“……”
“Yeah, like you said, you were always like that before. When struggling, when you needed help, you tried to do everything alone. Even when injured, and when sick, you sat alone at a bus stop for hours, and even when you came alone, you absolutely never called me.”
“……”
“Why don’t you call?”
“Because I don’t like you being bothered and struggling too because of me.”
“Then does that mean I’m bothering you and calling you to struggle together?”
“Where does that kind of talk exist? It’s just my personality.”
“Your words are like that right now. You’re saying you don’t call because you don’t like bothering me too and don’t like making me struggle, so you always solved your problems alone.”
What he was saying wasn’t completely wrong, so I couldn’t refute it. I had no choice but to admit that I’d spoken wrongly in a way that left plenty of room for that interpretation.
“Yeah, you’re not a kid.”
“……”
“I’m sorry if it felt like I treated you like a kid.”
“Jeonghan-ah….”
“It’s late. Rest.”
It would have been more comfortable if it was an angry face. Cha Jeonghan spoke to me in a calm, subdued voice like someone whose heart was hurt. It wasn’t an angry face, nor a sensitive face. He just looked like he’d lost the will to talk more.
“……”
Cha Jeonghan, who raised his hand and gently squeezed my shoulder once then let go so I wouldn’t feel uncomfortable, turned around and headed to his room. Seeing that back that must have been waiting for me the whole time made regret flood in. I couldn’t understand myself either—why I’d said words I didn’t need to say and created this situation.
Even after Cha Jeonghan completely entered his room and disappeared, I lingered for quite a while before entering my room. As I sat perched on the bed and bent my body, Cha Jeonghan’s voice that had been contained in Cha Jeonghan’s head fell rustling to my feet.
‘Yeah, like you said, you were always like that before. When struggling, when you needed help, you tried to do everything alone. Even when injured, and when sick, you sat alone at a bus stop for hours, and even when you came alone, you absolutely never called me.’
I didn’t know he’d kept all those moments in his heart. Like Cha Jeonghan said, even in situations where I was sick and it was hard to move my body, I somehow tried to overcome the situation alone. Once, on a weekend when I went downtown alone on an errand, my cold suddenly got worse, my body shook wildly, and I had no strength at all. Cold sweat poured like rain, and I trembled because I was so cold in that summer. I sat at a bus stop and trembled with my body curled up for two hours.
Even when strangers passing by asked if I was okay, I just nodded. Only after about two hours passed did I barely regain my senses a bit, and I took a taxi toward home. In front of the apartment entrance where I barely arrived, I saw Cha Jeonghan calling somewhere. The moment I felt like he was calling me seeing the vibration from my pocket, our eyes met. And seeing him run to me, everything went dark before my eyes.
When I opened my eyes, it was the hospital emergency room. Cha Jeonghan had caught a taxi and taken me there. To Cha Jeonghan asking from when I’d been like this, I casually said I’d been like that since the bus. Cha Jeonghan frowned while listening to my words.
‘Your mother said you left at one… then you were alone like that for over two hours? Until now, the whole time?’
‘That was… two hours?’
‘Why didn’t you call me? You should at least answer. What if something big happened!’
‘I didn’t want to make you worry for no reason….’
Then and now, I was the same. I just didn’t want to give worry to Cha Jeonghan whom I liked. I didn’t want to show him sick appearances, weak appearances, drunk appearances. To someone I like… it’s natural to want to show only good sides. But because I couldn’t explain that part to Cha Jeonghan, my words always missed the most important part.
The reason I always didn’t contact Cha Jeonghan and tried to endure alone was too flimsy and selfish, so I always made Cha Jeonghan disappointed. Then and now, nothing had changed.
Then could things change in the future?
“……”
The answer was still the same.
When I woke up in the morning, the house was quiet. Thinking he might still be sleeping, I went slightly to Cha Jeonghan’s room and saw the bed was organized and empty. Thinking he might have gone to exercise, I quickly washed up and made juice by putting in apples and several fruits and vegetables. When I tasted it, maybe because I put in a lot of apples, the bitter vegetable taste barely came out and it was delicious with a strong sweet apple taste.
I threw away everything left after the juice came out and was wiping the machine when I heard the sound of Cha Jeonghan coming in. I was about to quickly go out, but remembering how I’d gone into my room somewhat awkwardly yesterday, I couldn’t do this or that and just stamped my feet in front of the sink.
“Is this mine?”
Surprised at the suddenly heard voice, I quickly turned around to see Cha Jeonghan holding the juice placed on the table and looking at me. When I couldn’t answer and just nodded, he withdrew his gaze from me and emptied the juice in one gulp. Then he approached the sink, stood in the spot where I was standing stupidly, and washed the cup.
“Did you sleep well?”
“…No.”
“Because of me?”
“…Yeah.”
Cha Jeonghan, who put down the cup and wiped his hands, turned around looking at me. The moment our eyes met, words hid deeply and emotions suddenly rose up, tormenting my heart.
“Me too.”
“……”
“I couldn’t sleep well because of you too.”
“……”
“So let’s just act like it didn’t happen. We both suffered all night, so that’s enough. Nothing to feel wronged about, nothing to be disappointed about.”
Cha Jeonghan always acted more like an adult than me at decisive moments. Usually he relied on me and acted like a boy no different from high school days, but at moments like this he dealt with things like a person with thoughts and a heart several spans bigger than mine. No matter how close and long we’d known each other, when we had something like an argument like this occasionally, I didn’t know how to break through this awkwardness and approach first, but Cha Jeonghan found that breakthrough and came to me. And extended his hand first.
“I was wrong.”
“……”
“I did it because I was worried. I should have stopped there, but I went too far. I’m sorry.”
“…No. I made my words cause misunderstanding. Jeonghan-ah. It’s not that I dislike you worrying. And you looking for me, calling me… it’s not bothersome or difficult. I do it because I like it.”
“Because you’re my manager?”
“……”
“You said that, so why do you look hurt when I say what you said as is?”
I shouldn’t have brought up the manager thing—that was clearly my fault. Thinking of Cha Jeonghan who must have tossed and turned all night over that one word, I felt so sorry I couldn’t meet his eyes.
“…Because we’re friends.”
“……”
“I worry about you more than you worry about me. That’s why. I’m sorry if it sounded like I was doing it because I’m your manager.”
“Then since we’re both sorry, we’re acting like it didn’t happen.”
“…Yeah.”
Cha Jeonghan, who grinned, raised both hands and lightly pressed my cheeks from both sides. Seeing my face with lips pushed forward as my cheeks were pressed, Cha Jeonghan laughed out loud, tousled my hair, and left the kitchen. I watched that back heading to the bathroom and sat down holding the sink.
“……”
The moment he held my face with both hands, I recalled the kiss at the entrance not long ago. That strength that covered me entirely with his shadow and made me unable to move… and the touch on my face came to mind, and strength drained from my body.
“……”
I let out a long breath and closed my eyes deeply. I tried to forget, but my heart that couldn’t forget that day started beating crazily. And self-blame like a habit followed too naturally.
3.
Articles started appearing here and there saying that Cha Jeonghan had been cast as the sole male protagonist in a new work by Choi Jeonghun and Lee Yeonmi, famous for always working together and making perfect works with fantastic chemistry. It seemed the PR team had slipped out information to see people’s reactions and also to raise expectations.
Thanks to that, Cha Jeonghan’s name, the writer’s name, and even the drama’s working title all rose on the real-time search rankings. Most of the comments on articles said they’d been waiting only for Cha Jeonghan’s new work. Among comments saying they wished next year would come quickly, there were malicious comments from people who hated Cha Jeonghan for no reason, but I could now pass over such things without being affected. The severe ones were collected by Cha Jeonghan’s agency and very quickly sued with legal proceedings, so there was no need to be particularly bothered or hurt.
“How’s the reaction?”
“Everyone’s happy, saying a reason has appeared for this year to pass quickly. They’re saying the writer-director balance is the best, already calling it a masterpiece.”
