I spent most of my waking hours on Cha Jeonghan. Not only when I was with Cha Jeonghan, but even when I wasn’t with him, I thought of him. Now to me, Cha Jeonghan was my daily life, my habit, and my everything that was even bigger than myself.
At seventeen, meaning when I was much younger than now and unfamiliar with the word love itself, I thought it was a type of excessive friendship. That feeling of wanting to be together, wanting to do everything together. I thought all my actions—thinking of Cha Jeonghan when eating something delicious, having to take a deep breath before answering when Cha Jeonghan called—were friendship. An extraordinary and tiresome friendship, as others said.
I believed what they said, that love at a young age was extremely impulsive and would crumble so emptily as if it never happened once you left that group. I had to believe it, and I desperately hoped it would be so. I believed that all those emotions of mine would become trivial once I graduated high school. Yes, that’s what I thought back then.
That thought wavered with high school graduation, and was mercilessly shattered after entering the same university as Cha Jeonghan. Contrary to my expectations, Cha Jeonghan inside my heart grew so much it was hard to hide. Times when I had to thoroughly hide my affection and exist as a friend became difficult. I had to pretend to be unbothered and catch my heart that wavered and sank just from seeing his face over and over again.
When it had been 5 years since I started liking Cha Jeonghan, I couldn’t see ahead. Our relationship was still an ‘extraordinary and tiresome friendship’ to everyone, but I, who was hiding love beneath those words, needed an exit. It didn’t matter if it was forward or backward. I just needed to escape somewhere and breathe. But I couldn’t see ahead. If I could see an exit even very far away, I would have run to it, but I couldn’t see anything at all. So I looked back. But I’d come too far and the entrance I’d come through didn’t exist anymore either.
I was completely trapped. There was nowhere for me to go, neither forward nor backward. No matter where I looked, it was full of Cha Jeonghan. Even while thinking of escaping, I loved him.
“……”
Useless thoughts. I entered the cold house, carelessly put down my bag, and took out a bottle of water. Since I only slept and left when I came home, there were only a few bottles of water in the refrigerator.
Looking at the empty refrigerator made me think of Cha Jeonghan’s full refrigerator. The voice saying he wanted to eat the seafood stew I made and the smiling face saying ‘see you later’ came to mind together, and excitement and pain rushed in simultaneously.
“……”
He said his schedule would end early today so he could come home around dinner time. Cha Jeonghan, who said he didn’t want to eat anything because of the chilly weather, said he wanted to eat the seafood stew I made, which made me really happy. So I bought lots of abalone and ingredients that Cha Jeonghan liked, but it all turned to bubbles with the appearance of Cha Jeonghan’s new girlfriend.
I didn’t feel like saying anything to the women who liked him. I’d never hated them either.
I was just… a little envious. I was envious that they could have time with Cha Jeonghan that I wouldn’t know about, even though I’d known and spent time with him for so long.
The end of these repeating thoughts was ultimately a sigh, so I decided to forcibly stop thinking. Because this wasn’t anyone’s fault. If there was someone I could blame, my heart would be more comfortable than now, but I knew.
It wasn’t my fault for loving Cha Jeonghan alone without being able to stop, not the fault of those women trying to fill the seat next to Cha Jeonghan who was particularly lonely, and not the fault of Cha Jeonghan who didn’t love me.
Cha Jeonghan acting was truly unfamiliar. It had already been 7 years since I’d seen Cha Jeonghan appearing on screen, but I still felt distance every time Cha Jeonghan appeared in that stiff machine. I honestly still hadn’t adapted to the profession of actor attached before his name either.
Still, there was a good thing about seeing Cha Jeonghan on screen. I didn’t have to hide anything. I didn’t have to suppress the words I wanted to say, and I could laugh when I wanted to laugh. I could relax my body and look at him the way I wanted to see him. That’s why my empty time watching Cha Jeonghan through the screen was so precious to me.
<Autumn Night> was the drama Cha Jeonghan appeared in for the first time. It was groundbreaking to cast a newcomer as the male lead in a public broadcast drama, but people liked Cha Jeonghan who suited autumn well. The fresh face and raw acting visible in it moved people. I liked the familiar face called Seo Haejin on screen, not Cha Jeonghan. I’d watched it more than ten times from beginning to end, and it was my favorite drama that I always played when I was alone like this.
“……”
Cha Jeonghan on screen sparkled. Seeing that face laughing in love and crying in love kept making my heart tighten. I wonder if Cha Jeonghan’s love is warm like Seo Haejin’s love crying over autumn night love. Watching that face holding on saying don’t go and eventually crying, I cried along with him again.
I must have fallen asleep watching him act. I opened my eyes to the vibration and picked up my phone, and saw the name ‘Cha Jeonghan’ on the screen. The remaining sleep clinging to me completely disappeared. I quickly sat up and answered the phone.
“Yeah, Jeonghan.”
– Are you home?
“Yeah.”
– Which home?
“The officetel.”
– I’m leaving now.
Honestly, I couldn’t understand what he was saying, or rather, what answer I should give. Yoo Ajeong would be waiting at his house, so I couldn’t understand why he was telling me he was leaving.
“What about Yoo Ajeong-ssi?”
– Her manager probably took her. She called again saying she’d wait at home, so I called that manager and said I’d report it as trespassing.
“…What? I thought you told her to come in and wait?”
– Am I crazy? Letting just anyone in. I heard she asked her manager to find out my home address too.
“I’m sorry. When she said you told her to wait inside…. But I should have confirmed with you before letting her in…. She was on the phone so I naturally thought you’d given permission.”
– Why are you apologizing? She lies so casually. From now on, chase everyone out whoever comes. If they don’t leave, report them.
“…I will.”
Cha Jeonghan occasionally showed a more resolute side than expected when it came to relationships with people. When he thought something wasn’t right or that it wouldn’t be easily resolved with words, he dealt with it coldly and resolutely like today. Every time I saw Cha Jeonghan like that, I thought that if this affection was exposed even a little, I too might be coldly cut off by Cha Jeonghan, and my whole body tensed up.
– I’m sick of this too now. I’m tired of the same thing every time. Why can’t they understand when I tell them not to do it?
“Don’t be angry. I’ll hurry and make dinner. You said you wanted seafood stew, so I bought all the ingredients.”
– Ah, really, I only have you, our Ji Yuhyeon. I really wanted your seafood stew.
“Come slowly. I should leave now too.”
– See you later.
“…Yeah.”
The moment I hung up, my heart became urgent. I jumped up from my seat, looked in the mirror, roughly fixed my hair, then hurriedly left the house. I knew it would take almost two hours for Cha Jeonghan to get home, but my heart kept rushing. It was because I wanted to have everything prepared so he could eat the seafood stew as soon as he got home.
With an urgent heart, I took a taxi to his house. I familiarly pressed the passcode and entered to see the house in the same state I’d left it in. I roughly confirmed with my eyes that Yoo Ajeong wasn’t there and quickly took out all the seafood stew ingredients and put them out. Only then did the breath that had been pooling inside me come out comfortably.
Cha Jeonghan liked the disorganized recipe dishes I made. If I was asked to explain how I made them I couldn’t do it well, but when I actually made them the taste was strangely good. Every time that picky kid completely emptied a bowl of my cooking that wasn’t even impressive and smiled saying it was delicious, I was truly happy.
I quickly turned my head toward where I heard the sound of the passcode being pressed, breaking through my thoughts. I should have gone down to the parking lot to come up together, but he probably didn’t contact me before arriving on purpose, knowing I was making dinner. Soon the sound of slippers dragging along with Cha Jeonghan’s slightly tired face quickly filled my vision.
“I’m here.”
“You’re here? You’re hungry, right?”
“Smelling it suddenly made me hungry.”
“It’s all done. Go change and come back.”
It was a face I’d seen in the morning, and a face I’d been watching on screen earlier, but Cha Jeonghan seen in the evening was different again. From the stylishly done hairstyle to the suit he’d dressed up in to take interview photos, he was really cool and my heart fluttered.
While he went to change clothes, I tasted it one last time. If it tasted good to me, it would taste good to Cha Jeonghan too. I quickly filled a bowl with rice and placed it on the table, and lastly put the seafood stew pot on the induction cooktop I’d placed on the table beforehand so it wouldn’t get cold while eating. Soon he came over after changing clothes and washing his hands and sat across from me.
“It looks delicious. I was really hungry. I didn’t eat even one meal today.”
“Why? Were you that busy today?”
“I was annoyed because of Yoo Ajeong.”
“…She probably came because she wanted to be with you.”
“That’s not my concern. I clearly said I don’t like people going to my space without permission. It’s only been a few days and she’s getting my home address from her manager.”
Knowing that if we kept talking about this, he’d skip dinner and go into his room, I knew I had to end this conversation. I quickly served him plenty of abalone, clams, shrimp, and crab.
“Eat quickly. You’re hungry, right?”
Cha Jeonghan was sometimes extremely cold to others. Even to people who liked him, if he thought it wasn’t right, he’d speak sharply and easily cut off the relationship. That’s why Cha Jeonghan’s relationships usually ended with the other person’s one-sided interest, or even if they started, they didn’t last a week.
“It’s delicious. Yours is definitely the most delicious.”
“Eat a lot.”
