“On the way home I was so angry I thought I wouldn’t be able to eat anything, rice or whatever.”
“Are you feeling better now?”
“I feel better seeing you.”
I knew it wasn’t said to make me tremble, nor to make my heart flutter, but the moment I heard Cha Jeonghan’s words, my heart sank again. I unnecessarily put a few grains of rice in my mouth.
Cha Jeonghan would say things I wanted to misunderstand as if it were everyday conversation. Of course, all those words were friendship. Cha Jeonghan always vocalized that extraordinary and strong friendship that everyone who knew us talked about. I only have you, I feel alive seeing you, I like being with you the most, how would I live without you.
Every time I heard those words, I instantly floated up and then instantly crashed to the floor. Rising high and falling, hurting more and getting more injured. I got hurt countless times like that, and even knowing I’d get hurt again, even after 13 years, I couldn’t get used to Cha Jeonghan’s kind words at all.
“I bought beer, want some?”
“Ah, there was beer?”
Thinking it would be nice to have a refreshing drink with it, I was about to get up when warmth settled on my wrist. I blankly stared at Cha Jeonghan’s hand wrapped around my wrist.
“I’ll get it. Why so fast? It’s automatic, really.”
Cha Jeonghan, who smiled at me sitting back down in the chair, got up and headed to the refrigerator. I heard the refrigerator door open behind me and the sound of beer being taken out, but I couldn’t move at all. I couldn’t turn my head, couldn’t breathe properly.
Cha Jeonghan, who brought two cans of beer and opened them, put the beer in front of me. Then he picked up his own and gulped it down like someone who was thirsty.
“You’re feeling really bad.”
Cha Jeonghan, who put down the lighter can, looked at me. I quickly took a sip of beer, pretending to be unbothered.
“Why do people take excessive interest in parts they don’t need to know beyond what they’re told? Do you understand this? Am I the only one who doesn’t understand? I’m not even dating Yoo Ajeong. She contacted me first a few times, and when she said she happened to be near the filming location, I ate lunch with her once with my manager present. That’s it. But how does that lead to her contacting my manager and getting into my house?”
“It’s probably because your face is well-known. It’s awkward to meet outside….”
“So why does she have to meet me whether it’s outside or inside? I never said I wanted to meet.”
Even while speaking, it was absurd that I was taking Yoo Ajeong’s side and explaining her position. Exasperated, I just swallowed the few words lingering in my mouth down my throat along with the beer.
“Dongyun hyung was also angry and had it out with that manager.”
Dongyun hyung, Cha Jeonghan’s manager, was usually soft-hearted and kind, but when ridiculous things like this happened regarding Cha Jeonghan, he’d transform into someone more dependable than anyone.
“He said to think about articles coming out if it happens one more time. Earlier was no joke.”
“That won’t happen again. News spreads fast here. The fact that you said you’d even report it has probably spread around by now. Who would do that from now on? So calm down. If you eat in that mood, you’ll get indigestion. Okay?”
I felt a little sad that this was all I could say. If I had the talent to speak well, I’d at least try to brighten and make the atmosphere fun, but I didn’t have that talent.
“You trust people too easily. You give chances too easily. You’re too kind.”
“Just say I’m kind. ‘Too kind’ sounds like an insult.”
“It’s not quite an insult, but it’s not a compliment either. You live too softly, so I can’t relax. How many years has it been already? It’s been over ten years.”
I was curious how Cha Jeonghan would remember those 13 years. What kind of memory would the person named Ji Yuhyeon be in Cha Jeonghan’s time?
“You were like that back then too. Was it Kang Seokho? When that bastard kicked the ball trying to hit me but you got hit instead, even then when I said I’d go kill him, you told me not to.”
“There’s nothing good about causing problems, that’s why. It didn’t even hurt that much.”
“What do you mean it didn’t hurt much? You had a bruise on your shoulder. A big one.”
“It was just big in size.”
“Even thinking about it now pisses me off. I really should have killed him back then.”
“Then you couldn’t act now.”
“Is acting the problem? You got hurt.”
Cha Jeonghan always talked as if I was his top priority. Sometimes when I listened to Cha Jeonghan’s words, I suddenly wanted to reveal the affection I’d been hiding.
“This brings back old memories. Back then I really graduated because of you. If you weren’t there, I would have quit long ago.”
“I did suffer a bit to make Cha Jeonghan attend school.”
“Acknowledged. That’s definitely acknowledged.”
Seeing Cha Jeonghan’s face smiling now, whether his mood had improved, made me smile along too. And the seventeen-year-old Cha Jeonghan overlapped on that smiling face.
* * *
There were a few familiar faces I’d seen in middle school, but all the kids I was close with were in different classes or assigned to different schools, so high school was an unfamiliar space to me too. I wasn’t really the type to step forward and try to mingle with others, so just quietly doing what I had to do must have caught the kids’ attention because I was recommended and became class president. I was surprised at the unexpected position, but I decided to think positively that I’d be able to spend the semester doing something with enthusiasm.
Cha Jeonghan was in the same class, but he was one of the few I’d never spoken to even after a month since the new semester started. Actually, Cha Jeonghan didn’t seem to be close with anyone besides me. He was always lost in thought by himself, and mostly lying down asleep. I thought he just liked being alone quietly, but situations completely opposite to how Cha Jeonghan appeared happened every day.
During breaks, not only girls from the same grade but also from other grades would come and peek at Cha Jeonghan, and if they happened to see Cha Jeonghan not lying down, they’d whisper. Cha Jeonghan’s desk and locker were always full of food and gifts, and even teachers would come in to teach and ask who Cha Jeonghan was—he was that famous.
Honestly, if I had to pick the most handsome person I’d seen in my life, even I would name Cha Jeonghan—his face was that impressive. Stories came out from here and there that Cha Jeonghan was an idol trainee at a major agency, and also that he was a trainee but got kicked out for smoking. Even in places where Cha Jeonghan was present, people would too easily talk about things he’d never revealed even once. Cha Jeonghan didn’t say anything even while hearing that.
The first time I spoke to such a Cha Jeonghan was when there were only a few days left in April. While organizing the retreat participation forms everyone had submitted, I noticed that Cha Jeonghan alone hadn’t submitted one at all, so during break time I approached his seat looking at his back. Cha Jeonghan didn’t move at all, either not knowing I’d gone to his side or just not reacting.
‘Jeonghan.’
I’d never had a conversation with him before so honestly calling his name was awkward, but when I carefully called his name, Cha Jeonghan soon lifted his head and looked at me.
‘You need to submit this retreat participation form by today. I’m bringing it to the teacher at lunch, can you give it to me before then? If you didn’t bring it, I’ll tell them you’ll submit it by tomorrow.’
‘……’
‘Do you need another paper? Or you can just tell me first whether you’re going or not….’
‘I have it. I’ll submit it tomorrow.’
‘Ah…. Then I’ll tell them you’ll submit it by tomorrow.’
I was worried he might not answer at all, but fortunately he did. The conversation was wrapped up, but his gaze kept looking at me, so it was awkward to turn my back and leave, and as I stood there, Cha Jeonghan tilted his head slightly to the side.
‘Are you going?’
‘Huh?’
‘I’m asking if you’re going to the retreat.’
‘Yeah. I’m going….’
‘Then I’ll go too.’
‘……’
‘Tell the teacher I’m going. I’ll give you the participation form tomorrow.’
‘Okay, I will. Thanks for telling me.’
Cha Jeonghan, who had been looking at me, withdrew his gaze and turned his body forward. It felt a bit strange, like he was saying he’d go because I was going, but it was still fortunate that Cha Jeonghan, who didn’t get along well with anyone, was going to the retreat.
The next day, Cha Jeonghan really gave me the participation form with attendance checked. And he started talking to me. During breaks he’d ask if I wanted to go to the school store together, and at the store he’d buy everything I picked out. And when lunchtime came, he’d approach me as I got up from my seat. Cha Jeonghan’s suddenly changed appearance was awkward and bewildering, but there was no reason to refuse Cha Jeonghan approaching me. One day with only a few days left in April, we ate lunch together for the first time, and also left school together.
The thought of ‘why is he suddenly like this?’ continued for a few more days, but as I hung out with Cha Jeonghan who looked for me every day after that, Cha Jeonghan naturally became part of my daily life. At some point we had become best friends, and I did everything together with Cha Jeonghan.
Every morning Cha Jeonghan would come to the front of the apartment where I lived and wait for me. Even though he had to pass the school from where he lived to get to my house, he’d still come and go to school with me, and when it ended he’d come to my direction before going home. Even when I told him not to, Cha Jeonghan said there was nothing to do at home anyway and no one was there. So I always brought Cha Jeonghan to my house and spent time together.
‘Why don’t you ask about me?’
‘About what?’
‘Like why I don’t want to go home and stuff like that. Everyone’s curious about that first.’
‘Because it’s not important. It’s okay not to know, but when the time comes when you want to tell me, you will. It’s not urgent, and it’s not something I need to know right now.’
