“Did I really act like a nuisance yesterday? Seeing you scold me so much. Did I make some mistake with you?”
If Cha Jeonghan knew, yesterday’s kiss would turn into the worst mistake. It would be something anyone would have to call a mistake, but I didn’t want to make it a mistake. Even if cursed for being contradictory, that was how I felt now.
“You didn’t make any mistakes like that. Just… when I told you to stand up straight you wouldn’t stand, and you couldn’t control your body properly, so I was worried.”
“I’m sorry. I’ll really be careful.”
Cha Jeonghan, who got up from the bed, tilted his head and looked at my face. Remembering when we kissed yesterday, I turned my head slightly, but he came to where I’d turned and met my eyes. Remembering how he’d grabbed my chin and locked lips, a strange sensation flowed down my spine. I tried to pull up my lips to smile to let him know I wasn’t angry. Only then did Cha Jeonghan straighten his body and separate from me.
“I should shower.”
“Should I make some soup?”
“No, it’s fine. I don’t feel like it. I can’t eat anything until dinner anyway. I’ll just have a cup of coffee after showering.”
“I’ll bring it down later. Come out after showering.”
“Yeah. Thanks.”
Watching Cha Jeonghan enter the bathroom in the room, I closed the door. Standing with my back leaning against the closed door, the tension that had been there even knowing he wouldn’t remember scattered mixed with my breath. I closed my eyes deeply.
“……”
Like that May when I was twenty, I was fortunate to protect our friendship.
* * *
The age of twenty wasn’t much of a change for me. People couldn’t believe they’d gone from their teens to their twenties or were happy saying they felt like adults, but I couldn’t feel either. It was probably the same for Cha Jeonghan too. What was important to us wasn’t becoming adults or becoming twenty-somethings.
From taking the college entrance exam until university admission was confirmed, Cha Jeonghan and I just hoped and hoped we’d get into the same university. Because it was something we could never achieve with just the desire to be close and attend the same university, we studied hard together and hoped the results of our efforts would turn out well.
After the acceptance announcement came out and we learned we’d gotten into the same university, we had nothing more to wish for. Cha Jeonghan said if it wasn’t the same university as me, he wouldn’t register even if he got in, but thanks to me his final education level became higher—he said this with sincerity. Honestly, Cha Jeonghan’s words were so extreme it was absurd, but still, the joy of being able to attend the same university was so great that I just nodded at those words too.
So for us, twenty wasn’t the joy of becoming adults or the unfamiliar feeling of disbelief that our teens had ended. Especially for me, twenty felt like an age where I could be respected a bit more even if I said the word love. I thought it was an age where I could tell people who dismissed all the love that teenagers speak of as puppy love that it wasn’t puppy love anymore. If I said I was in love, it felt like someone would seriously listen to my story.
But just as I had until now, even at twenty I didn’t say anything to Cha Jeonghan. Because I knew all too well that the moment I voiced the word love, our relationship would shatter loudly. I had to be solid. I was someone who absolutely couldn’t crumble no matter when Cha Jeonghan leaned on me. I didn’t want to be weak. If what made me weak was love… I wanted to bury it in a deeper place and choose friendship that made me solid.
It would be nice if everything happened as I thought, but thoughts were thoughts and heart was heart. I myself dismissed my love that started at the end of my teens as puppy love. I tried to think it was nothing, that it was because I was young, that it was just a misunderstanding because we were always together. But what came back was my heart hurt by my own thoughts.
My tattered heart couldn’t come out even in spring sunlight and settled in the deepest place I could hide it. Day by day, I became accustomed to the love I hid. Gradually I thought my love was naturally something to hide. I was fortunate to be able to think that way.
Cha Jeonghan received everyone’s attention even before entering university. There was chaos at orientation, and after enrollment, many people circled around Cha Jeonghan to catch his interest and become close with him.
I was always pushed back by the many people approaching Cha Jeonghan’s side. Each time, Cha Jeonghan would emerge from among the people, grab me, and take me to a place where only the two of us could be. Each time, love melted from where it was hidden and thoroughly soaked my whole body. Afraid Cha Jeonghan would catch it, I always curled up my body. Because I didn’t want to show my heart, my eyes… soaked with love.
Like in high school, Cha Jeonghan hated being paired with others who weren’t me or spending time together, but university life wasn’t something that could be done isolated as just the two of us. When we had to take different classes and form teams with others to do assignments, we each belonged to different places. No matter how many times we did it, it never became familiar at all, but it couldn’t be helped.
There were times when we had to attend gatherings because we couldn’t skip different meetings, but each time we took care of each other. When I drank alcohol, Cha Jeonghan would come find me, wait outside, then take me away, and when Cha Jeonghan had drinking gatherings, I would go there and take care of Cha Jeonghan.
That day in May was like that too. At Cha Jeonghan’s words that he had an evening drinking gathering, I did assignments in the library the whole time, then headed to the bar he told me about only when it was almost midnight.
Cha Jeonghan, who hated becoming disheveled in front of others, came out with a face that looked fine and smiled seeing me.
‘I’m dizzy.’
‘Hold onto me. You’ll fall… Why did you drink so much?’
‘…Yuhyeon-ah.’
That day Cha Jeonghan became disheveled for the first time. Whether he’d been holding on the whole time not wanting to show a drunk appearance, his body tilted slightly as soon as he saw me. I supported Cha Jeonghan, who was bigger than me, with my whole body. And finding it hard to get to Cha Jeonghan’s house, I took him to my house, which was a bit closer to the bar. Actually, “your house, my house” had no meaning for us. Because Cha Jeonghan mostly stayed at the officetel where I lived, almost living there.
‘Jeonghan-ah… Try to, come to your senses. If you keep doing that you’ll fall and get hurt. Some strength in your legs….’
‘Yuhyeon-ah……’
‘Right, it’s me so don’t call my name and first try to stand here. Can you stand?’
Arriving in front of the officetel, I tried to take out the entry card but Cha Jeonghan kept pouring onto me. I could only express it as pouring. It was exactly like love flowing down from the top of my head to my toes, soaking everything. Well, since the person I loved was Cha Jeonghan, there was no difference between that love and Cha Jeonghan. I thought such leisurely thoughts even while grabbing and standing up Cha Jeonghan who was pouring onto me.
‘Just let me open the door, if I just open the door……’
Cha Jeonghan completely covered me as he tilted. I dropped the entry card, wallet, and bag I’d been holding. I didn’t even look at what fell and held Cha Jeonghan with both empty hands. Like we were… embracing each other, my lips kept drying and my face kept burning.
‘…Jeonghan-ah, you’re not sleeping, right? We’re here. We just need to go in and take the elevator. Can you go?’
I gently stroked the back of Cha Jeonghan who was leaning as if he’d hugged me tightly. Cha Jeonghan liked being gently soothed and stroked like this. Saying no one had ever done this, each time I stroked his head, shoulders, back, or hands, he would look at me intently and smile.
‘It feels good….’
‘You drank till you had no sense and you still feel good?’
‘Your hand…. Your hand….. More, do it more.’
‘……’
At the voice saying unclearly that he felt good not because of alcohol but because of my hand stroking his back, my heart pounded. This spring night was so quiet… it felt like Cha Jeonghan would hear all this sound. I momentarily thought I was fortunate that he was drunk like this and not properly conscious.
‘…I’ll do it ten more times. After that we’re going in, okay?’
Cha Jeonghan, who had lowered his head and buried his face on my shoulder, nodded. I slowly stroked down Cha Jeonghan’s back. I could have stroked roughly and quickly said let’s go in, but I didn’t want to. I… was sincere with Cha Jeonghan in any situation.
Once, twice… and three times, four times. Each time I stroked down his back, a bit more strength entered Cha Jeonghan’s arms. I couldn’t believe I was being held this tightly by Cha Jeonghan.
‘One more left now. We really have to go in.’
At the words that one remained, Cha Jeonghan, who had his face buried on my shoulder, raised his head and looked at me. The white light attached to the officetel entrance illuminated Cha Jeonghan’s face. I was seen in slightly unfocused eyes with an emotion I couldn’t identify. I met his eyes, forgetting even to stroke down his back.
‘…Jeonghan-ah.’
The moment my hand slid down along his back, Cha Jeonghan’s head tilted. And a heat I’d never felt in my life arrived at my lips. I blinked my eyes several times. Then surprised that my lips were touching Cha Jeonghan’s, I opened my mouth. In that moment, at the feeling of him softly penetrating and rubbing his tongue a bit clumsily, I was so surprised I squeezed both eyes shut.
‘……’
Cha Jeonghan was kissing me.
‘…Mmm……’
Just that one fact alone made it feel like my whole body was turning all colors. A kiss, Cha Jeonghan was kissing me. This wasn’t something within the scope of what I’d thought. Not once, really not once had I wished for it or thought it would happen—yet it was happening to me.
Having never kissed before, my whole body flinched every time Cha Jeonghan’s tongue touched. When our tongue tips rubbed, my shoulders hunched up, and when he sucked my tongue like sucking candy, my legs drew together. Just the tongues touching and rubbing made my lower belly feel strange, like I’d gone to an amusement park and ridden the Viking.
It felt good, but the fact that tongues were touching and rubbing was awkward, so it was also a bit strange. But that strange feeling gradually became faint the more our lips locked and our tongues tangled several times. For the first time, I rubbed back against his tongue as it penetrated me while I was breathing heavily. My lower belly tickled and heat rose as if the sensation from my tongue tip had transferred throughout my whole body.
When I rubbed my tongue, Cha Jeonghan grabbed my chin and penetrated a bit roughly and deeply. This was the first time I’d seen Cha Jeonghan act so roughly.
