone to Kwon Tae-gyeong without a second thought.
Any other time, I would have told him to cut the bullshit and grabbed him by the collar, stripped off his coat first. Dragged him to bed or put my fist in his face — done whatever it took to keep him from leaving.
And our fight would have fizzled out like always, ending in that vague, unresolved way.
But this time was different. Whatever expectation I hadn’t even known I still had for Cha Jae-woo came crashing down — not just bent but utterly shattered — and instead of grabbing him like I always had, I nodded.
I was that exhausted.
“Okay.”
He must not have expected that answer, because Cha Jae-woo stopped what he was doing and turned to look at me. His wavering eyes showed just how caught off guard he was. He stood there for a moment, lips barely moving, before asking in a trembling voice.
“……Are you serious? I just told you — I’m breaking up with you.”
“I know. That’s why I said okay.”
The response that came out was far drier than I expected. And in that moment, I understood. The feelings that had been piling up inside me had finally overflowed.
Eight years together. We’d been through this exact same situation dozens — maybe hundreds of times.
Fighting, hearing him say let’s break up, facing the reality of a boyfriend who still had feelings for my childhood friend. Things I’d always told myself were fine turned out not to be fine at all. I had finally realized that.
At the same time, my body moved on its own. Going one step further than Cha Jae-woo, who looked ready to bolt out the door at any moment, I put on my clothes, pulled out my bag, and started packing.
This was Cha Jae-woo’s place.
I was the one who had planted myself here without permission even before we started dating and never left. Which meant that if we broke up, I was the one who had to walk out.
“Hey, Ha Yun-su. What are you doing?”
Whatever Cha Jae-woo said, I didn’t spare him a single glance as I shoved clothes and belongings into the bag. Unable to just watch, Cha Jae-woo snatched the bag and flung it to the floor.
“What the hell do you think you’re doing?!”
The clothes, books, and earphones inside scattered across the floor. Watching everything turn into a mess in an instant, my mood naturally hit rock bottom — but I didn’t let it show.
Instead of fighting and screaming along with Cha Jae-woo, I crouched down and stuffed everything back into the bag. Maybe thinking I was ignoring him, Cha Jae-woo grabbed whatever he could reach and started throwing my things.
“Are you fucking cheating on me?”
At his furious accusation, I finally looked up. The moment our eyes met, I could see him flinch — oddly out of character for him. My expression must have been that frightening.
Transparent tears began trailing down Cha Jae-woo’s flustered face. Normally I might have found it pitiful, but looking at it now, I felt nothing.
More accurate to say I was too exhausted — I needed to take care of myself before I could think about comforting him and wiping away his tears.
I stared silently at Cha Jae-woo for a moment as he cried without making a sound, and finally let the corner of my mouth twist.
“Cheating?”
A hollow laugh escaped on its own. He was my boyfriend, but he was truly a ridiculous bastard. You only see what you’re looking for, I suppose.
I gave up on packing everything properly, closed the half-open bag, and slung it over one shoulder. The more I thought about it, the more absurd it became, so I met his eyes again.
“That’s rich, coming from someone who’s been openly telling his partner he likes someone else every chance he gets.”
Kwon Tae-gyeong this, Kwon Tae-gyeong that — Cha Jae-woo had that name on his lips at every turn. I had always fired back with shut up each time, but that didn’t mean I’d ever been truly unaffected.
How could you be unaffected when the person you love tells you they like someone else, that even while dating you, they still want that person?
And for eight whole years at that. Long enough for a person to completely change, even if not quite long enough for the landscape to shift.
We’d spent all that time together, and yet Cha Jae-woo’s feelings hadn’t shifted even slightly. They probably never would. I had just been too stupid to realize it until now.
“……You already knew everything.”
Cha Jae-woo looked like he had a lot to say. It seemed almost like he was claiming the situation was unfair somehow, and a hollow laugh rose up again.
“That I like Kwon Tae-gyeong.”
Even now, the sound of Kwon Tae-gyeong’s name coming from Cha Jae-woo’s lips made my chest clench — which meant I was no better than him. Even though I had every reason to be thoroughly disgusted with him for keeping this up to the very end.
“You said it didn’t matter who I liked.”
Cha Jae-woo grabbed my wrist. The grip holding me back as if refusing to let me go just like this felt unfamiliar.
It had always been me doing the grabbing, and you doing the leaving. That fact made me laugh in spite of myself.
“I did.”
“Yeah, you did, so why——!”
“I guess I got tired of it.”
At those cold words, the hand gripping me began to tremble — but I didn’t care. Maybe some people, in their final moment, want to be remembered fondly by the other person. I wasn’t one of them.
It’s not like we’d ever see each other again anyway — what would being a good memory even do for me? If I was going to become just another good memory that eventually faded, I’d rather leave as the worst memory he could never forget for the rest of his life.
If that meant becoming a scar that could never be erased from him, wouldn’t that be a successful breakup in its own way?
“So stop being pathetic and let go.”
I shook off his grip with a cool tone, and Cha Jae-woo went still.
I crossed the living room in that moment. Even knowing Cha Jae-woo wouldn’t reach for me again, I was too scared to confirm it — so I fled, as if running away.
I ran and kept running. I sprinted like a madman toward the nearest bus stop. Only then, with just one bag to my name, did I finally turn and look back.
Naturally, Cha Jae-woo hadn’t followed me. Given his physical stamina, which was leagues beyond mine, chasing after one person would have been nothing to him.
“Of course he didn’t.”
Cha Jae-woo had never liked me in the first place. A moment ago, he’d only grabbed me in a flustered reflex at my sudden change — and right now, he was probably feeling relieved. That leech finally came off, he’d be thinking. Free at last.
He might even run straight to Kwon Tae-gyeong to celebrate the breakup, for all I knew. With the clingy nuisance finally gone, he’d be on top of the world.
The moment I thought that, the cold I hadn’t felt before came crashing over me, consuming every part of me. Rushing out in such a hurry, I had dressed too lightly for the season, and it was catching up to me now.
I was always bad with the cold, so I had to keep moving if I didn’t want to catch something. With that in mind, I turned to check the bus route at the nearest stop — and stopped.
Because the first time I’d met Cha Jae-woo had also been at a bus stop.
A dry laugh came out on its own. The fact that I was thinking about the guy I’d just broken up with — not days ago, but mere minutes ago — meant I was a hopeless case too. But there was nothing to be done about it.
Eight years was never going to be a short time. Long enough for a person to completely change, even if not quite long enough for the landscape to shift. Cha Jae-woo had changed so many things about me.
