Until now, the incident of kissing a very drunk Cha Jeonghan existed like a mistake once or twice a year, but it was the first time going beyond that. Maybe because of that, the feeling of the hand that kept entering under the clothes, the heat touching my skin, and that touch caressing various parts of my body kept not disappearing from my head.
“……”
The face of Cha Jeonghan moving his tongue while making eye contact with me… and his tongue tip touching my body kept coming to mind, making me heat up. Just thinking about it made the area between my legs tingle and my lower abdomen feel strange. Feeling like if I thought just a little more I’d reach an unacceptable point, I got up, grabbed the outer garment I’d taken off, and left the room. And feeling like I shouldn’t stay here anymore, I left the house without looking back.
I took the elevator down to the bottom at once and just walked forward. When I ran like escaping to the familiar bus stop, I was strangely out of breath. Even during the day there were hardly any people taking the bus, so there were no people, and at this time when buses had stopped running, there was no way there would be people at the stop. I carelessly sat down on the empty, cold seat and leaned my body back. Like after kissing Cha Jeonghan, I was out of breath and kept feeling like I’d cry.
“……”
I liked him so much, and so I wanted to be together for a long, long time… but lately that had been especially too difficult and hard. I was happy because Cha Jeonghan thought of me as a good friend and relied on me, and I just needed to become a good friend to him who needed me, I just needed to exist… but that easy-looking task was too hard for me.
At this rate, the bottom would be revealed before long. Things I couldn’t hide from Cha Jeonghan no matter how much I tried to hide would clearly increase one by one. I had to end it before that. Whether ending my love or ending the friendship, it was right to settle one of them.
Words said I had to end either love or friendship, but I knew ending the love was right. I’d never once wanted something from Cha Jeonghan by putting my love forward. I’d never thought that because I liked him, he should like me too, and I’d never thought that because I’d liked him for 13 years, he should know my feelings.
I didn’t love Cha Jeonghan wanting any kind of compensation. I could come this far only because I could hide well so our friendship wouldn’t shake, and because I didn’t expect all the things of love that others enjoyed.
My love was in the realm of my responsibility, and I had to handle all the emotions that arose from there. If I started wanting something, the heart I’d maintained until now would become twisted, and emotions that lost direction were bound to reveal themselves. I didn’t want to be caught by Cha Jeonghan. I hated anything other than the method of saying it with my own mouth to let him know.
“……”
So now it was right to stop. If I no longer had confidence to hide and had no capacity to handle it, I had no choice but to settle the emotions that would become problems.
“……”
But how do I stop? How can I settle it? The most fundamental questions poured out. Just like the beginning didn’t go as I wanted, the ending didn’t go as I wanted either. How nice would it be if emotions were settled with just the thought of ‘let’s end it now’? Why were feelings of liking unrelated to my will? Inside the feeling of liking, I could hide so many things with my will and could suppress them, so why couldn’t the biggest love move according to my will?
Even among questions that followed like a tail, I occasionally worried about Cha Jeonghan who would be alone at home. I knew there wasn’t much to worry about since I knew that once he fell asleep when drunk, he slept quietly until morning, but still, Cha Jeonghan wouldn’t know at all the reason I left him alone and ran away, so I felt a bit sorry about that.
“…Haah.”
After closing my eyes for a long time while leaning my back, I got up. It seemed better to go back to Cha Jeonghan’s house rather than the officetel. Because avoiding just today wouldn’t solve anything. Feelings of love for 13 years couldn’t end in one night. Knowing that hurrying wouldn’t end it quickly, I turned my head with a heart that had barely calmed down.
“……”
And my eyes met Cha Jeonghan in the advertisement.
“……”
Why had I forgotten for a moment? I’d sat here so long looking at you, containing you, being with you. The heart I thought had barely calmed down became a mess again the moment my eyes met Cha Jeonghan. Even inside the advertisement, Cha Jeonghan who knew nothing was just looking at me and smiling gently.
“…Cha Jeonghan. Why do you do that whenever you drink? Am I that comfortable to you? While very drunk from alcohol… you can let everything go and do that, then not remember anything the next day?”
It might be a leap. I knew that too.
“Tomorrow too… don’t remember.”
Forget everything. Only then will I also take out and send off one by one the things I’ve hidden tightly. Even if it takes time, if I greet and send off one by one my emotions that have been together for 13 years, someday only the biggest thing that originally existed in me—friendship equal to Cha Jeonghan’s, the heart of loving a friend—would remain.
“…Today I hate you.”
I withdrew the gaze I’d been facing and leaned my back deeply again. And again I couldn’t escape that place with Cha Jeonghan for quite a while.
* * *
I went to the officetel, got a little sleep, and early in the morning went to a pharmacy that had just opened, bought a drink good to take after drinking alcohol, and went to Cha Jeonghan’s house. Even when I opened the door and entered, Cha Jeonghan was sleeping just as I’d laid him down yesterday. Other than having taken off the outer garment he was wearing because it was stuffy and carelessly placed it beside him, everything was the same.
Since it was a day with no schedule, thinking I’d just let him sleep long, I quietly left the room, took out a bottle of water, sat on the sofa and played the drama I’d stopped watching yesterday. I played it at an appropriate volume so Cha Jeonghan wouldn’t wake up and watched episode 7, and when I’d finished watching episode 8, Cha Jeonghan came out of the room.
“Why did you wake up already? Sleep more.”
“I woke up because I feel like I’m on a boat. Motion sickness.”
“At least drink this. They say this is the most effective.”
When I opened the drink and held it out, Cha Jeonghan took it and emptied it all at once like a thirsty person, and also emptied a whole bottle of the water I’d brought. Then with a pained face, he leaned his body limply back against the sofa.
“Yesterday….”
“……”
“You came, right? To get me.”
“…Yeah. Do you remember?”
“I remember.”
“……”
“I always remember up to seeing you. Because when I see you, I let go of everything I’d been holding on to.”
Seeing him say this, as expected he didn’t remember anything after that. I’d expected it and it was what I’d hoped for, but strangely, a little, just a very little, it hurt.
As expected, I had to end this love now. Because I shouldn’t have wants, and shouldn’t feel disappointed in the other person from a one-sided love. Unrequited love was a love that could exist only as my own emotion that didn’t want anything from the other person at all and shouldn’t resent them.
I’d never said it and never shown the emotion, so how could Cha Jeonghan know my feelings? At least if I’d hoped he’d know and showed it a bit, I could say Cha Jeonghan was clueless for not noticing, but I’d never shown the emotion like that and never hoped he’d know. I occasionally got hurt meeting other female celebrities who liked him, and my heart hurt because I couldn’t act composed alone, but that was something I could resolve alone. It wasn’t something where it was difficult to hide a hurt face in front of him like this.
“Really don’t drink like that anymore. Let’s say it couldn’t be helped until yesterday… but next time I won’t come get you.”
“Are you angry?”
“…Yeah. I was a bit angry yesterday.”
“I made some mistake.”
“…Even when I said let’s go home, you didn’t listen, hyung and I really had a hard time. You said you’d go home if I came, so why did you keep saying you wouldn’t go even when I came?”
“I’m sorry. I really won’t drink like that next time. Originally even when I drink like that, it’s the beginning or end of the month with a pretty long gap, but because it happened so close together, it was harder. I’m really sorry. I really won’t drink like that in the future.”
“…I know you drink trusting me, but don’t do that. You should at least understand all my words for me to bring you too. If you don’t listen to me and can’t understand, I have no way to do anything either.”
Cha Jeonghan, who had been leaning his back, raised his body a bit and looked at me with a sorry face. Because it wasn’t an expression to get through this moment but a genuinely sorry face, my angry heart unknowingly melted again.
“I promise. I won’t do it anymore.”
“……”
“I won’t. Yuhyeon-ah.”
“…Okay.”
“Did you not sleep properly again because you were angry at me?”
“…I was worried.”
Cha Jeonghan, whose face became more apologetic, reached out his hand and stroked my hair like a habit. It wasn’t the first time feeling this touch, but the moment it touched, sensations moved noisily as if lights turned on all over my body.
“If I don’t listen, just beat me up and take me. Being nice….”
“Can you beat me up and take me if I’m drunk and don’t listen?”
“How could I hit you?”
“I’m the same….”
“Go sleep. I’ll be quiet. Rest a bit. You look tired. You came at dawn and woke up before me and bought drinks and everything.”
Cha Jeonghan, who raised me from my seat, grabbed my shoulders from behind and gently pushed me forward, moving toward the room. Cha Jeonghan, who opened the room door and sat me on the bed, pulled all the blinds well to make the room pitch black.
