I’d been completely caught.
Crash. The sound of glass shattering into pieces. No — to be precise, it was a ringing that only I could hear. The sound of a beautiful illusion, maintained so precariously all this time, coming to an end.
“You little shit.”
It was the first time I’d ever heard a curse word come out of Haejun hyung’s mouth — a hyung who always spoke so gently.
“Come out.”
His voice was lowered so as not to wake Haehyeon.
I followed without resistance.
The moment the bedroom door closed, his hand shot out and grabbed me by the collar.
“What do you think you’re doing.”
“…….”
“Is this how you’ve been putting your hands on my brother?”
“…….”
My senses came back to me, delayed.
What have I done.
Creeping in to taste the lips of someone who was asleep, while planning to go right back to acting like a good friend the moment he woke up.
It was disgusting.
“Answer me.”
“I’m sorry.”
Haejun hyung raised his fist. I braced myself to take a few hits and squeezed my eyes shut — but the pain I’d anticipated never came. When I opened my eyes, I could see him lowering his hand, drawing in a long, ragged breath as if barely holding himself back.
I could easily imagine the sense of betrayal he must be feeling. He had treated me with as much kindness and warmth as he could, as the older brother of a friend.
I had always been able to instinctively sense, from early on, whether someone had goodwill toward me or not — and he didn’t particularly like me. But he never let that show and treated me well regardless. I had assumed Shin Haejun’s warmth came from a place of: this is someone my beloved younger brother cares about, so I’ll accept him and treat him right. That assumption turned out to be accurate.
“Why didn’t you dodge?”
“Because I deserved to be hit.”
“If you knew that, why did you do it?”
“Because I couldn’t hold back….”
A frightening silence followed. In the space of it, he rapidly reviewed the past and put the pieces together.
“Every now and then Haehyeon’s room and his body would smell a certain way… I thought it had rubbed off by accident, but it was deliberate, wasn’t it?”
There was no need to answer yes or no. He was right, and we both knew it. Shin Haehyeon was a beta — there was no way he would ever notice — but whenever I felt like I was going mad with something churning inside me, I hadn’t been able to stop myself from marking him little by little with my pheromones.
“Why aren’t you hitting me, hyung?”
Hyung stared me down as he answered. His expression said he was dying to beat me senseless.
“If your precious face gets marked up, Haehyeon’s going to worry. How am I supposed to watch that?”
“…….”
“Do you know what Haehyeon says about you to us?”
Haehyeon — a beta, someone with no reason to see a man as a romantic prospect — described me as,
“A friend for life. Another brother to me.”
I had been betraying that warm affection and trust.
…All I have to do is give up. But that feels like something I could sooner die than do.
“Endure it. Keep enduring it until the end, without Haehyeon ever finding out.”
“…Yes.”
“Don’t disappoint him. Don’t betray him. Don’t break his heart.”
“Yes.”
“…You conniving little bastard.”
Hyung shot one last glare at me, let out a long sigh, and left.
After that, Haejun hyung never treated me the way he used to again.
‘God, seriously….’
Whether he’d tipped him off or not, Haechan hyung was the same. The two of them watched me with guarded, observant eyes, and when Haehyeon wasn’t around, neither of them spoke to me. It was only to be expected.
Sixteen — that cruel season flew by in an instant.
With every change of season, Shin Haehyeon’s girlfriend changed too.
Every now and then I failed to keep my true feelings fully hidden and reacted impulsively. Haehyeon would be thrown off by me stepping outside the bounds of how the Kwon Wookyung he knew was supposed to behave, and we’d sometimes fight. From his perspective, it must have been impossible to understand why we were even fighting. Straightforward as he was, he’d think it over briefly and then chalk up my strange behavior to passing teenage moodiness.
Haehyeon, who had no idea what I was actually thinking, even went out of his way to explain me to the people around us who found my existence off-putting — framing me as ‘a guy who acts a little peculiar because he doesn’t have any other friends.’ Because that was probably all he could see when he looked at me.
In truth, the ones I felt jealous of weren’t only his family or his girlfriends.
‘I’m definitely going to stand on that stage!’
Ballet — the stage, the performances — the thing Shin Haehyeon loved with his entire being.
He thought about ballet every single day, poured himself into practice, and moved steadily toward his dream.
I watched every single one of Haehyeon’s performances.
Some I went to openly and handed him flowers. Others I attended without telling him, slipping in to watch from the shadows. Because I didn’t want to miss a single moment of him loving something with his whole heart. I intended to burn every stage he would ever stand on into my eyes, without missing one.
A face lit up by the full glare of stage lights, smiling brightly.
The roar of cheers and applause filling the performance hall.
More bouquets than two arms could hold.
I could already picture it clearly — him up there on the stage of his dreams.
But I wasn’t the only one who could see a brilliant future in Shin Haehyeon.
“Haehyeon, I really enjoyed the performance. I’ve actually been watching you since two years ago, and every time I see you, you’ve improved so much it genuinely surprises me.”
“Thank you for seeing the good in me.”
“Can I take a photo with you?”
“Of course.”
As befitting a rising star, his following grew.
“You went to a regular middle school, not an arts middle school — you’re planning to go to an arts high school, right?”
“Ah, for middle school I wanted to go with my neighborhood friends. I’m preparing for the arts high school entrance exam for high school.”
“Of course you are….”
It was something I’d already known, but it still stung freshly.
I couldn’t tell Haehyeon — chasing his dream — not to go. The only option was for me to follow.
I looked up the major programs at the arts high school he was aiming for and rushed to prepare for the acting department entrance exam. I didn’t care how everything else in my life turned out, but attending a different school from Haehyeon was something I knew I couldn’t bear. I didn’t want to imagine being separated from him after nine years of walking to and from school together.
With his personality, he’d make friends at the new school just as close as me — maybe even closer — and there was a good chance I’d end up left behind, no longer part of his world, just a neighbor he used to be close to.
To avoid that horrifying outcome, I had no choice but to follow. Despite having not a shred of interest in acting, the desperation to pass must have counted for something — I passed.
Haehyeon, naturally, was accepted on a ballet major. Standing before his elated face, I moved my lips a few times before finally breaking the news of my own acceptance.
I was quietly anxious.
Was it too obvious?
Would Haehyeon notice that I was planning to follow him all the way to high school?
“What? Acting? Since when? Why didn’t you tell me?”
Haehyeon — as endearing as he was oblivious, enough to make me sigh — just beamed at me.
“I might not have gotten in. I prepared without telling anyone.”
“Is this a surprise? Then it worked. I’m genuinely shocked. But I love it! I never would’ve thought — I actually think acting will suit you really well.”
He chattered on about how now that we’d be going to the same school, we’d be stuck to each other to an unbearable degree again.
In that one smile, I felt certain I’d made the right choice.
Even if I could never reveal my feelings for the rest of my life — as long as I could keep seeing Haehyeon smile, it would be worth throwing away everything I had.
……And just like that, we stood at the threshold of being seventeen.
The middle school graduation ceremony was noisy with the crowd that had gathered.
“Wookyung, congratulations on graduating too.”
“Thank you.”
Haehyeon’s mother handed me a congratulatory bouquet as well. I bowed and accepted it with both hands. I held it close for a moment and breathed in its fresh scent — meanwhile, Haehyeon was barely managing to hold onto four enormous bouquets, one from each family member, as they threatened to spill from his arms.
“Ugh, I told you to only buy one each!”
“This is all a competition. Which one do you like the most?”
“All flowers are pretty.”
Haehyeon was pulled away endlessly.
His outgoing personality meant even his subject teachers remembered him fondly and treasured him. The school nurse came out too to say warm words and pat him on the shoulder. His classmates went without saying — not only from his own class, but students from other classes came to ask for photos with him, and underclassmen who knew him left him gifts.
I took photos with a few of my own classmates, then set my bouquet and diploma down on a desk and stole glances at him.
That brilliantly beautiful face never stopped wearing its radiant smile. A face I could stare at all day and never tire of.
“Wookyung! What are you doing over there?”
“Hm?”
Haehyeon, having spotted me leaning against the window, jerked his head.
“Natural light makes for better photos. Let’s go outside!”
At that, a crowd of kids poured outside, and I followed after them as if drawn by something.
“What? Where are your bouquet and diploma?”
I had come out wearing nothing but my graduation gown, empty-handed.
“Oh, I left them inside.”
“You really are… fine. Hold this.”
Haehyeon, shaking his head in disbelief, pressed one of the bouquets from his own arms into mine.
“Lilies really do suit you.”
The rich, distinctive fragrance of lilies surged up and made my head swim.
“Dad, can you take one of just the two of us?”
Just then, some of the other kids tried to squeeze into the frame to join.
Haehyeon stopped them with an exaggerated air of solemnity.
“This is a photo for Myeonga Arts High School acceptees only, okay? Everyone else, step aside.”
The kids who’d been pushed out booed and groaned, but he paid them no mind.
As Haehyeon’s father raised the camera, Haehyeon whispered to me.
Wookyung.
Yeah.
Take care of me in high school too.
Yeah.
Stay right by my side.
Yeah.
A smile slipped out before I could stop it.
February — graduation. And after that, March — enrollment.
I’ll get to welcome spring by your side again.
Click.
The flutter I couldn’t hide was captured, just like that, in a single frame.
